Unsent Messages to Him/Her

Have you ever wanted to express yourself (edited)to someone, or to pour your heart out to One that You love... to feel a connection, to feel understood~~ yet you thought better of it? thought it may not be a good idea for one reason or another?

am i alone? *looking around, shy smiles*

i will be sharing my thoughts here.. not expecting responses... not wanting responses actually, just wanting to get it out... to know that at least it is being read........ ok, here goes~~





on a bed of nails she waits
... days turn into nights
responsibilities she's forgot
waiting for what is not

crushing expectations
ability unrealized
unknowing perception
acceptance ? demise


how are You?
nothing
in the middle
devoid of feeling one way or the other
comfortably numb

i love You and for all that You are to me, i thank You
i pray that You keep the main thing the main thing and remember that in everything i do, everywhere i go, everything i feel, every move i make, every step i take~~ it is with You, because You have given me strength to be me.. a part of You will live in me forever (first name)... *lowering her eyes...* Sir

i am happy .. i miss You .. for many reasons ~~ that i need not go into.. but i am happy Sir and i hope that means something to You... i am 'going into this pain' if You will, ... this journey.. my gardener's journey submissions have been cathartic to me.. the feedback, the interesting connections it has brought me... and it all began with You Sir, if You wanted the moon ~ i'd include the stars & write across the sky 'to Sir with Love' ....

... i feel so alive Sir.. so full of love & vitality~~ i have to tell You, i have referred to myself as *smiles* Your epiphany *smiling again*... everything i am results from what W/we created together... this has all been sooo incredibly sudden Sir.. and overwhelming, intense… major life changes happening here and i’ve never felt more ‘centered’ in my life~~ i’ve never known myself before i saw myself reflected in Your eyes~~

~~i will meet You one day and know You as i do in my heart, You are beautiful to me and i love You~~

Agony & Ecstasy mmmm *s*

Gripping caught entranced
Breathless at once
the crossbones, the skull
The name!
the line i’ve never walked
the line i’ve always sought
By breath caught
i couldn’t speak
You said come
i couldn’t move
Captured in your gaze
The look in your eyes
Entranced
Mesmerized
intrigued
Fascination total surprise
Hypnotized devoted
Aroused, awakened
Intensity, passion
Fierce blazing
uncontrollable fire
Caught off guard
shameful blush
Unable to hold back
immediate rush
Desirous sensations
Domination submission
Possession surrender
Agony & Ecstasy
~You & me~

*cleanin out my closet*

Why do you do this
What have I done
READ my emails
FEEL my LOVE

The desperation in my heart
Is You holding a knife
Keeping me from You
Not letting me inside

I’m resolute in my decision
“You musn’t call me, for every time you do
You steal the heart of me & break me in two”
This I intended to say to You
This afternoon on the phone
But hearing your voice I lost it
The words just wouldn’t come
At least not exactly that way
And even if they did,
I didn’t stand behind them
Because I still don’t believe
That what we had is gone
That there was never any depth
Never any truth to anything you said
That you were speaking from not your heart
but only your western mind
That we are not meant even to meet; not to share a glance
The tears are not lasting as long anymore,
I AM REGAINING MY STRENGTH AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It still hurts so
and I want to call you
but for what I have to ask?
To hear you suggest I promised you more
& never followed through?
Or suggested something I didn’t do?
Or drag you over the coals for a past indiscretion of yours?
the scars you would have would serve as reminders of how much you have grown ..
in your enlightened mind,
you would look upon them as stars, as beautiful reminders of insights & awareness’ that blessed your life; brought you to where you are now ~~
I know, this too shall pass, this pain I am enduring
and I will look upon it as a cherished time…
as I often do ……… it just hurts so bad to hear you throw so much guilt my way
when I have held nothing back from you ..
and you’re right, I did want something in return and that is wrong
…. Very wrong
and that is a lesson I’m learning right now
…… that I’ve know……..
but if we truly had the ‘connection’
the unity
the mutual communion I once believed to be so beautiful between us,
to be sooo true,
it wouldn’t be an expectation,
it would be MUTUAL,
it would be
IT WOULD BE SO
and that is what I believed it was
that is what Ive always--I guess, tried to recreate
my bad my mistake my lesson

lol

*wondering*


is it possible to change a thread title?? *giggles*

Re: lol

ethereal~minx said:

*wondering*


is it possible to change a thread title?? *giggles*

Click to expand...

Two things,..

One, you write beautifully, I really enjoyed reading all of the above.

Two, as far as I know the only way to change a thread title is to specifically have Laurel do it.

the path You've helped me see
it's been there all along
my reflection in Your eyes
gives me the courage to go on

yet the path i see before me
why i can't take that first step
~~~i need a supportive hand to hold
with these changes i need to accept

my life is changing so fast
so sudden the light so bright
i've made it this far alone
why am i afraid of the light?

the strength that brought me here
came from inside of me
with the relationship created
this gardener & her Tree

yet You are not with me
Your support for me is gone
my self-doubt is returning
i'm fighting to be strong



*to be continued*
...i need You

Re: Re: lol

Zaudika said:

Two things,..

One, you write beautifully, I really enjoyed reading all of the above.

Two, as far as I know the only way to change a thread title is to specifically have Laurel do it.

Click to expand...

thank you for your kind words. at this time, i write only to express the depth of my feelings~~ which are sooo wrought with conflicted emotions.....

nevertheless, thank you for your comment *smiles*.

They have a bdsm poetry thread in here somewhere, you ought to revive it.

rosco rathbone said:

They have a bdsm poetry thread in here somewhere, you ought to revive it.

Click to expand...

hmmm. my original intent was to create a thread for people to post letters that they'd like to send to specific individuals but chose not to for one reason or another... i have since discovered there is such a thread in existence *head falling in her hands w/ a heavy sigh* ...

not sure what to do at this point... it appears that this is my own little journal of personal feelings to my specific someOne~~~

please don't hesitate A/any & A/all to set me on the right path if this is inappropriate ...

thank you~ : }

to YOU!!!! OLIVE TREE

Must You logout when i log in
Or is it really just coincidence
God i’m not messaging You
i am leaving You alone
i am merely expressing myself
What is it that’s wrong
What have i done to You
Why do You do this to me
i have only love for You Sir
What lesson do i NOT see?
Do You even realize
With all You’ve helped me be
All i need to hear is
You believe in me
Your faith that i am strong
i am the person i perceive
The complete soul You’ve awakened
To the path in front of me
Encouragement from You
Hearing Your voice
Some sort of validation
To drown out the noise
Would it be different Sir if—
If i were posting pics ???
Would then i deserve Your praise
?
*tears…. Frustration… shame*
Sir You knew me before this
You know how i’ve grown
Does this not mean a thing to You?
It’s beyond All i’ve ever known!
And it scares the hell out of me
You matter to me
i believed in You
You gave me strength to find my wings
See the value inside myself to make my own heart sing
With You dismissing me~ me so easily detached
Was all of this a dream?
Do i return to my past?
Did i put my faith in myself based on nothing but deception?
Did i deceive myself? Confused self-perception?
WHY CAN”T YOU HELP ME?????????????????????????????????????????

For You

I don't know what I've done to silence you
And it makes me sad and scared.
Maybe I shouldn't have taken the step,
But losing you wasn't my fear.
I thought that you would understand,
you knew that side of me.
But please, my love, don't walk away...
Please don't set me free.
You know I love you deeply,
and you know I just want to learn.
The road that I've started on
Does not mean we have to take turns.
My heart never left you, and believe me
It never will.
If you want me to turn back, and stop my journey,
I'll do it, though my heart spills.
You're asking where I am at the moment,
I'm sure I've confused and scared you.
But if you ask me to step away from my path
I'll do it to show my love is true.

between me & the Olive Tree (long ago)

this gardener:
... with trepidation she kneels near........ silently she says a prayer hoping this man ...tears sting... hoping this wise and ever-so-patient Dom will one day see that His efforts with His gardener were not fruitless... "please see me as the me You know i can be.. the me You know i am... not the weak, insolent creature that i was... i have grown because of You~~ i am still growing because of You and i realize You have given me sooo much and i love You and i am sorry for disrespecting You, for trying to hurt You... in posting my 'this gardener's _______ '(feelings) here... and understanding my motivation for doing so.. i realized i wanted people in Your playground to somehow connect U/us & maybe make You feel guilty...
but my Olive Tree, my Sir
as i was trying to give title to one, i found the lesson in the pain... and the strength i gained from what i was going through... perhaps it wasn't a "Master" plan---maybe it was~~ either way Sir *respectful knowing smile* You gave me my inner strength.. You awakened in me my value, my worth ..... my entries now will include my 'lesson's learned' and my Olive Tree, my cherised Sir... You are the reason for my growth~~~ which is absolutely true"

if You would allow me to speak with You, i would apologize to You for my complete insolence! and my *shaking her head* ....

i have peace in my heart and You are there also... i tried to rip You out but that is not possible without hurting myself...

if You do not wish to speak to me, yes, a non-response will be understood and i will then leave Your side~~



her Olive Tree:
Have you learned?

you almost caused Me to lose a friendship over your own needs



this gardener:
i have learned that 'this too shall pass'... that just beyond my pain and confusion, wondrous surprises await... that i need to remain strong and with patience... to remember the lessons i have learned to this point~~~ yes, i have learned through all of this Sir...

i don't know how to respond to this. an apology does not seem acceptable, please tell me what specific behavior i need to address.... *praying to maintain her strength despite her own suffering & to think of Him..... *



her Olive Tree:
if that is how you feel then I guess you didn't learn much

and true, words wouldn't match behavior



this gardener:
i'm here before You... i am on my knees asking You to forgive me, asking for Your empathy ... if You do not believe i have learned very much, i need to be more clear in my answer to Your question. With You, i have learned to keep my faith in times that are the most difficult for me.. the times i tend to be impetuous are the times i need to be selfless and more aware there are lessons to be learned... Sir, it is not my intent to displease You... i believe it is my inexperience with D/s in addition to the confusingly sudden growth that may be causing or may have caused O/our conflicts... *crying* i don't know.... *wondering if there is any agreement in His heart for what she is saying* i am learning to respect myself enough and trust in myself enough to place my trust in another (You)... i've learned that what i've accused You of, applies to me too ... i've learned Sir i have... i have learned so much. what is it that i have not learned that is so important as to deny Your novice gardener Your love?



her Olive Tree:
it seems you have gained the wisdom needed

time will heal the pain you have caused

until then keep reading and asking Me questions



this gardener:
Sir, am i incorrect to believe that more than 50% of the questions i may have would come from within the relationship itself? i cannot think of any general questions i would have for You that would not pertain to a relationship with You. And... there is only so much i can read.

in re-reading this, it appears that i think there is a relationship between U/us... i do not believe that. i know there is not.
{time will heal the pain you have caused}
time and distance will heal the pain in my heart but Sir i'm afraid to see Your affection for another ... i do not want to disappoint You~~ for all that i've just gained, i cannot risk this again.
i don't know what to do but to You i'm still very very attached~ are there 'friendly' people that would be supportive w/ my 'newness' that You could point me to? i will respect Your wish to remain anonymous and i will do whatever You require... i do not want to ruin this 'path' again... i want to be a gardener that You will eventually come to admire!!!


her Olive Tree:
Ask any and all needed

no matter the context

I will respond when I can, as I am leaving for weekend now

you may email if needed

Re: For You

vixenshe said:

I don't know what I've done to silence you
And it makes me sad and scared.
Maybe I shouldn't have taken the step,
But losing you wasn't my fear.
I thought that you would understand,
you knew that side of me.

Click to expand...

Vixenshe, you write with feeling~~ and those exact words i
could have written myself *sad smiles* whether we're in the same position now or have been in the past, i share with you a knowing look & a compassionate smile... i hope love turns it around for you~~

btw girl~~ you are very sensual...thank you for sharing your pics- Vix *wink*

Re: between me & the Olive Tree (long ago)

ethereal~minx said:

this gardener:
her Olive Tree:
Ask any and all needed

no matter the context

I will respond when I can, as I am leaving for weekend now

you may email if needed

Click to expand...

~~ all communication has ceased ~~ this relationship severed ~~




sometimes (?) her words get in the way!

Sir *cough cough*

take two minutes now
to get you through this time
strength in what you know
in faith you must abide

close your eyes and breathe
feel it cleanse your soul
let loose of the fear
feel you becoming whole

it is as it's meant to be
right now as it is
don't force pain upon you
all is understood

close your eyes this time
and give thanks for this day
keep the light in your heart
and let faith guide your way

Ok... I gotta ask this...


Does anyone else think that maybe this ethereal~minx is really ~Dream~?





PBW

He and i know who i am... and Sir, i am --thankful for Your patient wisdom with me~~ regardless of what tomorrow brings i am finding within myself the strength & the insights to get me through these times of despair... the answers will come when they are supposed to .. i have faith inside, peace in my heart that tomorrow will bring what is meant to be... ... i'm realizing ! thank You.

friend

with open arms you are welcome
i will be here if you need
call for me i will answer
you can always count on me

we subs keep together
we maintain a bond of trust
i hope you understand this
you are one with us


and with that warm welcome
how could i feel the chill
the biting vicious projection
my words she thought concealed

judged on assumptions
no other view could be seen
her eyes were misreading this gardener
yet knowing nothing of me

my motivation was clearly stated
my message to you was direct
i was hiding nothing from you
i am left with a bit of regret

regardless of how we left off
i will always be here for you
when you need a sisters hand to hold
please remember mine is here too

*make me sick
physically ill
i want to puke
all over You
respect? for what
for You??? my god!

GGRRRRRRRRRR
sometimes You are worse than my *dirty words* DOG!!!!!!!!!!!*



blushing rage of course unspoken to Him~~ *rolling her beautiful brown eyes~~ that He has NEVER seen and ..... <writing&deleting> shaking her head..... * ~~

this is about it for now Sir. and *nodding* hope You have fun tonight entertaining Your friends.... ...


my behavior was not inappropriate in this instance~ being the Dom, please recognize and empathize ... *yikes* ... i am asking You to please call me on Friday.

musings

in the silence of the morning
i write what comes to mind
all throughout my day
and to another time

in Your loving arms
warm safe secure
then alone yet knowing
safe from all harm

with or without You
Your love sees me through
i have faith in my heart
love will carry U/us through

kneeling at Your side now
Sir i'm waiting for Your hand
beckoning me to come to You
to Your distant land

into Your outstretched arms
into Your comforting world
feeling Your love surround me
inhibitions come unfurled

then relaxing in Your warmth
& the magic of Your touch
Your hands captivating
telling me sooo much

everthing i've longed to hear
all You've longed to say
nothing matters now
i'm in Your arms today

& together W/we get lost
~tongues dancing on O/our skin
bodies moving in harmony
two Souls concordance begin

in the short and light of it
why do i do this
it is not really torture
at least right now it isn't

it's actually funny how i ride
this rollercoaster up and down
it tickles the tummy at times
and turns it all around

i was awakened to a point of view
from a very trusted friend
one who cares about me
more than i knew

he said 'perhaps He doesn't want to speak to you'
'did that ever cross your mind... He doesn't ever respond..
how long has it been this time?'
i of course knew the answer, but
i got a little defensive about You
he doesn't know You what could he know
he's my husband, what else would he say?
he doesn't like You
but i do know the answer it's in my heart
it's been there all along... but the belief in my heart remains
it's what's carried me through this far
and the love that has grown in my life
is not only the love i express for You
it's unconditional love i've found for me
that's made this journey RIGHT!


once again... i love You my fantasy, my ideal, my Dom, my wise Olive Tree~~~ this gardener has gained so much from You!

hold me closer Tiny Dancer
*sadness*
lay me down in sheets of linen
*tears*


inner strength is what she unearthed
in her impetuous gardening for her Tree
she unknowingly awakened a slow-dying soul
illuminating bright with passionate dreams



needing 'broke' ???
do i have a problem w/ authority
or should I be the authority?
*smiling to H/herself*
D or s hmmmm
how does one explore when one has no idea where to start?????


*mental note to ask most admired Domme~~ do you offer a mentoring program? and... how do I know what or who I am???*

lol~~~ i want to be-- i believe i am submissive but then struggle, is it that He is not strong enough? i do not trust in Him enough? (of course it was only online and i wouldn't have called it a rela--it was damaged at a very critical point and was never repaired)

.. why then do i have such a difficult time w/ it???
blahblahblah

ethereal~minx said:

lol~~~ i want to be-- i believe i am submissive but then struggle, is it that He is not strong enough? i do not trust in Him enough? (of course it was only online and i wouldn't have called it a rela--it was damaged at a very critical point and was never repaired)

.. why then do i have such a difficult time w/ it???
blahblahblah

Click to expand...

I've been reading your poetry, minx, and I've watched your struggle. This paragraph really speaks to me. Maybe it's not that he's not strong enough, maybe it is. Maybe it's a trust issue.. or maybe, he's just not the right one for you? You deserve to give so much love that I see in you to someone who will cherish it and return it, not to someone who seems to push you away. Maybe leave this 'Olive Tree' you speak of, and find a new one, who will understand more, and who will offer more of what you seek?

Beautiful works.

I once felt the same for the One who stood at the center of my universe. Unfortunately, maybe I was too scared, or something stopped me because She never knew how I felt. It can not be changed now, and I regret making my heart unknown to her.

Your words are heartfelt ethereal~minx. Thanks for sharing them.