In need of feedback for my first story

Author name: Myryad

Story name: Redhead Zombie

Category: Erotic Horror

Word count: About 4,000 words

Link: here


Hello!
I've just submitted my first story on literotica, and one of the first erotic story I've written to completion.
Being young (+english isn't my first language), I thought I could use some constructive criticism, especially given the weird tone I found myself using, and how I could improve from there.
Thanks a lot!

Edit: I would like some advice on the sex scene part, since I feel it's the most important and "newest" part for me.

Well welcome to Lit Myryad, hope you enjoy your stay. You mentioned English not being your first language and you would definitely benefit from seeking out a proofreader/editor to help you iron out some of the issues stemming from that. (Having said that it does amaze me that a lot of times the writing from people for whom English isn't their primary language can have fewer mistakes than for people where English is their primary language.)

As far as the story goes - it is bizarre but I'm guessing by the subject matter that is what you were going for. I think you did a credible job of trying to show us what Mike was thinking/feeling though of course his actions are crazy to say the least. Perhaps was just temporary insanity brought about by the strain of what he has experienced since the start of zombie apocalypse or is beginning of total breakdown he is sliding into, the reader can't tell for sure. Hard to think of as erotic considering he was having sex with a rotting zombie but in his mind he became fascinated with her and you conveyed that well.

Would be interested to see something different from you and how you'd approach other types of subjects.

Thanks a lot for the insight!
I shall try to find a proofreader indeed.

I was going for something bizarre as you said, it seems at least I got it right on this point. I'd want to go for something more erotic next time, so I'll see how I do on this matter.

This story needs way less work than I thought I was going to find..

As others have pointed out, you need an editor. The written word is the least important part of crafting a good story, but it’s not unimportant by any means. The writing is the delivery vehicle that gets the story across. Your writing, as is, is 90% good enough, meaning that 10% of the time, you are getting in your own way and tripping yourself up. 90% is really good for a first time. A tiny bit of improvement and you will stop being your own biggest hurdle. Then there’s about another 30% improvement (above 100%) where you can improve, and it adds something, but the impact is more difficult to assess.

I always point to DeathAndTaxes as an example of a writer whose prose is practically perfect. On my best days, I aim to match her mediocre work.

I was particularly struck by the way you captured Mike’s frustration. The song of the Beta Male. I loved how you used a zombie apocalypse to create a situation where there was literally just the one woman in Mike’s world. I felt like I understood his frustration, and given that, I had no difficulty imagining the redheaded zombie (I’m going to call her RZ) as being VERY human . I liked how you weaved the description of RZ with both attractive human features and decay, and how Mike was aware of both. I liked how you created circumstances that pushed him over his limit, and yet still had him grappling with the moral implications of his actions.

That is brilliant storytelling.

In a different thread recently, another author was trying to write something that attempted shocked the reader into admitting something terrible about themselves. I feel like you did enough here to succeed in that task. I can’t 100% relate to Mike’s circumstances, as a woman. It’s not quite the same for me because no penis, but I can empathize with that feeling of simply not being able to hold back anymore. I can see how some people would break down.

I struggled a little bit following the sex scene. Like, I could imagine how the different positions might line up, but that didn’t always translate to what you were describing. Like at one point he’s inside of her, and I thought he was behind her, but you described her lunging at him. When writing sex, try to imagine it as Flesh Twister (right hand on left breast, left hand on butt cheek). Once you get a few moves in, you have to be very careful not to have too many things going in opposite directions.

This is an incredibly solid first attempt. You should be proud.

Agree with MD, a wonderfully bizarre read, the red headed zombie girl straight out of a Clive Barker story.

Agree also the need for an editor - although your ESL is better than many Lit writers with English as their first language, so it's minor, mechanical stuff. I'm pretty forgiving on this if the imagery is there, and in this story, it's pretty good.

The only issue with zombie stories though, is they've been done to death (boom tish...); so in my mind the tropes and world building are already there, so your writing runs the risk of getting lazy; and, the story telling has to be exceptionally good to stand out.

Good start, though, write more!

Good story

I have to agree with the other posters here. You wrote a solid story and it was creative and well presented. The few errors of grammar and syntax you had did not overly interrupt the flow of the story. Most of the mistakes were pretty minor and had to do with using the wrong tense of a verb. A little more proofreading would definitely help, but you had a good idea with this story and it came across. The subject matter was not really to my taste, but it was told well enough that it didn't gross me out or make me close the window.

(Sorry for answering late, I didn't think I would have more answers so I stopped checking the thread)

Thanks a lot for the feedback, I'm glad I managed to conveyed what I wanted to.
I'm also thankful for highlighting where I should improve, as, indeed, stuff like being clear about the sex positions at all time can be a bit tricky and I need to work on it.

It also gives me a bit more motivation to start writing other erotic pieces, as I was more focused on sfw writing at the moment.