Let's Talk About 'Gentle' FemDom

The need to be special:
In the scene, people dispute the need for the term Gentle Femdom – are we just splitting hairs? – especially since we already have Sensualist, Mommy Domme, Domina, Femdom, Domme, etc that all can posses the idea of a more gentle style of domination. People who describe themselves as a Gentle Femdom obviously feel the need to stand out from the crowd, to be distinguish. They reject individualism within a concept and want to be defined more acutely. This could be to attract a certain type of submissive, to reject the stereotypes developed largely by the porn industry and media, or they want to be seen as unique by forming a sub-category for their uniqueness.

But the question is, why do certain women feel the need to separate their dominance from all other dominant females? When you divide something you make it weaker. For example, females dividing up Feminism into subcategories – liberal, radical, socialist, cultural, eco, etc – to the point where they have no common ground and are often at odds with each other. Do we really want this by subdividing Femdom?

What if between the actual hardcore Femdom implemented in people's mind through porn and your utopian individualist freedom-fueled Stirnerian femdom, the term Gentle Femdom was pertinent to shift from one to another? We can need a term reflecting more horizonality than the overall one to make progress.

What all feminist schools have in common is the wish to make women's rights progress, some want neoliberal governments to vote pro-fem laws, others want to smash the state for it, but they all want it.

But to push the metaphor, the LGBT community has a tons of incredible terms for genders, litteraly hundreds or almost; it derives from postmodern theories which I tend to be totally opposed to ("I am me, fuck you" that's my gender!) but I understand their need to use it, that's protection against hate and normatism. Gfd can be seen as "protection" (not as litteraly as lgbt+ people) against normatism (and some kind of danger by copying the industry for us more politized people, we see dangerous and unhealthy trends when authority isn't questionned anymore for economic reasons... note that I'm targeting the industry, being a total slave with no rights can be safe with enough layers of consent and contracts).

For females, it's probably the same, if the industry pushes subs to be rightless worthless wordless pieces of shit, it encourages dommes to interact with such subs and create them, so some probably need to defend their right to play or provide a kinder domination.
I see that as a good trend if they are more and more into that. I still believe what I said, for guys, it appeals primarity to those with an absolute mental neccessity to defend their rights to be handled gently, or fierce opponents of authority (let's essencialize:anarchists and those who don't know how to ask a girl). I'm totally honest being of that kind, but if women get into it, it might be a virtuous circle for the whole community, a new uprising of liberty to practice as you want what you want, closer to your ideal. For us introvert subs "determined" to be into that, well, it's hard to speak further that where you feel safe, many lack self-esteem and few will "half-out" themselves as I chose to do.
But despite that, that's still mostly us that made the term get known, more than all the rest: never heard of sensualist and I heard of mommy dom after discovering gfd personally (while it has "mommy" in and BDSM test says we are boys/girls: normatism at its finest: "the adult life is tough son; cuddles, free time and videogames are an insult to your hairy balls and your prestige job!"). And I don't think it could bring anything bad the more people will dive in, and the more women defend it too!
 
For me, "Gentle" refers to the emotional interaction rather than the physical. I believe the practice of Domination & submission is largely an emotional exchange between two people that requires a deep mutual understanding to be a success for both parties; it has taken me many years to understand this. I'm now early 50s and always preferred to be calling the shots in the bedroom, but over the last decade or so, as my self-confidence has grown, I have been much more open to ceding control and have enjoyed it immensely. I have no desire to be emotionally dependent upon someone, and thus inner confidence is necessary in order to offer submission without feeling that it will change the every-day dynamic that you have together. This may differ in a 24/7 relationship, but the thread is dealing with GFD which I understand to be different to a female-led relationship that others may practice. In fact, while this thread concerns gentle FemDom I'm not sure this is so different the other way around, is it?

What's good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander, so it would be difficult to delineate gentleness from one person to the next. I have a high tolerance and am happy to accept pain that others may find unbearable, but this can be delivered in a temperate way. Like others on this thread, I am not excited by humiliation or degradation, nor would I respond to being shouted at or coerced in any way - that is not gentle behaviour in my book. And while it is difficult to define GFD given it will depend entirely on the individuals concerned, I would venture that if each of you has the needs and desires of the other in the forefront of your mind, then the interaction could be described as gentle. As soon as one party attempts to demand behaviour of the other rather than accepting the submission offered, the risk of brutality is increased and we enter the realms of FemDom that is so often portrayed in porn. This emotional aspect is what is missing from all visual BDSM porn – it is too difficult to portray the deep feelings associated with the genre; of course the written word is more flexible.

I do not like to be defined by my actions of any one moment in time because I believe we all have the capacity to enjoy many different behavioural patterns depending on mood or other environmental factors. 'Alpha' or 'Beta' male, 'Dom', 'sub', 'switch' are all labels designed to put people in boxes in order that we can define expected behaviour - quite a lazy approach considering we are all different. [NB I am always reminded of the Monty Python sketch when I hear "we are all different" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVygqjyS4CA].

Wild Honey, you ask why it is appealing, and like many, I'm not sure I know the answer, this may be because we are seeking a logical answer to a question concerning emotions. I know it wasn't appealing for a long time, and now it is, work that one out! I suspect that the answer lies in our emotional responses which change as we grow older and wiser. These are the things I look forward to when preparing for submission:

The anticipation and preparation
Giving up control
Satisfaction of performing tasks ostensibly for the pleasure of your lover
Being penetrated (as a man this is so much more than physical, although there is of course a pleasurable physical side)
Challenging my limits
The sounds of a cane whistling through the air and the smack as it bites in to my flesh.
The feeling of inner contentment afterwards
The floaty endorphin-fuelled high during and after
The deep bond created by laying myself bare and trusting someone else completely
The pleasure of wearing the bruises for many days afterwards

These are mainly emotional responses, although that's not to take away the physical thrill of stimulation or strength of orgasm(s) achieved, but they are enhanced by the domination / submission aspects.

Finally, because the emotion is tantamount to the experience, I don't feel there is a specific look for a gentle Domme. Like most men I enjoy the female form (so much more aesthetic than even the most handsome of male manifestations), so I appreciate efforts made on my behalf. This may be because it is exciting to see evidence that she has been anticipating the encounter as much as me and has gone to much effort to prepare herself for my pleasure. To a certain extent though, if you are bending over getting your arse whacked, it may not make much difference whether she is wearing gorgeous lingerie or a panda onesie :)
 
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Hello Miss Honey, I am a 41 year old man who works as a fairly senior supervisor. I am always on at work, in charge, making thing happen, very directive. When I get home I don't want to be in charge, when I go to bed I don't want to be in charge. I like the gentle female domination because while I don't want to be in charge I don't want to be humiliated or degraded like I often see in femdom. I like to surrender to my wife, I cook, I clean, I bring her coffee and breakfast in bed, rub her feet, let her peg me, etc...but I am still respected and loved.
 
Very cool thread!

I find this discussion very interesting, and a bit of a refreshing break from many stereotypes. To answer some of the original questions, I personally find it extremely arousing (sexually, and non sexually) to be with women who are sexually confident. One of the main things I find exciting about being dominated by a woman, on any level, is the opportunity to experience a woman fully living out her sexual interests and desires, and to explore her curiosities and creativity.

In other words, although I have personal preferences in terms of specific activities, and the general “tone” of our play; the biggest turn on of all for me is simply seeing where her mind (and her lust) may take us. Within limits, of course. Those limits are also highly variable, depending on the woman, of course.
 
I didn't plan this to be my first post on lit. I am only half through the posts I wanted to read before I explain my situation. But...
I am a dominant woman in forties and my husband is submissive. We are playing on and off with bdsm for 7-8 years.

I think it can't be overstated how partner-dependent any dynamic can be. Not only whether a person desires to dominate or submit with another, but also how that looks for each couple. So many variables, so many options. :) Ain't life grand?
Definitely.

Have you participated in a dynamic that was gay/lesbian, bi, or hetero? - hetero
Monogamous or poly? - monogamous (if you don't count some play with hotwife/cuckold)
Bedroom or lifestyle? - mostly bedroom, sometimes lifestyle
Pain? - yes, he loves it (me too)
Humiliation? - no
Bondage? - yes
Discipline? - sometimes
Toys such as strap-ons or cock cages? - yes, various
Chastity? - yes
Orgasm control or denial? - yes
CFnm? - no

We tried also other things, some connected to bdsm, some not. The "sometimes" part is why I am here.

We have some issues, because we tried everything by ourselves. I have not read the books he gave me about domination. I now started to read forums and blogs and it seems to me that D/s relationship (real relationship) is gentle by definition, because it should make more intimacy and connection.
 
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My femdom is so gentle she does me in her pyjamas. Iam 50 my wife 45. Why PJ’s she has an illness and it is easier. Today we had a 30 minute session and it was the best one ever. Totally fulfilled with the feelings and emotions it brings. 30 years ago I visited pro Domme’s all the stereotypical leather and corsets and yes it was nice but they did it as a job and that was good for all of us submissives. When we got together 12 years ago we were totally honest with each other of what we liked and had done. She has always been kind of dominant but I also know she has a mean streak if she wanted to use it. I just love bondage and being spanked but out came the crop paddle and small multi tailed whip my whole body was her canvas with all the impliments nipple clamps which I love and a pin wheel which I hate but it felt so good. All was done with love knowing we could stop at any time so hours after she asked a question how dose it feel with someone you know against a Domme that you dont. People you dont know are more mysterious I said. As I had a blindfold on I could not see her smiling at my reactions.
 
Well, holy man! Where have I been?? All these awesome posts!

HotXBuns - your whole post was such a good take on the process of discovery. How you got to where you are. Thanks for sharing! I had to quote this, because it creates such a lovely image:

<snip> These are the things I look forward to when preparing for submission:

The anticipation and preparation
Giving up control
Satisfaction of performing tasks ostensibly for the pleasure of your lover
Being penetrated (as a man this is so much more than physical, although there is of course a pleasurable physical side)
Challenging my limits
The sounds of a cane whistling through the air and the smack as it bites in to my flesh.
The feeling of inner contentment afterwards
The floaty endorphin-fuelled high during and after
The deep bond created by laying myself bare and trusting someone else completely
The pleasure of wearing the bruises for many days afterwards

HxB

HardOldMan848 - what a lovely relationship you have with your wife. You are both very fortunate!!

Hello Miss Honey, I am a 41 year old man who works as a fairly senior supervisor. I am always on at work, in charge, making thing happen, very directive. When I get home I don't want to be in charge, when I go to bed I don't want to be in charge. I like the gentle female domination because while I don't want to be in charge I don't want to be humiliated or degraded like I often see in femdom. I like to surrender to my wife, I cook, I clean, I bring her coffee and breakfast in bed, rub her feet, let her peg me, etc...but I am still respected and loved.

naughtymind -- I snipped your post just a bit to fit my point - It's interesting to me that so many "submissive" men are really just interested in equal opportunity exploration. Having a sexually adventuresome woman and enjoying her desires.

... One of the main things I find exciting about being dominated by a woman, on any level, is the opportunity to experience a woman fully living out her sexual interests and desires, and to explore her curiosities and creativity.

In other words, although I have personal preferences in terms of specific activities, and the general “tone” of our play; the biggest turn on of all for me is simply seeing where her mind (and her lust) may take us. Within limits, of course. Those limits are also highly variable, depending on the woman, of course.

cathy4 - welcome to lit!! It's so fun for me to read about real relationships and how they evolve.

I didn't plan this to be my first post on lit. I am only half through the posts I wanted to read before I explain my situation. But...
I am a dominant woman in forties and my husband is submissive. We are playing on and off with bdsm for 7-8 years.

<snip>

We have some issues, because we tried everything by ourselves. I have not read the books he gave me about domination. I now started to read forums and blogs and it seems to me that D/s relationship (real relationship) is gentle by definition, because it should make more intimacy and connection.

Charlie1092 - thanks for sharing your relationship. It sounds so open and connected!

My femdom is so gentle she does me in her pyjamas. Iam 50 my wife 45. Why PJ’s she has an illness and it is easier. Today we had a 30 minute session and it was the best one ever. Totally fulfilled with the feelings and emotions it brings. <snip> When we got together 12 years ago we were totally honest with each other of what we liked and had done. <snip>
 
At 65, I came into the BDSM lifestyle late in life. There's not much opportunity to explore your kinky side when you're in the Army and living in barracks for over 21 years. And when I got out, I had health issues that curtailed the kind of sexual adventures I would have liked to try. But I've dabbled in BDSM, at first viewing myself as a dom, since I'd been in charge much of my military life. But the more I explored the BDSM lifestyle, the more I tended to lean towards the submissive side when it came to women. It might have been the way I was brought up to treat women. It might have been because most the units I was in charge of in the Army had a strong female presence. And some of those female soldiers had a knack for wrapping me around their fingers. Maybe there were latent submissive tendencies showing back when I was in uniform? :eek:

**How do you see 'Gentle' FemDom being different from the more traditional type of feminine domination?
It's less about playing a role and more about simply taking charge in a relationship. As such, while I like leather and latex, such outfits are looked upon as part of the femdom role, but not a necessary part of GFD. Likewise, the stilettos and whip are all part of a role, but not necessary to the GFD.

Then there's the behavior. On the one hand, you have the strict arrogant domme who verbally and physically abuses her man, while on the other hand, you have the smothering domme who wants to feminize her man or play his mother. Neither role appeals to me. Too much of it is theater, based on what people have seen in movies or on TV. I'm not looking to be demeaned or turned into a woman.

I want a woman who wants to take charge and who I want to serve. Anything else is bullshit.

**Why is it appealing?
Because it's more genuine than the alternative forms of femdom.

**What does a 'gentle' Domme look like to you? How does she behave?
To me, there's no such thing as a specific look. How she behaves is more important. If she's confident and self assured and caring, her appearance will reflect that.

**What do you look for in a GFD relationship? What do you hope to get out of it?
I'm not sure how to answer that question, since I haven't found anyone yet. But I would hope to find a strong, beautiful, self assured woman who loves me for what I am, but likes to be in control. A woman who sees me as a man she controls, not a floormat she walks all over.

**How do you see it fitting into your life - bedroom only, or lifestyle?
If the opportunity presents itself, I would want it to be a lifestyle choice.

Yes!... This right here, is to me the holy grail of a D/s relationship, it hits all my buttons!

I also to have come to D/s late in life, and get discouraged about finding someone to share all I have to give.

But it's good to have a name to my feelings, and accept this is how I want to relate to a person in a relationship.
 
What a great thread. I've been reading and reading and I've shared this with one who is sprying out many of the feelings and questions she is going through.

Pray, continue.
 
The success of this thread seems proof enough that intentionally carving out a niche for those who identify with this particular approach has been useful and constructive, making femdom in all of its varieties more accessible to those who may never have given it a chance otherwise.

How many who have joined us here would be reluctant to post in the more mainstream femdom threads? I wanted more than lurkers, I wanted men and women to come out of the shadows and engage in meaningful conversation. I wanted to create a welcoming place where people could read and question and share and perhaps even dip in their toe and discover that HEY WOW! MAYBE I DO LIKE FEMDOM!

The proof is in the pudding.

Just come across this post and thought i would throw my 10 penn'orth into the ring - on the understanding that I have never (yet) experienced femdom of any flavour. One of my fantasies is t be pegged, but I have no interest in the sort of "banging away" pegging that is often portrayed in femdom videos. I want something much more gentle - for me the "domination" would come from that intangible transfer of power from being (if you will excuse the language) the fucker to the fuckee. Not sure of how else to explain it. Thoughts/comments? Anyone want more then please PM me. Sam
 
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I found this little gold nugget tucked away, and wanted to share it with you all. I liked it so much, I'm going to read it again - it's definitely going on my list of favorites.

https://www.literotica.com/s/femdom-at-work

If you read it, please rate it and leave a comment. Feedback really means a lot to authors, even if it's constructive criticism.
 
Yes!... This right here, is to me the holy grail of a D/s relationship, it hits all my buttons!

I also to have come to D/s late in life, and get discouraged about finding someone to share all I have to give.

But it's good to have a name to my feelings, and accept this is how I want to relate to a person in a relationship.

This is very well spoken. I am trying to enter this world. Not completely unknowing but do need to learn. This is really helpful.
 
I enjoy the idea of femdom; as others have also said and speculated, I'm not sure what gentle femdom really entails but perhaps it is something to do with not having to play the fetish game which might involve "props" as it were and dressing up. I'll read along.
 
A gentle reminder to no-one in particular:rose:

GFD (as with Femdom or Maledom or... ) entails whatever you and your partner decide together, based on your preferences and common interests. Props, no props. Costumes, no costumes. It's up to you! You get to choose!

So what would you choose? :)
 
A gentle reminder to no-one in particular:rose:

GFD (as with Femdom or Maledom or... ) entails whatever you and your partner decide together, based on your preferences and common interests. Props, no props. Costumes, no costumes. It's up to you! You get to choose!

So what would you choose? :)

Well for me, it's beyond kinky fuckery...Being in a FLR is a need not a want.
I agree that there have to be lots of communication and common interests, I have no desire to control every aspect of a persons life, I want someone who is confident and accomplished.
A person who has a need to turn over control when the bedroom door closes knowing that they will be fulfilled in service to a Domme.
I could go on and on....:cattail:
 
This is a really interesting thread.

I've mostly been in quite vanilla sexual relationships, but I have had dominant tendencies and there have been times where I have been able to enjoyably explore those. Those tendencies remain.

However...

More and more I feel the need to be dominated. Gently but firmly.

I work in quite a pressured environment where a lot of people look to me for guidance and for decisions to be made (urgh, that sounds so big-headed, sorry!) and in the last year I have gone through some serious personal trauma.

Those are definitely factors in my desire to be dominated. Not constant domination, there are times where I want the playing field to be level and times where I want to be very much in control.

Note, all of this only extends to the bedroom.

Not sure what else to add...having read it back it sounds like a personal ad, which it isn't!
 
This is a really interesting thread.

I've mostly been in quite vanilla sexual relationships, but I have had dominant tendencies and there have been times where I have been able to enjoyably explore those. Those tendencies remain.

However...

More and more I feel the need to be dominated. Gently but firmly.

I work in quite a pressured environment where a lot of people look to me for guidance and for decisions to be made (urgh, that sounds so big-headed, sorry!) and in the last year I have gone through some serious personal trauma.

Those are definitely factors in my desire to be dominated. Not constant domination, there are times where I want the playing field to be level and times where I want to be very much in control.

Note, all of this only extends to the bedroom.

Not sure what else to add...having read it back it sounds like a personal ad, which it isn't!

Hi! 🙋

I love this thread :D

Hi Liz! :)
 
I'd love to have a very casual, chatty femdom thread, but I'm not sure it would fly. Like a femdom blurt thread, maybe?

What do you guys think?
 
I'd love to have a very casual, chatty femdom thread, but I'm not sure it would fly. Like a femdom blurt thread, maybe?

What do you guys think?

I think it's a great idea Honey!

You should see some of the PM's I have to write when my avatar or profile pic is a pic of my feet! The dirty filthy naughty pervs on here need to be put in their place and publically (rather than privately) humiliated I say! ;) :)

Let's try to give it a start! I'm so mad at my husband right now. Last night he forgot to put the trash and the recycling out and now the trashmen have already come so we're going to have a garage of stinky garbage for the next week.

Tonight when he gets home I'm either going to:
a) rub my sweaty, stinky feet in his face and make him suck my toes until I forgive him
b) tie him up and humiliate him for being so useless
c) edge him half a dozen times until he almost cums and then tell him I'm going to do that to him every night for the next week so that he has the worst case of blue balls by next Monday he'll barely be able to walk!

Which option would you pick guys? :D
 
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