Limits - Hard, Soft, None

cookiecat

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I'm curious about your limits. Do you have any!? Have you ever told someone you don't? Have your limits changed over time? When you meet someone new, do you negotiate / discuss these limits? If you're in a relationship, how do you approach new ways to play in terms of addressing limits?

Eliminating the "standard" 3 - minors, death, permanent damage - what are your limits?
 
Naturally I have limits.

Hard ones are:
- Blood
- Extensive or long-lasting bruises
- Marks where they show (face, hands) - try to avoid those.
- Anything sharp except maybe a pinwheel
- Fire
- Scat
- Head/eyebrow shaving
- Being with another man (as in I'm forced to gay sex)
- Cheating or polygamy

Soft (can be discussed)
- Hard pain - can be persuaded to give if that's what she likes. Receiving is hard limit
- Pee play
- Electricity
- Bringing any other people into sex


And probably a ton of other stuff that I can't think about right now

As for "No Limits" - I would instantly get a huge distrust to anyone who said that. If I want to cut your legs off, would that not be a limit? Exactly.
There are always limits.
At best, such person doesn't think things through and does not treat BDSM seriously. They'll get hurt, or get me hurt - and I don't want that. I'd probably never have a scene with a person who doesn't understand her limits. It's better if she names too much, and then, as the relationship goes, averts some of them. Much better than naming too little and getting upset in bed.

Do limits change? Yes. I once thought everything to do with pee is distasteful, but now I just think it's messy. It used to be a hard limit, now I can be persuaded to try it - quite easily. It's still a soft limit, which means I won't just go and do that.
 
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I'm curious about your limits. Do you have any!? Have you ever told someone you don't? Have your limits changed over time? When you meet someone new, do you negotiate / discuss these limits? If you're in a relationship, how do you approach new ways to play in terms of addressing limits?

Eliminating the "standard" 3 - minors, death, permanent damage - what are your limits?
sissy has limits/boundaries.
sissy has told someone "sissy does not do that".
sissy has had some limits/boundaries change over the period of the relationship.
sissy is in a relationship, 20 years now, She is prime and sissy will do what She wants. She is a good Dom and cares about sissy. She discusses with sissy (except for 1 thing recently that has placed a wrinkle in the relationship) what She wants sissy to do and has respected sissy's limits/boundaries. This relationship is open and communication is important to sissy, thus She knows a lot about sissy and past lives and understands where the limits/boundaries come from.
 
I'm curious about your limits. Do you have any!? Have you ever told someone you don't? Have your limits changed over time? When you meet someone new, do you negotiate / discuss these limits? If you're in a relationship, how do you approach new ways to play in terms of addressing limits?

Eliminating the "standard" 3 - minors, death, permanent damage - what are your limits?

Thanks for starting this thread! I've been trying to word an OP for a thread about negotiating a couple of times, but this fits the bill quite nicely I think. :)

I don't believe there's anybody (sane) who has no limits at all. That said, I have for sure told people I don't have any limits back in the day when I was still wet behind my ears. I couldn't fathom anybody would be into things I found extremely dangerous and off-putting, so it didn't occur to me to even think of those things as limits that could or should be mentioned. Ah, youth.

My limits have changed somewhat over the years, but at the same time I don't think the changes have been that huge. Generally speaking my limits are very situational and depend on the person I'm with. For some people I'm willing to go that extra mile, with others I'd rather just stay in my comfort zone. I definitely get a lot more out of going that extra mile.

I'm not good at negotiating clear limits before I play with someone, because I need to have a good idea of the chemistry and dynamic we have with each other before being able to do so. For some people I'm willing to do things I really get nothing out of that moment other than the fuzzy feeling of being a good girl and making the other person happy. What I do with new people is I lay out some very general ground rules and define them as need be during the play. It has worked well for me all these years.

With people I really like and connect well with, I'd say I have limits, but I'm very unlikely to enforce them if they're challenged. Do I still talk about those limits with them? That depends, I guess. Some want to know, others not so much. I do mention my doormatty leanings in relation to them, because I feel like it's just good manners and gives them the opportunity to tell me how they feel about the whole doormat thing. Not a lot of people are into it (and in a way I get why).

I also think I am emotionally balanced enough that I can handle the situation, if I truly felt like crap about something that happened because of my doormat tendencies. I have had my limits trampled over in a way that left me feeling really bad for days, but honestly, sometimes that's what I crave and need. And this is also something I bring up when I mention my doormat leanings. I might be okay dealing with the aftermath, but I also have to make sure the other person is as well.
 
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I'm curious about your limits. Do you have any!? Have you ever told someone you don't? Have your limits changed over time? When you meet someone new, do you negotiate / discuss these limits? If you're in a relationship, how do you approach new ways to play in terms of addressing limits?

Eliminating the "standard" 3 - minors, death, permanent damage - what are your limits?

*I had this huge long well worded reply all written out and my phone ate it. :rolleyes:

When I started I was quite young (not illegal young, but had to fight to be taken seriously young) so I was lucky that a few people stepped up to make sure I knew what was what safely. One of those things was showing me how to fill out a checklist, think through it completely, and negotiate after that. As this was a wise way to do things I've pretty much stuck to it since. Whenever I have someone I'm even *discussing* anything with I tend to fill out a new one. It definitely changes depending upon the person in question.

Hard limits (now)
knives**
guns
blood
pee
scat
sharing
humiliation
objectification
visible marks**
permanent marks**
light modification**
heavy modification
edge play**
heavy pain**

Those with asterisks can change to soft limits with time and trust, those without do not.

Soft limits:
entirely depend upon the person in question. I cant even begin to approach this without thinking of a specific person. For example: if I'm talking to someone I know is a hardcore sadist there may be some tools that I chuck into this category because I'd be concerned his definition of "gentle" is NOT mine. 0___o but that could be amended as we get to know one another/develop trust. Whereas if I'm dealing with someone who is not a sadist I'd never need to include it.

No limits:
This immediately calls to mind a conversation between ?Master Carlos or Master John? and Lord Colm on IRC well over a decade ago, perhaps closer to two.... anyhow... the comment, as I remember, had to do with the concept of a no limits slave and that the only way to tell would be "to give her a command to *use your imagination because of forum rules* and see if she did. But this would be a ridiculous thing to test as all it would do is render one without a slave. And this serves no one." Granted it was said very much in jest, but the point stands. It goes very much to what Nezul up there was saying about sawing off a leg.
That said, I have actually said this before, but it had less to do with the concept that I would ACCEPT ANYTHING and more to do with the fact that I was acknowledging my absolute trust in him. That I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he knew my comforts and my fears without my need to express them. That I knew if he asked me to do something outside of my comfort zone that he had a damn good reason, and that I could believe with every fiber of my being that he would never allow harm to come to me.
I do not expect I will ever develop that level of trust with anyone else, but it would be nice to.

Lastly,how do we approach new play that might hit outside a comfort zone:
well it again depends on the partner and the activity.
I have anxiety so for me there are times that I prefer to have a very very clear idea of what will be done, and what is expected of me. (think there will be 10 strokes, you are to count them out).
There are other times that if it is an activity that would normally cause me severe anxiety it might be wise to introduce it while I'm in subspace (consent given BEFORE I'm a firm believer that consent given in play or in subspace specifically is invalid ***for me*** I communicate this clearly). The reason being, as I've said on another thread, anything introduced while I'm in subspace will be perceived as positive, I'm also incapable of anxiety in subspace. Anal was introduced in this way and it was EXTREMELY wise, I think. I didnt experience the anxiety I'd have felt and was relieved of inhibition ;)
 
By a coincidence, I'm just writing a BDSM story where our heroines have this sort of discussion.

In the story, they find a big checklist of BDSM activities and read through it together, discussing each item, so a lot of limits get established at that point.

IRL, though my conversations have mostly come at it from the other side - not "what are your limits?" but "this is what I'm interested in, does that work for you?" So we rarely end up talking limits unless we hit an activity where our tastes really differ... which has not been often. I've been pretty fortunate with compatible partners. So in a lot of areas I haven't really needed to define my boundaries.

STI prevention is an exception, partly because that involves things that might happen when one of us isn't present to discuss. If I'm travelling and Attractive Local Person offers me something enjoyable, I really want to know up front whether this is going to be okay with my partner, so I don't have to wake her up at 4 a.m. her time to ask :)
 
IRL, though my conversations have mostly come at it from the other side - not "what are your limits?" but "this is what I'm interested in, does that work for you?"
That's true. Personally, I find that it's much easier to focus on one thing at a time. This way you can discuss it and find out if that thing works or not.
 
My limits have changed over time as I grew and trusted him.

I didn’t realize before I was actually with him how much I enjoyed pain. Not hard pain, but some sort of pain every time we are together is something I always beg for. I like bruises, marks and bites.

I didn’t realize I may be way more into pee play than i thought- which was, not at all. More into him watching, but who knows? I’m open to it and I never thought I would be.

After my marriage, I never thought I would be into name calling. Cause I was called names, not in a nice way. Being called a bitch is way different than being told to get on all 4’s for him like his little bitch, his slut, his whore, his cunt, his cum dump.
While I do like name calling, I think withholding of affection is extremely cruel.
And don’t call me a Bad Girl. I will cry.

Being objectified. I never thought I would be into that. In fact, I backed off in the beginning because of that. Now I love it.

I love the control aspect. Knife play. Restraints. Something I never thought I’d be into.

I would say hard limits now are no feces. No electricity. No other person. No water or suffocating, although I do enjoy having my throat squeezed and being choke fucked. No disfigurement- this includes cutting my hair or shaving my head or eyebrows.
And if you want to be called Sir or Master or Lord, move along. Not from this mouth.

Soft limits?
Not really, but trepidation.
I’ve never had a ball gag, and I don’t know how I’d feel about that, because I need my mouth.
Orgasm withholding makes me panic. Maybe one day. I hadn’t cum with another person for about 5 years before I met him, so I need my orgasms. Withholding them seems like withholding love. And I can’t have that.
 
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Limits....


I think when taking sex to any level, negotiation is a good tool. It can be an easy fun conversation. I would hope so. I certainly wouldn't want to freak the little darling out. Or her to freak me out for that matter.

Open the door to that conversation with some tact. You certainly don't want to barge home one night or have a 2nd or 3rd date or whatever and start off with 'I'm into pain, horsewhipping pain actually, Let's go!'

Then as the conversation moves along, start talking about more and more of your kinks, her kinks, etc...It's a trust exercise, in a way.

You can really tell a lot about a person on how they react or speak conversationally about this topic. You/we want to feel safe when revealing your darkest desires, eh?
Do they get all squeemish and want to run for the door or are they very frank and level with the conversation. Says a lot. I imagine that has a lot to do with where/how you met them and if that's an existing relationship where you might be seeking new horizons.

Respect, communication, affection go a long way in such a conversation.



Painfully obvious to some of us, I expect. Not so with everyone. Some people don't even know what to say, what are the limits for such a conversation.
 
Naturally I have limits.

Hard ones are:
- Blood
- Extensive or long-lasting bruises
- Marks where they show (face, hands) - try to avoid those.
- Anything sharp except maybe a pinwheel
- Fire
- Scat
- Head/eyebrow shaving
- Being with another man (as in I'm forced to gay sex)
- Cheating or polygamy

Soft (can be discussed)
- Hard pain - can be persuaded to give if that's what she likes. Receiving is hard limit
- Pee play
- Electricity
- Bringing any other people into sex


And probably a ton of other stuff that I can't think about right now

As for "No Limits" - I would instantly get a huge distrust to anyone who said that. If I want to cut your legs off, would that not be a limit? Exactly.
There are always limits.
At best, such person doesn't think things through and does not treat BDSM seriously. They'll get hurt, or get me hurt - and I don't want that. I'd probably never have a scene with a person who doesn't understand her limits. It's better if she names too much, and then, as the relationship goes, averts some of them. Much better than naming too little and getting upset in bed.

Do limits change? Yes. I once thought everything to do with pee is distasteful, but now I just think it's messy. It used to be a hard limit, now I can be persuaded to try it - quite easily. It's still a soft limit, which means I won't just go and do that.


The "i have no limits" comment is, I think, a huge newbie mistake. I dated someone who - as a new Dom - took the sub's 'no limit" statement way too far and they both got seriously hurt. No broken bones or hospital visits but it was traumatic for both of them.

It's interesting to me, Nezhul, you list cheating as a hard limit. I would figure that's a given in any relationship. But you're right, it's not!
 
I'm curious about your limits. Do you have any!? Have you ever told someone you don't? Have your limits changed over time? When you meet someone new, do you negotiate / discuss these limits? If you're in a relationship, how do you approach new ways to play in terms of addressing limits?

Eliminating the "standard" 3 - minors, death, permanent damage - what are your limits?

Last question: current hard limits: animals, blood, poop, humiliation, degradation, pain, teasing, tickling, forced orgasms or orgasm denial, being deprived of approval and affection, being ignored, abandoned, or given away.

More answers later. :)
 
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Last question: current hard limits: animals, blood, poop, humiliation, degradation, pain, teasing, tickling, forced orgasms or orgasm denial, being deprived of approval and affection, being ignored, abandoned, or given away.

More answers later. :)

Fuck.
Tickling.

Tickling is probably my biggest hard limit.
 
<snip> This relationship is open and communication is important to sissy, thus She knows a lot about sissy and past lives and understands where the limits/boundaries come from.

The fact you've been in a relationship with your D for 20 years is inspiring, sissy!

You make an excellent point that often times, limits are triggers to past issues and really need to be respected. Communication is the key to any relationship but especially so when engaging in activity that might not only hurt someone physically, but emotionally.
 
The fact you've been in a relationship with your D for 20 years is inspiring, sissy!

You make an excellent point that often times, limits are triggers to past issues and really need to be respected. Communication is the key to any relationship but especially so when engaging in activity that might not only hurt someone physically, but emotionally.

I’d rather be hurt physically.
 
Thanks for starting this thread! I've been trying to word an OP for a thread about negotiating a couple of times, but this fits the bill quite nicely I think. :)

A negotiating thread would be really good. Negotiating is hard!!! Something that, when I was a new submissive, I didn't feel comfortable doing at all. There's a misconception we can't ask for what we want, need and require.

I don't believe there's anybody (sane) who has no limits at all. That said, I have for sure told people I don't have any limits back in the day when I was still wet behind my ears. I couldn't fathom anybody would be into things I found extremely dangerous and off-putting, so it didn't occur to me to even think of those things as limits that could or should be mentioned. Ah, youth.

My limits have changed somewhat over the years, but at the same time I don't think the changes have been that huge. Generally speaking my limits are very situational and depend on the person I'm with. For some people I'm willing to go that extra mile, with others I'd rather just stay in my comfort zone. I definitely get a lot more out of going that extra mile.

I'm not good at negotiating clear limits before I play with someone, because I need to have a good idea of the chemistry and dynamic we have with each other before being able to do so. For some people I'm willing to do things I really get nothing out of that moment other than the fuzzy feeling of being a good girl and making the other person happy. What I do with new people is I lay out some very general ground rules and define them as need be during the play. It has worked well for me all these years.

Haha! The good 'ole days. At times, I wish I had my shiny, rose colored glasses back on when spanking my own ass was exciting. And, as you mention, the discovery that people actually like the things I couldn't say out loud was pretty thrilling.

That's a great point about chemistry and what you get out of the experience. It's a good thing to acknowledge.


With people I really like and connect well with, I'd say I have limits, but I'm very unlikely to enforce them if they're challenged. Do I still talk about those limits with them? That depends, I guess. Some want to know, others not so much. I do mention my doormatty leanings in relation to them, because I feel like it's just good manners and gives them the opportunity to tell me how they feel about the whole doormat thing. Not a lot of people are into it (and in a way I get why).

I also think I am emotionally balanced enough that I can handle the situation, if I truly felt like crap about something that happened because of my doormat tendencies. I have had my limits trampled over in a way that left me feeling really bad for days, but honestly, sometimes that's what I crave and need. And this is also something I bring up when I mention my doormat leanings. I might be okay dealing with the aftermath, but I also have to make sure the other person is as well.

There needs to be a doormat thread. I'm in that doormat boat with you. It's something I embrace; I don't see it as a negative. The term gets such a bad rap!!

It sounds like you take responsibility for your feelings -- not allowing that whole mind-reading thing happen that I used to get stuck in. How could someone not know how I felt or what I needed? It seemed so obvious!

Interesting that you've recognized what you crave/need is something that might leave you feeling bad. Having your limits trampled. For me, that would take trust.
 
There needs to be a doormat thread. I'm in that doormat boat with you. It's something I embrace; I don't see it as a negative. The term gets such a bad rap!!

It sounds like you take responsibility for your feelings -- not allowing that whole mind-reading thing happen that I used to get stuck in. How could someone not know how I felt or what I needed? It seemed so obvious!

Interesting that you've recognized what you crave/need is something that might leave you feeling bad. Having your limits trampled. For me, that would take trust.

Funny you should mention that! I've been kicking around the idea of starting a thread called "In Praise of Doormats". I agree it gets a bad rap, and I think very often unfairly so. I know a lot of people in the local scene who embrace being a doormat and lead happy lives because of it.
 
<snipped>

That said, I have actually said this before, but it had less to do with the concept that I would ACCEPT ANYTHING and more to do with the fact that I was acknowledging my absolute trust in him. That I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he knew my comforts and my fears without my need to express them. That I knew if he asked me to do something outside of my comfort zone that he had a damn good reason, and that I could believe with every fiber of my being that he would never allow harm to come to me.
I do not expect I will ever develop that level of trust with anyone else, but it would be nice to.

I hope you do have that kind of trust in someone again!! :cattail:

That trust is important to be able to say that to someone.

Lastly,how do we approach new play that might hit outside a comfort zone:
well it again depends on the partner and the activity.
I have anxiety so for me there are times that I prefer to have a very very clear idea of what will be done, and what is expected of me. (think there will be 10 strokes, you are to count them out).
There are other times that if it is an activity that would normally cause me severe anxiety it might be wise to introduce it while I'm in subspace (consent given BEFORE I'm a firm believer that consent given in play or in subspace specifically is invalid ***for me*** I communicate this clearly). The reason being, as I've said on another thread, anything introduced while I'm in subspace will be perceived as positive, I'm also incapable of anxiety in subspace. Anal was introduced in this way and it was EXTREMELY wise, I think. I didnt experience the anxiety I'd have felt and was relieved of inhibition ;)

This is really interesting - the idea of introducing something uncomfortable but you want to experience by doing it in subspace.

Thanks for mentioning the consent part - always a good reminder, especially in this frame of mind.

Did you experience any weird feelings when you weren't in subspace anymore? Any regret or anxiety?
 
By a coincidence, I'm just writing a BDSM story where our heroines have this sort of discussion.

In the story, they find a big checklist of BDSM activities and read through it together, discussing each item, so a lot of limits get established at that point.

IRL, though my conversations have mostly come at it from the other side - not "what are your limits?" but "this is what I'm interested in, does that work for you?" So we rarely end up talking limits unless we hit an activity where our tastes really differ... which has not been often. I've been pretty fortunate with compatible partners. So in a lot of areas I haven't really needed to define my boundaries.

STI prevention is an exception, partly because that involves things that might happen when one of us isn't present to discuss. If I'm travelling and Attractive Local Person offers me something enjoyable, I really want to know up front whether this is going to be okay with my partner, so I don't have to wake her up at 4 a.m. her time to ask :)

That's the thing - "negotiation" is often times just a conversation about likes, dislikes and how we fit together.

Perhaps it depends on whether it's a 'play' experience with a new person vs a relationship with a friend or trusted partner.
 
My limits have changed over time as I grew and trusted him.

Imagine how your limits will change in another six months, another year.

I didn’t realize before I was actually with him how much I enjoyed pain. Not hard pain, but some sort of pain every time we are together is something I always beg for. I like bruises, marks and bites.

I didn’t realize I may be way more into pee play than i thought- which was, not at all. More into him watching, but who knows? I’m open to it and I never thought I would be.

After my marriage, I never thought I would be into name calling. Cause I was called names, not in a nice way. Being called a bitch is way different than being told to get on all 4’s for him like his little bitch, his slut, his whore, his cunt, his cum dump.

While I do like name calling, I think withholding of affection is extremely cruel.
And don’t call me a Bad Girl. I will cry.

Being objectified. I never thought I would be into that. In fact, I backed off in the beginning because of that. Now I love it.

I love the control aspect. Knife play. Restraints. Something I never thought I’d be into.

This is a good list. :) It's great you know your triggers. And, it's great you have someone who has introduced you to new ideas or get past what you thought was something you'd never do and made it pleasurable. In that kinda painful good way.

I would say hard limits now are no feces. No electricity. No other person. No water or suffocating, although I do enjoy having my throat squeezed and being choke fucked. No disfigurement- this includes cutting my hair or shaving my head or eyebrows.
And if you want to be called Sir or Master or Lord, move along. Not from this mouth.

Who no electrical?

If he told you you had to ask permission to get your hair cut / colored / whatever, would that fly with you?

Soft limits?
Not really, but trepidation.
I’ve never had a ball gag, and I don’t know how I’d feel about that, because I need my mouth.
Orgasm withholding makes me panic. Maybe one day. I hadn’t cum with another person for about 5 years before I met him, so I need my orgasms. Withholding them seems like withholding love. And I can’t have that

That's an interesting equation - withholding love = withholding orgasms.

I'm all about orgasm denial. For me, once I cum, I'm done. I'm ready to go get a pizza and watch Dateline Mystery reruns. I like having that not quite but almost cummy, edgey, lusty feeling extended over and over.

Oh wait - this is a thread about limits. Not about my likes. LOL.

I’d rather be hurt physically.

Emotional hurt is a tricky thing.
 
Painfully obvious to some of us, I expect. Not so with everyone. Some people don't even know what to say, what are the limits for such a conversation.

This is an important point. For sure when you're new to all of this. I remember thinking "why do I have to tell you what I want, just do stuff and I'll tell you if I like it." It was hard when I didn't have much experience.
 
Last question: current hard limits: animals, blood, poop, humiliation, degradation, pain, teasing, tickling, forced orgasms or orgasm denial, being deprived of approval and affection, being ignored, abandoned, or given away.

More answers later. :)


The whole being ignored as a way to control seems too cruel. I never thought about abandoned as a limit.

Looking forward to more answers, later!!
 
Funny you should mention that! I've been kicking around the idea of starting a thread called "In Praise of Doormats". I agree it gets a bad rap, and I think very often unfairly so. I know a lot of people in the local scene who embrace being a doormat and lead happy lives because of it.

In Praise of Doormats! :nana:

Yes!!
 
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