Constructive Feedback Requested

I don't like to submit my stories until I'm satisfied with them. I always run them through an editor first, so when he gets back to me, I'll end up fixing it up, then sending it back and so on, which takes a couple weeks usually.

Anyway, I thought I could post it on here first to get some feedback regarding the story itself, and not the technical details.

For anyone wondering, I have posted on Lit before, but decided to start anew with a fresh ID.

So here's my story. It's the first of a series that revolves around the nine characters mentioned. I plan on writing several stories in the series. I don't necessarily plan on directly connecting them, they just all revolve around the same set of primary characters.

Download Link

Can you post the text here?

No. The poor man has tried--on another thread. As frequently noted (hint), the Web site doesn't welcome the posting of more than three paragraphs of a work on the forum, especially a work that hasn't been selected and published by the Web site already.

You're not helping.

Why did nobody mention the Story Discussion Circle? That's a good place to get feedback. Might wanna try there.