Humor Thread

The Movie Theater

A farmer went to see a movie. The ticket agent looked up from the cash register and asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The farmer replied, “Well, this here is my pet rooster, Clucky. Wherever I go Clucky goes.”

“I am sorry, sir,” the ticket agent said, “We can’t allow animals in the theater.”

The farmer went round the corner and stuffed Clucky down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater: He took a seat next to two old women. The movie started, and Clucky began to squirm. The farmer unzipped his pants so Clucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert,” the first woman said.

“What makes you think so?” her friend whispered.

“He unzipped his pants and has his thing out,” the first woman said.

“Well, don’t worry about it. At our age we’ve seen them all.”

“I thought so too,” the first woman said, “but this one’s eating my popcorn.

Hoarding Quarters

A teenage girl walked into a bank with several glass jars filled with quarters. After running them through the automated counting machine, the teller announced, “That comes to $793.75. Tell me, how long have you been hoarding all these quarters?”

“All year,” the girl replied, “but my sister whored half of them.”

OK, this one just cracked me up.

A husband and wife went to see a marriage counselor, who said to them, “Let’s start by talking about something the two of you have in common.”

The husband thought for a minute and said, “Well, neither of us sucks dick.”

Pre-booty Call Agreement

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we
need to repeat it in the morning.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks
before the events of the evening.

3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk
about.

4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.

5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading
with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't
ask.

6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are
called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town,
then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.

7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.

8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's
really none of your damn business.

10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we
are not friends, just fuck buddies.

11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK -
don't be offended.

12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving
anything behind when you leave.

13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so
get your ass up, get dressed, and go the fuck home.

14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it
- I don't care.

15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response
will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."

17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the
reason is less eye contact the better.

18. NO condoms, NO fucking. Carry your ass home.

19. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.

20. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling
back looking for your ass.

21. If going to a hotel room, we either split the cost, or alternate who's paying....you pay this time, I pay next.

22. Don't bring any of your friends with you, unless they're gonna join the party.

Here are some ways to really annoy people big time...

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog".

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.

Great Witticisms

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Born free... taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

If, a two letter word for futility

I don't care, I don't have to.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

All men are idiots ... I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.

Give pizza chants.

Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

Life's a buffet... so eat me!

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.

I love cats ... dead ones

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Where are we going? And why are we in this hand basket?

I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Spotted owl taste just like chicken.

Hang up and drive.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.

I have the body of a god... Buddha!

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy

If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Guns don't kill people... but they make it real easy.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Tow-ers will be violated

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

Entertainment at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!", said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

Spell Checker

Who needs an editor if you have a spell checker?
Me! That's who!

SPELL CHECK? WHAT SPELL CHECK?

SPELL CZECH

Eye halve a spelling chequer. It came with the pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word and weight for it to say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write. It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore too long.
And eye can put the error rite. It’s rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it, I am shore pleased two no.
Its letter perfect in it’s weigh. My chequer tolled me sew.

Hey DP, weren't you a sailor?

DOING 3 (K) NOTS

A retired sailor put on his old uniforms and headed for the docks. He found a prostitute, who took him to a motel. They started going at it. In need of some reassurance that he was as good as her younger clients, he asked, “How am I doing?”

The prostitute replied, “Well, sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”

“What does that mean,” he asked.

She said, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”

NEEDLE, GAS OR…

A man went to a dentist with a severe toothache. The dentist looked into his mouth and told him he’d have to pull out a rotten tooth. The man said, “Whatever it takes. I can’t stand the pain.”

The dentist took out a needle and the man said, “No, I’m scared to death of needles. Can you use something else to kill the pain?”

“Sure,” the dentist replied, “I’ll just give you some nitrous oxide instead.”

The man said, “No can do, Doc. I’m allergic to gas.” So the dentist gave him two Viagras.

“Will this dull the pain?” the man asked.

The dentist said, “No, but it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth.”

BLONDE DOES IT AGAIN

A blonde went to city hall to register to vote. The clerk asked her, “When’s your birthday?”

She replied, “10th of June.”

The clerk asked, “What year?”

The blonde replied, “Every year.”

Gee! I wonder what party she was affillated with?

Little Girl: "Grandma, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

Grandma: "Heavens no, child. There is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'Elect me and I promise to..."

TE999 said:

Little Girl: "Grandma, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

Grandma: "Heavens no, child. There is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'Elect me and I promise to..."

Click to expand...

Good One TE 999 I've heard that one for the last 60 years. haha

DG Hear said:

Good One TE 999 I've heard that one for the last 60 years. haha

Click to expand...

Unfortunately, so have I.

Call me Tom, DG. TE999 is so...formal...LOL.

You may have heard this one....

A man was sound asleep when he was woken by the rough shaking of the woman beside him.

"Shit, my husband just came home. You gotta get outta here."

The man leapt out of the bed, grabbing at his clothes in the dark, before bolting down the hallway and out the backdoor. He began to get dressed when he realized that this was his own house and the panicked woman was his own wife.

He stomped back into the the bedroom and pointed a finger at his wife.

"Hey, this is my home, you cheating whore!"

The wife looked calmly back at him and asked, "Then, why are you running out the back door?"

TE999 said:

Unfortunately, so have I.

Call me Tom, DG. TE999 is so...formal...LOL.

Click to expand...

If I can remember TE...uh!!! Tom. I'm old you know.
Just for the record, I've read a few of your stories. Your Damn good.
I don't read as much as I use to. Just get tired of reading; don't write as much either.

kromen said:

You may have heard this one....

A man was sound asleep when he was woken by the rough shaking of the woman beside him.

"Shit, my husband just came home. You gotta get outta here."

The man leapt out of the bed, grabbing at his clothes in the dark, before bolting down the hallway and out the backdoor. He began to get dressed when he realized that this was his own house and the panicked woman was his own wife.

He stomped back into the the bedroom and pointed a finger at his wife.

"Hey, this is my home, you cheating whore!"

The wife looked calmly back at him and asked, "Then, why are you running out the back door?"

Click to expand...

We don't mind repeat jokes and humor stories here. If you think it's funny, go ahead and post it. There's not to many readers going back to read what all has been posted.

Thanks for joining in our humor thread site.
DG

DG Hear said:

If I can remember TE...uh!!! Tom. I'm old you know.
Just for the record, I've read a few of your stories. Your Damn good.
I don't read as much as I use to. Just get tired of reading; don't write as much either.

Click to expand...

I blush, DG. Thanks for the compliment.

My story output has dwindled as well. I'm trying to perfect my craft and am having to un-learn some old habits...hence the more studied approach to writing.

You may be a member of the Taliban if...

1) You refine heroin to fund the cause, yet you have a moral objection to beer.

2) You own a $3,000.00 machine gun and a $5,000.00 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3) You have more wives than teeth.

4) You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean'.

5) You think vests come in two styles: Bulletproof and Suicide.

6) You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7) You consider television dangerous, but you routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8) You are amazed that cell phones have uses other than to set off roadside bombs.

9) You've often uttered the phrase: "I love what you've done with your cave."

10) You have nothing against women and you think every man should own at least one.

11) You bathe once a month even if it isn't necessary.

12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Sometimes Job Hunting Can Be Fun!

A man circled a job advertised in a Boston newspaper for the position titled “pussy shaver.” He called the number in the ad and asked what the job was about. A man explained, “Well, we make adult videos here in Boston, and we need someone to shave the actresses so they don’t have pubic hair. Are you single?”

The guy replied, “Sure am.”

The producer said, “Good. We’ve had trouble with married men who take the job. The wife gets jealous. Are you intimidated by beautiful women?”

The guy replied, “Not at all. I love them and they love me.”

The producer said, “Well, you sound perfect for the job. Can you be in New York on Monday?”

The guy said, “New York? I thought you said you were in Boston.”

The producer replied, “I am. But the line for interview stretches all the way to New York.

Hoohoo

True Story from Houston Medical Center ....

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo. According to the Nurse attending him, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.

3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

This is a joke from the internet about how the Mainstream media is trying to direct the election in favor of the Democrats... Kind of cute Oh! How they distort the news. Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing in Venice. The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any. The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice. They're admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff's cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft. Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry." She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope's hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard. She hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence. The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is: "Palin Can't Swim."

Sara Palin's song: Doin' What the Lord Tells Me

Doin’ What the Lord Tells Me

(To be sung to the tune of "Doin' what comes natur'lly", from the Broadway musical "Annie Get Your Gun", music and original lyrics by Irving Berlin. New lyrics by Gregory Bachelis.)

Folks are scared I’m not prepared

To govern if elected

But I’ll make a great V. P.

Doin’ what the Lord tells me

(Doin’ what the Lord tells her)



Gals like me could never see

The point of facts and figures

I’ve done well politic’lly

Doin’ what the Lord tells me

(Doin’ what the Lord tells her)



You don’t have to know much foreign affairs

When you can see Russia from your front porch stairs

From my earliest days in the PTA

Religious/social issues were my forte'

God advises me

(God advises her)



We have more oil than Texas, and as gov'nor of my state

I taxed oil's excess profits, which the voters thought was great

'Cause I was mayor of Wa sill ah, I don't need to look brainy

And by gosh I hope to be, as good a veep as Cheney

(as good a veep as Cheney)



As you know, the saying goes

The Devil's in the details

That's why I just let them be

Doin’ instead what God tells me

(Doin’ instead what God tells her)



Be not afraid, we've got it made

McCain and I are mavericks

I will help him fix D.C.

Doin’ what the Lord tells me

(Doin’ what the Lord tells her)

***********

Here are the original lyrics

Doin’ What comes Natur’lly

Folks are dumb where I come from, they ain’t had any learnin’

Still they’re happy as can be,

Doin’ what comes natur’lly (Doin’ what comes natur'lly)

Folks like us could never fuss with schools and books and learnin’

Still we’ve gone from A to Z,

Doin’ what comes natur'lly (Doin’ what comes natur’lly)

You don’t have to know how to read or write

When you’re out with a feller in the pale moonlight

You don’t have to look in a book to find

What he thinks of the moon and what is on his mind.

That comes natur’lly, (That comes natur’lly)

My uncle out in Texas, can't even write his name

He signs his checks with "X's", but they cash them just the same

If you saw my Paw and Maw, you'd know they had no learnin'

Still they raised a family,

Doin' what comes natur'lly (Doin' what comes natur'lly)

Important Notice:

DUE TO RECENT
BUDGET CUTS AND
THE RISING COST OF ELECTRICITY, GAS,
AND OIL,

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVEIENCE.

Sincerely,

The Government