BDSM: Questions and Answers

Good point WriterDom..............................Not that I have a desire to get a vanity tag either, just a topic that came up at work and funny how so many still think it is so taboo..

For me I think my son and daughter-in-law know, but then I know about them... LOL... having found their misplaced crop when they moved...

I work in a conservative setting and they all think I'm kinky because of my lingerie... I can not imagine what they would think if they knew the rest of it...

Re: A question to fellow BDSM'ers

Wizard said:

Hey, not to change the subject but...........................

I was wondering about others in the bdsm lifestyle.........How many know your living it?........any friends?........folks from work????

Last week we got into some cool sex talks at work and I explained some of they things skitten and I are into and the way we see things and maybe just maybe educate them so........so they might notice what they are missing.......

Some listened with ears wide open........Am I wrong???????? I mean if your both into something and it is all good clean legal fun, why keep quite about it......Way I see it ,it is nothing to be ashamed about.

Looking for some thought here........

Click to expand...

Nobody knows about me, mainly because I don't have a relationsip to talk about at the moment, but also because my friends are that somewhat bland flavor whose name arouses ire in some folks... I have reason to suspect one friend of mine and his wife are dabblers, but I don't know.

And, to WD's remark about what the rest of the world thinks of us? I don't have to imagine. A few times I've tried to steer a conversation around the topic with my parents, and gotten some of the most misinformed, downright biggoted claptrap spewed back at me, and I was expected to laugh along with them at "the sickos".

I have a few friends who know, my sister and his brother *strongly* suspect but have never broached the subject, and I know that a few people at work have suspicions that I'm "kinky" somehow, though the depth and variety of it would likely surprise them.

There's also one guy (a friend) at work who I never had to tell; he's a gay-identified bisexual, something of a leather daddy, and we've always just kinda been on the same wavelength. We naturally gravitate to each other, it seems. Plus, he's wicked cool.

I'm in the advantageous situation of living in relatively liberal California, and working with a bunch of other "freaks" in my department and teaching appointment. For most people though, I think WriterDom's completely right--imagine what *most* people think. If there's a chance it could seriously inhibit your ability to live your life the way you want to, I can completely understand the desire to keep quiet about it.

On the other hand, until more people are willing to take the bull by the horns (through visible things like Janus' involvement in the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade and private things like not attempting to "pass" in one's own social world), the stigma isn't likely to fade. So, it really a double edged sword: be vocal and suffer the consequences, or be quiet and perpetually feel somewhat "in the closet" whenever you find yourself expected to agree with the judgements being passed on "those freaks." I don't know which is *right,* but neither is easy.

RS

none of my friends outside of lit know, none of my family knows. there is no one i feel comfortable talking to about this in real life.

but then, i'm a young'un. i have high hopes to make many kinky friends in my lifetime.

My mother knows, of course.

My soon-to-be-former husband knows, but he doesn't like it at all and would prefer that i not like either. (Hence that divorce...!)

I have two local friends who have suspicions that i do some pretty adventurous stuff with regard to sexuality, though they don't really have a clue, i think, of what that "adventure" entails.

I'm getting to know a few local Dominants, too, who of course know all about me.

I don't have a job (yet) so no one at works knows. When i do take a job, it'll be a long while before i'll be open to anyone about it. We teachers, as all of us keep saying, can be fired on the morals clauses in our contracts for these kinda serious deviances from the (largely mythical?) norm in terms of sexual behavior.

That's all.

I'm going to my local munch on the 17th, and with a local Dom, so i'll probably meet a few people there.

For all my seeming openness on the subject, i'm really not very open about this in my everyday life. I feel like a fraud.

i don't think you or anyone else is a fraud cym. i really don't think it's anyone's business what you do in the privacy of your bedroom.

I admit I have been staying out of the discussion lately cause I have too many "unsettled open flanks" at this stage about relations ... not a topic I feel comfortable talking about right now.

As for showing the "kinky side" to friends etc. - NO!
I too live in a small "community" , moving to an even smaller one now (shudder) and it would be doing serious damage to my professional career if people knew too much about me in that respect. I think I wouldn't deny it if asket straight forward, but wiggle around it somehow; I definitely will not bring up the subject though (unless I suspect someone might be wired along the same line and I want to confirm my "suspicion" )

But it feels ok cause in the meantime I have made enough friends on the internet and in other circles that are not related to my work or my usual circle of friends that I feel no longer badly "closeted".

Here is my situation (changing the subject a little)...

I have been invited to attend an Eros meeting and play party afterwards... I would be under the protection of a local Dom and Domme, they are a married couple, with their own sub...

Now most of you know I am relatively new to all of this... and I guess I am asking if this is how things are done?

I have developed a relationship with this Dom over the last 3 months... He edits my stories for me... I have talked with him quite a bit on line... He understands my relationship with Himself and he is not looking for a new sub.... just seems to want to help and understands that Himself cannot always attend these kind of functions with me...

I have discussed this somewhat with Himself... and while we would both prefer that we attend these kinds of functions together, but because of certain circumstances that is not always possible... He does understand that i have a need to develop a support system and to meet people..

Has anyone else attended these kinds of functions?(besides cym... LOL.. of course)

The Dom spent a lot of time talking to me about what to expect and such... but I was wondering if anyone else could tell me about their experiences?

I came out of the closet with two close 'nilla friends lately and got very positive results. But I definetely see the points of Hecate and LeXie and others, not every community and peer group is able to handle a "perv". I'm living in a big german town with a big and active scene, that makes a huge difference compared to smaller towns (thinking of Hecate ).
Would me customers mind? Dunno, but I've decided to keep my mouth shut. A few weeks ago I was in for a big surprise, though. I'm wearing a Ring of "O" and a secretary at a customers site recognised it and commented. Since I was asked derectly I didn't deny anything. That was a nice surprise.

Basically I think that the things I do in my bedroom is no ones business, but it's a shame that we still have to hide.

Monika

cellis, Our munch group has many private partys at there houses which is what I think your talking about............If you Dom is going to be there then I say go and you'll be just fine , you will see all kinds of things and I'm sure it will be eye opening.........It sure was for us.

Cellis,
My limited experiences with public group meetings was that it was very similar to any other group of people with a common interrest. We all hang out and drink coffee and Cokes or beer depending on the location, and discuss either the topic that was preselected or any topic that strikes our fancy. Some hang around longer than others and some show up early. Some hang near the door and some get right up front and make sure they are heard. Some are talkative and friendly and some are shy. Some are in-your-face-hardcore and some are average folks. Some people will be in wheel chairs and lots of people will be wearing glasses. You will see people who are barely legal and some who are meeting their grandkids for supper after the meeting. You will mostly see couples as opposed to singles. Almost everyone who is into SM (at least publicly) is white and educated.

One difference that I see in this from other groups is that as a single woman, you are "fresh meat" and can expect to be immediately surrounded by more aggressive creatures-often couples. My personal recomendation is to avoid being anything other than simply friendly to those folks. If they are out to gobble you up immediately without giving you a chance to get to know the group, then they are probably the type who go thorough partners in a rush and others will view you and judge you based on your interraction with them. This is no different than the guy who hits on EVERY breathing female in a bar. I once read that every woman who begins to participate in SM social intrractions will feel like a prom queen. You will be sought after and wooed. Be prepared for it.

When I was involved in the group that was near my home, there were 2 couples that "courted" me. One was a couple who I was NOT attracted to in any way, shape, or fashion. They later brought their daughter to the group play party. I was a bit horrified and completely disgusted. (I will admit, I am NOT as kinky as I could be!!!!!!!) The other couple was the typical aggressive-grab-her-before-anybody-else-gets-to type and were all too attentive to me. I became friendly with them but was told flat out by my regular partner at that time that I was never, EVER to be touched by either of them since they are very aggressive with everyone and tend to scare people off. Since then, I did witness that. I have made a lasting friendship with someone I met there and we spent Christmas eve with him and his family.
I got to know someone there that I had worked with a bit professionally. We are still distant lovers and I am very thankful for the chance we had to meet there.
My life was enriched by my interractions with a formal SM group. But I do not interract with any now. Distance, privacy, and time are my enemies in this.
Once again, for the record, I will state that the above is my impression only.

a reply to the 'coming out' part of this thread.
This is something i find difficult as by nature i am an open person also before i met my current partner i was in non-monogamous relationships and my watchword was openness. I always told people from the beginning what to expect.
Being bi too - i have found that since i have been with my partner (male) everyone i meet assumes that i am straight in all senses of the word
- i know that forcing them to know details of my private life isn't right but i sometimes feel like i am being trapped into a person that isn't me by work colleagues views.
Its actually harder amongst those who know i am bi they seem to think it even more kinky. Wierd huh;
My parents would have to be pretty daft not to suspect/know as woudl my brother. I would dearly love to tell my mothers side of the family beacuase they are such a narrow minded bunch i sometimes feel the shaking up would do them good.
I have few close freinds and i think acceptance of this side of me is vital to any close friednship. Most people who know and who aren't disgsuted find it a turn-on and i am struggling to maintain one frienndship in the face of his interest in BDSM/fetish play etc. He seems to transfer the interest and allure to me as well and it is difficult.

Blondgirl, is very right our munch meeting are very much like it,they some sort of program most are educated we do have sevearl black folks in ours....all are great folks......

There was a couple that took us under there wing so to speak and they helped to coach us and make us feel more confortable with the meeting........You can get a little freaked out when you walk in............You will see EVERTHING........tall, small, skinny , fat,Black, white you name it we all have our kinks........

Mainly I have to agree with what was said......I am sorry I was thinking you meant the parties that go on....My fault.....

First, I would like to thank you all for this thread. I have been reading it for a while, and it has provided me with a wealth of information. My husband and I have recently begun experimenting with BDSM with him as a Dom and me as a sub, so you can probably understand how this thread has helped me.

As to the question of who knows in real life. Well, no one except my husband who has begun this journey with me. That is why I am posting this unregistered, and why I have not posted before. In fact, I would imagine that many people who read this thread feel the same way. For me, the biggest obstacle is that I work with children. I am certain that if anyone found out I was into BDSM they would assume I was out to moleste their children which as you probably know is simply not the case. I have children of my own, and I too try to protect them, so to a certain extent I guess I understand. The average person though I don't think understands that you can be kinky without harming others and that most kink does not involve children certainly nothing that I do does. But, people are afraid, so I am afraid of them.

That being said, I wish I did have others to talk to. I have lots of unanswered questions, but I don't really want to post much information in a public place like this. I have thought about going to a support group, but there is not one near by as I live in a small town. There is one with in a resonable drive, but to be honest I am terrified of going. I am afraid of doing the wrong thing, running in to someone I know (I know, I know they would be there too), etc. I have thought about finding someone I could e-mail (another submissive, I don't want anyone trying to seduce me or to give anyone any reason to find me in the real world), but I have never seen any kind of e-mail exchange for something like this. And, finally I am considering registering here and asking questions. If I do, please do not fault me for being vague about my personal information. I wanted to post this so that those of you who are more open on the web regardless of how you are in real life know that there are others of us out here that feel even nervous about that.

Unreg?

Register with a vague nick.
Do not put any personal info at all on the personal info page.

No one here will ever attempt to determine who you are out there in your everyday life unless YOU invite such inquiries.

You are safe here.
Ask your questions.

If you still don't feel safe, though, please feel free to continue posting your questions as Unregistered. We'll answer you.

And welcome.

Welcome

All you said made a lot of sense and most of us have "been there" at some stage and share the predicament of having to keep that side of us to ourselves for different reasons.

One thing - if you declare you are in a committed relation every genuine person, BDSM or not, will accept and respect that and not try to seduce you - so feel free to just get in touch with us if you want to know anything specific.

Again - welcome and ASK whenever - whatever! We are not the all-knowing official BDSM-How-to-Manual, but we are genuine and "normal" people knowing what we like and we don'T mind sharing our opinions and views.

Unregistered, I encourage you to pick a member name and register, as cymbidia suggested. You still have complete anonymity, but it does allow the other members to keep you separate from other unregs. It also allows you to send and receive Personal Messages. (PMs) This could be very helpful to you if you would like to get advice from someone in particular without saying it to the entire board.

And welcome, too. I think you will find many people here that want to lend a hand.

I know this is probably much like the anal sex question on another thread, but I have a question about what I have heard to be one of the more extreem aspects of BDSM, vaginal fisting. I have found plenty regarding the how to's but am wondering about long term effects. Could it cause a rectocele, cystocele, uterine prolapse and the like? I am okay about being PMed if you don't want to answer here. I have a need to know what could happen down the road before I can consider something safe and I hope someone here in my little lifestyle niche will have the answer. I hope this query is not to far out or offensive. Thanks.

Hi there unreg,
prejudices against BDSM are still common, we're the kinky freaks and people assume the weirdest things about us. Hopefully that'll change as it has changed for the gay community.

This topic here and the howto section of this forum has become a very valuable source of information for me.
So all I can say is, ask questions, comment on what you read and explore. We're a pretty open and helpful bunch of people.
I've seen the same things in munches, so if you can, go to one, it's nice to talk to people r/t.

If you just reg a name you're pretty save against being discovered, as others have said, you can receive personal messages, which is sometimes helpful. But if you feel unsure, staying unregistered is perfectly OK.

It's great that you and your husband are exploring together, I'm sure you've read about the problems other have when only one partner is interested and the other one is appalled.

Welcome to our group of "pervs"
Monika

But what if I like being a 'kinky freak'? *grins*

I'll chime in a little, unreg. I would certainly not call many of the Dom/mes I've known/heard of 'harmless,' but I truly don't think any one would try to track you down. They would be hard pressed to do so, in any case, as the moderators/owners of this board have a sterling reputation for protecting members' privacy.

That being said, registering is a convenience, not a necessity. If you are most comfortable posting as a guest, we'll still respond to you. Heck, we'll respond to most anything!

HotXBuns made me think of something else. cym, have the various health-issues related to the lifestyle been discussed earlier in the thread? Since the search command is broken, I'd have to read the whole thread to find out for myself. (And I am too rotten lazy to do that.) If they are there, I will make the effort. I intend to train geri to crave the broadest range of experiences possible, but I want to keep her safety foremost.

I've been trying to get the printable version of the file saved to hard drive, to enable searching in Word, but it is so darn huge, it keeps locking up my machine. When I get it working, I'll be able to find anything of interest within the entire thread. *whew*

Magister said:

But what if I like being a 'kinky freak'? *grins*

Click to expand...

Who said I hated it? Mwaaahaahaaa I love every moment!

Monika <- dominant and kinky freak

Magister said:

But what if I like being a 'kinky freak'? *grins*

Click to expand...

Yeh! Who said i hated it?
I loooooooooove every kinky moment, too.


Magister, i don't think we've had a specific discussion on BDSM health related issues yet. We've certainly touched on a few things in passing but haven't spent any focused time on the issue that i can recall.

The subject is of immediate interest to me since (1) i was in the ER last summer for a fisting related injury and (2) i'm going in to see my doc for a yearly on Friday and at that time i'm going to out myself to her about all this. She needs to know about me so the occasional marks she's likely to see won't be overly alarming.

cym <----- submissive and kinky freak

I know that stay lacing is another fetish all together but could fit nicely with the BDSM lifestyle. My Honey and I were interested in this and talked to a Master Piercer in New Orleans about it. She has been great about answering questions we had about piercings and safety. Anyway, because we really want to be safe in our play, we opted out of the corset training after she showed us some really freaky x-rays of what happens to the ribs etc. You rarely find this info on the stay lace sites.

When I had my hysterectomy I asked my doc about retaining the ability to "insert large objects" vaginally. He told me the scar tissue could cause some discomfort. Well hell, like "discomfort" was going to scare me. LOL I did not go into detail regarding my lifestyle. To be quite honest, I do not know if I would get the care and consideration I need. I live in a very conservative area and have worked in the health care field and know how "professionals" talk. I am not even "out" as a lesbian to my health care provider thus I have to field the birth control questions all of the time. Cymbidia, did you have problems in the ER?

I did not notice any health related threads, that is why I asked. I think it might be a good thing to discuss what folks here use on abrasions, cuts and the like? How do you know the ligatures are too tight to do damage and things of that nature. What if someone goes into shock?

Questions, I have questions.

corsets

I love my corsets truly. The feeling of being tight corseted and supported is a great feeling, something you have to do to understand. Taking something past the safe point is another issue. If you are interested in corseting, I would say try it. What you may have seen are the wasp waist corsets - tiny little waist that makes the woman look like she will break in half.

I would suggest a regular corset, like you can buy at Axfords.com, which is not something would cause the rib cage damage you are talking about - they don't go in at the waist. I have been wearing a corset on a regular basis for about a year now and have experienced no problems. If you have more questions about this, PM me