New to masochism and feeling.. down ?

I know this post is a bit long, but I'm new to both this forum and BDSM in general and would really appreciate advice from more expert members!!

I recently discovered I'm a masochist bottom (not submissive though) and I have a play partner who is a dom and a huge sadist. I had my first scene three days ago, but we've played at least 10 times since then.. I was on a high after the first few days, but todays scene was a bit different.

I wasn't in the best mindset going into it (hangover, anxiety, brain fog) but he was extra intense. Although he made sure I got the proper aftercare, I'm feeling down and blue now. Even during the scene it felt wrong, I couldn't quite get into it, or rather stay in it. Which made me struggle to get away, and I was forced to submit, turning me on so much, then I felt guilty for not respecting my feelings and I felt out of it again, making me struggle and the pain more intense. This of course dropped me back into subspace and this cycle repeated itself. I know I have a safe word, and I have had to use it during a particularly painful scene but I didn't this time.. I don't know why. Since the scene finished a few hours ago, I've been quiet down.

It's probably just sub drop, but I'm also wondering if any of this is for me. I'm feeling guilty for disrespecting my body and worried that if I get into BDSM, I'll be quite alienated from my vanilla life. I know I don't have to be, but I already feel different. I don't know how to explain this, I don't know if anyone understands what I'm going through. Any advice would be appreciated.

It's not "just a sub drop". I think you should view it as an important lesson to yourself.

Like anything else, BDSM play requires certain mood to participate in. No matter how big a Dom or Bottom you are - there will be times where you aren't feeling like doing it.

It is very important for yourself and your Dom to learn to recognize those days, and not mess with them. If you feel like you are not up for it - opt out. Just tell your Dom that today you aren't feeling like playing. Don't let him push you into it - hold your ground, even if you were a hardcore submissive.
If he tries to push even then - it's a bit of a red flag, and you should have a serious discussion with him.

If you feel that something is not well during the scene, if you aren't enjoying it - use a safeword and stop everything. By bottling your feelings inside, you are only making a disservice to yourself and your Dom. You are creating negative feelings that will be associated with him and your relationship, and may hurt your relationship in the ling run.

It is always best to stop everything and figure out what is wrong. You've just started playing, you can afford to take as much time to figure it out.

Last, but not least - you should try to never play when your state of mind is not perfectly clear. Hangover, or even worse - state of intoxication; even just feeling very sleepy or tired is not the right thing to play. Make it a rule for yourself to only do BDSM whenever you are perfectly clear in the head.

Okay, OP.

Now that Nez has told you what you should have done, but didn’t, move on.
No blame or scolding.

Did you talk to your top after?
Does he know you feel this way?
Since the 2 of you were the only 2 there, talk. See if he noticed something. Talk to him about his intensity in juxtaposition with your feelings of not being into it.

Please...Don’t feel guilty for not opting out. You were in the moment. It was intense. It is not your fault. You didn’t betray yourself. You just got caught up in something very intense.

Maybe take a step back and breathe.

Please treat yourself well. Do something you enjoy. Talk to a trusted friend. You are still here and you are still real.
I hope you continue to post.
Welcome.

Also. I read your post again.

What do you mean by forced to submit?

First of all, stop blaming yourself for feeling the way you do. What you’re experiencing is more than likely a mixture of you coming down off the initial high every new relationship brings with it, coupled with the intense emotions associated with exploring new territory sexually, and that’s not anyone’s fault. It’s called novelty, it cannot be sustained, and that’s not a bad thing. So check your guilt. It’s not a race, you don’t have to try and cram a lifetime’s worth of experiences into the first week, and while I know it’s certinly tempting to try, there’s no rush.

Like Fara said, this is something you two should discuss, as it’s important to make sure you’re both on the same page, especially since you’re new to this. Neither of you are mind readers, and regardless of what labels are placed on/dynamic you have with your partner, no relationship will work if you don’t communicate with each other openly and honestly about the shit that matters. Some days, you’re just not going to be feeling it, and it’s not a good idea to force yourself to do something or engage in play if your head’s not in the right place. This is especially true in regards to any kind of rough play, as bottling up your emotions, lying about how you feel, and withdrawing from your partner are all counter intuitive in regards to purpose and are going to achieve pretty much the exact opposite of the desired effect ( i.e. how you feel right now, as opposed to the walking on sunshine feeling you had ). Point is, if you’re not going to enjoy it and it’s not going give you what you need, then wait until you will and it will.

As far as the whole “ forced to submit “ thing goes, yeah that’s great in the moment, but underneath all the shiny new leather, nipple clamps, gags, and leashes, you’re still a person. None of these new things overrides that, so don’t go trying to switch things off and “ power through it “. Take breaks when you need them, then come back refreshed, sensitive, and aching for it with no doubts about what you need and how to beg for it properly.

Also, your post isn’t long, my answer is just as long( if not longer ). You’re fine.

Now that Nez has told you what you should have done, but didn’t

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OMG, your ass is still torn up by me?

To be fair, I told what she should do in the future. What anyone should do, really. It's not a reason to blame oneself, but the entire situation as described was a mistake - one that can be learned from.

Nezhul said:

OMG, your ass is still torn up by me?

To be fair, I told what she should do in the future. What anyone should do, really. It's not a reason to blame oneself, but the entire situation as described was a mistake - one that can be learned from.

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No. I’m simply disagreeing with you.


Chiding can come later. Or lessons learned.
What about a little care?

I think you can't really give care via a forum post. People close to ehr - relatives, friends, her partner - are those who can supply care.

It's a bit more important to let her understand what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future. There's no "later" when this can be done, on forum board.

Nezhul said:

I think you can't really give care via a forum post. People close to ehr - relatives, friends, her partner - are those who can supply care.

It's a bit more important to let her understand what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future. There's no "later" when this can be done, on forum board.

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She came here for support.

In a thread where someone is asking for your advice, do you think it's wise to be fighting in that very thread? Confidence in any advice you might give, tends to fade rather quickly.

I wasn't in the best mindset going into it

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If you feel like shit going in chances are you're going to feel like shit coming out. This can actually work in reverse order as well. That is a sadist might not be "feeling it" if they're not "In the right mindset" either. If it "Feels like an obligation" (be it form others or from even yourself. Possible if something was pre-planned) then you might want to consider the possibility of forcing yourself to "just do it" for the sake of doing it. This doesn't mean either party doesn't want too, it simply means there's other factors at play then going "Stab and ouch". Even just talking to each other and finding out why you're in an "off" mindset can help "set the mood". Or even just being there in other ways combined with the S/M ways at the same time (caring as well as cruel at the same time for example). One can be cruel and sadistic while listening to what's on your mind after all.

ladytalulah said:

I wasn't in the best mindset going into it (hangover, anxiety, brain fog) but he was extra intense. Although he made sure I got the proper aftercare, I'm feeling down and blue now. Even during the scene it felt wrong, I couldn't quite get into it, or rather stay in it...

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Just a couple things to mention. First, if at any point, it "feels wrong" that's your cue to stop, take a break, discuss, get in the right mind space...whatever you need.

Also, the proper aftercare includes making sure you're okay physically and emotionally. In order for your Dom to do that, you have to communicate openly and honestly. If you're unsure how you felt about something, or confused, or definitely did or didn't like a particular thing - share that. Don't try to let it go until you can figure it out on your own.

And finally, feeling guilty or beating yourself up over what you could have or should have done serves no purpose but to make you feel worse. I think Necro gave the best advice. To me, what you described sounds like a common issue for someone just starting out on this journey. You're going to discover lots of things about yourself, likes and dislikes, what you want or need, and what works best for you. Some of that can be a little scary, but just remember that you're important, communicate with your partner, reach out for support or with questions when you need to, and have fun!