Raging_Bull
Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2008
- Posts
- 67
Hi,
I guess I was kidding myself all along but I want to accept that something is really wrong with my head. Never really fit in with the society - not much of friends or family, just me and my "impossible" goose chases (which btw I chased down finally). Anyway, I was depressed as long as I can remember and I tried medication a few years back. It didn't help and I relished about planning my suicide in detail during that time. Quit medication, tried "natural" remedies, therapy, hell even paid a doc $1000 out of pocket to run tests on my head. Didn't help. Now a few years later, I take amphetamines in the morning, try different things to sleep, and as usual keep moving between medications to find that mental equilibrium.
It dawned on me today if the root/fix of my mental problems could be the fact that I have never ever felt sexually fulfilled ( had lots of vanilla sex but not BDSM and I strongly identify as a dom). I was having sadistic sexual fantasies as a 5 year old kid (yes that's depressingly accurate), so that's a lifetime's worth of sexual frustration.
I googled it and there appears to be some research recommending some BDSM acts (e.g. caning) for depression. I just would like to know if someone here saw really significant change in their mental health status once they came in tune with their true sexuality (made the switch to BDSM). I probably can't do much about it anyway, but it would be comforting to know if there's hope because frankly, I am this close sometimes to being suicidal again.
I guess I was kidding myself all along but I want to accept that something is really wrong with my head. Never really fit in with the society - not much of friends or family, just me and my "impossible" goose chases (which btw I chased down finally). Anyway, I was depressed as long as I can remember and I tried medication a few years back. It didn't help and I relished about planning my suicide in detail during that time. Quit medication, tried "natural" remedies, therapy, hell even paid a doc $1000 out of pocket to run tests on my head. Didn't help. Now a few years later, I take amphetamines in the morning, try different things to sleep, and as usual keep moving between medications to find that mental equilibrium.
It dawned on me today if the root/fix of my mental problems could be the fact that I have never ever felt sexually fulfilled ( had lots of vanilla sex but not BDSM and I strongly identify as a dom). I was having sadistic sexual fantasies as a 5 year old kid (yes that's depressingly accurate), so that's a lifetime's worth of sexual frustration.
I googled it and there appears to be some research recommending some BDSM acts (e.g. caning) for depression. I just would like to know if someone here saw really significant change in their mental health status once they came in tune with their true sexuality (made the switch to BDSM). I probably can't do much about it anyway, but it would be comforting to know if there's hope because frankly, I am this close sometimes to being suicidal again.