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Confessional

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman"

The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped".

The priest replies, " Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!”
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!

:eek:
 
Who am I?

I am under 45 years old,

I love the outdoors,

I hunt,

I am a Republican reformer,

I have taken on the Republican Party establishment,

I have many children,

I have a spot on the national ticket as vice president with less than two
years in the governor's office.



Did you guess?

.
.
.
.
.
.

I am Teddy Roosevelt in 1900

:)
 
Marketing Terms Explained....

Several women I know have asked for me an explanation of Marketing.
Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:


You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm
fantastic in bed."
-- That's Direct Marketing.


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's
fantastic in bed."
-- That's Advertising.


You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten
your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his
arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
-- That's Brand Recognition.


You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going
home with your friend.
-- That's a Sales Rep.


Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
-- That's Tech Support.


You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto
the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
-- That's Spam.

:rolleyes:
 
Time to check your brain power:

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!


Scroll down for Answers------------



Answers...

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: Hmmmm... Barbecue.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.
 
Man of the House

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife stared wide-eyed for about five seconds, then said, "The funeral director." :eek:
 
HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office. GWB is sitting at his desk. Condoleeza Rice enters)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

[...]

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

:D

I once did that on stage, as a skit. I was Condi. It was received pretty damn well :D
 
Stolen from another thread...

In 1993, the Ontario Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After they published the study, Quebec decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Newfies, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
 
In 1993, the Ontario Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After they published the study, Quebec decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Newfies, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

BWAH HA HAAA!

:D
 
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" I don't remember much after that"...
 
An elderly man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost a half million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 190 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 190 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end!

The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, finds the old man still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror..."
 
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" I don't remember much after that"...
epiphany65 and jomar; Cute jokes, thanks for posting here. Please come back and post often.
DG Hear
 
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory, when your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to our lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's and frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. Unfortunately we can't tell which one is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you just do the test again?" questioned Mrs Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests on a one time basis, however the people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town - if he finds his way home, for God's sake don't fuck with him!"
 
Thanks, DG Hear. I'm glad you don't mind me contributing to your thread.
It's not really my thread. I just started it so we can smile and laugh a little. It's for every one just to get away, even for a few minutes. Thanks again :)
DG
 
Old Blonde joke but still funny

A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender, 'Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?'

A deathly silence transcends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is a blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I am a 6' tall, 200 pound blonde with a Black Belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a Weight Lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a Pro Wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man pauses to think and says, 'Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times'.
 
This one is really dumb

Two young men make a bet as to which one of them could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel rooms.

The more boastful of the two went right to it and made love to his date. After he'd cum he leaned over and marked a "1" on the wall.

Feeling sprightly, he went again, and once again at the completion of the act marked another "l" on the wall, next to the first.

Figuring he had the bet in the bag, he decided to relax a bit and while relaxing he fell asleep.

Awakened by the sunlight coming in the window, he quickly grabbed his lady and did it again, and when he'd cum again he marked another "1" on the wall.

As the couple climbed out of bed they hear a knocking on their door. He opens the door to see his friend standing there and he invites him in,

His friend enters the room and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims; "DAMN! A hundred and eleven... you beat me by three...."
 
ONE FOR THE WOMEN (kind of)

Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it!

Ad in The Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:

"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.


Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."


Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.


Men...you are so easy.........
 
For Cloudy

Once a fierce Choctaw warrior named Running Bear ruptured himself breaking a horse and had to have one of his testicles removed. Soon, his tribesmen began calling him One Stone, albeit never to his face because One Stone hated being called One Stone and vowed to kill anyone who dared call him One Stone.

Then one day a pretty young maiden named Bird of Blue Feathers slipped up in passing and said, “Hi, One Stone.”

Well, One Stone flew into a rage and carried Bird of Blue Feathers way off deep into the wilderness and made wild, passionate love to her for the whole day and the whole night and into the second day whereupon Bird of Blue Feathers succumbed to the tremendous strain and died.

And no one called One Stone One Stone to his face for many years.

Then one day a pretty young maiden, the cousin of Bird of Blue Feathers, named Bird of Yellow Feathers, slipped up in passing and said, “Hi, One Stone.”

One Stone once again flew into a rage and carried Bird of Yellow Feathers way off deep into the wilderness and made wild, passionate love to her for the whole day and the whole night and the whole second day and that night and into the third day, whereupon Bird of Yellow Feathers showed no signs of weakening but instead became more enthusiastic while One Stone became exhausted and had to quit.

Which just goes to show….





























You can’t kill two Birds with One Stone.
 
Wal Mart Applicant revealed...


Below is an actual job application that this 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in California . They hired him because he was funny.....






NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment .
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they
tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


***Old People Rock! ***
 
Wal Mart Applicant revealed...


Below is an actual job application that this 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in California . They hired him because he was funny.....






NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment .
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they
tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


***Old People Rock! ***


I :heart: this guy!!!
 
A Woman's Prayer:

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.
 
Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."
 
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
 
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
 
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