On Sin and Paradox

Garden Snake

Can you believe
They actually buy that shit
She and I
Apple and kiss
Down in the garden
Down in the grass
Making out like there was no tomorrow?

There was no tomorrow!
Eternal paradise, he said
All God's creatures, he said
It was perfectly innocent
It had to be
He hadn't even invented sin yet

So yeah, I fucked her
I told her about the tree
Licked the juice
From her fingers
And she loved it

She had no shame
The fig leaf was a tease
A little strip show for her man
And I was into it
More and merrier
And a chance to get a closer look
At a human cock
A monster in my own image

I would have fucked him too
It would have been grand
But Adam was a prick
He freaked out
And ran off to tell Daddy

He didn't even touch the fruit
Not until later
Not until I was out of the picture

That's how she learned shame
Big Daddy God
Waving his finger
Flipping us off
With his flaming sword

He even wrote it down
Before she learned to read
"Though shalt not fuck snakes"

She didn't listen though
She still comes down
To lay in the grass
Garden is long gone
And she feels guilty now
All the time
But I still lick her pussy
Try to make her feel
Good
Like she did back then

I've asked her to leave them
Her husband
Her daddy
They never treated her right
But she loves them
She blames me
For everything

But she still cums.

Poetry

I welcome feedback and comments, or discourse in verse form. Whatever.

Love and Lady Death

Oh Persephone
Open up your cleft for me.
I need to descend
Down into you
You underworld
You shadow harlot.
I got me some rigormortis
Makes me hard.
I'm a hard hard man.
I've got the stones
To get you stoned
Out cold and floating in the deep end.
Is it still necrophilia
If the corpse I'm loving
Is my own dead bone?
Or do I escape
Convictions of rape
If the goddess herself
Bends me over the throne?
I'm willing to take
Anything I can dish out.

I think you'd have a better poem in Garden Snake if you removed Stanzas 7 and 8. Flaming swords do little other than conjure up associations with Allah. The commandment about fucking snakes is just absurdly over the top - like jumping the shark in a television show about jumping sharks.

Love and Lady Death - consider merging Lines 3 & 4 after removing "down". Direction is already implied.

Magnetron said:

I think you'd have a better poem in Garden Snake if you removed Stanzas 7 and 8. Flaming swords do little other than conjure up associations with Allah. The commandment about fucking snakes is just absurdly over the top - like jumping the shark in a television show about jumping sharks.

Love and Lady Death - consider merging Lines 3 & 4 after removing "down". Direction is already implied.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the feedback. I'll play around with those suggestions and see how it feels.