Dear X:

cloudy

Alabama Slammer
Joined
Mar 23, 2004
Posts
37,997
Dear AH:

I snagged this from the HT Cafe because it was such an entertaining idea, and a way to vent at the same time (thank you BlueSugar). Write as many letters as you like; get it out of your system. You'll feel better.

Cloudy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Soon-to-be Ex-Husband:

Were you always such an asshole? Funny, I don't remember you acting the way you have been when I think back to when we were dating. You were nice; you were considerate, you seemed to care about what I thought.

Was that real? Did you change? Are you just a terrific actor, and have always been such a jerk? Or was I just blind as a fucking bat?

It's important. I want to know if my judgement has some fatal flaw so that I can avoid relationships altogether in the future.

Did you know that, although you work and provide well, you really have no other redeeming qualities? Just wanted to let you know.

I love all my children, but sometimes I wish the youngest had never been born, because the thought of being tied to you for the rest of my life with even the flimsiest of connections makes me physically ill.

I pray for an industrial accident every day.

Not yours for much longer,

Cloudy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Neighbors Behind Us,

The three grandchildren you have custody of spend more time over here with us than they do with you. They no longer bother to knock on the door; they help themselves to whatever they like in the refrigerator and the cupboards; and they've become a permanent fixture in our backyard.

I don't mind, even though I really don't want to raise three more in addition to the three I already have. They're nice, well-behaved kids.

No, I don't mind them. It's your behavior that is atrocious.

I found out yesterday that you have a birthday party planned for one of the kids sometime this afternoon. Your sorry-ass, good-for-nothing daughter that you took the kids from took the time and trouble to tell my son yesterday that the kids wouldn't be able to play with him today because you were having a birthday party, and she and your husband made a point to tell my 6-year-old that he wasn't invited.

There is a special place in hell reserved for people like you. How dare you.

If it wasn't for the fact that it would hurt my child, I would tell you and the rest of your family to...

fuck off and die,

Cloudy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Legos Corporation,

Please stop production of your sets aimed at children the age of my youngest son. He has more than he will ever need, and those fucking things hurt when you step on them as you head for the bathroom in the middle of the night.

That, in turn, causes a stream of swearing so blue it would make a sailor blush, and it isn't a pleasant way to wake the rest of the family.

Thank you for your attention to this matter,

Cloudy
 
Dear Folks Upstairs,

Congratulations on your acceptance as the US Olympic Floor Hockey Team! All those hours upon hours of late night and early morning practice are really beginning to pay off.
And I know that your marching band, The Mediocre Mariachis, has been getting plenty of good practice hours in, too.

Just FYI, the dumpster is located in the parking lot of the building adjacent to ours; not in the landscaped area directly in front of my apartment. Oddly enough, the garbage so frequently thrown or dropped from your balcony often misses the dumpster and instead lands in full view of my windows.

Now, I would hate to be anything less than neighborly, but as it happens, the parking space assigned to my apartment is not paid for by your rent. It is, however, reflected in mine. And you did not consult me before you chose to buy an SUV to park in your compact-car sized space.

That's why, every time your Ford Explorer is parked with a rear wheel well over the line dividing our two parking spaces, I find myself fighting this terribly nasty urge to to outline the trespassing portion of your vehicle by dragging the teeth of a key through its paint. I would really appreciate it if you could learn park your stupid steel behemoth in your own damned parking space, as my supply of willpower is rapidly dwindling.

Very, very, sincerely,

- Quince
 
Dear Eldest Daughter,

As much as i love every sweet hair on your beautifully styled head, I wish you would learn that my reserves of cash are not directly linked to the Royal Mint and as such have a nasty habit of running dry fairly frequently.

I would also like to point out that though you think that 'fairies' do all the washing, cooking and cleaning in this house, it is in fact your darling mother who slaves endlessly to assure you have clean clothes at your fingertips. That same person does not appreciate it when she empties the washing basket only to have you clear the contents of your bedroom and fill it again.

Oh yes, and when i say "It's time to get up!" on Monday morning - i mean like in the next 2 minutes - not 20 minutes later. It would be nice if your sister and brother could arrive at school and I got to work on time for once, because you didn't keep us waiting long past the optimum time to leave the house.

Your ever loving mum xxx
 
Dear Driver ahead of me,

While I understand your self inflated ego and your need to stay in contact with everyone and everything in the world. However I do oh so politely ask that you remove the cell phone from the side of your head and just plain drive.

You see, the other people on the roads do not wish to travel twenty miles an hour below the speed limit. Nor do they wish to be run down because you are too busy chatting to watch what you are doing or going.

Cat
 
Dear Customer Service Representative,


May I suggest that you consider revisiting your job title for ideas on the particular requirements of your current position? When I presented you with the facts about the defective product that I purchased from you, the eye-roll, while perhaps an acceptable form of non-verbal communication at your last job cleaning the slurpy machine at the Seven-Eleven, was not the sort of professional response I had in mind.

Perhaps I should have asked you to remove the gum before I explained something as complex as demanding an exchange of the same exact item. For future reference, I might also point out that leaning halfway over the counter and shouting ‘have a nice day’ to my retreating form after said exchange has taken place, albeit by going above your head to accomplish what is clearly stated in your policy, does not add to your image as a polished member of the business community.

Please be advised that should you ever enter my establishment in search of employment, great fun will be had at your expense.

Kindest regards for your future in waste management.

Script

(My apologies to garbage men for the insult)
 
Dear jackass,

Enjoy your small victory for now. Hopefully a certain someone will wise up and see what a complete and total waste of human flesh you are and dump your sorry ass on the side of the road with the rest of the garbage. I'll just take solace in the fact that you've proven to everyone just how much of an asshole you truly are.

Congratulations dumbass.

Trom
 
Dear Cosmos,
Hello, its me again. I just wanted to send a short note. I should preface this with, "I still love you."

I kinda just wanna know why. I thought we were buds, bestest pals. We had great times, sitting on the dock and knocking back a few brewskies while talking about the meaning of life. Then something changed.

You became somewhat abusive and I'm not sure how to handle that. Where there was once open arms and acceptance there is now shunning and distance. What went wrong? Its fine with me if you want to see others. We've always had an open and polyamory type of relationship.

I never cheated on you with Buddha or God or any other deity. So, WTF, mate?
I think its time for a high colonic and a few more coronas.
Let's party like we used to.
So very much love,
V~
 
Dear Uncles and Aunts,

The next time you take it upon yourselves to accept an invitation to dinner at this household, please decline. I'd much rather spend my Saturday writting lesbian porn- which of course you shall never know of, and masturbating to orgasm whilst typing with one hand.

However, as you well know i did not spend my saturday doing this as i had to not only entertain the children for an utterly horrendously painful 4 hours, i also cleaned the remaining areas of the house, prepared ingredients for dinner and generally shut up and put up.

I spent the better part of the entire evening serving, washing and waiting. Whilst you gorged over the fancy foods and spat semi-masticated fragments of food at each other as you talked and ate, i (with my feet not small enough to comfortable fit under the counter for me to wash dishes) stood at the sink, proceeded to aggravate my eczma and washed every single dish, plate, spoon, serving dish and cooking pan used over the last 24 hours to lay out this lavish meal which you so utterly enjoyed that you built up a pile of chicken bones bigger than my sister's head.

And then, you had the cheek to comment on the length of time it took for you precious instant coffee to arrive. Well excuse me for not being able to hold back my irritation when i retorted that you should have come and helped in the kitchen. It was true and i beleive you should be ashamed of your chorus of cheers when i carried the coffees in.

If i were not a respectful young woman who gave more than a shit you may have found that black coffee pleasantly warmng your withered and idle manhood's as i poured it slowly down the seat of your oh-so 'properly' pressed trousers with the crease oh-so perfectly straight down the front.

Therefore, like i said, if ever invited please decline, else help with the preperation or tidying up. If you find that you are unable to get off your fat asses, then please shut your mouths.

Thank you,

yours sincerely,

Your familially closested oh-so-pussy-loving Neice
 
Dear Karma/ Heavenly beings/ Goddess/ Gods/ Deities/ Whomever is out there

Thank you for sending me Her. :heart:

Vana
xxx
 
Dear sis:

I know we were once the best of friends, and I truly regret that we have lost that relationship. I wish you luck during your pregnancy and upcoming delivery, and hope that once you have children you'll understand me and mine a bit more.

And I promise I won't beat you with a stick even though it is what you richly deserve for being such a bully to my kids.

:rose:
 
Dear my ex's mother,

I hate you i hate you i hate you. You ruined my SENIOR prom when I was in high school and totally ruined my chances with your son. Please do not show up at the reunion coming up. I am hopefully going to be there and I want to talk to your son without you there! So please stay home sit on your couch and remember the fact that your son is an adult now and damn it I want a relationship with him even if its only a friendship. I never want to see you again you little witch just stay on that damn island you live on and let your son live and talk to me.

Thanks

an exasperated ex girlfriend :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:
 
Dear a whole lot of people:

I'm pretending; I find most of you will shut up sooner if I do.

For those that don't shut up... I'm pretending. I would shut the fuck up because those are nice shades of red I'm pretending to paint my walls with.

Sincerely,
ElSOl
 
Dear Mom,

More than ten thousand days have passed since you died. I have thought of you on each and every one of them. I always felt like I got cheated. I thank you each day for what you taught me in the few years that I had with you.

After you died I found a cassette tape with a bit of your voice. Over the years I played it over and over until it finally wore out, I never wanted to forget the sound of your voice.

As the years pass, and I look at your pictures, you seem to get younger and younger, and I get older and older. I struggle to keep each memory that I have of you alive.

I would give up all of my tomorrows for just one more yesterday with you.

I love you,

Brian
 
Dear Job Fairy,

Please could I exchange my job for a different one? I have the receipt. There's nothing drastically wrong with it. It's just a little tight-fitting for my liberated lifestyle, and the sombre, bureaucratic colours really aren't me.

If I can't find a suitable replacement, I'd quite happily take a large Lotto-style payout. A couple of million would do the trick.

I believe in you - even though I've yet to get a job I really like, I know you'll come up trumps for me in the end.

Thank you,

Zade
 
To my youngest son:

I know that you don't feel well, and that whatever virus you have that's causing your stomach problems/diarrhea has you cranky. However, I've washed six or seven loads of clothes/sheets since about 3 am Saturday morning (I've lost count, short-term memory loss due to lack of sleep), and have spent the rest of my weekend cleaning up after you....all because you absolutely refuse to spend maybe 10 seconds swallowing some medicine because it "tastes nasty."

I could hold you down, and make you take it. It's not something I particularly want to do, but if it seems that this hell will go on past, maybe....noon, then that's exactly what I'm going to do. Consider yourself warned, because I've been grossed out enough, and lost enough sleep.

love,

Mama

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To my love,

Let me start by saying that I love you - you know that.

I didn't avoid your calls last night because I didn't want to talk to you, per se, but from our earlier conversation I knew that you had been well on your way to being shit-faced, and when you're shit-faced, you sometimes act like a prick. You know you do, that's why you always ask me the next day if you'd been an ass.

I'm also very worried about how the nights that you're drunk seem to be getting closer and closer together, especially since alcoholism runs in your family. You keep telling me that when I'm back home, you won't be drinking anymore, but as much as I'd like to believe that, it's hard to put much faith in those words when you're recovering from a hangover when you say them.

How many times have you told me in the last month that you were never drinking again? 5 times? 10 times?

I need to see that the drinking isn't a problem before I move up there for good, not just trust that it won't be once I'm there. Please understand...my grandfather was an alcoholic, my father was an alcoholic, and I was married to another alcoholic for 10+ years - it's not something I want to live with for the rest of my life.

I do love you, you know that, but I can't deal with alcoholism anymore.

love,

Cloudy
 
Dear Coach

Please stop telling the juniors how useless they are as I am fed up with dealing with the aftermath. It breaks my heart to see them stop eating (why did you tell them they were too big?), stop rowing and turn back to sculling (don't you know how hard I had to work to get them rowing in the first place?) and then finally quit after they get tired of crying every week because of what you say to them.

I have enough problems of my own without the juniors issues on top. So please lay off or start telling them when they get it right instead of finding a new problem to pick on.

Elsie :rose:

xxx
 
vella_ms said:
Dear Cosmos,
Hello, its me again. I just wanted to send a short note. I should preface this with, "I still love you."

I kinda just wanna know why. I thought we were buds, bestest pals. We had great times, sitting on the dock and knocking back a few brewskies while talking about the meaning of life. Then something changed.

You became somewhat abusive and I'm not sure how to handle that. Where there was once open arms and acceptance there is now shunning and distance. What went wrong? Its fine with me if you want to see others. We've always had an open and polyamory type of relationship.

I never cheated on you with Buddha or God or any other deity. So, WTF, mate?
I think its time for a high colonic and a few more coronas.
Let's party like we used to.
So very much love,
V~
Vella, this is brilliant! It could be published as is, you know. :rose:
 
Dear S.O.B. of an ex,

Could you please explain to me the exact moment in time that you became such a cold hearted bastard? For years upon years I was your doormat, an object for you to wipe your feet on and toss to the side, your personal maid and slave. You made me feel inadequate, like I wasn't able to make it without you, without someone to support me. Well eat your words asshole, I may be struggling but I am making it...WITH OUT YOU.

I've put up with alot of garbage from you since the day I decided to kick your sorry ass out of MY house, but tonight really did it for me. You treating me like shit is nothing new, nothing I'm not used to, but to treat YOUR kids like this...you really don't have a heart do you?

Well I'll have you know this dickwad. These kids, OUR kids, are the best things that have ever happened to me. Many times in my life they were my reason for not giving up, they are the reason I'm not giving up now. You may think that since they are kids they are oblivious to how you are treating them, how you are tossing them aside. But let me let you in on a little secret genius, they are not blind. They can see that their Dad is spending as little time with them as possible, they are getting used to the broken promises and missed appointments. Someday I hope you look back and realize how badly you fucked up with them, of course by then they will already have an honerable, loving, caring man they call "Daddy". And I hope you see how much they will love that man, how much fun they have with him, and I hope it hurts like hell you deserve it.


:mad:
kiten
 
To my lving wife,

Yes dear I do know that you feel like shit. As a matter of fact you have a good case of the shits right now and have had them since yesterday. I know this because I have had to change the bed twice, take a shower once, and clean you several times.

Yes I know your stomach is upset, I know because I have gotten out of bed repeatedly last night to hold your hair out of the way as you worship at the Altar.

And yes I do know that this is making you cranky. You feel bad, you are embarassed and are cranky because of this.

Yes I have dealt with your shit, both figuratively and physically for the past twenty four hours and I will do so until this is over. Just remember that even with all of this going on I still love you and will be here when you wake up tomorrow morning.

Cat
 
Dear Mom and Dad:

I think you should know that every time you call I cringe. I cringe because every time you call you either tell me that someone has died, or you call because you want something I/we can provide --usually IT advice.

I don't like this. I know that we don't have the "usual" lovely-dovey parents/daughter relationship, but it would be nice to hear from you for some reason other than a death in the family or because you want something from me. I think this is just common courtesy.

If you cannot treat me with at least a little bit of respect, I wish you'd just stay out of my life. Stop pretending that you give a damn just to get something out of me.

Sincerely,
Your Daughter
 
vella_ms said:
Dear Cosmos,
Hello, its me again. I just wanted to send a short note. I should preface this with, "I still love you."

I kinda just wanna know why. I thought we were buds, bestest pals. We had great times, sitting on the dock and knocking back a few brewskies while talking about the meaning of life. Then something changed.

You became somewhat abusive and I'm not sure how to handle that. Where there was once open arms and acceptance there is now shunning and distance. What went wrong? Its fine with me if you want to see others. We've always had an open and polyamory type of relationship.

I never cheated on you with Buddha or God or any other deity. So, WTF, mate?
I think its time for a high colonic and a few more coronas.
Let's party like we used to.
So very much love,
V~
Dear Cosmos -

Give her some breaks, woudja already! She's a good girl and you've been awfully rough on her lately. I know, you've given her many blessings as well, but from what I can tell the expenses have been piling up rather rapidly in her ledger of late. (And nothing requires those accounts to balance, you know - we are allowed to have lots more cosmic assets and income than liabilities and expenses, and to enjoy "high cosmic net worth" - positive "income statements," strong "balance sheets," positive "karma flow," etcetera - this is not a zero-sum game.)

Your pal,

R
 
McKenna said:
Dear Mom and Dad:

I think you should know that every time you call I cringe. I cringe because every time you call you either tell me that someone has died, or you call because you want something I/we can provide --usually IT advice.

I don't like this. I know that we don't have the "usual" lovely-dovey parents/daughter relationship, but it would be nice to hear from you for some reason other than a death in the family or because you want something from me. I think this is just common courtesy.

If you cannot treat me with at least a little bit of respect, I wish you'd just stay out of my life. Stop pretending that you give a damn just to get something out of me.

Sincerely,
Your Daughter


Dear X -

What she said, kinda. Not as much, because you're not my parent (who really doesn't have the right and should be more careful else they will lose something very dear), and you are going through a rough patch and I don't really mind being there for you. But when I read my lovely friend McK's "every time you call it makes me cringe" remark I knew exactly what she feels like.

Yours,

R

PS.
 
Dear Self:

Would you please muster up enough motivation and inspiration to enable me to stop skimming random threads such as this, and to finish this damned report that's due to my boss tomorrow?

Much obliged.

SG
 
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