Feedback on Valentine's Day Story

So, I'm new but I have three chapters of one story published and the fourth is ready to go. I also have the first chapters done of two other stories, each of which have the second chapters at least started. I also have 2 stories in the planning stage that are being sketched out.

What I entered for the Valentine's Day Contest is easily the most idiosyncratic story I've worked on. I purposefully have one character engaging in highly stylized dialogue that no other characters utilize. It's like dropping someone from a telenovela into The Wire.

It's the only time that I've written something where I didn't much care what the audience would think. I enjoyed writing that one character and I enjoyed messing around with some themes that had been rumbling around in my brain for a while, so if people liked it, cool. If they thought it was too odd, that's fine. If they thought it was just bad, that's ok too.

I'd appreciate your thoughts. It's two pages long and it's in the Sci-Fi category.

Here it is: Remembrances Denied

Hey Bebop3,

I've been meaning to read you after seeing you around the AH for the last few weeks. I'm glad this thread showed up right when I had some time on my hands.

I just read Remembrances Denied. That was a really great sci-fi short story; a clever, complex plot distilled down to a quick read. At various points in the story it reminded me of Ender's Game, Soulminder, Total Recall, and the holodeck baseball games in DS9. That you managed to do all of that in less than 8,000 words is quite an accomplishment.

It's odd. I came to Literotica originally for the sex scenes. I used to think that's what everyone wanted. I've been quite surprised to discover that since I started writing and participating in the forums, all of my favorite stories focus less on the smut and just have good solid stories at their core. I think I have to count Remembrances Denied among them.

I'm not sure when or if I'll find time to read Siblings Estranged, but I look forward to seeing what else you come up with.

LoquiSordidaAdMe said:

It's odd. I came to Literotica originally for the sex scenes. I used to think that's what everyone wanted. I've been quite surprised to discover that since I started writing and participating in the forums, all of my favorite stories focus less on the smut and just have good solid stories at their core. I think I have to count.

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Stroke 2, 3, stroke 2, 3. I'm bored.

Oh look, someone with a story, with real characters, emotions, motives and stuff; that's good, that'll engage the brain. Whoa, look, wetness, hard - now this writer's doubly got it! Good story telling with kinky bits, what's not to like?

Bebop3, I'm someone who raised himself on old-school sci-fi and Doctor Who. Your tale had touches of eighties DW nostalgia to it (and that's a good thing). I was half expecting Lady Romana to walk through the door (the Mary Tamm Romana, not the blonde one).

electricblue66 said:

I'm someone who raised himself on old-school sci-fi and Doctor Who.

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Tom Baker?

LoquiSordidaAdMe said:

Tom Baker?

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My first Doctor was Patrick Troughton (#2).

Mary Tamm's Romana was Tom Baker era, yes.

Thanks. I appreciate you folks (gender neutral, 'cause I aint got a clue) taking a look.

I'm assuming that 'amused' wasn't the reaction he/she was looking for, but a reader called me an asshole for using a word they weren't familiar with. It seemed to irritate them that they had to look up 'pathos'.

Comments on Lit can get weird.

Bebop3 said:

I'm assuming that 'amused' wasn't the reaction he/she was looking for, but a reader called me an asshole for using a word they weren't familiar with. It seemed to irritate them that they had to look up 'pathos'.

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Now that truly is ... wait for it, what for it ... pathetic. "Uhh, wotz he doing, is that a pun? Wotz a pun?"

I sometimes wonder if people really are that stupid and what it must be like to be like them. And everyday, they prove themselves, out themselves, and yep, they really are that dumb. It goes to reason, when you think that half the people you're going to get reading your stories are, on average, below average.

Cater for the other half - and this is why I shake my head at those who think every comment is important. No, it's demonstrably not.