Old 04-10-2010, 10:42 PM   #5726
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Hot Meal

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.
"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."
Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"
So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.
After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Warming up your supper!" she replies.
 

Old 04-10-2010, 10:54 PM   #5727
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During the Middle ages, a weary traveler comes upon an inn named 'St. George and the Dragon' and knocks on the door. It's opened by a large, angry woman.

"What do you want?" she bellows.

"I seek lodging for the night, good woman."

"Go away, we have no room and little to eat."

"I'm very tired and I have my own food. May I sleep before the fire then?"

"Are you deaf? I told you we have no room. Off with you."

She slams the door in his face.

He knocks again.

"Now what do you want?"

"May I speak with George?"
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Old 04-11-2010, 08:22 PM   #5728
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Makes sense to me
DG

Directions

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.

"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
 

Old 04-11-2010, 08:24 PM   #5729
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The Hunter

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
 

Old 04-11-2010, 08:49 PM   #5730
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Cool

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS
 

Old 04-12-2010, 08:38 AM   #5731
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Toasts

Here's to health, fitness, and tone
I've drank to health so many times
I've ruined my g**damned own

I once knew a girl who lived on a hill
What she won't do her sister will
So here's to her sister

Here's champagne for our real friends And real pain for our sham friends.

Here's to being single…
Drinking doubles…
And seeing triple!

May misfortune follow you the rest of your life,
But never catch up.

May your blessings always outnumber your calories!
 

Old 04-12-2010, 03:03 PM   #5732
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Letter to Jesse James


You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.

But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named " America's Sweetheart"; just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra's speech during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?

I only have one thing to say to a dispicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:

Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me. Lets do lunch sometime and compare notes.

Tiger Woods
 

Old 04-12-2010, 09:58 PM   #5733
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Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.


One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"Whats the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but Im just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Whats a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"Whats that, Lord?"

"Youll have to let him believe that I made him first."
 

Old 04-13-2010, 07:55 AM   #5734
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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didnt!"
 

Old 04-13-2010, 01:37 PM   #5735
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[IMG]http://4.bp.********.com/_LolVzc9kMf4/S17-KT3y6sI/AAAAAAAAAbM/yDccKFhHwPs/s1600/oh**Bcrap.png[/IMG]
 

Old 04-13-2010, 07:33 PM   #5736
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The Lone Ranger Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look toward sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone stole our fucking tent!'
 

Old 04-13-2010, 07:39 PM   #5737
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And one for Stella...



Poor fox....

Last edited by Zeb_Carter : 05-28-2012 at 12:55 AM.
 

Old 04-14-2010, 03:25 AM   #5738
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Okay ladies time to do our patriotic duty....



WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY


Don't forget to mark your calendars.


As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim
male to see any woman other than his wife naked
and if he does, he must commit suicide.


So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern
Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely
naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for
this anti-terrorist effort.



All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn
chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate
their support for the women and to prove that
they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.

Since Islam also does not approve of
alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further
proof of your patriotism.


The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.


God bless America !


P.S.. It is your patriotic duty to inform others. If you don't send this to at least 1 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists.
 

Old 04-14-2010, 10:22 AM   #5739
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Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening - customer service
being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March
for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and
interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died,
but
now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her
being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'


Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0
balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was give n )


After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help....'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'



(Priceless!!)

And you wondered why Citi Bank needed help from the Feds?
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Old 04-14-2010, 09:58 PM   #5740
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Thank God!!!
 

Old 04-14-2010, 10:01 PM   #5741
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post

Thank God!!!
gee whiz, DG... they taught abstinence then in drastic terms, didn't they?
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Next thing you know, people will start thinking you're a Canadian.
~JD 2/01/13
 

Old 04-14-2010, 10:24 PM   #5742
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Quote:
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Thank God!!!
Just confirms Darwin's theory on natural selection. Not a good looker amongst them.
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Old 04-14-2010, 10:25 PM   #5743
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Just confirms Darwin's theory on natural selection. Not a good looker amongst them.
wonder how many were single... and never married?
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"just freaking adorkable."
Ben is a shithead who calls me "potato salad."

"you are wise, crayon- goddess." ~respeito on 11-03-12
Ha. You're turning into a hockey fan. If you're not careful you'll start being polite, too.
Next thing you know, people will start thinking you're a Canadian.
~JD 2/01/13
 

Old 04-14-2010, 10:31 PM   #5744
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The man said: "Lips that touch liquoe shall never touch mine."

His buddy asked: "Your lips?"

"No, my liquor."
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100% smut or stroke, and proud of it.

The Rest of My Smut

Dirty old man.
 

Old 04-14-2010, 10:32 PM   #5745
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Quote:
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wonder how many were single... and never married?
I'd have to be very drunk to begin thinking any were attractive lol, but then, if you were married to one, they might drive you to drink.
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Old 04-14-2010, 10:36 PM   #5746
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Boxlicker101 View Post
The man said: "Lips that touch liquoe shall never touch mine."

His buddy asked: "Your lips?"

"No, my liquor."
oh my... chuckling.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OzDave View Post
I'd have to be very drunk to begin thinking any were attractive lol, but then, if you were married to one, they might drive you to drink.
I guess if you lived in an area where women were scarce...
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"just freaking adorkable."
Ben is a shithead who calls me "potato salad."

"you are wise, crayon- goddess." ~respeito on 11-03-12
Ha. You're turning into a hockey fan. If you're not careful you'll start being polite, too.
Next thing you know, people will start thinking you're a Canadian.
~JD 2/01/13
 

Old 04-14-2010, 11:09 PM   #5747
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Thank God!!!
Reminds me of a joke:

What's the difference between homely and beautiful?

Six beers.
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Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 04-14-2010, 11:23 PM   #5748
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TE999 View Post
Reminds me of a joke:

What's the difference between homely and beautiful?

Six beers.
Similar:

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

Six beers.
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Old 04-14-2010, 11:36 PM   #5749
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OzDave View Post
Similar:

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

Six beers.
Hehehe...


What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

20 years.

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

Six inches.

What's the definition of mixed emotions?

Watching your mother-in-law go over a cliff in your new convertible.
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 04-15-2010, 12:00 AM   #5750
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Thanks everyone for chimming in. Need more of that.

Last edited by DG Hear : 04-15-2010 at 12:02 AM.
 
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