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Letters

amelia

amelia

a boombox is not a toy.
Joined
Mar 9, 2002
Posts
8,766
i had a lot of fun writing letters back and forth with nora tonight. letter writing is a lost art. consider this your thread to write letters to the people of lit or just to vent about something that happened in your day to day life.

Dear Sir or Madame of the fast food drive-thru:

no, i do not want fries with that. if i want fries with that, i will be sure to order them. also, don't rush me through my order. i'm paying for my hamburger and pop, give me a second to decide what i want.

sincerely,

amelia
 
i hate writing letters :) but good thread idea i might give it a try later
 
To whom it may concern,

I recently purchased some hair dye from your company, branded as 'Night Fire Red'. When I applied this to my poodle, he came out in a colour similar to 'Titilating Pink'. I even applied the initial lighteners and left it for the correct amount of time. What is worse is, that the new pink colour of his coat clashes with the family tartan doggy-coat that he wears. I mean, what do you think this is, the ninteen-eighties? I would appricate much compensation for this act of negligence

Yours sincerely,
Starblayde
 
Dear Mr. Movie Director,

I am a long time movie-goer, and I enjoy many of them. However, I would appreciate if you and your fellow movie-makers would do one favor for me. Could you please stop casting Keanu Reeves in movies that ask him to be something other than Bill or Ted? His acting skills are minimal and it makes me puke to watch him on screen.

Thank You,
Emoodie
 
Dear Mr. Madden:

Yes, you once were a great coach. And many people enjoy your innane chatter. But i for one do not. Would you please shut up. Or maybe you could do play by play for preschoolers. They could possibly benefit from your style of commentary.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.

Loving football and not you,

Amelia
 
Dearest Amelia,


In light of recent events, it has been brought to the forefront of my mind that you are among the kindest posters here at lit. While this makes you adorable, and well liked, I was wondering if you could spread a lil amelia fire around the boards. It's just another facet of your riveting personality that I would love to see.

Your admirer,

Emoodie
 
Sweet Lovely Lola:

I would spread amelia fire around the boards, but i've had this chip implanted in my brain which does not allow malice on my part. I'm glad you decided to use the picture of us kissing as your avatar. Seeing it reminds me of that afternoon and how delicious those kisses were.

Thank you for singing show tunes with me,
amelia
 
Dear Hanns:

if you would like to submit a list of avatars that would meet your approval, i would be happy to consider putting them up.

always appreciative of helpful criticism,
amelia
 
Sweet, sensuous Amelia,

My love and adoration for you is so great that I had to broadcast our love to the world. Unfortunately, I have found that these actions have inspired more admirers to your side. I have bought a nice beating stick for keeping the wolves at bay, but I only have one arm.

The show tunes, my darling, are just the way I express my enduring love and adoration. No song says I Love You better than "I'm Jest a Girl Who Cain't Say No."

Always,

Lola
 
amelia said:
Dear Mr. Madden:

Yes, you once were a great coach. And many people enjoy your innane chatter. But i for one do not. Would you please shut up. Or maybe you could do play by play for preschoolers. They could possibly benefit from your style of commentary.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.

Loving football and not you,

Amelia
Click to expand...

Dear Miss Amelia,

Although you admit that Mr. Madden was "once a great coach", I for one do not appreciate your rude, condescending tone toward him. He is a man of great renown, as well as great proportions.

Aside from winning a Super Bowl and having one of the highest winning percentages of any NFL coach, Mr. Madden is also single-handedly responsible for rescusitating a flagging bus travel industry in this country, making Turducken a household Thanksgiving treat, and bringing respectability to the telestrator.

I would appreciate it if, in the future, you would amend your tone to show the man the respect he really deserves.

Wishing you a life of smelling Madden ass-crack,

PC
 
Dear PC:

As a Raiders fan, i appreciate Madden in a way that most people do not. But if i hear him say, "the way to win this game is to score more points" one more time, i may just have to rip the legs off that turduken and beat him with them.

I'm a peace loving girl so it alarms me to have these feelings. My intent was not to offend you in any way. Thank you for reminding me that even Mr. Madden has many admirers.

Sincerely,
Amelia

ps. how did you know i enjoy smelling ass crack?
 
dear god

thank you for inventing teabagging it is one of my favorite pasttimes i can think of no better way to spend an evening than by placing my sweaty balls on the forehead/face of a drunk passed out compatriot recentley i have discovered teabagging my friends food and or beverages many a chum has has quite a shocked look on his/her face to return from the restroom and find their coffee takes like my nuts god thank you for inventing the camera for with it i can visually document rubbing my genitals on other people in conclusion thank you for teabagging
 
Dear Jock:

During our regularly scheduled communication, God asked me to let you know that he's glad you are having such a great time rubbing your balls on your friends food. He also wanted me to warn you and remind you to avoid the hot melted cheese, as that would not be pleasant.

from God to you..through me,
Amelia
 
Dear Hot and Icy,

You should go back to the drawing board to redesign your product dispenser shape.

Was it some kind of a joke making a dispenser for muscle ache relief look like deodorant???

How it got in my bathroom vanity, I'll never guess. But let me tell you, I for one can validate the HOT!!!! after icy sensations. After a fresh shave, I did my best imitation of a gooney bird coming in for a landing!

There should at least have been a warning label in bold letters, "THIS IS NOT DEODORANT" for half-asleep, freshly-shaved bedheads.

Flappingly,
Cherry
 
Dear Mizz Amelia,
Your Avs are quite fine.

Dear Mizz Eumie,
That's your best Av yet. Appreciative applause from the clay dog to your left.

(And, on topic, a really nice story about Madden. I tend to watch my football on mute with the stereo going, but my respect for Madden went up after reading this, especially the way he responded to Daryll Stingley's paralysis:
http://espn.go.com/page2/s/toomay/021111.html )
 
Dear Miss Amelia,

As a lifelong Raiders fan myself, I must say that knowing you are also a lifelong Raiders fan makes me more than just a little moist in my nether regions. These moist and somewhat turgid feelings cause me to have warm spot in my heart for you, and so I will temper my comments here in the hopes that someday you may let me finger you under a blanket at Oakland-Alameda Coliseum during the third quarter of a Raiders-Chiefs game.

I appreciate the fact that Mr. Madden sometimes utters inane commentary, and that he is the Captain Obvious of NFL colormen. Still, you have to acknowledge the humor and human-ness he brings to an often brutal and physically viscious game of domination and ground acquisition.

In closing, I would like to say that I don't really think hitting Coach Madden with a Turducken leg would even phase him, except maybe to make him salivate a little. Perhaps if you ripped off one of Pat Summerall's legs and smote him with it's bloody stump, you might have a greater intended effect.

Gladitorially yours,

PC

P.S. As for the ass-crack thing, you just seem like that kind of a fun-loving girl.
 
Dear Mr. Grommit,

May it be duly noted that your kind words about my Avatar is greatly appreciated. Yours, too, has kept me up on a dark and lonely night, thinking of the soft, welcoming warmth within.

One request, however. Could you refrain from tickling me in my dreams? These ticklefests make me awake with the need to tinkle, and I do so enjoy my hours of sleep.

Thank You,
Emoodium
 
Eumenides said:
Dear Mr. Grommit,

May it be duly noted that your kind words about my Avatar is greatly appreciated. Yours, too, has kept me up on a dark and lonely night, thinking of the soft, welcoming warmth within.

One request, however. Could you refrain from tickling me in my dreams? These ticklefests make me awake with the need to tinkle, and I do so enjoy my hours of sleep.

Thank You,
Emoodium
Click to expand...

Dear Mizz Emoo,
There's only one 'm' in 'Gromit'...and in the spirit of encouraging good spelling, I declare your most ticklish spots (backs of the knees? ribs?) fair game.

Warmest regards,
Wallace's perro muy inteligente
 
Dear PC:

Since we are both Raider fans, you know how much hate lives inside of me for the Chiefs. If you feel that fingering me under a blanket while sitting in the "black hole" would alleviate some or my tension and perhaps help our team, i'm all for that.

On a side note, since Madden has brought us together in the spirit of Raider friendship and mutual masturbation i will now look upon him with a warm feeling in my heart. (and quivering, moist feeling between my thighs)

Just Win, Baby!


Looking for the good blanket and crotchless panties,
Amelia

ps: as for "smoting", "smoting" is bad for your health.
 
Last edited:
WaxNWane said:
Dear Mizz Emoo,
There's only one 'm' in 'Gromit'...and in the spirit of encouraging good spelling, I declare your most ticklish spots (backs of the knees? ribs?) fair game.

Warmest regards,
Wallace's perro muy inteligente
Click to expand...

Dear Very Smart Dog of Wallace,

I do apologize for any angst my inadvertent spelling faux pas has caused. I do request, however, a different penalty than tickling as golden showers are not my sexual style. I think spankings or teasings would be much more beneficial for both of us.

Crossing my legs,
Emood
 
Minkey Boodle said:
Q
Click to expand...

PV Hater,

That's a tough letter, there. Most of the time it has to be paired with a U.

Eat more beets.

Lots of plastica,

Ramenita
 
Ramenita,

PV was a tired, old, bitter hag of a woman, and she wasn't very nice to me.

U.

Plastic rules!

-The Boodle
 
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