Feedback Request: Minding The Babysitter

My first orgy/multiple partner story. Any feedback appreciated. Thank you.

https://www.literotica.com/s/minding-the-baby-sitter

Hi Ox.

I started reading your story but I can't get past the first few paragraphs.

A "babysitter" for women who are over 21? It's like you wanted to make them high school students, but knew Lit wouldn't allow that, and you overcompensated in the other direction. It might have been better if you just made them 18yo high school seniors, but graduate students? Threatening to ground people who are in their 20s? Then Mike says no boys and no going out at night? Sorry, but it's ridiculous.

The list of measurements for the characters isn't wrong, but feels perfunctory and isn't very interesting.

The switch to first person was jarring. I get why you did it, I think, but it took me out of the story while I sorted it out in my head. It could be that just a separator line would have helped, but to go from a 3d person intro to a first person POV didn't flow well.

This is just one person's opinion, others will vary. Do keep writing though -- it's the best way to get better at it.

"Chaperone" might have been more what you had in mind.

Hmmm... chaperone. Perhaps changing that one word in the title... and adding one sentence to the beginning of the story... Thanks for the input!

TheOxRocks said:

Hmmm... chaperone. Perhaps changing that one word in the title... and adding one sentence to the beginning of the story... Thanks for the input!

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