Advice sought - concerned husband of pregnant woman

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How far along is she? There's quite a lot of time in pregnancy when you don't need to "do" anything, you're just waiting for a baby.

In what ways were you "an active part of the pregnancy"?

quote: if my wife werent beginning to get very downtrodden, quiet, private, and depressed

this is kinda normal. get her a massage. Get her a pedicure. Get her hair done. not because she "needs" it, but because she deserves it.

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Honestly, I'd say just pamper her as much as your able. If you know she's not getting out or talking to people much, see if you can't get her and a friend to go out to a spa and lunch, or whatever she enjoys.

I know with my first child the last few months all I felt like was a walking incubator. Everything was about the baby, the pregnancy, and how life was going to change. This may sound strange, but just try to let her know you appreciate her as your wife, a woman, and not just the mom of your expected little one. Do everything you can to give her affirmation that she's what you love, as a person.

She may be different, but I know that by the time I hit 7 months with the first one, I was completely -over- the whole 'You're pregnant!' excitement and just wanted to be treated like a human woman again, and it sounds like this may be part of what's going on with your wife.

Otherwise, she could be loving the attention of pregnancy and wondering what will happen after the baby is born, and starting to get depressed at the thought, in either case, some loving attention paid to your wife, not the mother to be, could help.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, and as I said, it may not apply in your specific case, but those two things were biggies for me, and guilt over feeling them didn't help the depressed mood much.

Good luck with a happy wife, and congrats on the coming bratling

Congratulations on your upcoming arrival!

Depression during pregnancy isn't uncommon, even though it's a subject relatively few talk about. I'd strongly suggest reading up on it (there are probably even some great books on it at your local library - I noticed ours has quite a few) and talking to her doctor about your concerns so s/he can assess the situation and be on the lookout for things like postpartum depression.

Pampering her and encouraging healthy activities are certainly great things to do, but if you believe she's depressed, you probably need to address it with her and her health care professionals. You absolutely can't "shake her out of it," but you CAN support her in getting the help she needs if she is depressed.

SweetErika said:

Congratulations on your upcoming arrival!

Depression during pregnancy isn't uncommon, even though it's a subject relatively few talk about. I'd strongly suggest reading up on it (there are probably even some great books on it at your local library - I noticed ours has quite a few) and talking to her doctor about your concerns so s/he can assess the situation and be on the lookout for things like postpartum depression.

Pampering her and encouraging healthy activities are certainly great things to do, but if you believe she's depressed, you probably need to address it with her and her health care professionals. You absolutely can't "shake her out of it," but you CAN support her in getting the help she needs if she is depressed.

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This was exactly what I would suggest. Being sad & down is common with pregnancy, but it can somehow kick real depression into hyper drive with all the fluctuating hormones. The main thing I would be concerned about is how it might affect her after your baby is born. Post patum depression can be very serious, and it may worsen after the birth.
Congratulations on your wonderful miracle and bless you for being such a good man you are trying to find ways for both of you to get through this well.
Try these: http://www.expectantmothersguide.com/library/pittsburgh/depression_during_pregnancy.htm
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/mh-sm/preg_dep-eng.php

I agree with SE and BBW. Clinical depression can happen during a pregnancy, and not just post-partum. If she is already showing signs of depression, it will most likely only get worse after the birth. The time to take action is now. You need to address this with her, and with her doctor.

Make sure that you communicate to her that you are concerned and you want to help. Pointing to her and saying, "You have a problem; you need to fix it," doesn't help anyone. It sounds like you want to do what you can to help, or you wouldn't be here, asking the question; just make sure you communicate that to her. Recovering from depression, no matter what the trigger, takes time, so be patient.

Does your wife have a mom, sister, or female best friends she has a good relationship with who you could call in to be supportive? Also, has your wife been working continuously? She may need a vacation.

Every woman and every pregnancy is different. If you're looking for an easy and gentle way to bring it to someone's attention, call her doctor (the one attending her for the pregnancy) and let her/him know what your concerns are and that you'll be trying to bring them up at the next appointment.

Then, attend the next appointment. Bring up your concerns.

It's not (or shouldn't be) about your emotional satisfaction and "feeling a part of things." It's that if she's depressed, it will likely only get worse. If she's afraid she won't be good enough or won't be able to cope, parenting classes and support plans should alleviate her anxiety. If she's biochemcially depressed-- everything is fine, she just can't seem to feel happy-- then that's a medical issue.

Either way, the doctor's involvement will be key. Your wife probably doesn't want you telling her what to do, but hopefully she'll be able to accept the doctor's expert opinion as just that-- wisdom from someone who has taken this journey with thousands of women.

The issue was raised with the doctor recently -- who didn't blow it off, per se, but said it's something to keep an eye on. The doc encouraged us to call in if it worsens, but I don't see being able to convince her of that if it does and she opts not to.

So...here's hoping.

I have been pregnant three times and each pregnancy was different so I regrettably can't give you any text-book answer to your question.
Here's what I can tell you; by the third trimester of my first pregnancy I felt like I wasn't a human being anymore. I didn't recognize my own body anymore. Everything had become mishapen and distorted to accomodate my daughters growth and I felt utterly monstrous. Like you, my husband was forever trying to take care of me, telling me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me but it was hard for me to believe. My hormones had gone mad, my body was alien to me, and I had begun to feel as if the only thing I was good for anymore was being the incubator for our daughter. I felt I was beginning to lose my identity, my sense of being as I became less me and more the mother to my child. I began to wonder if things would ever be as I had known them? Would I ever get my body back? Would my husband ever see me as sexual again? I found myself mired down by those thoughts and even as I was happy about the coming of my child I was saddened that a chapter of my life was coming to an end.
Parenthood really does change everything and as the arrival of the baby draws closer that reality may be hitting home for your wife. She amy just need time to process everything that's happening to her, to you, to your lives together. You're a good man to notice the change and to be concerned, but for now my advice would be to keep a watchful eye and wait to see if it becomes something serious. With you and her doctor monitoring things I think she'll come through just fine once your beautiful baby is cuddled in her arms.
Best of Luck to all of you and congratulations!

My wife's in her third tri with our first child. She has her up and down days. There's an amount of high anxiety they have that's natural, we can't really do anything about that. Some things that have worked for me lately:

Don't always approach her as if she's pregnant. It becomes habitually, always talking to her and describing her as a pregnant woman instead of as a woman. They can see through the general statements of affirmation, "Oh, don't say that, I think you're beautiful." You have to be creative.

When she just wants to lay in bed that's cool, but don't let her spend weeks in bed if it's not doctor mandated. I take my wife for drives in the country. Even if they're short drives it's a way to break up the monotony of watching TV at home.

I try to find ways to entertain her. Get out some kiddie board games, get her a season of her favorite cartoon from childhood. It's an easy way to undermine adult anxiety.

When she's pissy don't ask her why she's pissy, don't tell her she shouldn't feel depressed or anything like that. Just deal with it, try and connect with her as her companion, but not as, "You look depressed, I'm gonna solve your depression, I'm gonna get you help."

speak to her doctor...

SweetErika said:

Congratulations on your upcoming arrival!

Depression during pregnancy isn't uncommon, even though it's a subject relatively few talk about. I'd strongly suggest reading up on it (there are probably even some great books on it at your local library - I noticed ours has quite a few) and talking to her doctor about your concerns so s/he can assess the situation and be on the lookout for things like postpartum depression.

Pampering her and encouraging healthy activities are certainly great things to do, but if you believe she's depressed, you probably need to address it with her and her health care professionals. You absolutely can't "shake her out of it," but you CAN support her in getting the help she needs if she is depressed.

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I'm with Erika 100%; you should bring it up with your OBGYN. Pregnancy is such a profound event and the hormones and upcoming life changes can trigger depression and fear. Women believe that they are supposed to relish every moment of pregnancy and motherhood and are reluctant to express any feelings that don't fit that expectation. If your wife is feeling this way she needs to know that this is really a very common experience. Its not all sweetness and sunshine; even after the baby is born.

I have suffered from postpartum depression but I can say, looking back that my depression started in the 3rd trimester during my first pregnancy. I regret that I didn't have it treated because I lost at least half a year of my life to depression and I didn't enjoy my newborn. You just can't get that time back...it is better to risk her anger than to let that slip away.

Best of luck to you both.

Odyssean said:

The issue was raised with the doctor recently -- who didn't blow it off, per se, but said it's something to keep an eye on. The doc encouraged us to call in if it worsens, but I don't see being able to convince her of that if it does and she opts not to.

So...here's hoping.

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Do you feel OK with this advice, or are you still really concerned about your wife's welfare? Is she showing signs of clinical depression?

If you feel like the doc glossed over your concerns to an extent and/or you wife might be clinically depressed, a call is probably warranted. If you're okay with waiting and seeing what happens because you don't think your wife is in danger or getting worse, follow the doc's advice for now. You can always make the call if you think it's becoming more serious.

I've had bouts of depression throughout my life, and while I may have had a mild case at different points in my pregnancy (our son was born last month), I think it probably looked worse than it was to outsiders. Whereas staying home, turning inward, doing little, crying at nothing and sleeping so much more would usually point to depression for me, the reality was that this was just my way of nesting, protecting myself and the baby, and coping with all of the changes. Some women get a burst of energy and are all about preparing, but that didn't happen for me.

So, even if I was depressed, it wasn't anywhere near bad enough for me to feel I needed my doctor's help. I weighed the pros and cons of getting professional treatment carefully, and kept an eye on myself, which turned out to be the right course of action for me.

Definitely talk to the doc about it. Has she had blood work lately? Some simple things like sugar levels and especially thyroid can really mimic the symptoms of depression and can really get loopy during a pregnancy.

Congratulations on your growing family!

A lot of women become depressed in their 3rd trimester, particularly with a first child. Like other women have said, they feel like a fat, ugly walking incubator but it goes deeper than that. Your Mrs has never experienced labour and the fear of the labour combined with spiking hormone levels can take the wind out of any woman's sails. Regardless of how normally the pregnancy has progressed or how much medicine has advanced, childbirth is a potentially life threatening time for both mother and baby. Fears will be swirling around her head of the labour becoming complicated, the pain becoming unbearable, the baby being harmed or malformed in some way, the possibility that she herself could die and leave both of you alone. The trouble with these fears is that while they can grow inside a woman's mind disproportionally, they're not really irrational fears, and so they don't go away.

Has there been a bad experience in her family where a pregnancy ended badly? Does she have undue reason to worry overmuch about this?

Of course, I could be way off base here, but it's common among women carrying their first child.

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