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First Dom/Sub Session tomorrow night

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SirNate

Virgin
Joined
Jan 14, 2017
Posts
7
Scenario: girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 years now. If you can think of anything sexual at all, we have done it at least once. But we have decided that we are going to do a part time thing of dominant and submissive at least 4/5 times a week, stretching into full time. We have all the toys and restraints and we aren't a stranger to them. Thing is we tried this once before and went to full into it, like tried to control everything but it just didn't work, that's why we're trying to only do it for an hour each night or similar. We've set out our hard and soft limits, set out the rules for punishments and boundaries so no need for a contract that's been taken care of.

So what I need from the professionals, is a list or structure for tomorrow nights first session. What lesson should we go through first?! What activities can we do?! Is there anything I can do to make it less awkward?! We've done nasty stuff before and looked at each other after and laughed; but I know that won't cut it here.

Many thanks,

SirNate
 
SirNate said:
Scenario: girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 years now. If you can think of anything sexual at all, we have done it at least once. But we have decided that we are going to do a part time thing of dominant and submissive at least 4/5 times a week, stretching into full time. We have all the toys and restraints and we aren't a stranger to them. Thing is we tried this once before and went to full into it, like tried to control everything but it just didn't work, that's why we're trying to only do it for an hour each night or similar. We've set out our hard and soft limits, set out the rules for punishments and boundaries so no need for a contract that's been taken care of.

So what I need from the professionals, is a list or structure for tomorrow nights first session. What lesson should we go through first?! What activities can we do?! Is there anything I can do to make it less awkward?! We've done nasty stuff before and looked at each other after and laughed; but I know that won't cut it here.

Many thanks,

SirNate
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There are web sites you can find things such as that on. Google is your friend. Also, the BDSM library is at the top of this forum. You should find something there too, if maybe just links to other sites.

We tend to frown on people coming here and asking for help that you can do yourself. We are here to give you help on things you can't find yourself.

And I'd guess your partner would enjoy something you came up on your own, instead of something you found on the net. Even if it's not as fancy or refined as you might think, I'm sure she'll appreciate it even more, because it came completely from your mind.
 
Cheers chief, I've been googling for a week now and I can't find any specific to my situation, was hoping for a discussion on here with experienced people who might have been in, or known about a similar situation.
 
dfc

Try to make your voice different than ordinary conversation. You are an admiral speaking to a trusted Captain
 
SirNate said:
Cheers chief, I've been googling for a week now and I can't find any specific to my situation, was hoping for a discussion on here with experienced people who might have been in, or known about a similar situation.
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dominant guide


Took me 30 seconds. This might be what you're looking for. If not, there are other links you can find by Googling "first time BDSM check list".

I still think she would prefer your own thoughts, even if you tend to be a little clumsy. Live, learn and grow together. Don't put on a fake front just so you look good. That fake front will become a crutch, down the road.
 
Appreciate the help. I guess like the article says there's no one size fits all. I'll just have to have a bash and go with the flow.
 
SirNate said:
Appreciate the help. I guess like the article says there's no one size fits all. I'll just have to have a bash and go with the flow.
Click to expand...
That article says exactly how it is. Everybody is different. What you like I might not. But, what you have to do is find out what you and your partner like together. Using a template made up by someone else could end up making the whole evening a flop.

Even if you come off a bit clumsy, something that comes from your desires is really going to work best. You can take parts of that article and mix them in with your thoughts, but your thoughts will always be what works best. It's just more personal and when you think about it, isn't that what sex is all about?
 
So you're going to do something for an hour each night, 4- 5 times a week, hopefully leading to full time? Right? So not just dom/sub in bedroom but some kind of D/so dynamic in your everyday life? Or you're looking at full time as simply sexual??

I ask because i don't know what your end goal is. Do hi want to establish rigid protocol? Do you want her to be your cock slut? Will you have rules she has to follow?
I suggest starting small. Have her sit at your feet with her thumbs cuffed and ass plugged as you watch TV. Is orgasm control on your radar? Tie her down, legs spread, bring her to edge over and over. Do you want service to be a priority? For that hour, she needs serve you dinner...as you eat, she suckles your cock.

DVS is right in saying you need to make it yours. It totally depends on your goals.

Good luck! Sounds fun.
 
I like that idea of implementing little by little! The dinner one made me laugh, that was an epic idea, exactly what I came here for, thank you!
 
SirNate said:
So what I need from the professionals, is a list or structure for tomorrow nights first session. What lesson should we go through first?! What activities can we do?! Is there anything I can do to make it less awkward?! We've done nasty stuff before and looked at each other after and laughed; but I know that won't cut it here.

Many thanks,

SirNate
Click to expand...

Specifically regarding the bolded bit above... why on earth not? I mean, aren't you supposed to be having FUN? Enjoying yourselves?

It sounds like you've already got a history of kinky fuckery - what is it that you feel has to be different to turn kinky fuckery into D/s? What's wrong with acknowledging you both want D/s (for X amount of time, agreeing to hard and soft limits), then doing what you normally do?

It isn't a different tone of voice or telling me where to sit that makes my lover dominant, and it isn't calling him Sir or Master that makes me submissive. It's us being ourselves.

Honestly, I think y'all are making this way more complicated than necessary.
 
Stop trying to be something you're not. If laughing, and being joyful is your thing, there's nothing about D/s that says you have to be something different. One person is in charge. The other obeys.

What's the point of this training? Is it sexy to think of a training session? If so it shouldn't matter really what you do. Google a BDSM checklist and do that. You don't have to train. Not everyone does it.

This doesn't have to be contrived. Just be yourselves.
 
Because it sounds like he's looking for something different than what they've done in the past? Something that includes some bdsm scenarios?

But yes!! Have fun. Sounds like you guys have talked it over.... now just enjoy.
 
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I could be wrong but I get the feeling that he (Nate) is seeing BDSM through a common stereotypical framing that I think we forget about, the image of it being more along the lines of consensual domestic abuse than just atypical sex. Tepidly.

Maybe I'm unique in this aspect but I can still remember only just a few years ago being of the vacuous mindset that the whip-ers and the whip-ees didn't actually enjoy what they were doing but did it anyway because......unknown and probably incomprehensible reason. Demonic possession probably.

To be clear; I don't think you (nate) think exactly that way at all since you say you're willing to indulge a little, but the mention of "I know [laughing] won't cut it here" and awkward moments makes me think that you're at least trying to act out a cringy script rather than exploring to discover whether there's any aspects of what you try that you both like. Which I thought was the whole point of trying it out.

If I'm right then best advice I guess would be to stop caring about fitting in and/or belonging. Otherwise, dead horse, refer to previous posts.
 
Consilience said:
I could be wrong but I get the feeling that he (Nate) is seeing BDSM through a common stereotypical framing that I think we forget about, the image of it being more along the lines of consensual domestic abuse than just atypical sex. Tepidly.

Maybe I'm unique in this aspect but I can still remember only just a few years ago being of the vacuous mindset that the whip-ers and the whip-ees didn't actually enjoy what they were doing but did it anyway because......unknown and probably incomprehensible reason. Demonic possession probably.

To be clear; I don't think you (nate) think exactly that way at all since you say you're willing to indulge a little, but the mention of "I know [laughing] won't cut it here" and awkward moments makes me think that you're at least trying to act out a cringy script rather than exploring to discover whether there's any aspects of what you try that you both like. Which I thought was the whole point of trying it out.

If I'm right then best advice I guess would be to stop caring about fitting in and/or belonging. Otherwise, dead horse, refer to previous posts.
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That's my impression too.
 
Oh, OP!!!
Nate.

Let us know how it turns out!

I like questions like this. I don't have any answers, but it is a good read.

Welcome to Lit. :)
 
It also depends on how "formal" BDSM is to [generic] you.

My relationship is D/s, but neither of us care about formalities. So he might wander by while I'm doing dishes, tell me to lean forward and not stop what I'm doing, deliver 1/2 dozen hard swats and walk away without saying anything else. How do you "plan" that stuff without it feeling weird?

If I want/need something kinky, I ask. If he wants/needs something kinky, he tells me. Otherwise we do what we do (life), but both understand our place in the relationship (and appreciate what we have).

So when someone asks for an outline of how to do D/s "for reals"... I'm like ummm... do what you normally do, but recognize he/she has whatever control (or not) you agreed to. It's the recognition of authority that makes it D/ (to me), not the actions.
 
When someone new comes here asking for tips, help, info, there's a wealth of different perspectives, which is awesome. We are all at different places and we came to these places in different ways. We all have a little unique wisdom to offer.

Some here call their PYL Master or Daddy. Others are less formal. Some people get off on protocol and training. Others do not. To discount the other side of the coin because my relationship doesn't look like yours feels judgemental. I know I've done it; it's been pointed out to me. I hope I try to keep an open mind.

I remember being new and wading my way through lots of awkward but usually fun bdsm moments. I had preconceived ideas of how things should be. I value the suggestions here that nothing really is a "should be" other than enjoy.

If the OP wants some structure, wants to approach each hour they've set aside (and clearly thought about and discussed) in a more formal way, what the heck? Nate signed his post Sir. Sounds like they want to give it a whirl.
 
cookiecat said:
When someone new comes here asking for tips, help, info, there's a wealth of different perspectives, which is awesome. We are all at different places and we came to these places in different ways. We all have a little unique wisdom to offer.

Some here call their PYL Master or Daddy. Others are less formal. Some people get off on protocol and training. Others do not. To discount the other side of the coin because my relationship doesn't look like yours feels judgemental. I know I've done it; it's been pointed out to me. I hope I try to keep an open mind.

I remember being new and wading my way through lots of awkward but usually fun bdsm moments. I had preconceived ideas of how things should be. I value the suggestions here that nothing really is a "should be" other than enjoy.

If the OP wants some structure, wants to approach each hour they've set aside (and clearly thought about and discussed) in a more formal way, what the heck? Nate signed his post Sir. Sounds like they want to give it a whirl.
Click to expand...

:heart:
 
Sharing our experiences isn't being judgmental. It's showing someone there are different ways of doing things. Certainly they can take what they want and leave the rest. And when did we all agree to not be judgmental? I judge every user I come across here every single day.
 
cookiecat said:
When someone new comes here asking for tips, help, info, there's a wealth of different perspectives, which is awesome. We are all at different places and we came to these places in different ways. We all have a little unique wisdom to offer.

Some here call their PYL Master or Daddy. Others are less formal. Some people get off on protocol and training. Others do not. To discount the other side of the coin because my relationship doesn't look like yours feels judgemental. I know I've done it; it's been pointed out to me. I hope I try to keep an open mind.

I remember being new and wading my way through lots of awkward but usually fun bdsm moments. I had preconceived ideas of how things should be. I value the suggestions here that nothing really is a "should be" other than enjoy.

If the OP wants some structure, wants to approach each hour they've set aside (and clearly thought about and discussed) in a more formal way, what the heck? Nate signed his post Sir. Sounds like they want to give it a whirl.
Click to expand...

He's looking for advice. He got advice. Some of that advice being to change his perspective isn't judgemental. Just because you're uncomfortable with some of the replies, or don't like some of the replies, doesn't mean there's judgement here.

I don't see this as the difference between formal and not. I see this as him having a picture of what it should be, and trying to cram themselves to fit. Maybe they can only realize that through trial and error. However he's given us a description of a couple that likes to explore and have fun. What he's described he wants out of a D/s dynamic is the total opposite.
 
Fair enough.

I think I said the advice here he's received has been good and that he's free to pick and choose the unique bits of wisdom provided.

I never said I was uncomfortable with the advice or suggestions.

Judge away.
 
cookiecat said:
Fair enough.

I think I said the advice here he's received has been good and that he's free to pick and choose the unique bits of wisdom provided.

I never said I was uncomfortable with the advice or suggestions.

Judge away.
Click to expand...

I'm judging right now. :cattail:
 
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