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Which book first?

SalvDali

SalvDali

Really Really Experienced
Joined
Aug 19, 2016
Posts
309
My wife and I have just recently started exploring the world of BDSM. We have no interest in it outside of the bedroom.

So I am trying to decide which book would be best for me/her/us to read first.

Based on suggestions I have seen here I am currently considering SM101, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, and The New Topping Book. I will most likely be reading all 3 but was interested on feedback on if there was on inparticular I should read first.


Thanks in advance for the advice.
 
SalvDali said:
My wife and I have just recently started exploring the world of BDSM. We have no interest in it outside of the bedroom.

So I am trying to decide which book would be best for me/her/us to read first.

Based on suggestions I have seen here I am currently considering SM101, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, and The New Topping Book. I will most likely be reading all 3 but was interested on feedback on if there was on inparticular I should read first.


Thanks in advance for the advice.
Click to expand...

I've never read any, but I've also seen The Loving Dominant recommended.
 
SalvDali said:
My wife and I have just recently started exploring the world of BDSM. We have no interest in it outside of the bedroom.

So I am trying to decide which book would be best for me/her/us to read first.

Based on suggestions I have seen here I am currently considering SM101, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, and The New Topping Book. I will most likely be reading all 3 but was interested on feedback on if there was on inparticular I should read first.


Thanks in advance for the advice.
Click to expand...

Depends what you're after. Those books (and also The Loving Dominant) all cover roughly the same topics, but with different emphasis.

Jay Wiseman's SM101 focuses on the technique and physical safety side of things; he's an EMT by profession and it shows through in his writing. If you want a book on "how to not accidentally injure your partner", this is a good choice. I've seen some people criticise Wiseman for being too conservative on certain activities (breath-play, chest striking etc.) but those aren't kinks of mine so I don't have a strong opinion on who's right on those issues.

Screw The Roses and Loving Dominant do discuss technique and safety but compared to SM101 they lean more to the psychological side of things. As I recall, these two are a bit more couples-oriented than the other two, so they might be a good place to start for somebody who's not looking to get involved in play parties/nonmonogamy/etc.

TBH I don't remember The Topping Book very well. I have a copy but it's past my bedtime so I won't drag it out just now; my hazy memory is that it's somewhere between the ones mentioned above, perhaps with more content about negotiating expectations (but I might be conflating it with The Ethical Slut there).

If you have the option, reading them all is a fine choice. Different people have different ideas about The Right Way To Do BDSM and some get rather dogmatic about their own brand; not all of the advice they give will be relevant to your circumstances. Reading different perspectives is a good way to get a feel for the different approaches that are possible.
 
The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book are good (and quick) reads; The Loving Dominant is good, also.

I've seen people who choose to read up on kink/BDSM from their side of the slash, only (dominant reading dominant-oriented books; submissives reading submissive-oriented books), but I'd encourage you to both read whatever you decide, then talk about it - kind of like a mini book club. It can be an excellent tool to figure out where each other is coming from, and make sure you're on the same page.
 
Thanks for the replies. I am not overly concerned about the safety issues (at least for now). I am not ready for anything that might prove dangerous for my wife. At this point It is just some light bondage, spanking and she is hinting at some rough role play.
Frankly at this point I think she may be ready for just a tad more than I am ready/willing to dish out but I am moving forward at a comfortable pace for us. I would have never expected to be doing research for the bedroom at the age of 40... but here I am and I am loving it so far.

I do also like the idea of each of use researching both top and bottom. I think having an understanding of what your partner is is getting/wanting from the relationship is important so that makes a lot of sense to me.
 
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I read quite a few of the books for the information they contained. Kacie Cunningham's "Conquer Me" is one of the best. It's written from a sub's perspective but it emphasizes the communication aspect being key to a good relationship. For us, this was a good thing because it opened the door to talking about what we wanted and needed.

It's fast, it's simple. But it has information in it that can get you headed in a safe direction.
 
SalvDali said:
Thanks for the replies. I am not overly concerned about the safety issues (at least for now). I am not ready for anything that might prove dangerous for my wife. At this point It is just some light bondage, spanking and she is hinting at some rough role play.
Frankly at this point I think she may be ready for just a tad more than I am ready/willing to dish out but I am moving forward at a comfortable pace for us. I would have never expected to be doing research for the bedroom at the age of 40... but here I am and I am loving it so far.

I do also like the idea of each of use researching both top and bottom. I think having an understanding of what your partner is is getting/wanting from the relationship is important so that makes a lot of sense to me.
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Bondage, even "light" can cause damage if not done properly, and pose a risk to your wife's safety. Please please please don't dismiss anything that focuses on how to play safely. For beginners it's best to use something like leather cuffs our even something that Velcro's. It's less likely to damage nerves or constrict blood flow and can be released quickly if things get too intense. Being tied can be fun and exhilarating, but it can be more intense than she may be anticipating. It's easy to go from excited to panicked. In those moments a quick release is vital to her feeling safe and being emotionally prepared to explore again in the future. If you HAVE to use something like rope, ties, scarves, etc, ALWAYS have a pair of scissors or shears in reach to cut her free if something goes wrong.

I hope you enjoy your reading and your journey together. :rose:
 
MastersDelight said:
Bondage, even "light" can cause damage if not done properly, and pose a risk to your wife's safety. Please please please don't dismiss anything that focuses on how to play safely. For beginners it's best to use something like leather cuffs our even something that Velcro's. It's less likely to damage nerves or constrict blood flow and can be released quickly if things get too intense. Being tied can be fun and exhilarating, but it can be more intense than she may be anticipating. It's easy to go from excited to panicked. In those moments a quick release is vital to her feeling safe and being emotionally prepared to explore again in the future. If you HAVE to use something like rope, ties, scarves, etc, ALWAYS have a pair of scissors or shears in reach to cut her free if something goes wrong.

I hope you enjoy your reading and your journey together. :rose:
Click to expand...

Yes we are currently using velcro restraints. We starting out using my ties ;-) and sailors knots that I could untie quickly with one pull. Thanks for the 411 on the quick release if she ever got into a panic.. I had really not considered that as a "danger" but I can see how that could really ruin things. She actually still requests for me to use the ties sometimes so I think I will heed your advice and add a pair of scissors to the toy box. Again, Thank you
 
SalvDali said:
Yes we are currently using velcro restraints. We starting out using my ties ;-) and sailors knots that I could untie quickly with one pull. Thanks for the 411 on the quick release if she ever got into a panic.. I had really not considered that as a "danger" but I can see how that could really ruin things. She actually still requests for me to use the ties sometimes so I think I will heed your advice and add a pair of scissors to the toy box. Again, Thank you
Click to expand...

Yes a knowledge of knots is handy too;)

Being new it's hard to know or expect all the "what ifs", which is why this forum is so great. It's sometimes possible to bite off more than can be chewed and end up with a scaring experience, making further exploitation difficult and I would never want anything to happen to your wife to make her trust in you waiver. As the Top, you have the hard part of keeping her safe when you play. As the Bottom, she could get drunk on her endorphins and not be fully aware of what level her body is at. Take things slllloooowwwwww. Leave her asking for more, and have fun, that's what its all about anyway. :)

Also, we use a good pair of bandage scissors for quick release. The sharp ends are protected so that it's easy to get under ropes or fabric quickly without the fear of cutting skin.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/like/282121...7290-0%26rvr_id%3D1081624650565&ul_noapp=true
 
Scissors are on the amazon shopping list now. Thanks for the tip.
 
A book that I have recommended for beginners is Dossie Eason's When Someone You Love is Kinky. I like to suggest it because it gives a full-landscape view of kink, including both the private and the public. Because it's written for someone outside of a kinky relationship, the information has no particular D or s orientation.
 
cookiecat said:
We've used this vet tape in the past - it's easy peasy to use and the scissors for easy off works nicely

https://www.nrsworld.com/3m/3m-vetr...YqtYSW9Nk8C8QjM28K1gzwsXlkDrXFyYi4aAlQ-8P8HAQ

I read your comment about nipple clamps. You might try clothes pins as an easy alternative.
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That tape is something I never considered.. I think i still have a roll from a BJJ shoulder injury too. We actually purchased nipple clamps but they tend to pop off so much we opted to purchase : https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B018ULYDHG/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 We think this will work better and look sexier at the same time
 
Lots of great advice on this thread! Can the mods sticky it so others can find it in the future?
 
SalvDali said:
That tape is something I never considered.. I think i still have a roll from a BJJ shoulder injury too. We actually purchased nipple clamps but they tend to pop off so much we opted to purchase : https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B018ULYDHG/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 We think this will work better and look sexier at the same time
Click to expand...

Those are a lot of fun! One of my favorites for sure.

Just remember to pay attention to how long they're on and how tight they are. It's easy to cause damage or loss of sensation from lack of blood flow. In my experience I find the most sensation comes from removing the clamps then handling afterwards. Either with teeth, fingers, tongue or light impact(the crop being ohhhhh so amazing.).
 
"The crop" such mixed emotions about that. I fear it would be to easy to flick the wrist a bit too much and not have the desired effect.
 
SalvDali said:
"The crop" such mixed emotions about that. I fear it would be to easy to flick the wrist a bit too much and not have the desired effect.
Click to expand...

It absolutely does take some level of control. Please play within your comfort zone. I mentioned it because it's one of my favorites, but I'm a pain slut so I like to play at a higher intensity level.
 
I lost a very long post here, I will try to recreate it, but I am not sure I will make it.

the books are a good start. research is a very good start. Of the books, I have only read The Loving Dominant. I recommend it, but I can't rank it against the others, because I just don't know.

Bramblethorn mentions that you will find dogmatic folks about "The Right Way" He is absolutely correct. The right way is the way things works for you. You live this lifestyle your way. Its how you will get the most enjoyment from it.

MastersDelight mentioned cuff including velcro. I second her opinion. An additional safety step is the Capillary nail refill test. https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/003394.htm This article was not written with bondage in mind, but it transfers.

cookiecat mentioned vet tape. Personally I am not a fan. The edges can roll up, making more of a band than a flat roll. But then I know people that have used it almost exclusively for years without a problem. So my dislike for it? Keep a grain of salt handy.

Safewords have not been mentioned on this thread. Depending on your type of play no can very well mean yes. I use Red, Yellow, and Green. Red is major issue. Yellow is minor, usually a quick fix and all goes along. Green is good. In my opinion simple words are better. When the endorphins are flowing the bottom can drop into "subspace" deep enough, and they can possibly need to be reminded to breathe. Red and Yellow can be hard enough to remember at that point "evisceration" will be damn near impossible. Again, my two cents. I know that there are several opinions here.

If/When you want to get back to rope bondage, I recommend two basic ties:

Two Column Tie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ItFtMDL-9I

Cats Paw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-m2Sy9lSUE

These are both designed so that the rope does not tighten around the bottom's wrists or ankles.

I think there was more but it will have to be for another post.
 
Jay321 said:
I lost a very long post here, I will try to recreate it, but I am not sure I will make it.

the books are a good start. research is a very good start. Of the books, I have only read The Loving Dominant. I recommend it, but I can't rank it against the others, because I just don't know.

Bramblethorn mentions that you will find dogmatic folks about "The Right Way" He is absolutely correct. The right way is the way things works for you. You live this lifestyle your way. Its how you will get the most enjoyment from it.

MastersDelight mentioned cuff including velcro. I second her opinion. An additional safety step is the Capillary nail refill test. https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/003394.htm This article was not written with bondage in mind, but it transfers.

cookiecat mentioned vet tape. Personally I am not a fan. The edges can roll up, making more of a band than a flat roll. But then I know people that have used it almost exclusively for years without a problem. So my dislike for it? Keep a grain of salt handy.

Safewords have not been mentioned on this thread. Depending on your type of play no can very well mean yes. I use Red, Yellow, and Green. Red is major issue. Yellow is minor, usually a quick fix and all goes along. Green is good. In my opinion simple words are better. When the endorphins are flowing the bottom can drop into "subspace" deep enough, and they can possibly need to be reminded to breathe. Red and Yellow can be hard enough to remember at that point "evisceration" will be damn near impossible. Again, my two cents. I know that there are several opinions here.

If/When you want to get back to rope bondage, I recommend two basic ties:

Two Column Tie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ItFtMDL-9I

Cats Paw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-m2Sy9lSUE

These are both designed so that the rope does not tighten around the bottom's wrists or ankles.

I think there was more but it will have to be for another post.
Click to expand...


Excellent info on the capillary refill test.

I've used Vetrap at work. It's great for holding IVs in place, but does have a tendency to roll under stress, which can become uncomfortable. It's fairly inexpensive, so if you want to try it, by all means do so. Let us all know how it goes.

We use yellow and red for safe words. Yellow is pause and check in. It can be thrown out because the intensity is too high, a restraint might have shifted in a bad way, or my nose itches :rolleyes:. Red is a complete and total stop and release from restraints. I've never had to throw a red, and I hope I never do.

In a situation where she may be gagged or can't call a safe word verbally, use a drop prop. It could be anything, a tennis ball, a scarf, a bell, anything. She holds it in her hand and in the event that she needs to call a safe word, she drops the prop instead.
 
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