More Humour

A man comes home unexpectedly and finds his wife with a travelling salesman. He grabs the naked travelling salesman, drags him to the work shed and clamps the poor man's willie inside a vice mounted to the work bench. Next, he grabs a large pair of garden shears.

Panicked, the travelling salesman cries out, "You're not going to cut off my willie, are you?"

"No, you are," replied the man. "I'm going to set the shed on fire."

All hail the lords!

After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration.

The man thought to himself, "I am so screwed!"

To his surprise, a bright light came from the heavens and a deep voice said to him "Not yet my son, listen very carefully: what you have to do is run up to the chief of the tribe, kick him in the nuts, and take his spear. As soon as you take his spear, kill his only son with it."

Without thinking twice, the man does as he was told. As he put the spear through the young cannibal's heart.

The bright light appeared again and the deep voice said to him "Now you are screwed."

OK, I may have told this story before.

I used to live in East London, near the famous Eagle pub (up and down the City Road, in and out the Eagle). This story is about another even more traditional pub nearby, absolutely bursting with dark wood fittings and old carpet and red plush stools to sit on. No horse brasses, cuz it was a London pub (HP and Ogg and other Brits will know what I mean).

Behind the bar they had a jar of pickled eggs. Now, American chums, these are a great treat. What you do, is buy a packet of crisps and a pickled (hard boiled) egg, and they put the egg in the crisps and you eat it up with the crisps. Honestly, this is a treat on a par with scratchings - which are sort of fried dried very fatty pigskin snacks. Pardon? Health crisis? I have no idea why that is.

So, a man comes in to the bar and says: "Oh, I will have a pickled egg."

"What?!" cries the pub landlord. "That's our Damien Hirst!"

Sidney was driving his taxi home from his route in the city when he was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt and given a ticket.

Two days later, same ticket, same cop.

“So,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?”

“Yes,” said Sid, “I’ve learned I need to take a different way home from work!”

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.

The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"

Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The little boy answered no.

Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"

Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again.

Grandpa said, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar."

A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie jar.

Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"

The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah, my dick can touch my ass!"

The boy replied, "Then go f*ck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

Why did Richard Cody change his name to William?
He didn't want to be known as Buffalo Dick.

Did you all hear about the new breakfast cereal for impotent men?
Its called: 'nut n raisin honey'!


The definition of a loser?
A man with a hard on who walks into
a wall and busts his nose.

Hullo DG!

I am cooking lunch so I'll post a joke later, just wanted to say Hi.

(Buffalo Dick! )

Go Boy!

A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails. The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink.

One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell.

His furious wife opens the door.

'Where the hell have you been?' she screams.

The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts, 'We're nearly there!'

the snails.

I suppose you haven't got one about frogs - with a recipe

A (insert least favorite gender or ethnic stereotype here) science professor presents a frog to his class and instructs his class to take notes. He begins by telling the frog to jump. It leaps four feet across the table and the professor announces, "As you have observed, a frog with four legs jumps four feet."

He produces a large meat cleaver, hacks off one of the poor frog's legs and repeats his command, "Jump!" The frog manages three feet and the professor proudly announces, "Frog with three legs jumps three feet."

He again hacks off another of the frog's legs, repeats his command and announces the result, "As you have observed, a frog with two legs jumps two feet."

Once more, the meat cleaver subtracts another leg for the ultimate announcement, "Frog with one leg jumps one feet."

Finally, the professor hacks off the final leg and yells, "Jump!" The frog just lays there. Again and again, the professor repeats his command, louder and louder each time until he draws his final conclusion. "As you have observed, a frog with no legs is deaf!"

- that's so 'science'!

And a recipe? Did he casserole the legs? TXRad promised me a recipe for frogs but then disappeared, the cheating Loving Wife author.

"There's more than one way to skin a cat," she mused,
as she pinned its little paws to the dissection board.
--Bulwer-Lytton Contest winner

NaokoSmith said:

- that's so 'science'!

And a recipe? Did he casserole the legs? TXRad promised me a recipe for frogs but then disappeared, the cheating Loving Wife author.

Click to expand...

Seen these ?

Hypoxia said:

"There's more than one way to skin a cat," she mused,
as she pinned its little paws to the dissection board.
--Bulwer-Lytton Contest winner

Click to expand...

Nice One!

NaokoSmith said:

- that's so 'science'!

And a recipe? Did he casserole the legs? TXRad promised me a recipe for frogs but then disappeared, the cheating Loving Wife author.

Click to expand...

How do you eat a frog a man asks the chef.

Well you take one little leg and put it over your left ear and you take the other leg and put it over your right ear.

Chuck Norris Alerts!

1. Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet...
He scares the shit out of it!

2. Who's girl is that?

3. What happens when Chuck calls? Find here

Even smell moth balls?

Wasn't it difficult getting your nose between the little bug's legs?

NaokoSmith said:

OK, I may have told this story before.

I used to live in East London, near the famous Eagle pub (up and down the City Road, in and out the Eagle). This story is about another even more traditional pub nearby, absolutely bursting with dark wood fittings and old carpet and red plush stools to sit on. No horse brasses, cuz it was a London pub (HP and Ogg and other Brits will know what I mean).

Behind the bar they had a jar of pickled eggs. Now, American chums, these are a great treat. What you do, is buy a packet of crisps and a pickled (hard boiled) egg, and they put the egg in the crisps and you eat it up with the crisps. Honestly, this is a treat on a par with scratchings - which are sort of fried dried very fatty pigskin snacks. Pardon? Health crisis? I have no idea why that is.

So, a man comes in to the bar and says: "Oh, I will have a pickled egg."

"What?!" cries the pub landlord. "That's our Damien Hirst!"

...

Click to expand...

Back in the early 1960s I lived in Plymouth, Devon. There was, and probably still is, an old Pub in the Barbican area. One evening I was out with friends celebrating a 21st birthday and we ended up in that pub after an evening's drink in various Plymouth pubs.

The particular pub was run by a friend/former Civil Service colleague of my father's. Its speciality was rough Devon Cider (Scrumpy). But I should not have started on Scrumpy after an evening of drinking Newcastle Brown Ale.

Nor should I have had two pickled eggs. They were in a jar, sat on the bar, and the vinegar in which they were stored was brown and very cloudy.

The result was predictable. I had to rush out of the pub and empty my stomach into the harbour. Ever since then, the smell, or even the sight of ancient pickled eggs is enough to make my stomach heave.

Why were those pickled eggs so virulent?

They had been found in a sealed jar in the cellar and they were pre-1939 vintage - older than the birthday boy.

A young New Zealand lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Taupo.'

The manager liked the New Zealander so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The New Zealander said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing.....'

How does Pinocchio make love to his wife?
She sits on his face and he starts telling lies.

What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why do women like hunters?
They always go deep into the bush, shoot twice, and eat what they shoot.

Teenagers are a lot like cats

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

* No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.

* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.

* Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers."
You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her,"Do it but ask him for $2000, pick up the money very quickly and he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."

So she agrees.

Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "What happened?"

She responds, "The Bastard used coins! I'm still picking and he's still f*cking!"

If you find this joke in bad taste, don't blame me. You read it.

A woman was traveling, having left her brother as a house / pet sitter. He was also the caregiver for their mother who lived with her.

The woman called home and spoke to her brother. "I stopped for gas so I thought I call you to check on things. Are you remembering to feed my cat?"

He blurted, "Callie is dead."

"Oh my God, how can you just blurt that out like that? What happened?"

"Well, she got outside. I searched for a hour and then I found her on the roof. When I went up to get her, she ran to the other end. Mom climbed the ladder to help corner her and I chased Callie toward Mom. At the last instant, Callie jumped over Mom but it was too far to the ground. She broke a bunch of bones and laid there. I made her comfortable and got ready to take her to the vet but the poor thing died."

The woman was crying over the sudden loss. After collecting her emotions, she advised her brother, "You have to learn to mention things a little more gently. You shouldn't have said she died right out. Tell me she's on the roof and then as you give me the details, it won't be so hard to take. Promise to try?"

"I promise."

"Good. Now let me talk to Mom."

"She's on the roof."

The Penis Study

Sorry if this offends any Canadians but I couldn't help myself.

The Penis Study. The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.