First story just posted!!!

I'm so excited. I just saw that the first story I've submitted has been posted. It's called Jeff's Story.

It's a pretty tame piece. Would anyone be willing to read it and give me some feedback?

Thanks.

www.literotica.com/s/jeffs-story

First effort - very good

I am new to this forum but I have been writing both erotic and fiction and none-fiction for a while, you have done really well. My only advice is to "show rather than tell", it's something I used to do and it will come with practice. Describe the scene through the characters eyes not yours, describe how they feel rather than the image they see. Rather than say 'his cock was a hug 10 inches', say 'she was taken aback by the size of his cock'. Also the sex, he promised her a 'night to remember', now I used to struggle with this and write a sex scene that was very intense in a page or less, with practice you can talk more about the scene, their clothes, their expectations. How long they had wanted a lover like this who could really satisfy them. Memories of other situations that they ached to recreate. I would love us to be friends, I do not have all the answers but I read a lot of print and ebooks especially erotica, what you are trying to do is hard but it will come with practice. Have a look at the guidelines on several sites and authors forums. I only became an Artist four years ago and thought I would never sell any workm now I am getting commisions and the respect of other Artists. Please do not be upset at my comments I only want to help as others have helped me, you show a lot of promise and it is a great effort compared to a lot that I read! XxXx Celia


Oh I also just posted my first longer story on here, would love you to crtique mine too if it gets passed I'll post a link in trhis section.

ps still had to edit my reply thats how much attention I pay!

The first paragraph was okay then it went to hell quickly. Applying makeup isn't interesting or compelling reading.

A Great Start

For a first story, it is very good. I commented on the story that you are either a very capable writer, or you have a good editor. The story was clean of errors as far as I saw. The early paragraphs didn't bother me. We women know what it is like and how important it is to primp and feel good about ourselves when preparing for a night like that. There was a good amount of tension and buildup to lead up to the sex. Some on here like the get down to it sex stories. I prefer, as have many that I've seen comment, like the more developed story lines and characters. There is a fine line in developing a story and still keeping it erotic enough for people to read it. Definitely keep writing.

Thank you, Leah. I had a fellow writer on here edit it for me while I watched, on Google Docs. He did do a bit of cleaning but didn't change the feel of the story at all. I plan to use him again any time he will let me.

I have written several other stories and will probably post some of them. I had a friend who told me about a glory hole fantasy. I felt compelled to create a story for him. That is my current project. It is fun to think like a nervous young male going to do something he feels so driven to try.

James, no offense, but go fuck yourself. I am a girl writing from a girl's POV. Of course it's not going to be a instant fuck story. Some women like romance and to let the sexual tension to build. I happen to be one of those. I don't walk into the bedroom, lay down, spread my legs and say "Fuck me." There has to be some kind of foreplay.

So... a continuity question:

In paragraph 4 she pulls on a 'slinky red dress' AND a skirt?

Then, under her dress / skirt she pulls on a garter belt? If it's slinky, isn't that going to show through?

Not a skirt and a dress. I was referring to the skirt portion of the dress. I do get your point about the garter belt showing. I'll make sure to remember logical layers next time.

Brianna sat hugging her knees, head bowed. Tears gathered in her eyes but she refused to let them fall. She would not cry over him. He wasn't worth her tears.

Her cell phone buzzed. She glanced at the screen. Deanna, her best friend, wanted to go dancing tonight. Brianna replied that a night on the town sounded like a fabulous plan.

She showered, letting the warm water run down her tear stained cheeks. Then she dolled herself up. A little extra eye makeup and some bright red lipstick hid (or camouflaged) (or disguised) the redness around her eyes.

What I have done is not perfect, but it will show you the tremendous amount of useless words you pump into your reader. Give us a break and be concise. I am surprised you didn't say she entered the bathroom, took off her clothes, deposited them neatly in the hamper, opened the shower door and stepped inside and turned on the water, first the cold and then the hot, adjusting it to the proper temperature before . . . you get the idea. You are not to blame. The fault lies with every English /teacher you ever had who gave you your assignments by the word or page. When you write a story or part of a story, go back and read it. See how well it moves along. Does it make you want to read more, or bore you to death. You have a moderately good opening, but then things deteriorate rapidly. Try to be as terse as possible. If you need to spice it up afterwards with some great description or dialog, then add it sparingly, but only to ADD to the story.

The first thing I noticed, as someone else pointed out, is that you "tell" the reader what's going on nearly the whole time. This is kind of like listening to a lecture, and I think it keeps the reader at a remove from the characters, unable to get too involved.

A story usually needs a balance between "show" and "tell." To "show" would be to demonstrate how your character acts in and reacts to situations, for example using dialogue to let us know she's upset or angry as opposed to just saying, "Brianna was upset and angry."

Some lines are awkward and odd. She "showed [Jon] what a hussy she was." What? And she does all this bumping and grinding, even though he's not her type? It's fine if she's out to get laid, but why go to this kind of trouble with someone she doesn't like?

When she does meet Jeff, again there's a lot of telling. Instead of telling us she's excited, you could use other things to demonstrate. She could be tensing or squeezing her thighs together because she's excited, her heart could race, she could lick her lips, etc.

A couple of other notes: it might be easier to follow if the womens' names were different. Brianna and Deanna are so similar sounding. Also, it's not "Jeff's story." It's Brianna's, and she had sex with Jeff.

Congratulations on your first story!

Nice story written by a woman about a woman's feelings. Personally I like that you wrote about the make up and her private thoughts. I guess the of whether you should have included that is if you as a woman would have done that and you have already answered that.

I get tired of reading stories about women written from a mans point of view and encourage you to continue writing.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

The first paragraph was okay then it went to hell quickly. Applying makeup isn't interesting or compelling reading.

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It can be depending on the readership.

You are a dinosaur JBJ.

Duplicate

It is. 'specially when you shove a mascara wand in your eye.

It is. 'specially when you shove a mascara wand in your eye.

Wow Adelyn

You got battered a bit, don't let it discourage you, nobody rides a bicycle without falling off a few times, now I posted mine....

Awww, Celia, I promise not to let the wet noodles on here mess with my mind. I decided to go read what the naysayers had written. I wasn't impressed, so they quickly lost the wooden peg they thought they were standing on.

I have found that those who are really harsh on others only do so because they have such low self esteem. I don't let their hang-ups bother me. I learned from those who actually offered constructive criticism, which was my goal.

Thanks, love!

very good on your first story

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robertreams said:

Brianna sat hugging her knees, head bowed. Tears gathered in her eyes but she refused to let them fall. She would not cry over him. He wasn't worth her tears.

Her cell phone buzzed. She glanced at the screen. Deanna, her best friend, wanted to go dancing tonight. Brianna replied that a night on the town sounded like a fabulous plan.

She showered, letting the warm water run down her tear stained cheeks. Then she dolled herself up. A little extra eye makeup and some bright red lipstick hid (or camouflaged) (or disguised) the redness around her eyes.

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I disagree with some of the word deletions you made. By removing the words "He had left her" in the first paragraph you removed an important clue as to what was going on. When I read your version I thought he had probably cheated on her. Then when I read the writer's version I found out he had left her. Two very different things. You are right, there are words in the story that can be removed to tighten up the writing, but you have to be careful not to remove important parts.

I'm also not sure your advice to "be as terse as possible" is good advice. It's great advice for technical writers, but for stories, verbosity isn't always a bad thing. If your read some exceptional fantasy writers, like Robert Jordan for instance, his writing is certainly not terse. Tolkien as well was a verbose writer along with many others. It depends on the style.

Advice should also be given gently. New writers often need support and praise to balance out the criticism.

There is a lot of good writing in this story. Some good descriptions that drew me in and some good action. There are things in the story that could be improved and I think most of them have been touched on here. More dialog would have improved it. Moving the sex along more slowly, (did I just say that!) would have improved it for me as well. I hope Adelyn writes more I'd love to see how the writing progresses.

Thank you, Golden CoJones. I put my big girl panties on when I posted asking for feedback. I know there are a lot of people out there that just like to down others. I went and read what those who posted negative feedback have written as far as stories. I wasn't impressed, so I take what they say with a grain of salt.

I truly enjoy writing and have no plans to stop. I have already posted a second story. One written tongue in cheek, called Glory Hole in Dallas. Written for a chat buddy, who goes by Dallas. He has a fantasy of going to a glory hole one day. I think that is a bit of a strange fantasy for a straight man, seeing how it is usually a man on the other side, sucking him off. I really enjoyed trying to write from a man's POV. It has gotten really good feedback.

I am in the process of writing another story, one about a couple out walking in the woods who happen to spy another couple having sex. The holidays are slowing me down, but I shall finish it soon, I hope. It will be called Mountain Getaway, unless someone has already used that title.

You're welcome

I'll watch for your stories and be sure to read them as they go up.

Adelyn said:

Thank you, Golden CoJones. I put my big girl panties on when I posted asking for feedback. I know there are a lot of people out there that just like to down others. I went and read what those who posted negative feedback have written as far as stories. I wasn't impressed, so I take what they say with a grain of salt.

I truly enjoy writing and have no plans to stop. I have already posted a second story. One written tongue in cheek, called Glory Hole in Dallas. Written for a chat buddy, who goes by Dallas. He has a fantasy of going to a glory hole one day. I think that is a bit of a strange fantasy for a straight man, seeing how it is usually a man on the other side, sucking him off. I really enjoyed trying to write from a man's POV. It has gotten really good feedback.

I am in the process of writing another story, one about a couple out walking in the woods who happen to spy another couple having sex. The holidays are slowing me down, but I shall finish it soon, I hope. It will be called Mountain Getaway, unless someone has already used that title.

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Adelyn: I had absolutely no intention of putting anyone down. Especially not someone who is learning to write, Good for you, keep it up . Write, write, write! But listen also to those who speak the truth. 1) in the first paragraph, I believe the structure is strengthened by letting the reader believe He left her; he did!
2) I said be as terse as possible and then go back and spice it up, only with words that ADD to the story. Unnecessary it and that, up, down, around, etc. only drag the story down. Unless there is a special reason inherent to the story, there is no need to tell us he opened the door before he went through. These are the changes I suggested, and I still believe my suggestions were made to help you improve your writing, not to put you down at all. I would not waste my time coming on here to put people down, I have always been a teacher, I guess I still am. BTW, Golden Cajones has just chosen me as her editor, so. . .?

robertreams said:

1) in the first paragraph, I believe the structure is strengthened by letting the reader believe He left her; he did!

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In Adelyn's version, she states he left her. In the edited version she did not. My point was the story benefited from the part the edited version cut and it was just my opinion. I certainly did not mean to be personal about it.

robertreams said:

2) I said be as terse as possible and then go back and spice it up, only with words that ADD to the story. Unnecessary it and that, up, down, around, etc. only drag the story down. Unless there is a special reason inherent to the story, there is no need to tell us he opened the door before he went through. These are the changes I suggested, and I still believe my suggestions were made to help you improve your writing, not to put you down at all. I would not waste my time coming on here to put people down, I have always been a teacher, I guess I still am. BTW, Golden Cajones has just chosen me as her editor, so. . .?

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By the way, I'm a dude, not a her. And I still disagree about the terse advice.

Jack went home. He fucked a girl. The girl liked it.

Not a great story, but almost as terse as I could make it.

First of all, I knew (Cajones) is a guy, with a name like Cajones. Senior moment. I think you need to look up the definition of terse. Have you read any of my stories. I am not saying they are paragons of correctness, but they certainly aren't staid and boring. I try to be very creative and descriptive in my work, using all five senses to tell my tales, I don't always succeed, but I try like we all do. I have had my critiques on here also and learned from them. But I try never to have a character stand up, when he could merely stand. I believe my readers are smart enough to know that a man must open a door and walk through to get in a room. But he also must grasp the knob, turn the knob, exert inward or outward pressure, apply leverage, step through and usually close the door by the reverse processes, but I don't need to write all that. It bores readers to death, unless all these actions are essential to plot or characterization. There should be no word in your manuscript that does not enhance the plot, characterization, style or mood of the story. If it is not absolutely essential, cut it out. To describe the color of something, pussy lips, for example, is not unnecessary. To recall a fragrance, explain a taste make the story "true to life, but to throw extra 'that's', 'it's, "still's, 'just's, etc. in for no reason, as well as ups, downs, around, almost, nearly, started. All of these words have uses, but not merely to fill space. There are only a few very specific instances in which it would be necessary to say she turned (around) and waved goodbye. Also, she didn't turn AND wave she turned to wave. These are the emendments I made and I stand by them. And I am very sorry to have discouraged anyone, for that surely was not my intent. Back to that first paragraph. I believe the TONE of the graph tells us that it was she who was injured,
synonyms: brief, short, to the point, concise, succinct, crisp, pithy, incisive, trenchant, short and sweet, laconic, elliptical;

terse: abruptly concise; curt; brusque.

robertreams said:

First of all, I knew (Cajones) is a guy, with a name like Cajones. Senior moment. I think you need to look up the definition of terse. ... These are the emendments I made and I stand by them. And I am very sorry to have discouraged anyone, for that surely was not my intent. Back to that first paragraph. I believe the TONE of the graph tells us that it was she who was injured,
synonyms: brief, short, to the point, concise, succinct, crisp, pithy, incisive, trenchant, short and sweet, laconic, elliptical;

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No harm, no foul on the gender bender.
After reading this post I believe I understand what you mean better. I think concise would have been a better word choice than terse. Terse has the "abrupt" connotation that concise lacks and it was that connotation that threw me off. I agree with removing the kinds of things you said to remove in your post and heaven knows that I'm guilty of including them in my stories. However, when I write for pleasure I need to let the words flow. If I get caught up in the "English Teacher Think" trap my stories lose their rhythm and they start sounding more like my technical writing which, in my opinion, is a VERY bad thing. Far worse than being overly verbose. I think writers need to write how works for them and then edit the hell out of it.

I still think you cut too much from the first paragraph. You are correct that both versions tell us she was hurt. Your version leaves out the how leaving the reader to assume how she was hurt. When I read your version, I assumed she had been cheated on. I think the distinction between being cheated on and being abandoned is important to the story because people react to the two differently. The story is more believable with her being abandoned than with her being cheated on. Just my opinion.

On a final note: None of this is intended to be personal. I love having these kinds of discussions and hearing different opinions. I am sure that you are a skilled writer and great editor. That doesn't mean I don't have my own opinions.