Distance Domination-Support Thread

newsouthernsub said:

*phew*
I do not know where to begin... I am a new sub. I didn't even mean to be (scratches head) but here I am... I met my new Master in a chat room. He has completely taken me over, my life and my thoughts. We are long distance. I have never been a sub, I actually know so little about this life. But I seem to be unable to stop thinking about him or seeking him whenever i have even a moment.

I stumbled in here trying to be "educated." I totally understand and agree with those who say the attention issue is huge! I find myself wanting his constant attention.

There are lots of things that i need to learn, but the 2 areas i would welcome ANY and ALL advice are:

Language - I seem to say all the wrong things... as the saying goes! Is there a "cheat sheet" a dictionary ??? of acceptable words i may use? should use? I follow his lead but I still get it wrong sometimes!

Expectaions: What is in the future? I believe this will be an online only relationship, at least for the new future. So for anyone in that type of relationship, I would welcome any advice.

This thread as been so helpful, if only i had enough time in the day to read all the back pages!

Thanks!

Click to expand...

No one can expect you to just "know" what to do or say, and every relationship is what the people involved in it, decide it should be... which means that I could suggest addressing your partner as "The most exaulted purple people eater of the supreme candy forest" was the best way to show your submissiveness, but if he preferred to be addressed as "the way cool master of all that is unholy", you'd be screwed (and not in the fun way).

Take a peek at the BDSM Library link pinned at the top of the forum. Talk with him - outside of the dynamics of submissive/dominant - and find out what he wants from you, of you, and what you will get in return. Go over a checklist of interests- he may have expectations you aren't comfortable with. when you have questions, start a thread on it- people here are pretty friendly.

When Someone You Love is Kinky and The New Bottoming Book are both good places to start educting yourself (and quick reads)- they're easily available on Amazon.com, or can be purchased at www.greenerypress.com.

I believe i just laughed out loud and people in the next booth are wondering why I'm humming "green purple people eater".

(one eyed....one horned.... i digress....).

Thanks for the advice.... I'll check out all the links.

As I type this reply, he is online, but but not acknowledging me...

I really made him mad last night and I know he is teaching me a lesson.

I am so afraid I will not do/say the right things, that I am a basket case!
That he'll leave, and we've just gotten started. Heck, we've only had *sex* twice.

What the hell? We southern girls are strong.. I tell ya'... because "tomorrow is another day" and all that....

But he is really doing me in! I guess that's partly the idea though, huh?

newsouthernsub said:

I am so afraid I will not do/say the right things, that I am a basket case!
That he'll leave, and we've just gotten started. Heck, we've only had *sex* twice.

What the hell? We southern girls are strong.. I tell ya'... because "tomorrow is another day" and all that....

But he is really doing me in! I guess that's partly the idea though, huh?

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I am so not the fan of relationships that involve being afraid of screwing up. Not that the desire to please is a bad thing, or anything, because it isn't... I'm just sayin' that censoring yourself out of fear of not doing/saying the right thing, when you have no idea what the "right thing" is, can be just as unhealthy in a D/s relationship, as it can in a traditional "vanilla" relationship...

Personal research and communication are usually good places to start when one feels a bit lost.

lil_slave_rose said:

i was not implying anything of the sort, which is why i said *i* would not feel cherished, treasured, etc....it seems on this forum if you do not put 'in my relationship' 'for myself' or 'in my opinion' everyone assumes you are making a 'general truth' and that is NOT at all what i was doing , i was simply saying that FOR ME..1-2 hours a day is not enough to make me feel cherished and such. i'm sorry if it seemed as though i was implying the same was true for everyone, though re-reading my post i don't see where i made it seem that way as i did say *i* through the whole thing....as for being defensive, i wasn't doing that either, i was trying to explain what i was saying better, although it seems i failed at that as well...lol

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One of the many flaws between text vs vocal comunication. When I read your first post it did sound a bit like "how could anyone feel cherished with 1-2 hours communication?" but not nessisarily that you were bashing those who may indeed feel that way.

I did used to call my ex on his breaks and such, but again he felt smuthered by me, and I didn't feel like he was giving me adiquit attention. Where as Jounar can make me feel very cherished with a 20 min im session just before we each tuck into bed.

I think that's another reason why I feel so cherished with such a drop in time spent together. I know each minute we chat is a sacrifice, on both our parts most of the time, as we chat just before bedtime usually so each minute we chat is one less towards sleep and the new day. And the crew at work can tell when I've been up too late, if I don't get 8 hours sleep I'm more than a bit grumpy. *giggles*

We have spent nights chatting until the sun was up on his end of the world, and nearly mine. And it does make me feel extra special when we can share that, but I feel just as special with an extra 10 minutes past normal bedtime. The fact that he gives up sleep for me some times means more to me than if he called me 20 times throughout the day. But that's me. And like I said, my view might change if he were on the same side of world I am.

New Sub - thanks for advice

Thanks for the advice.

I will try to stop being "afraid." This really is all so new. He has been so sweet and loving. But he is trying to teach me to be a sub, to be "his."

And I react as if it were a "regular" relationship, trying to elicit responses as a "girl" might normally. ie. trying to make him mad, jealous, etc. to get attention.

I'm finding out that I can't do that!

And I totally agree that the online relationship triggers ALL of the same thoughts and fears and joys that any other new relationship has.



I really want this to work. I can see where this relationship could teach me so many things about the other aspects of my life.

Thanks again for the advice... and would welcome any other!

the captians wench said:

One of the many flaws between text vs vocal comunication. When I read your first post it did sound a bit like "how could anyone feel cherished with 1-2 hours communication?" but not nessisarily that you were bashing those who may indeed feel that way.

I did used to call my ex on his breaks and such, but again he felt smuthered by me, and I didn't feel like he was giving me adiquit attention. Where as Jounar can make me feel very cherished with a 20 min im session just before we each tuck into bed.

I think that's another reason why I feel so cherished with such a drop in time spent together. I know each minute we chat is a sacrifice, on both our parts most of the time, as we chat just before bedtime usually so each minute we chat is one less towards sleep and the new day. And the crew at work can tell when I've been up too late, if I don't get 8 hours sleep I'm more than a bit grumpy. *giggles*

We have spent nights chatting until the sun was up on his end of the world, and nearly mine. And it does make me feel extra special when we can share that, but I feel just as special with an extra 10 minutes past normal bedtime. The fact that he gives up sleep for me some times means more to me than if he called me 20 times throughout the day. But that's me. And like I said, my view might change if he were on the same side of world I am.

Click to expand...

Oh god wench *giggle* you just made me go all girly!

I remember nights when I've been up late..sometimes on Lit and He is just getting up on His side of the world. He comes on MSN and tells me to to get to bed and that He will phone and 'tuck me in'...I love being tucked in! lol

newsouthernsub said:

I believe i just laughed out loud and people in the next booth are wondering why I'm humming "green purple people eater".

(one eyed....one horned.... i digress....).

Thanks for the advice.... I'll check out all the links.

As I type this reply, he is online, but but not acknowledging me...

I really made him mad last night and I know he is teaching me a lesson.

I am so afraid I will not do/say the right things, that I am a basket case!
That he'll leave, and we've just gotten started. Heck, we've only had *sex* twice.

What the hell? We southern girls are strong.. I tell ya'... because "tomorrow is another day" and all that....

But he is really doing me in! I guess that's partly the idea though, huh?

Click to expand...

eeek for me, being ignored would do ALOT of damage to my trust for Him. it would not teach me a lesson, it would do emotional harm. and if you are just starting out in this relationship why is he expecting you to know exactly how to 'act' or 'talk' or whatever??

the captians wench said:

One of the many flaws between text vs vocal comunication. When I read your first post it did sound a bit like "how could anyone feel cherished with 1-2 hours communication?" but not nessisarily that you were bashing those who may indeed feel that way.

I did used to call my ex on his breaks and such, but again he felt smuthered by me, and I didn't feel like he was giving me adiquit attention. Where as Jounar can make me feel very cherished with a 20 min im session just before we each tuck into bed.

I think that's another reason why I feel so cherished with such a drop in time spent together. I know each minute we chat is a sacrifice, on both our parts most of the time, as we chat just before bedtime usually so each minute we chat is one less towards sleep and the new day. And the crew at work can tell when I've been up too late, if I don't get 8 hours sleep I'm more than a bit grumpy. *giggles*

We have spent nights chatting until the sun was up on his end of the world, and nearly mine. And it does make me feel extra special when we can share that, but I feel just as special with an extra 10 minutes past normal bedtime. The fact that he gives up sleep for me some times means more to me than if he called me 20 times throughout the day. But that's me. And like I said, my view might change if he were on the same side of world I am.

Click to expand...

though we are not on the other side of the world, He is over 2,000 miles away from me. and the time difference (even though it's only 3 hours) does play a huge part in things. when it's 6:00 in the morning here it's 3:00 there so it's not THAT late for him. again, sorry my words got taken wrong as i was not and never would imply that what works for me works for everyone. i can't and would never speak for another submissive and how they feel...that would be silly of me.

New sub learning the ropes

Thanks all

I'll take all advice to heart. If you have more... keep it coming!

Always thought this "world" or "lifestyle" was all about the SEX.
But am finding there is so much more...

I must say though... had phone sex the other night for the first time... and WOW!

(Yes, I know... virgin and all that...)

Thanks Again

lil_slave_rose said:

i understand for some it may be fine to have 1-2 hours 'together' for ME however, i need more. Master and i are on the phone ALL of the time and have been pretty much since we started. the only time we are not on the phone is when he is at work, or when we are sleeping. even when He's at work, He calls me on His breaks and lunch. i am unemployed at the moment, but when i was working, we still talked the majority of the day. when i'm doing errands, most of the time, i'm on my cell phone with Him. and while it may be 'average' for two normal busy productive adults (which i believe Him and i are as well) it's not average for Him and i. i just need more.....doesn't mean that's what is right for everyone else, but for US it's what works and the way it needs to be in order to maintain our relationship from such a distance.

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I must say that I see couples like this tied together via phone all the time. Now if that works for both of you great. I see that what you said applies only to you two and that's cool.

The rest of my post isn't to put you down but I have to give my take on it.

It would drive me NUTS to always be on the phone or online like that. Further I can't imagine that I could give the sort of time and attention that I feel my work, children, husband in driving require being on the phone or online all the time.

I agree that 1-2 hours a day is not only enough, for me and the one I care about it's more than we usually can get. Sure we would like more but we treasure what we can get. We make the best of what we do have. Both of us are exceedingly busy. The amount of time or lack thereof doesn't make it "play" for us.

And that is just my feeling on it.

newsouthernsub said:

*phew*
I do not know where to begin... I am a new sub. I didn't even mean to be (scratches head) but here I am... I met my new Master in a chat room. He has completely taken me over, my life and my thoughts. We are long distance. I have never been a sub, I actually know so little about this life. But I seem to be unable to stop thinking about him or seeking him whenever i have even a moment.

I stumbled in here trying to be "educated." I totally understand and agree with those who say the attention issue is huge! I find myself wanting his constant attention.

There are lots of things that i need to learn, but the 2 areas i would welcome ANY and ALL advice are:

Language - I seem to say all the wrong things... as the saying goes! Is there a "cheat sheet" a dictionary ??? of acceptable words i may use? should use? I follow his lead but I still get it wrong sometimes!

Expectaions: What is in the future? I believe this will be an online only relationship, at least for the new future. So for anyone in that type of relationship, I would welcome any advice.

This thread as been so helpful, if only i had enough time in the day to read all the back pages!

Thanks!

Click to expand...

I'm glad you are having a good time. It sounds like you are currently in that really heady and exciting part of the relationship that is marked by obsession.

As for what you can and can't say, that MUST be found out with him. If you have no mechanism by which you two can talk outside of D/s and really communicate then that's a real problem IMO. Hopefully he will put that in place.

If he doesn't I don't think he is much more than an online player. I hope for your sake I'm wrong about that.

The future might take you a few places. Place one, you meet and take it off line. Place two, you find out he is a wanker, married, not really in D/s, he wants something you can't and won't give him, it's over and your heart is broken. Place three you continue online because it suits you both and you both work hard at it. There are more places of course but those are the three that came to mind first.

I wish you well. Just enjoy the ride, while using safety rules, while you can. There will be time enough to figure things out later.

Fury

FurryFury said:

I must say that I see couples like this tied together via phone all the time. Now if that works for both of you great. I see that what you said applies only to you two and that's cool.

The rest of my post isn't to put you down but I have to give my take on it.

It would drive me NUTS to always be on the phone or online like that. Further I can't imagine that I could give the sort of time and attention that I feel my work, children, husband in driving require being on the phone or online all the time.

I agree that 1-2 hours a day is not only enough, for me and the one I care about it's more than we usually can get. Sure we would like more but we treasure what we can get. We make the best of what we do have. Both of us are exceedingly busy. The amount of time or lack thereof doesn't make it "play" for us.

And that is just my feeling on it.

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we don't do alot of 'online' anything, it's mostly on the phone. and while it is alot of time on the phone, my kids get alot of my time and attention, Master is so used to hearing our everyday goings on, He's a part of it, even though He's only on the phone. of course there are times taht we can't be on the phone the whole day, here lately have been those kinds of days, seems we've not had alot of time at all, and it's really playing havoc on me and i know it is on Him also. anyway, thank you for seeing that what i said applied to him and i only, i wouldn't say this is the way to go for anyone, and thank god for unlimited long distance, and cell phones

A and i sometimes only speak for a few minutes a day. life just takes up too much time. other days we speak for hours, and spend time on web cam and online as well. even on days that i dont get to speak with him, i still wear his collar, i still follow his rules, fulfill his assignments, and behave in a manner that would make A proud that i am his. in this way, i always manage to feel loved, cherished, and his, even when time is working against us.

This has just been a bad weekend for me thinking...

*sighs* as a rule i try to avoid confrontations or voice my dislike on something (unless its sexually based or realitively minor)...my reasonings are wrapped up in a bunch of unhealthy thinking but what i would like to know is how do you tell the other in a ld that something bothered you/hurt you emotionally without causing a potentially damaging argument? (keeping in mind with that, that the medium is online)

littleone77 said:

This has just been a bad weekend for me thinking...

*sighs* as a rule i try to avoid confrontations or voice my dislike on something (unless its sexually based or realitively minor)...my reasonings are wrapped up in a bunch of unhealthy thinking but what i would like to know is how do you tell the other in a ld that something bothered you/hurt you emotionally without causing a potentially damaging argument? (keeping in mind with that, that the medium is online)

Click to expand...

ive never been good at this, so im going to avoid giving advice, but i will wish you good luck and hope evything works out

myinnerslut said:

ive never been good at this, so im going to avoid giving advice, but i will wish you good luck and hope evything works out

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*small smile* well, at least i am not the only one that has issues with it...the main crux of the problem is me worried i might become annoying and iniate Him no longer wanting me which is something that frustrates Him to no end *sighs*

littleone77 said:

This has just been a bad weekend for me thinking...

*sighs* as a rule i try to avoid confrontations or voice my dislike on something (unless its sexually based or realitively minor)...my reasonings are wrapped up in a bunch of unhealthy thinking but what i would like to know is how do you tell the other in a ld that something bothered you/hurt you emotionally without causing a potentially damaging argument? (keeping in mind with that, that the medium is online)

Click to expand...

It can be a really difficult medium to raise and discuss issues on Littleone....I sometimes find it a little difficult myself.
But my Master has always instilled in me the need to be open with Him about my feelings....good or bad. Initially it sat a little uncomfortably with me as I didn't want to come across as whining! However I can see He is right as it stops things, often simple misunderstandings being bottled up and festering.

I guess its all down to personal taste..for some people its better to raise issue over the phone, for me however this is not the case as I find I am able to express myself better in writing. I will usually try and raise it during one of our chats on MSN and sometimes its just a matter of biting the bullet and asking if I can tell Him something that I found upsetting. Other times though...if its quite complicated I write it in an email that He will receive before we are next together on MSN and we generally end up discussing it then.
As for how to avoid a potentially damaging argument..well unfortunately I don't think you can ever be sure how the other person will react, but if you deliver it a way that shows sensitivity and explain that you are eager to resolve it because you love them and all you share.........well, they may not agree with your issue, but they will hopefully appreciate the sentiments behind how and why you raised it.

Good luck

littleone77 said:

This has just been a bad weekend for me thinking...

*sighs* as a rule i try to avoid confrontations or voice my dislike on something (unless its sexually based or realitively minor)...my reasonings are wrapped up in a bunch of unhealthy thinking but what i would like to know is how do you tell the other in a ld that something bothered you/hurt you emotionally without causing a potentially damaging argument? (keeping in mind with that, that the medium is online)

Click to expand...

I ran into this last night actaully. It's been building up for a while.

I hate "play" rules. they drive me nuts because I think you're upset when you're not, and it really hurts me to break a rule, I hate dissapointing people. Well I was punished for pouting last night. This is one that I've always thought was one of this "play" rules. So while I complied, I sort of felt a bit jilted. So I asked him, was I punished because he wanted to see me in pain, or was it really for pouting.

Well after a long talk about it, which started to go a disasturous way, thins were cleared up for me. The pouting and and a few other "rules" I have are just like when I tease him. They're tolerated to a point, but when I cross a line, or he thinks I'm being too sammy, or getting away with too much, then I will be punished. This makes a lot more since to me.

But I am free to always ask a question when I'm confused or something. It's one of the things I love about Jounar. But just because I am allowd to ask a question doesn't mean that it's always taken how I ment it. But we keep talking until we both feel better about the situation. And this time we pretty much both were put at ease when we agreed it's just hard to understand fully what the other means when it's all text.

Which leads me to wonder how our dinamic with change when we are face to face. We do so well at reading each other now when all we really get is text and cam, when theyre is voice, and more body ques, I wonder how that will effect how we relate.

FurryFury said:

It would drive me NUTS to always be on the phone or online like that. Further I can't imagine that I could give the sort of time and attention that I feel my work, children, husband in driving require being on the phone or online all the time.

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It did drive me nuts. For him it wasn't as difficult as at that point in time he was working online almost all day so while we were chatting he was also working and his boss also had no problem with it. For me it meant trying to use the little time he didn't expect me online to catch some sleep as well as do other chores which were too far from the PC to do while chatting, and spend time with my son though he didn't have a problem coming to me while I was online as well. It was very restrictive and frustrating and I think fuelled some of the misunderstandings we had online. It just made more sense to live together and do away with all the difficulties.

Catalina

If two people are both into that much phone or online good for them.

To me it seems unhealthy though.

Fury

FurryFury said:

If two people are both into that much phone or online good for them.

To me it seems unhealthy though.

Fury

Click to expand...

Ah, guess you have to be in the situation without a primary relationship to fill in the gaps. For us it just wasn't enough, nor did we have the patience to waste anymore time waiting, for others there are many factors which leave it as the only option. If you find the right person, it is amazing what you can go through to stay together. I couldn't do it as a permanent arrangement, or a permanent fill in for what I felt I needed, but it was the perfect way to meet the right one for me as I didn't have a built in babysitter or money to hire one while I went to things like munches etc., nor do I find those things appealing as a regular outlet (I have a problem with any form of regularity I now realise) so online was my one and only option. Fortunately for me, for the first time in my life I don't crave for something more.

Catalina

FurryFury said:

If two people are both into that much phone or online good for them.

To me it seems unhealthy though.

Fury

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it's the only option we have right now, and if we didn't talk on the phone as much as we do, we wouldn't have made it as far as we have and i know this. it's not unhealthy simply because everything else is still taken care of. my kids are fine, my house is taken care of, my errands get ran, everything gets done. if i were to stay on the phone or on the internet and that's ALL i did, nothing else got done, my kids were neglected, etc..then yea, that's unhealthy. *shrugs* i guess you just have to be in the situation to understand.

lil_slave_rose said:

it's the only option we have right now, and if we didn't talk on the phone as much as we do, we wouldn't have made it as far as we have and i know this. it's not unhealthy simply because everything else is still taken care of. my kids are fine, my house is taken care of, my errands get ran, everything gets done. if i were to stay on the phone or on the internet and that's ALL i did, nothing else got done, my kids were neglected, etc..then yea, that's unhealthy. *shrugs* i guess you just have to be in the situation to understand.

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As I said, I'm not putting you down if you are both into it.

It just sounds unpleasantly co-dependent for me. Thank God, my husband and my Dom feel that way too! I'd def feel like they were being way more controlling than I was comfortable with.

Fury

FurryFury said:

As I said, I'm not putting you down if you are both into it.

It just sounds unpleasantly co-dependent for me. Thank God, my husband and my Dom feel that way too! I'd def feel like they were being way more controlling than I was comfortable with.

Fury

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LOL, well perhaps the difference here FF is you need 2 men to do what one can do for rose!! And isn't a big part of having a Dom wanting to be controlled? See, for me, I couldn't concentrate on more than one man, especially where D/s is involved, and give either of them the best of me, but that is just me...I tend to be an all or nothing type girl which gets in the way of ever entertaining any thoughts of having more than one in my life. Call it co-dependent if you want, I just call it committed. ...and they don't have to schedule who has rights over my time and when as there is ony one to demand my 100% attention anytime he chooses.

Catalina

FurryFury said:

As I said, I'm not putting you down if you are both into it.

It just sounds unpleasantly co-dependent for me. Thank God, my husband and my Dom feel that way too! I'd def feel like they were being way more controlling than I was comfortable with.

Fury

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I think this is an issue I've come a long way on. There was a time when I thought a lot like rose, and I thought that if Jounar really cared about me then he'd want to spend more time with me on the phone, on line, and getting my ass over there. I just thought that if some one cared so much for me why wouldn't they want to make me the center of their world.

It took time, but I realized that it was very unfair of me to think that. He has work, friend, family, and a life over there that he has to lead. Taking care of himself, and taking care of myself for that matter, really needs to be the first priority, other wize there will be nothing for me to go over to.

As I think about it now, even if he were a half hour drive away insted of an 8 hour flight, I don't think I'd be there everynight. It would deffinitly be easier to talk to him when I wanted to, and visit, but realistically I don't think face to face contact would happen as much as I'd like to think it would.

This doesn't mean that he cares for me any less, or I him. Just that we both realize that life goes on, and we have to function. As much as I wish I could spend every second of every day with him, that's just not possible, and LDR has little to do with it.

Besides, I think he'd get annoyed with me, and I'd be corrected a lot more if we spent that much time together.

FurryFury said:

As I said, I'm not putting you down if you are both into it.

It just sounds unpleasantly co-dependent for me. Thank God, my husband and my Dom feel that way too! I'd def feel like they were being way more controlling than I was comfortable with.

Fury

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*smiles* well with all due respect, Fury, P IS in control of me, and basically i AM co-dependent on Him, that is the dynamic of our relationship....though i do understand how it's not right for you, but that doesn't make it 'unhealthy' for me and Him, is what i was saying. and also, you have a primary relationship besides your Dom, i on the other hand, have P, which is my primary relationship, i don't have someone else to fill in the gaps or whatever. i don't think you were putting me down, but the last post did feel as if you were saying what we were doing is unhealthy...*shrugs* different strokes for different folks i suppose