Story Discussion: November 20, 2018. Private Self: Chapter 1 by Lusty...

Hello writers of Literotica,

Brief description: MILF reawakens her inner pervert with younger man.

Length: Short 1 (Lit) page

Brief background about me: This is my first erotic story on Lit. I have a professional performance background, and a love for storytelling. I have written for public performance a few times (for others and myself), but erotica is a new genre for me.

https://www.literotica.com/s/private-self-ch-01

Next post will address what feedback I am hoping to receive.

Author's Questions to writers of Lit

I would appreciate constructive criticism, please. If you offer feedback, I’d really like to know WHY something is working, or not working.

BTW, I use British spelling mostly, I am Canadian/Australian and that’s what we do. E.g favourite, colour, etc.

I am not sensitive to criticism, I’m used to it as a performer. So, you are welcome to post here, or pm me. It’s called ”work”, and I fully expect that I will have to work to improve. That said, if you are simply a reader, and you enjoyed it I would love to hear that. It’s very exciting if someone out there likes it and/or is aroused by it!

Question 1: Does the reader go along the journey with the protagonist? i.e. Is she relatable, can the reader identify with protagonist (men or women or non-binary)?

Question 2: Is the reader interested in hearing what happens next?

Question 3: I launch straight into sex, and the protagonist's sexuality. It is a journey of her reawakening.
My gut says it's ok, no more exposition is needed as this will be a short story, in all probability.

Thank you, in advance, to anyone who takes the time to provide feedback. I appreciate your time and help!

Should I be on the "Story Feedback" forum instead?
This "Story Discussion Circle" looked more structured and formal. I am hoping to receive feedback from experienced writers, specifically. The other forum looks a bit more like walking into a lion's den? Should I stay or should I go?
Thank you!

Lustymarriedmomcantgetenough said:

Should I be on the "Story Feedback" forum instead?
This "Story Discussion Circle" looked more structured and formal. I am hoping to receive feedback from experienced writers, specifically. The other forum looks a bit more like walking into a lion's den? Should I stay or should I go?
Thank you!

Click to expand...

If your story has posted to Lit, and you have specific concerns and/or questions, SDC is the right forum.

Here's a few thoughts I hope you find helpful:

Firstly, I would say the overall standard of writing is ok. There is a flow that is mostly alright to follow. If this is your first attempt at writing erotic fiction then it is a reasonable starting point.

I don't really read a great deal of stories about women who are older than myself and it's not something that normally does much for me, so I perhaps didn't find your story as arousing as some others would. Nevertheless, I felt a slight stirring at one or two points. For instance, this passage was particularly strong:

"I grab my favourite vibrator from my bedside table drawer because I want to come NOW. I press the button 3 times for the fastest, hardest speed and put it carefully near my clit. It makes my stomach muscles tighten, and I crunch in a little."

I like the capitalisation of the word 'NOW' to express her sense of urgency. I also find the description of tightening stomach muscles and the crunching inwards to be particularly evocative.

"...like a long wordless plea"

This is also a lovely description. It conjures a picture for me.

Now in answer to your specific questions:

Firstly, yes I do find the protagonist somewhat relatable, but not much. However, I don't think my inability to relate to her is necessarily all due to failings on your part. As I said, I don't really go in for stories about older women. What I would say is that I think you succeed in giving her a voice that sounds consistent, which is very important in first-person prose. I'm beginning to get a sense of her character from reading this passage.

Would I want to find out what happens next? Perhaps, but not especially. In fact I think this works quite well as a stand alone piece. Nonetheless, I can see how this chapter would set up a longer story if that's your intention. To the right audience it would draw them in to find out more.

Finally, I don't actually know what you're asking with 'Question 3'?

Now for some constructive criticisms:

"I think he's found his people at school. He really is so handsome, I think, as I watch him brush his hair from his eyes. He is Eurasian; the Asian part is from me, his Chinese mum. In ethnicity only.”

In this passage you use "he's" and then shortly afterwards you use "he is". This happens all over your piece and the inconsistency is grating. In general I think most readers would find "he is" to be far too formal for fiction.

"...but I'm not sure I am a Dominant."

It happens again here with "I'm" and "I am". There are circumstances where you might choose to use "I am" rather than "I'm" but these are few and far between. The same goes for "he had" versus "he's", "I had" versus "I'd" and so on. This is something I would recommend addressing throughout the piece.

"I tried threesomes a few times. Several anal adventures. I had sex with a lot of people, men and women. Strangers. And of course, I tried the big black cock."

This passage shows your tendency to use very short sentences. In general, this is something I like to see in prose. However, I would suggest you take it too far. Some sentences such as "Several anal adventures" simply don't make sense in isolation and therefore would work better as part of a longer sentence with improved structure. Of course, writers can occasionally break these grammatical rules and do so effectively. However, for me, grammatical rules should be broken only very rarely and very carefully. You do it far too often. I would write that same passage something like this:

I've tried the odd threesome, a few anal adventures, sex with strangers and (of course) the big black cock. In fact, I've had a lot of sex with a lot of different people - both men and women.

Another issue I would observe is that occasionally the flow of ideas in your story doesn't quite make sense to me. The best example of this I can find is your passage on the protagonist's online activities. This paragraph concludes with the following:

"Now you can meet perverts from all over the world on your smartphone, and do anything from chatting to finding a sub to dominate. And one can discover new subversive acts to try. So, I started chatting, and over many months, one thing led to another. Let's just say I went down a rabbit hole."

The paragraph that follows this begins "I was 23 when I accidentally got pregnant with my former husband." Personally, I struggle to see how we went from a discussion about the protagonist's online relationships to a reflection of her past and how she got pregnant. It makes for a jarring jump in the reader's mind. We don't return to the subject of her online relationships until later in the story and when we do it's once again a big jump in the direction of the prose. I would suggest looking at this. You need to be careful about the way your story flows and be sensitive to your reader who is doing their best to follow along. Try not to jump randomly from one idea to another but make sure each paragraph leads into the next. If you want your reader to get aroused you need to make sure their mind is not pre-occupied with making sense of everything.

I'll share a few final thoughts on the above passage. This includes the following sentence "And one can discover new subversive acts to try." Personally, I would be very careful starting sentences with 'And'. For the most part I avoid doing this and there are plenty of grammatical traditionalists out there who would argue it should never happen. Some writers make it work, but do so by writing with excellent clarity of meaning. In this example it makes no sense to structure your writing this way. As an alternative you could consider something along these lines:

Nowadays, it's possible to meet perverts from all over the world just by using your smartphone. You can do anything online from chatting or sexting to finding a Dom or a sub. I've discovered it's even possible to learn about new subversive acts to try, should the opportunity arise. Once I started chatting one thing led to another and over the course of many months I ended up down a rabbit hole.

I think this is a good first story. It's short, and there's not much in the way of dramatic conflict, which is what I like to see to make a story really first-rate, but it's good as a narrative of a short erotic episode.

The single most important thing the story is lacking, in my view, is a focused narrative. What this story is "about" is, basically: Ms. C sees her son's friend through a window, he turns her on, and she masturbates thinking about him. That's a perfectly good subject for a successful erotic story. But much of the rest that leads to the masturbation episode seems to me to be unnecessary filler. There's too much about the ex-husband and her past sexual experience. An erotic story, as much as any other type of story, thrives off tension and conflict. There really isn't any here, but there could be. Perhaps she's ashamed about having thoughts about a young man. Maybe he gave her a look once while her son was around. Something. The narration about her ex and about Mike seems disconnected from this.

So, I think it would be better if there was a little more in the setup about her relationship with Ryan, and less about other people. For instance, you could expand the scene she recalls about the cheeky wink. Throw in some more dialogue into that scene. That would serve two purposes: foreshadowing what happens at the end of the chapter, and breaking up your long narrative paragraphs.

I think the masturbation scene could be longer. It went by very quickly. There was lots of backstory, and then a very quick masturbation scene.

There are matters of style and word choice that I might change, but they're too nitpicky to make a point of. I see what delicious_man is getting at but I'm not sure I agree. Your narrative has an informal, conversational style. So using short incomplete sentences, and mixing up "I'm" with "I am" isn't a bad thing. People talk that way. I tend to avoid incomplete sentences in my narration, but that's a matter of personal taste.

Keep writing!

Hi Lustymarriedmomcantgetenough,

Asking for any criticism on the internet can be a bit like stepping into a lion's den. Kudos for being brave!

Does the reader go along the journey with the protagonist? I didn't. Sorry.

Is she relatable, can the reader identify with protagonist? Yes, but I just didn't feel involved with her situation.

Is the reader interested in hearing what happens next? Not me.

I launch straight into sex, and the protagonist's sexuality. It is a journey of her reawakening. My gut says it's ok, no more exposition is needed as this will be a short story, in all probability.

The implied inquiry about exposition helped me feel a lot less like a lion regarding what I have to say about your story. I don't think you quite launched straight into the sex at all; you have a thousand or so words of assorted exposition first. I'm not trying to be cruel here, but that's just such a tedious way to present a character. Many novice writers imagine they need to set the stage and tell the reader ever so many things right away, when the opposite is usually true.

Show me a person with a goal and I'm probably along for the ride. A classic is a character rushing. Where is this person going in such a hurry? And why? Desire to know these things is why I would read more. I don't need to know a character's entire history to go along with her as she rushes to catch her bus-- and misses it.

You clearly have imagination and have put a lot of thought into your character, I just think you're just not presenting her in the most interesting way.

Am I correct in believing the protagonist is going to have a relationship with Ryan? If so, when does she, or someone else, do something that sets the proverbial wheels in motion for this relationship to occur? Is there some obstacle for the characters to overcome before they can be together? Literary sex can be so much more satisfying when the characters have to earn their time together.

My hunch for the ideal moment to start this story is when Ryan winks at her. What if she winks back, either in play or jest? He pumps his brow and says, "It's a date then, see you around," before going outside. If I read that, I'd be curious, right along with her, what he really meant by that. I'd be with her watching him play basketball, looking for a clue. What happens if he catches her watching? I don't need to know all this other stuff to be with her, right then.

Am I making any sense, or am I just being one of the lions?

Take Care,
Penny

Thank you delicious_man

Thank you very much for taking the time to provide thoughts you and constructive feedback.
Especially " If you want your reader to get aroused you need to make sure their mind is not pre-occupied with making sense of everything."
I will keep all in mind for next attempt.
Thank you again for the help!

Thank you SimonDoom

SimonDoom said:

I think this is a good first story. It's short, and there's not much in the way of dramatic conflict, which is what I like to see to make a story really first-rate, but it's good as a narrative of a short erotic episode.

The single most important thing the story is lacking, in my view, is a focused narrative. What this story is "about" is, basically: Ms. C sees her son's friend through a window, he turns her on, and she masturbates thinking about him. That's a perfectly good subject for a successful erotic story. But much of the rest that leads to the masturbation episode seems to me to be unnecessary filler. There's too much about the ex-husband and her past sexual experience. An erotic story, as much as any other type of story, thrives off tension and conflict. There really isn't any here, but there could be. Perhaps she's ashamed about having thoughts about a young man. Maybe he gave her a look once while her son was around. Something. The narration about her ex and about Mike seems disconnected from this.

So, I think it would be better if there was a little more in the setup about her relationship with Ryan, and less about other people. For instance, you could expand the scene she recalls about the cheeky wink. Throw in some more dialogue into that scene. That would serve two purposes: foreshadowing what happens at the end of the chapter, and breaking up your long narrative paragraphs.

I think the masturbation scene could be longer. It went by very quickly. There was lots of backstory, and then a very quick masturbation scene.

There are matters of style and word choice that I might change, but they're too nitpicky to make a point of. I see what delicious_man is getting at but I'm not sure I agree. Your narrative has an informal, conversational style. So using short incomplete sentences, and mixing up "I'm" with "I am" isn't a bad thing. People talk that way. I tend to avoid incomplete sentences in my narration, but that's a matter of personal taste.

Keep writing!

Click to expand...

Thank you for your feedback, and encouragement.
Yes, I had written this in a train of thought, and very conversational, as it is first person. In part, it's probably from my theatre background, (except classics) where people talk as they talk, not necessarily proper grammar or accent...
I duly noted that it can be grammatically grating for some.
I think perhaps, in writing this chapter there are many possibilities to what will happen next. Will she continue to have encounters online? Will she seduce Ryan or be seduced? There is even possibility of her son's girlfriend or her ex husband. Admittedly, no idea what is going to happen next.

But I take your point that in such a short piece the narrative can be economised, leaving other aspects of her thoughts and life for later adventure. I did not and do not have an overall plot planned. It was simply a stab at it.
Good feedback. Thanks!

Thank you to Penelope Street

Penelope Street said:

Hi Lustymarriedmomcantgetenough,

Asking for any criticism on the internet can be a bit like stepping into a lion's den. Kudos for being brave!

Does the reader go along the journey with the protagonist? I didn't. Sorry.

Is she relatable, can the reader identify with protagonist? Yes, but I just didn't feel involved with her situation.

Is the reader interested in hearing what happens next? Not me.

I launch straight into sex, and the protagonist's sexuality. It is a journey of her reawakening. My gut says it's ok, no more exposition is needed as this will be a short story, in all probability.

The implied inquiry about exposition helped me feel a lot less like a lion regarding what I have to say about your story. I don't think you quite launched straight into the sex at all; you have a thousand or so words of assorted exposition first. I'm not trying to be cruel here, but that's just such a tedious way to present a character. Many novice writers imagine they need to set the stage and tell the reader ever so many things right away, when the opposite is usually true.

Show me a person with a goal and I'm probably along for the ride. A classic is a character rushing. Where is this person going in such a hurry? And why? Desire to know these things is why I would read more. I don't need to know a character's entire history to go along with her as she rushes to catch her bus-- and misses it.

You clearly have imagination and have put a lot of thought into your character, I just think you're just not presenting her in the most interesting way.

Am I correct in believing the protagonist is going to have a relationship with Ryan? If so, when does she, or someone else, do something that sets the proverbial wheels in motion for this relationship to occur? Is there some obstacle for the characters to overcome before they can be together? Literary sex can be so much more satisfying when the characters have to earn their time together.

My hunch for the ideal moment to start this story is when Ryan winks at her. What if she winks back, either in play or jest? He pumps his brow and says, "It's a date then, see you around," before going outside. If I read that, I'd be curious, right along with her, what he really meant by that. I'd be with her watching him play basketball, looking for a clue. What happens if he catches her watching? I don't need to know all this other stuff to be with her, right then.

Am I making any sense, or am I just being one of the lions?

Take Care,
Penny

Click to expand...

You are making sense. Completely. No lions. As I mentioned, I'm not overly sensitive, but looking to learn.
"Show me a person with a goal and I'm probably along for the ride"
Yup. Me too. As opposed to things just happening to the character, much more active if they are actively making decisions.
"My hunch for the ideal moment to start this story is when Ryan winks at her"
Yes, I think by "setting the stage", with such a short piece, it did stall what the reader wants, for something to happen. I should have gone right to the action, and then how she reacts.

Good points, all.
Thank you for your time and consideration!

SimonDoom makes a good observation about your conversational tone. This is what I was getting at when I said your protagonist has a "consistent voice". If you write in first person then the prose has to sound like a person speaking. I would say you largely achieve this, which is not necessarily an easy thing to do.

I'm aware that many of my comments relating to grammar are points on which some writers would disagree. Certainly, it's true that you don't want to write with a more traditionally 'correct' grammar if you lose that conversational style you have. There is a balance to strike here. Much of it comes down to personal style and choice. Everybody writes differently and this is one of the beautiful things about writing.

The other observation SimonDoom makes about lack of conflict is significant and I would agree wholeheartedly on this one. At the moment the work lacks conflict and tension. I would consider writing a story like this with an element of inner turmoil and look to play upon the conflicted feelings the protagonist might be feeling. If your protagonist was fighting with her desire for Ryan - trying to suppress the thoughts she's experiencing about him (perhaps she considers her lust for him 'wrong' given their age gap?) - then that could make for a more absorbing read. Were she to eventually give in to these feelings then that could make for a satisfying culmination of tension built up in the narrative.

I certainly hope that I can incorporate the excellent feedback for a very much improved 2nd story...soonish after I mull it over.
You have all helped tremendously and I thank you kindly.

Thank you for reading Private Self Ch. 1! (Edited version is pending; same story but with improvements from lit writers' feedback.)
Also, thank you to members who have commented with encouragement, and those who are following me!

Follow Mrs.C's exploration:

Private Self Ch. 2 is now available to read @
https://www.literotica.com/s/private-self-ch-02

Private Self Ch. 3 https://www.literotica.com/s/private-self-ch-03


- Lusty

I've only read the first few paragraphs of you first story and I congratulate you for your first attempt at writing stories for free for Literotica, but it is too passive; ie, this happened, and that happened, etc. It needs to be more personal and immediate. For example, instead of:

"On a sunny Saturday afternoon in June, I wash the dishes in the sink and look at the bright scene outside the window in front of me. At the side of the house, in between the house and the neighbour's brown wooden fence, is the driveway to our detached garage where Rhys is playing basketball with his friend. I know his friend from many previous visits, and the sports teams they used to play together in high school. We haven't seen Ryan in a while though, and not very often since they graduated two years ago. I hadn't met a lot of Rhys' university friends. Except for his girlfriend, who is nice enough, if not a little...silly. Or maybe I make her nervous, I don't know.

It could be something more like:

"On a sunny sunny Saturday afternoon in June while I was washing the dishes in the kitchen sink, I noticed my son Rhys playing basketball with his friend Ryan. I didn't know Ryan very well and had met his girlfriend a couple of times. She was nice enough, but somehow a bit "different" than other girls her age."

My favorite English teacher always taught me to use as few words as possible to convey a thought or image as succinctly as possible. .

If you would like me to review your story, please contact me via a private message.