Humor Thread

Handley_Page said:

Two guys at their adjacent desks. One is on the 'phone:

"Yes".
there's a pause and then:
"Yes".
there's a longer pause and then:
"Yes; OK Bye!"

The other looks at him and say "Damn, that was a long call"

"Yeah, it was my new girlfriend; She had a lovely talk."

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Sounds like talking to my wife! Had her on Bluetooth in the car with my son one day. She talked for twenty minutes before I had to go. After I hung up, my son said, "Do you realize you didn't say more than a dozen words during that entire conversation?" Sad, but true!

Accompanied by an anxious wife, the patient was brought to the Hospital.

"Can you tell me what happened?" said the Doctor as he started to make an examination of the bloody mess that was the patient.

"I had an accident," she said, "I shot him with a nail gun and it skewered his hands. "
The doctor nodded."Get him up to theatre right away."

"Well," she added as her husband was wheeled away, "it's what he gets for trying to cover his balls."

A drunken woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in
Brisbane.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no
attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself,
where is this pretty lady keeping the money to be paying me!?"

The not so bright hunter was in the woods when he came upon a beautiful, naked woman. She gave him a warm, inviting smile. The hunter asked, "Are you game?"

"Why yes I am," cooed the woman.

So he shot her.

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert?"

For Fathers Day: I don't remember which Blue Collar Comedian said this:

We don't have video of my son's birth but I do have a pretty good one of his conception.

FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

(1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

(2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

(3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

(4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

(5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

(6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Wise Advice From Seniors About Raising Miserable Children - (That's YOU!)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve and the first thing He said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve. We have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way !"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

A Misunderstanding

A Hollywood lawyer returns from lunch and his new secretary is frantic to tell him that Mickey Mouse called and said that he wants to divorce Minnie because she's crazy.

The Lawyer promptly returns Mickey’s call; “Mickey, my secretary informs me that you want to divorce Minnie. Well, I’m sorry to inform you that the state of California does not recognize being crazy as reason to grant a divorce.”

Mickey was furious and his voice went up an octave; “I didn’t tell your dumb ass secretary that Minnie was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!”

Handley_Page said:

Wise Advice From Seniors About Raising Miserable Children - (That's YOU!)

Click to expand...

Credit where credit is due:

Bill Cosby - Genesis (Part 1 of 2) (9:31)

Bill Cosby - Genesis (Part 2 of 2) (8:00)

"Genesis," the first track of Those of You With or Without Children, You'll Understand, is worth 20 minutes of your life. Trust me on this.

The excitement of hitting a BINGO in the Senior Citizen Center.

The worst, more horrible jokes I know. So bad that if you laugh at any of them, you should be sent to the worst prison on Earth.

Q. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?"
A. Nothing you haven't already told her twice.

Q. What's the first thing you should say to a woman returning from the shelter for battered women?
A. Maybe now you'll do the fucking dishes!

Q. Why do women have pussies?
A. So men will talk to them.

Q. Why do women have legs?
A. So they won't leave snail tracks across the kitchen floor.

Q. Why do they spank babies when they are born?
A. To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.

Q. What's the best answer to "Not tonight, dear, I have a headache?"
A#1: It's not your head I'm interested in.
A#2: Here's two aspirin. I can wait.

Q. What's the difference between lust and love?
A. Spit versus swallow.

A woman asks her husband, "If I die, would you get remarried?"
The husband answers, "I think so. You wouldn't want me to go through life alone, would you?"
The woman replies, "No, I guess not. But would you let her live in this house?"
The husband answers, "I know we've worked hard to afford this house and with the real estate market the way it is, I don't know if I could sell it. So, yes."
Getting rather pissed, the woman asks in a frosty tone: "What about my car? I suppose you'd let her drive my fucking car, too?"
The husband answers, "Of course not dear. She doesn't know how to drive a stick shift."

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.

The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp cocktail. Lobster
Patron, Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert?"

A pilot asked a beautiful princess "Will you marry me?"

The princess said, "No!"

And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny, long-legged flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weissenstephaner German beer and Red Heart rum and never had to listen to bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover pizza, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work. All his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and
he left the toilet seat up.

The end.

A drunken woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in
Brisbane.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no
attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be
proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself,
where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me!?"

The doctor looked at the patient's wife and reported:
"I'm pleased to say that your husband is not as ill as we feared. All he needs is some peace & quiet and rest. Here are some sleeping pills."

"Oh thank you Doctor," gushed the woman. "How often should I give them to him?"

The doctor looked at her and said "Actually, they're for you".

Business Leadership:

Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things. - Peter F. Drucker

Don't tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results. - George S. Patton

Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it. - Dwight Eisenhower

A leader is a dealer in hope. - Napoleon Bonaparte

The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it. - Elaine Agather

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women. - Groucho Marx

The very essence of leadership is that you have to have vision. You can't blow an uncertain trumpet. - Theodore M. Hesburgh

Official Rules of a Gun Fight

1. Bring a good gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a rifle and several friends with more rifles.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading or running.

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should literally have to beat you to death with it because it is empty. (This rule RULES!)

11. Always cheat to win. It's a gunfight, dammit!

12. Have a plan.

13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, and know the difference between the two.

15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

16. Don't drop your guard.

17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

18. Watch hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them!)

19. Decide to be aggressive, and be aggressive FAST!

20. The faster you finish the fight, the less you will get shot.

Yes, this is actually the founder of McAfee software.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKgf5PaBzyg

johneb87 said:

Yes, this is actually the founder of McAfee software.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKgf5PaBzyg

Click to expand...

just fantastic

johneb87 said:

Yes, this is actually the founder of McAfee software.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKgf5PaBzyg

Click to expand...

I fancy a jacket like that.