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So My Wife Cheated. Guess Nice Guys Do loose.

There is the smell of bullshit in the air in the "Relationship" but I am not sure from which direction, if not both, it is coming from.
 
StrayKat said:
Stop hijacking a serious thread!

And no I am not making a thread about it ;)
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Sorry! This thread just made me feel really sad at first, then confused due the inconsistencies people are pointing out, and then i got distracted...I'm blaming you!
 
Assuming this story is real (sounds phony to me) and assuming that your wife can be faithful going forward (she may be sincerely regret her actions and she may have an earnest intent to be faithful, but that libido is going to follow her everywhere and continue to tempt her at every opportunity) - before patching everything up, you should have at least negotiated some kind of compensation and settlement deal. For her 30 blowjobs, you should have gotten at least 30 hall passes, and throw in another 10 threesomes with her friend.

You may be good at chaos and business manager, but, you are a very poor negotiator, my friend.
 
niceguyswin said:
Love is not a negotiation its a commitment
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A person may well commit to love but that does not ensure reciprocation or a desire from another that it is even wanted.

For there to be reciprocation there has to be a relationship, and that takes negotiation.
 
niceguyswin said:
I also allowed her on lit to seek friends and entertainment for me not being home so I am kinda to blame.
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Hope you allow some food from time to time, perhaps the occasional bowl of water as well.

niceguyswin said:
she regularly jumped me at the door and had me bare in minutes. Thinking back that should have been a big red flag.
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Red flag? Red flag for whom?

niceguyswin said:
Being nieve has never really been a problem for me
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priceless


niceguyswin said:
I guess it may be a refex. that said she knows when I put my foot down it means business and if I make up my mind its done.
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Not a good day for business, must be that "nieve" thing

niceguyswin said:
She is not uncaring, harsh or selfish either. She is very kind, caring, giving and very attentive and an amazing wife.
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Apparently not selfish at all and likes giving

niceguyswin said:
I really use to be attractive
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Sure about that?

niceguyswin said:
but I get offers from women who have husbands like you all the time in my line of work.
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Must be quite a catch...
 
niceguyswin said:
Jack

Seriously would you have actually negotiated that.
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Well, sure. And women understand that. Most infidelity committed by women is due to revenge for their spouses infidelity. You said it yourself that she thought you were having affairs. Moreover, she wanted you to sleep with her friend to reduce her guilt.

Paying a "price" for her infidelity seems fair for both of you. She would feel that she has compensated for her infidelity and you will... well, get to fuck 30 women of your choice and have threesomes with her friends.

Put it this way, you would be doing her a favor, because she would feel less guilty after you got to have your fun. You might even become more sexually attractive to her, you seem kind of wimpy and sentimental right now. Plus, being with other women would give you validation - i.e., that you are attractive to other women, and this will make you more attractive to your own spouse. It is a basic principal of marketing that people are more attracted to what other people find attractive.

Jeez, what is wrong with you? Its a fair settlement. You must really have a low libido to not jump on that opportunity.

Personally, I think monogamy is a selfish and possessive practice. Many open-minded couples today are romantically and emotionally committed to each other, but, allow each other flexibility to pursue sexual fantasies. Ten years of exclusivity should be enough. How excited can either person be about fucking for the 10,001 time? I don't care how kinky a monogamous couple is, they will run out of ideas and eventually lose interest in sex altogether. If sex is supposed to be an enriching, exciting and thrilling part of life, the myth of monogamy needs to be reevaluated.

In my own case, we've been monogamous and exclusive for over 15 years and our commitment and love is stronger than ever. We've proven to each other unwavering commitment and loyalty, as neither of us has strayed. But, after the loyalty has been proven unquestionably and our bond is cemented through our mutual support and journey together, I feel it is time to grow and ascend to a higher level; to come out of the cocoon and enter a new phase of love and commitment. This is a deeper commitment that is free from physical insecurities and possessiveness. It is truly liberating and richly rewarding; like losing your virginity and beginning to experience with sex all over again. The spouses support each other to fulfill their ultimate sexual fantasies rather then blocking every opportunity to achieve it.
 
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Fix?

niceguyswin said:
I know I cant fix this over night. We have been talking for days now.

I am not a volatile person, or violent, or angry, Believe it or not I actually didn't even yell at her. Until this incident we had never even had a fight.

I am actually very close to a certified therapist in what I use to study and know how crazy hard this is going to be to fix. That said I also know that if she is balling historically and hyper stressed nothing will get through and it raises the chances of a miscarriage on a child I still believe is mine. Given the recent events though you can understand my doubt.

We have already agreed we are messed up and really need counselling and are arranging to do so if we can find and affordable option with the very limited funds we have as the business is struggling and now with me being there less is potential to have more problems.

The relationship has never been one sided, She is a loving, caring, amazing, smart, talented, and easy to talk to wife. She has been honest and has even shown me stuff i did not find to try to prove she is being truthful.

I think I really messed up my role as a husband and although the love and attention was there while I was there I was not there enough. I couldnt as a good husband just let her keep crying and have always comforted her in her times of need and been there. I need this to work though.

I have already made the decision to move forward and so has she after a day away at her parents and her blowing up on them for telling her to leave me. Funny thing is they have always hated me, always from day one. Once she had to defend me against them she says she realised how stupid she had been.

We fully dont intend to sweep this under the rug, I hope. I needed her back and thats really selfish of me I realise but forgiving her and giving her rings back and not telling anyone accept her parents and a few of my workers who now have to cover my work load may help us so we can work on this together without interferance. I Just have no clue how now.

I have been reading this morning and you seem to be right and there is some great stuff out there and some really stupid stuff and really confusing stuff and some really kinky ideas but I need some help to sort through the crap and find something that is going to help us as I have a feeling its going to be me spear heading the healing not her. She just seems to be sleeping and crying alot and lots of kisses which are really nice.
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I can understand one or two guys. But thirty?

So what's your plan to fix? Fixing is going to take more than a few months and maybe years.

Have you considered counseling?
 
Quote:


Originally Posted by FGB View Post

There is the smell of bullshit in the air in the "Relationship" but I am not sure from which direction, if not both, it is coming from.


_Apocalypse_ said:
You are my hero.
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I just call 'em as I smell 'em.

Here at Lit. time will tell.
 
Your wife sucked 30 dicks in three years? Did someone buy her an oral membership in the Dick of the Month Club? Just out of curiosity, how many dicks would she have to suck before you said "I'm out"? Also, I think there are some key differences between something like playing on Lit and going out and sucking dicks. Namely that playing on Lit involves typing on a keyboard and sucking dicks involves putting dicks that aren't yours in her mouth and sucking on them. I feel like that's a pretty big difference.

Kind of amazing this woman has blown 30 dudes over the last three years and she's not the biggest sucker in this marriage...
 
niceguyswin said:
Its wierd but me and my wife dont have tv in our house we prefer to talk to each other when we can and im home. I love hearing her fantasies and what she has been up to
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This part is cute - "prefer" means could have television yet the desired communication, in this story, does not seem to be going so well. Television - bad, Internet connection - Good :rolleyes:

niceguyswin said:
I love hearing her fantasies and what she has been up to
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and apparently everyone else talking about it as well
 
I still can't help the feeling that there is so much more going on here than meets the eye with these one sided posts.
Truly, I am sorry and I'm not attacking anyone but some of the things you're saying are precisely the same as the things my spouse said to me after I caught HIM tom-catting around on me.
At the very least I get the sense that there was a VERY unbalanced power situation between you two. This acting out may very well have been an effort (conscious or not) to address that.

To be perfectly honest I'm still not entirely sure I even know what it is that she actually DID.
You've said that she "cheated" with 30 men in ways that range "from online kinky play ... to online pictures, online video, skype, dinners, gifts, offers and other things. The worst I know about and that she will admit is oral and I have had a chance to talk to a few guys she heavily confides in personally and grilled them very hard to get alot of this."

You have most of the people here thinking in terms of your wife going from car to car swallowing cock like a $20 whore. Looking at the above quoted statement I find that a difficult image to reconcile.

I do believe that you enjoy them seeing her in that light however. You can honestly say 'but I didn't really say that' and go right on letting everyone think it. If it's true that she reads these posts I'm quite certain that she's being flogged nicely by them. Doubtless she was nearly as stung by seeing you posting in the Personals when you were supposedly hard at those long hours of work you so often mention. Did you ever find any ladies to chat at length with? That must have been time consuming. This while you were telling her you had no time for her??

(Bear in mind what I said earlier. I've played every hand in this game--I've suspected, been wronged, and accused wrongly. I've been wrongly accused, guilty, suspected, and caught. I'm no novice from any perspective. I've seen the blinds and the bluffs. I've even dealt the cards.)

Your posts are passionless and I wonder if your marriage has been as well. If so then I'm not at all surprised that she so easily slipped the bonds of matrimony. In the face of that fact you are setting up a passionless future. You didn't even show any anger, didn't raise your voice when this came out? Now you can't be sure you'll ever be able to touch her?
But you're doing her a favor by letting her stay?
Your tone is that of a person talking about a pet that has messed up the carpet.
You've decided to keep her. Sure she was stupid but a night or so out of the house and she understands that now. Oh you aren't even going to tell anyone, well anyone other than her parents--likely the other overbearing authority figures in her life--and the guys who work for you. I suppose they are pretty much her equal so that makes them OK, after all they're yours too, right? Just like her?
You realize this is going to be hard for you to fix? Here's something you need to know. This is impossible for YOU to fix because it's not JUST your problem. Think of building a bridge from just one side of a chasm. If there isn't someone on the other side working with you it can't be done. If this can be mended it will take both of you as partners to do it. That may take a significant shift in mindset.

My advice to you is to talk to the woman as if she were a person. Find out what it is that she wants when that doesn't depend on what YOU WANT OR NEED.
Don't make a decision for both of you because if you aren't pulling in the same direction you'll pull each other down. If you can't agree on a direction to go together then agree on separate ones.
I'm sure she feels as if she's failed you. Guilt is nothing to build a marriage on. A marriage with no passion is a weak pitiful thing. I know both of those to be true from first hand experience even if it did arrive at my door by a different route and I've borne the consequence of choosing to live that way for far too long because deciding to go now is far easier than deciding to go later. Later it gets harder every single day to take that walk.
If between the two of you there isn't a future you can see, one that you can both be happy working toward and living in then there isn't anything to fix. I'm sorry but it's a fact.
Whether you can see that place together on the horizon or not, she needs counselling of her own and you do too. Your descriptions of her are very close to a description of a woman suffering with depression. Whether that is situational, caused by the pregnancy, or an ongoing problem it needs to be addressed since her condition will probably only make it worse as she gets further along. The Dr doing her prenatal care should be able to get her a referral to someone who will understand her situation.
That all comes before any couples work or at least separate from it. Things like this don't just happen out of the blue because somebody starts having too much time on her hands. That's a fairy tale. This comes from serious problems that can't be solved without serious attention. If they are being solved for the two of you together of for each of you apart they still need that attention.

As for seeking options--if you are members of a church some people are comfortable discussing issues with a pastor. I myself wouldn't go that route but it's a choice many people make.
Your profile indicates that you are in Canada. Since the rules there are very different than they are here I hesitate to comment on how I came to have the therapist I now have. A quick search did reveal THIS LINK to a page devoted to the Canadian mental health care assoc. There seem to be many services offered though how easily they may be accessed is beyond my knowledge. Perhaps one of our Canadian members might be able to offer insight.

Good luck and may God guide you both to clearer paths.
:rose:
 
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30 men, seriously? First I agree with the first response you received, go get tested many things including herpes can be passed on through oral sex.

And thirty men is an unforgivable number(not sure one is forgivable depending on an individuals stance) she is not just cheating she is making a mockery of you.

Giving her her rings back is giving her license to go suck off 30 more guys.

You only "lose" by staying with her. You can "win" by getting that divorce and finding a woman who will love and respect not just you, but the institute of marriage.

You're not losing because you're a nice guy, right now you're losing because you're a sucker. Well 30 guys? Guess she's the sucker:rolleyes: You're just her fool and you have no reason to be.

You deserve better, move on.
 
Wondering if I should "throw some light" on this thread? Well more than I we have...
 
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