More Humour

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?

Ah, limericks!

A bisexual man from Khartoum
Took a young couple up to his room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

jehoram said:

Ah, limericks!

A bisexual man from Khartoum
Took a young couple up to his room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

Click to expand...

I like the version I heard (long ago) better:

Once a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They spent the whole night
In a terrible fight
Over who would do what, and with which, and to whom.

Well that's at least three variations on the tale of the Young man in Khartoum.

A young, handsome, stud football player decided to visit the south Florida beaches by himself for spring break.

He'd spent the better part of two days trying to hook up with chicks and had no success. Then he noticed a short, fat, bald man surrounded by half a dozen good-looking young women.

Later that night, he met the same bald man in a bar, still with several women hanging onto him. When he saw the man head for the men's restroom, he decided to follow him and find out what his secret was.

It turned out the bald man was a Frenchman. The football player asked, "How do you get so many women interested in you?"

The Frenchman said, "Ze secret is ze potato. I put ze potato in my swim trunks and ze ladies can't resist me."

The next day the football player got a potato, put it in his swim trunks, and headed for the beach. The ladies weren't impressed--in fact they seemed to be repulsed.

The second night the football player found the Frenchman in the bar again, still surrounded by a bevy of female flesh. He pulled the Frenchman aside and said, "I thought you said the women couldn't resist a potato in your swim trunks."

"Yes," said the Frenchman. "But we Frenchmen place ze potato in ze front of our swim trunks."

I'm nicking this

Handley_Page said:

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?

Click to expand...

Just received these.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles
for death by lethal injection?


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Sign In A Store Window

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in South Wales:-

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

You may be outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
After all, it is ONLY A SIGN, you may say.

'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'





Answer:

A FUNERAL PARLOUR.

(WHO SAID UNDERTAKERS HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)
YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

RICA - Remember, It Is Very Important That You Register Your SIM Card

Operator: "Thank you for calling Scooter's Pizza. May I have your ..."

Customer: "Halloo, can I order?"
Operator : "Can I have your cell number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eish ....., hold on .....eh.... 082-266-2566 .."

Operator : "OK... you're .... Mr Sfiso Majola and you're calling from 17 Retief Street. Your home number is 011 403 2366, your office 011 764 2302 and your mobile is 082 266 2566. I see you are calling from your girlfriend's home.
Does your wife know you are there?

Customer: "How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the System Sir."

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir."

Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol levels, Sir."

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from
the National Library last week Sir."

Customer: "OK I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then, how
much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for yourself and your girlfriend's
family of 10, Sir. The total is $149.99!

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $720.55 since June this year.
That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawals today."

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Green Double Cab ...."

Customer: "What!"
Operator : "According to the details in the system, you own a Nissan Double Cab, ... registration number NRB 132 GP ....."

Customer: " Foetsek, man.
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on the 15th July 1987? You were convicted for using abusive language to a policeman. I need not tell you what happened to you at Kroonstad Prison"

Customer: [Speechless]
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing ...... by the way ... aren't you giving me those 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic ... "

Customer: "Please cancel the order, my girlfriend will have to cook ....

I felt sorry the hypnotist I saw last night He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot & yelled "F**k me!".. What happened next will haunt me forever!






.

I am always in trouble...


I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
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I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and " Mexicans " were NOT the correct answers.
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A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime . She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
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I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.
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Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
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A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus ,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'
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Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
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I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'
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Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dumb shit!
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I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they're senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally'.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two State Troopers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

'Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No'. Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he getting senile'.

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said 'Tell us the story from the beginning.'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.....'

The first RCMP officer turned to his partner and said, 'We're outta here!'

An extremely elderly couple walked into a lawyers office and told the lawyer they wanted a divorce. The lawyer looked at the couple and asked:

"How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?"

The woman replied "I'm eighty nine. My husband is ninety seven."

"And how long have you been married?"

" Seventy years this April."

"And why wait until now to get divorced?" said the lawyer, shaking his head in puzzlement.

The woman thinks for a second and replies:

"Well... We though it was better to wait until the kids were dead."

Mickey Mouse walks into his lawyer's office and says he wants to divorce Minnie. The lawyer asks why and Mickey tells him. The lawyer scratches his head and says: "Sorry Mickey but there's no way. You can't divorce the girl for having big teeth!"

"I didn't say she had big teeth" Replied mickey. "I said she was fucking Goofy!"

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, “You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both may result in serious injury or even death.

HARRY ON GETTING OLDER
Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little Harry replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?
Little Harry answered, 'No, he just minded his own ****in' business.
I LOVE Little HARRY !!!

LITTLE HARRY ON MATHS (Part 1)
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?
She calls on little Harry. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Harry replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE HARRY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little Harry returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.
'Why'? asks the father.
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3', so I said 6', replies Harry.
'But that's right' says his father.
'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2'
'What's the ****in' difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said' replied Harry.

HARRY ON GRAMMAR
Little Harry was sitting in the class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a ****!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now Harry, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.' Little Harry thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOUR'E AN EIGHT, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN'

(Part 2) One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ****in' beautiful'.

Just follow this one. and have a tissue for the tears.

Here in the states, I've always heard your "Little Harry" jokes as "Little Johnny." Like this one:

The teacher is leading her class in a vocabulary lesson, asking each student to think of a word for each letter of the alphabet. She asks, "Class, who can think of an A word?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots into the air, ready with an answer. Sure his answer will be "ass" or "asshole" or similarly filthy, the teacher avoids Little Johnny and receives the word "Apple," from another student.

She asks for a word beginning with B, sees Little Johnny eagerly volunteering and passes over his likely "bitch" or "bastard" and receives "Balloon" from another student.

The lesson wears on with the teacher filling in the blanks for Little Johnny without calling on him. C = cunt. D = dick or dildo. E = Erection. F = pretty damn obvious. Finally, she reaches the letter R and she's stumped. She can't think of an obviously dirty word that starts with the letter R. Poor Little Johnny still has his hand up in the air, eager to participate. Finally, she calls on him, "Little Johnny, can you give us a word that starts with the letter R?"

"Yes ma'am! Rats! Rats with big fucking dicks three feet long!"

Sex has gone downhill with the wife, so I bought her a new Dildo.

She said "it looks just like a carrot".

Which is pretty ironic as her fanny looks like a donkey, yawning.

Aging

SEX AT 73
I just took a
Leaflet out of my mailbox,
Informing me that I can
Have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at
Number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home
Afterwards.
And
it's on the same side of the street.
I don't even have
To cross the road!
~~~~~

Answering machine
Message,
"I am not available right now,
But
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making
Some changes in my life.
Please leave a message
After the beep.
If I do not return your
Call,
You are one of the
Changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had
Words, but I didn't get to use
Mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to
Find your glasses without your
Glasses.

~~~~~
Blessed are those who can
Give without remembering
And take without
Forgetting.



~~~~~
The
Irony of life is that,
By the time you're old
Enough to know your way around,
You're not going
Anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before
Woman so as to give him time
To think of an answer
For her first question.

He looked very Happy.
"My wife," he reported, "swallowed after a blow-job last night. The first time in years!"
The was a pause before he went on:
"I wonder if it's a sign that she's coming out of her coma."

I bought a new perfume for my girlfriend, it's called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.