Humor Thread

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Coot are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

Breaking Development on the oil leak

Great News:

CNN has just reported that BP has replaced the oil cap with a wedding ring.

It immediately stopped putting out.

More news at 11:00.

Democrat Truck Salesman

I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma . Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel."

The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest.

He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership... Damn guy had no sense of humor.

Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,

"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Two couples met for dinner. Later, the wife of 1st couple met the husband of 2nd couple in the kitchen. Unintentionally, they come across each other eyes for a moment and women asked:

- Do you want to have some fun with me? she asked

- I'd love to... he replied

- Then come by noon tomorrow, my husband will be at work... but you have to pay me 100 bucks...

- No probs, will be here at noon.

Next day man drop by at noon and everything happen as they planned...

Later that day, the husband gets home from work and asks his wife:

- So did you meet with my friend today...

Oh shit... she thought, he knows... : - Yes... he drop by during lunch time

- Did he give you 100 bucks?

Oh shit... he really knows everything... : - Yes, he did...

- Good, this morning he borrowed 100 bucks from me, said will return it to you by lunch time... He's really an honest guy.

Blind Man In Store

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!"

The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

Just sent to me
DG

6 Indisputable Truths

6 TRUTHS OF LIFE



1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time.











2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.











3. And discover #1 is a lie.















4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.









5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.









6. There is still a stupid smile on your face







I apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette
patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put
that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis".

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down
to two butts a day".

***IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL***

The Big Flood

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

Actual Medical Charts

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

What Do You Mean?

What men and women say and what they really mean:

What a woman says, what she really means...
- I need = I want
- We need = I want
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
- Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
- We need to talk = I need to complain
- Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
- I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
- I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
- Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
- Yes = No
- No = No
- Maybe = No
- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
- I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
- I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!


What a man says, what he really means...
- I'm hungry = I'm hungry
- I'm tired = I'm tired
- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
- You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
- You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
- Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
- Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
- I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

A review for those thinking about retirement in your future
-- or if you already have retired, a review so you can see if you've made the correct choice...

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone ask s you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. ( Ed note: if you have a car)

You can retire to Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jim Bob, Jimmy Joe, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car .
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center to get her.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Humidity can necessitate a shower if you've walked from your front door to the car.
6. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

I had a guy compliment my shoes as a come one...

as in

"Hey nice shoes...wanna fuck?"

I wasn't sure wether to laugh or slap him

Miss_Pixie said:

I had a guy compliment my shoes as a come one...

as in

"Hey nice shoes...wanna fuck?"

I wasn't sure wether to laugh or slap him

Click to expand...

Well, did your shoes wanna fuck?

glynndah said:

Well, did your shoes wanna fuck?

Click to expand...

Hi Witchy!! Off the humor topic but how did your bottle cap collection go?
DG

Miss_Pixie said:

I had a guy compliment my shoes as a come one...

as in

"Hey nice shoes...wanna fuck?"

I wasn't sure wether to laugh or slap him

Click to expand...

Here you go, Miss Pixie...a whole thread of bad pick-up lines. Yours is in post #9.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=698722

ArcaMax Publishing > The Funnies > Jokes

Medical School Application Answers:
Why the idiot's application for Medical School got rejected.....

QUESTION: DEFINE THE FOLLOWING TERMS

Antibody: against everyone

Artery: the study of fine paintings

Bacteria: back door to a cafeteria

Benign: what you have after eight

Cardiology: advance study of poker playing

Cat Scan: searching for lost kitty

Chronic: neck of a crow

Coma: Punctuation mark

Cyst: short of Sister

Diagnosis: person with slanted nose

Dislocation: in this place

Duodenum: couple in jeans

Enema: not a friend

False Labor: pretending to work

Gallbladder: bladder in a girl

Hernia: she is close by

Hymen: greeting to several males

Labor Pain: hut at work

Lactose: person without digits on

Liposuction: a French Kiss

Lymph : walk unsteadily

Menopause: I no wait

Microbes: small dressing gowns

Obesity: city of Obe

Pacemaker: winner of Nobel Peace Prize

Protein: a favour of teens

Pulse: grain

Pus: small cat

Red Blood Count: Dracula

Rupture: ecstasy

Secretion: hiding anything

Serum: Sailors drink

Subcutaneous: not cute enough

Suture: Gujarati word for "what do you want"

Tablet: small table



This news arrived on: 06/18/2004

DG Hear said:

Hi Witchy!! Off the humor topic but how did your bottle cap collection go?
DG

Click to expand...

Oh, lord... I have five gallon ziploc bags full of caps to key in over the summer. I've done about ten {individual caps, not bags} so far.

glynndah said:

Oh, lord... I have five gallon ziploc bags full of caps to key in over the summer. I've done about ten {individual caps, not bags} so far.

Click to expand...

I stopped sending them cause I figured you probably had enough. If you still want them, let me know. I'll start saving them again.

DG Hear said:

I stopped sending them cause I figured you probably had enough. If you still want them, let me know. I'll start saving them again.

Click to expand...

The ones I can just copy and paste are wonderful. Please feel free to begin hoarding once more.

glynndah said:

The ones I can just copy and paste are wonderful. Please feel free to begin hoarding once more.

Click to expand...

Ok, I try to give you a boost. IF ANYONE DRINKS COCA-COLA PRODUCTS, glynndah, COLLECTS THEM FOR HER SCHOOL. JUST COPY THE NUMBER OFF THE LID OR BOX AND PM IT TO GLYNNDAH. SHE IS MOST APPRECATIVE AND A WONDERFUL WITCH.
THANK YOU
DG HEAR

DG Hear said:

Ok, I try to give you a boost. IF ANYONE DRINKS COCA-COLA PRODUCTS, glynndah, COLLECTS THEM FOR HER SCHOOL. JUST COPY THE NUMBER OFF THE LID OR BOX AND PM IT TO GLYNNDAH. SHE IS MOST APPRECATIVE AND A WONDERFUL WITCH.
THANK YOU
DG HEAR

Click to expand...

Oh, thank you so much, sweetie~

A from the good little witch.

What is the smallest hotel in the world?

What is the smallest hotel in the world ?
VAGINA INN
Becouse it can accommodate only one standing Member with his luggage hanging outside



Aussie kiss

Q. What's an Australian kiss?
A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman..

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... And nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her .... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.. '