Open Relationships

LostGirlTink said:

I probably shouldn't even venture into this discussion because it's a potential minefield for me, but I'm going to because I've been doing a ton of reading and need to make a point that I"m not seeing being made.

I see a lot of people saying "Make sure you set all the rules with your spouse, make sure that you prioritize your spouse"

If it's super casual maybe it won't matter and in that respect maybe that part is important.

I'm just going to say 2 things and wander out of the thread, but I think they are important things and perspectives that aren't being discussed by anyone else.

1. The person/people you are getting involved with are people with valid feelings and wants and needs of their own. This isn't like buying a sex toy. They get a say.

2. Feelings happen, whether you think they are going to or not, they can happen. How are you going to handle that if one of you catches feelings?
It becomes a whole new thing then.

An article that I thought spoke really well about this if anyone is interested.

https://www.morethantwo.com/coupleprivilege.html

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I think that being sensitive to the feelings of the "other" man or woman is a very salient point.

In other threads I have spoken of the need to expect feelings. Not just that they might happen but they probably will and they should. Chances are if you are having healthy relationships with other people there will be feelings. You will have a connection with them. And feelings are involuntary. We have some ability to control how we respond to our feelings but we can't change the feelings themselves.

That is in part what I mean when I talk about being careful with the rules. Too often I read of rules that seem to be geared to controlling how the partner will feel about the other lover or constraining them from developing feelings. That is unrealistic and potentially unhealthy for your partner and your relationship.

policywank said:

I think that being sensitive to the feelings of the "other" man or woman is a very salient point.

In other threads I have spoken of the need to expect feelings. Not just that they might happen but they probably will and they should. Chances are if you are having healthy relationships with other people there will be feelings. You will have a connection with them. And feelings are involuntary. We have some ability to control how we respond to our feelings but we can't change the feelings themselves.

That is in part what I mean when I talk about being careful with the rules. Too often I read of rules that seem to be geared to controlling how the partner will feel about the other lover or constraining them from developing feelings. That is unrealistic and potentially unhealthy for your partner and your relationship.

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The feelings is something I still struggle with. For me they seem to come so quickly. I don’t know if that’s an age thing. Or because everything about NEW excites me. Are these just feelings of a crush or are they something else. On the advice of a friend I try to keep more than just one guy in my life. That way my focus is never just on one person. There is always my husband but I am guilty of taking him for granted. It’s ugly to say but I do, and I’m not the only person who takes their significant other for granted.

I do try to share my feeling about the other men with my husband, but I also think about holding back, and that’s a bad thing. I have to make myself tell him, it’s a conscious effort, and it’s still hard.. maybe it should be..

Scareltt said:

The feelings is something I still struggle with. For me they seem to come so quickly. I don’t know if that’s an age thing. Or because everything about NEW excites me. Are these just feelings of a crush or are they something else. On the advice of a friend I try to keep more than just one guy in my life. That way my focus is never just on one person. There is always my husband but I am guilty of taking him for granted. It’s ugly to say but I do, and I’m not the only person who takes their significant other for granted.

I do try to share my feeling about the other men with my husband, but I also think about holding back, and that’s a bad thing. I have to make myself tell him, it’s a conscious effort, and it’s still hard.. maybe it should be..

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We are taught to control our feelings but that generally doesn't work. And I think that the notion is wrong. We don't just switch feelings on or off at will. Feelings are mostly involuntary.

If we really look at how we deal with feelings it is to manage them through conscious acts. We choose which circumstances to expose ourselves to, or consciously seek to understand alternative views or just count to 10 when someone makes us angry. These are intelligent coping mechanism more so than "control" - you don't go from angry to happy in a 10 count. The anger is still there but you have subdued your response. In other words you have controlled your response for a better outcome, but not so much the emotion.

But we tend to think of those mechanisms in very simplistic ways. If something angers you it may be best to remove yourself from that situation. Or it may be best to face that issue calmly even if it is difficult. Those are almost opposite reactions. Yet many people espouse one or the other as the universally right response based upon their own experience or emotional predisposition. But the fact is that it depends on the circumstance.

Likewise we make simplistic assertions about how we should just follow along with some emotions while avoiding others. But beyond trite self-help ideology anger isn't always misplaced so it shouldn't always be denied. And happiness isn't always well placed and so it shouldn't always be blindly followed.

The simplistic notions that we follow in a typical day are often misplaced. But we are sufficiently entrenched in a rote set of behaviours that we mostly avoid big mistakes. However, the feelings that we face in an open marriage don't easily fall into simple formulas or traditional wisdom. At a minimum they require a rethink of our approach.

I think that the newness we face with a new lover is something that many people have experienced. Even many committed monogamists have bounced from one boyfriend who was getting a bit stale to another that was fresh and new only to find out that he wasn't any better or even as good as the first boyfriend after the infatuation wore off. We relate to that. But many of us never really come to grips with it. We just accept that we are expected to trade in that infatuation for commitment or risk being left lonely and rejected. As a wife in an open marriage I need to get a deeper understanding of that dynamic. It does no good to deny that feeling. It wouldn't work if I tried but why would I even want to do that. I love that infatuation. But I do need to understand that it isn't sustainable and conduct myself accordingly. I am going to be faced with those up and down dynamics way more than if I dated a handful of guys then chose a monogamous partner. The social obligation to sacrifice that infatuation for fear of judgment isn't my control mechanism. So I need to develop mechanisms to keep it in perspective and not end up just making an endless series of dumb mistakes.

The trickier one is the notion of telling your husband about you sexual exploits. Most of us are conditioned not to do that - we see a straight line relationship between him knowing we are having sex with other men and being hurt. But in an open relationship we need to look one layer deeper......he already knows and accepts that I am having sex with other men. If I tell him nothing he will naturally assume the worst. I'm not sheltering him from anything. The underlying premise that by not telling him I am helping him is turned upside down.....I am actually hurting him. or at best I am just avoiding facing something uncomfortable. I don't think that means I need to tell him everything.....just that I need to think more completely how I am affecting his emotions based upon the actual circumstances rather than any simplified ideas of what is the right response in a given circumstance.

So what level of privacy is the person you are involved with entitled to, if any?
To what degree do you share their personal information?
What is, or would be acceptable, and what wouldn't be?
I'm very curious about this.

policywank said:

The trickier one is the notion of telling your husband about you sexual exploits. Most of us are conditioned not to do that - we see a straight line relationship between him knowing we are having sex with other men and being hurt. But in an open relationship we need to look one layer deeper......he already knows and accepts that I am having sex with other men. If I tell him nothing he will naturally assume the worst. I'm not sheltering him from anything. The underlying premise that by not telling him I am helping him is turned upside down.....I am actually hurting him. or at best I am just avoiding facing something uncomfortable. I don't think that means I need to tell him everything.....just that I need to think more completely how I am affecting his emotions based upon the actual circumstances rather than any simplified ideas of what is the right response in a given circumstance.

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Showed this to the wife, one of the most interesting follow-up conversations we have had in a while. I never thought about that before, thanks.

LostGirlTink said:

So what level of privacy is the person you are involved with entitled to, if any?
To what degree do you share their personal information?
What is, or would be acceptable, and what wouldn't be?
I'm very curious about this.

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Those are important questions. I can only offer my own opinion.

My starting premise is that the parameters of any relationship are established solely by the parties to that relationship. The opinions of others or "accepted norms" play no part at all. To the extent that either party disagrees with the other as to the appropriate parameters they may compromise or opt out of the relationship.

As a practical matter we don't start every relationship with a lengthy discussion and negotiation. So I start from the premises of personal liberty (neither of us is entitled to expect anything of the other that hasn't been offered), responsibility (we likely have obligations to others that should be respected) and do no harm (personal liberty does not extend to the right to harm others).

Obviously there is tons of grey area. Few are the relationships where this is all laid out in explicit detail. But in most cases we have some idea of how the other person might see things. The key is to make that the focus and not what we might see as "right". I believe that this is where most people get into trouble - we think in terms of a generalized set of parameters or our own view rathe than seeking the other person's view.

Sometimes we may look at those generalized set of parameters if we know a person buys into a certain way of seeing the world. If you are a devout Catholic or Mormon I might reasonably infer that you have conservative views on pre-marital sex or adultery. That might inform my communication with you by suggesting that I should make a point of making you aware of certain aspects of me. But that doesn't make your view the right view or entitle you to expect me to subscribe to those values. If I go on three dates with a guy and in his culture that means we are exclusive that doesn't make it so. Nor does it imply any guilt or fault on my part. Maybe if I know about that expectation I should be careful to dispel that notion but that is all there is to it. If a one-night stand doesn't call you back that doesn't make him/her a bad person unless it was clear to them that you thought it was more than a one night-stand.

So back to your question. The level of privacy the person you are involved with is whatever level you jointly agree to. In the absence of explicit agreement you should abide by the principal of do no harm (don't go blabbing to the world given that you know how judgmental people can be) and personal liberty (you are entitled to discretely share aspects of your life with people you trust) and responsibility (if you have made a commitment to your husband to tell him).

So if a man tells you he doesn't want you to tell you husband before you have sexual relations you can have a grown up conversation about what you will or will not do. If He asks you not to tell after the sex has already happened then the default commitment goes to the one you made in advance. He can't reasonably expect you to violate your commitment to your husband to accommodate a request that was clearly made after the fact and therefore denied you the opportunity to opt out.

Again the degree to which you share personal information is in the first instance a matter of what you jointly agreed. And that should be informed by what you have agreed with your husband. Chances are that if you have had this discussion with your husband it was sufficiently detailed that you could both ascertain what is expected. For instance, your husband may want to know if you have fucked another guy and the identity of the guy if and only if he is already known to both of you. It may be agreed that otherwise the identity can remain confidential. And whether or not the details of the sexual encounter are to be shared is a whole other topic. If you didn't agree with your lover in advance how much would be shared then again I would be governed by the pre-existing commitment to your husband and the principals of personal liberty, responsibility and do no harm.

It is possible those will come into conflict and you will have to make a judgment call. That is the toughest to manage. By its nature it is circumstantial. You can't follow one rule. You need to look at a set of principles. Again to me that starts with what you agreed to with all affected parties and basic concepts of personal prerogative and how you treat other people. Whenever possible steer clear of your own notions or the notions of other's about how things "should be".

I suppose the one overall notion that I would apply is to be as discrete as possible whenever possible. But that does not override any commitments you have already made to your husband or others. So if you have any sense that those commitments will run up against the privacy considerations of your lover then share that before hand.

But always remember there is no one "right" way that overrides individual prerogative.

Thank you to those who have put the energy and time into answering my questions. We really need a good and interactive thread on this and similar topics but there is shockingly little discussion about this. I think the problem is that it doesn't really "fit" in any specific category.

I’ll try to answer.

LostGirlTink said:

So what level of privacy is the person you are involved with entitled to, if any?
To what degree do you share their personal information?
What is, or would be acceptable, and what wouldn't be?
I'm very curious about this.

Click to expand...

1: So what level of privacy is the person you are involved with entitled to, if any? Are you talking about my husband? Or the person I am seeing? I talk about my husband on dates. His name is going to come up, wether I’m talking about past vacations or if they ask me about my day. Or any other experience. he is going to come up. I don’t hide him, I can tell by “my “dates” reaction if that bothers them. If it does I’ll remind them who they are with. Most of the time I’m sitting there with my wedding ring on. If they have questions about how it all works I’ll go into detail, I want this person to feel comfortable, or at least know what to expect. I have not been doing this very long, but I feel like first dates are a time to lay everything out. Or at the very least be prepared to explain.

I tell my husband all about it. It’s still not easy, and I want to leave stuff out, but I don’t. So times it feels like I’m reading from a list. I still do it. I try to put him in the right frame of mind. So it’s often in bed. Sometimes I just talk and watch his body for a reaction. Other times I might encourage a reaction. I will not compare, I got some great advice when I first took this step. I don’t compare, my experiences with my “dates” are different, some of the feeling might be the same. It’s not better or worse, it’s different. I also don’t compare size, at the moment I can’t because that would just inflate my husbands ego. Like I said this is a new step. (Sorry my answers tend to be long, and I free associate)

What is, or would be acceptable, and what wouldn't be? Again depending on if you’re asking about my “date” you can ask all you want, I’ll answer. What you can’t do as my “date” is insult my husband or be disrespectful toward or about him. I have said this before. He has all the power in the relationship. If he said, “I want to go back to the old way of doing things.” I would stop, I’m not getting divorced over some guy. My whole not complaining thing goes both ways.

My husband can ask me anything. As long as he does not ask me to compare, I’ll answer. Even if it’s uncomfortable for me.

A quick side note..

Just so you can understand how normal our marriage is (other than the obvious)

I just got off the phone with my husband. We were talking about paint and hardwood floors. He’s traveling for work, so he wanted to know abut the rest of the family. He asked what days I was off this week and if he could take me to dinner Friday. I’m off Thursday and Friday so of course he can take me to dinner.

He then asked me if I saw the groceries he added to the Wunderlist. I did. He asked what time I got home from work? it was 3am. He asked who I blamed for that? A bunch of baseball players.

We did the, the “I love you.” “I love you too.” I said it first, though I don’t always.

See nice and normal...

Scareltt said:

Just so you can understand how normal our marriage is...

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And the thread lives on.

Thank you Scarlett. I guess I just am wondering, as the "person you'd be seeing" how that works for them. Are they entitled to privacy? or are their wants and needs irrelevant? I assume that it would vary depending on the individual circumstances and the dynamics within.

LostGirlTink said:

Thank you Scarlett. I guess I just am wondering, as the "person you'd be seeing" how that works for them. Are they entitled to privacy? or are their wants and needs irrelevant? I assume that it would vary depending on the individual circumstances and the dynamics within.

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They are entitled to a level of privacy. Im not going to tell my husband where they live, or their full name. I am going to share with my husband what happened during our time together. If my “dates” are uncomfortable or don’t want me to do that. Then I guess they wouldn’t be dates any more.

Women talk about men over drinks, coffee, in their kitchens. As for guys “locker room” talk is still a thing right.

Scareltt said:

They are entitled to a level of privacy. Im not going to tell my husband where they live, or their full name. I am going to share with my husband what happened during our time together. If my “dates” are uncomfortable or don’t want me to do that. Then I guess they wouldn’t be dates any more.

Women talk about men over drinks, coffee, in their kitchens. As for guys “locker room” talk is still a thing right.

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I suppose.
I guess I'm just trying to wrap my head around the dynamics of this.
Very couple-centric in the discussions I'm reading. Makes for some very interesting reading.

johnmatrix143 said:

Scarlett, so in the case of your date with group of baseball players. Tell how your date went and what you enjoyed about date and how that fulfills your needs and desires. Curious on how your dates meet your desires that your husband can't.

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Haha.. sorry! I should have explained.. I do sports content, the West Coast games kept me up.

I didn’t have an orgy with a group of baseball players.

LostGirlTink said:

Thank you to those who have put the energy and time into answering my questions. We really need a good and interactive thread on this and similar topics but there is shockingly little discussion about this. I think the problem is that it doesn't really "fit" in any specific category.

Click to expand...

There is little information cause it is different for every person. There is no manual. What is acceptable for one couple is a complete clusterfuck for another.

Subscribing.

Is this what you had in mind..

johnmatrix143 said:

Hahahaha.... That's funny. Im curious, if you wouldn't mind sharing, what a date with you entails and how that meets your desires and needs. What do you look for in dating and what an ideal date entails.

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I will try to clean this up. I sent it to a friend on Friday, it’s in reference to a date I had with a new “friend”... it’s long..


I met Justin a while back, we kept in touch because he was interested in my line of work. It didn’t take me long to figure out he had a bit of a crush on me.he’s handsome 25 year old. We have gone on a few dates, I challenged him to find a place for us to get together. At the moment the rule is I can’t bring “dates” to our place. He has a bunch of roommates so finding alone time was going to be a challenge, I didn’t want to get a hotel for our first time, i feel like that would have set the wrong tone.

Now a few things. Justin texted me out of the blue. When I saw his name I almost, lit him up. We talked about him being too texty (not sure that’s ever going to be a word: Texty) it read, “leaving work early, how about lunch?” I was hungry.

It was in the middle of a work day and I didn’t want to bother my husband. I have some flexibility with people I have established a relationship with. If it would have been a first date I would of let him know.

over lunch Justin was like, “I think all my roommates are at work, or class.”

I was like, “Oh really? Is that why you paid for lunch?”

His face turned bright red. I took his hand and smiled.

I got us Lime Scooters to go back to his place. Fun!!! Like more fun than you would think. Okay not good sex fun but still.

We kissed in his doorway. Then I said, “am I your first MILF”

More blushing, he said something like you’re the first MILF to every be so nice to me.

I ran my fingers through his hair, and my other hand went to his khaki pants. I caressed him and told him he could call me a MILF, I take it as a compliment.

He was hard before I touched him. We stood there looking in each other’s eyes. Finally I said, “Justin how about you show me your room.”

He was like do you want something to drink?

I said, “maybe later.”

He must have cleaned before he texted me. Even their bathroom was clean. His bed was made.

We kissed and I unbuttoned his shirt and got it off.

Not expecting this I was in yoga pants and a Toasters tshirt, running shoes. I did touch up my make up and hair in the car.

I asked him if he wanted to see a MIlF then I closed the blinds (I have all the issues women my age have haha) I didn’t want the room black but dimmer. I undressed for him.

He was shaking, he was really nervous. I was worried about my self confidence. I was in my sports bra (my plan was the gym, it never happened) and pink cotton panties. I sat down next to him. I told him to relax and that first times with any partner can be very different from second times.

He smiled at that.. I got up and helped him up. I got on my knees and took off his shoes and unbuckled his belt, then unburdened his pants. He had dark blue boxers on. I let the stay on and slipped my hand up into the legs.

He was so ready...

I pulled his boxers off...

I didn’t want to suck him. Well I wanted to but knew that no matter what I did this young man was going to cum so fast for me.. THAT MADE ME FEEL SO HOT..

I laid him on his bed, and knowing I was limited on time. Also realizing I left my purse in the living room. Shoot.. well I really wanted to feel him cum inside me. My gosh when Matty was young they used to turn me on..

I asked him when he last had sex, it was like 4 months ago. I asked about condoms. He told me he had some in his nightstand.

I got on top of him right there.. he’s just a little shorter than Matty but I think he is wider, I’m not going to measure, but I think.

I held still wanting him to relax.. So hard men over 30 just loose the like hard hard cock. I reached back and squeezed his balls as he started moving under me. I took his right hand and guided him to my clit. I just held it there. I was not going to cum but I did want to see if he could use his fingers. (Some teaching by me will be required.) He was already so close. Then it hit him. His face looked like he was startled, or maybe scared. It didn’t take long, faster than My husband, but still I like how he felt and the smile on his face as I got dressed. Mmmmmm worth it!

I got dressed in the bathroom. Very clean..

“I did tell him not to text me for the rest of the week.”

When I was leaving I good a good look at their apartment, it’s really big high ceilings and light hardwood. Cleanish..

My Lime Scooter was gone when I went outside. So I had to walk 6 blocks to my car. That’s when I called my husband and told him just enough for him to be interested:

He saw me put the scooters on his card. Whenever I use his credit cards he always gets a text. One Lime scooter then another had him wondering.

He was not upset with me in the slightest. He was glad I enjoyed myself and offered to take care of me tonight after I get home.

Love surprises from my husband...
__________________

Now that’s an opportunity....

Remember when I said all “Dates” are different, and I don’t compare.

Haha

Sorry I just don’t have time to type at the moment.

Dribble said:

There is little information cause it is different for every person. There is no manual. What is acceptable for one couple is a complete clusterfuck for another.

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Well of course. LOL But that doesn't mean that things that work or didn't work aren't always good to talk about with others that at least understand what you are talking about and don't immediately reject the scenario instantly because it isn't a simple 1 man/1 woman scenario.
But it is worth discussing and out of all the topics that get discussed I think this one bears more discussion than it gets.
I just haven't figured out where the right place to start a discussion thread on this would actually be... and most get sidetracked pretty quickly when they are started.

LostGirlTink said:

Thank you Scarlett. I guess I just am wondering, as the "person you'd be seeing" how that works for them. Are they entitled to privacy? or are their wants and needs irrelevant? I assume that it would vary depending on the individual circumstances and the dynamics within.

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I know you didn’t ask me but I’ll offer a view. In my opinion you should expect to have a relationship with your lovers. That is what makes for optimal mutual enjoyment and longevity. Purely physical experiences can be enjoyable but I would never want to be restricted to that. It is only a small part of what appeals to me about having multiple lovers and those tend to be short lived relationships (and bouncing from one warm bed to the next does not appeal to me).

The key is to recognize that “having a relationship” need not imply exclusivity or anything that conflicts with my marriage. It just means that I have an affection for and connection with these men. So of course that involves treating them with respect. So their wants and needs are very relevant. I don’t feel obliged to comply but I do feel obliged to take them into account and be clear and honest with them

Think of it like having a best friend and a dozen other friends. I care about what they all feel. I wouldn’t blindly side with one over the others. I try to treat all well and expect them all to be respectful of one another. My best friend will get the most favour but that doesn’t mean disregarding the others.

All really good points..

policywank said:

I know you didn’t ask me but I’ll offer a view. In my opinion you should expect to have a relationship with your lovers. That is what makes for optimal mutual enjoyment and longevity. Purely physical experiences can be enjoyable but I would never want to be restricted to that. It is only a small part of what appeals to me about having multiple lovers and those tend to be short lived relationships (and bouncing from one warm bed to the next does not appeal to me).

The key is to recognize that “having a relationship” need not imply exclusivity or anything that conflicts with my marriage. It just means that I have an affection for and connection with these men. So of course that involves treating them with respect. So their wants and needs are very relevant. I don’t feel obliged to comply but I do feel obliged to take them into account and be clear and honest with them

Think of it like having a best friend and a dozen other friends. I care about what they all feel. I wouldn’t blindly side with one over the others. I try to treat all well and expect them all to be respectful of one another. My best friend will get the most favour but that doesn’t mean disregarding the others.

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I always enjoy your prospective...

I think it also depends on where you are in life. I have a lot to juggle, and my work schedule does nothing for my social schedule, as far as evenings go..

Free time is just something I lack, well that and sleep..

The Mundane

Okay so mundane might be a poor choice of words. My weekend was pretty quiet. I had date night with my husband on Friday night. It was nice he took me to my favorite place and after we went for drinks.

Saturday we had a wedding, to attend. Everything was going great until right after dinner. Our babysitter sent a text that she was not feeling well. My husband was sober driving and after a round of texts told me he was going home. The wedding was for someone I grew up with, though much younger. So that made me happy. When I sent for my Uber a “friends” address was in my history. So I sent him a text, and it just so happens he was just getting home from a late movie. So I didn’t go right home. I did text my husband telling him not to wait up for me. He replied with “Good night my love.”

Scareltt said:

I always enjoy your prospective...

I think it also depends on where you are in life. I have a lot to juggle, and my work schedule does nothing for my social schedule, as far as evenings go..

Free time is just something I lack, well that and sleep..

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You are quite right. I think that is why it is so important to be clear about expectations. Frankly that applies to any relationship but it can be especially heightened in non-exclusive sexual or romantic relationships.

We often gauge whether someone has been sensitive to our feelings based upon what we think is normal or accepted practice. But those standards tend to be defined by society at large and none of us is obliged to subscribe.

So if I don't respond to a lover's text in a manner that he deems timely have I been insensitive to his feelings? What is the reference point? It would be insensitive of me to simply ignore him altogether. But it is inappropriate for him to think that he gets to define how quickly I should respond.

The key is the communication and arrangement between us. If I am clear (and I always try to be) as to the limits of our relationship he can choose to accept those terms, reject them or ask for different terms. As long as I am being direct and honest with him I am being sensitive to his feelings.

I would never take the view that his feelings are irrelevant in totality. But as to whether my family obligations and events cut into his booty time with me - yes his feelings are irrelevant in so far as I I have been very clear about my priorities.

That’s something I’m learning..

policywank said:

You are quite right. I think that is why it is so important to be clear about expectations. Frankly that applies to any relationship but it can be especially heightened in non-exclusive sexual or romantic relationships.

We often gauge whether someone has been sensitive to our feelings based upon what we think is normal or accepted practice. But those standards tend to be defined by society at large and none of us is obliged to subscribe.

So if I don't respond to a lover's text in a manner that he deems timely have I been insensitive to his feelings? What is the reference point? It would be insensitive of me to simply ignore him altogether. But it is inappropriate for him to think that he gets to define how quickly I should respond.

The key is the communication and arrangement between us. If I am clear (and I always try to be) as to the limits of our relationship he can choose to accept those terms, reject them or ask for different terms. As long as I am being direct and honest with him I am being sensitive to his feelings.

I would never take the view that his feelings are irrelevant in totality. But as to whether my family obligations and events cut into his booty time with me - yes his feelings are irrelevant in so far as I I have been very clear about my priorities.

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I’m going to totally date myself, but sometimes I feel like I’m playing the Sims. This person needs a text, this person is my age and would rather I call them, this person wants to see me once a week. Now if only I had the time. I have never asked my husbands advice on how to balance my other partners.

I have a feeling he would say, “Men are simple.” Then go into more details talking about himself. First nothing about him or men is simple. If it were just orgasms all of this would be easy. It’s not!

I am getting better and directing my other lovers toward what I want. However I have never sat down with any of them and told them where they stand in my list of priorities. If I did it would look like this.

Family
Work
Close friends
Friends
You (lovers)
I don’t think I would ever say to a partner you’re that low on the list.

The truth is “dating” is almost a hobby. It’s an exciting hobby, but still that’s what it is. That sounds harsher than it is.

I’m human, and as much as I like to pretend I don’t have feelings, it’s not true. The fact is I have strong feeling for my current lovers and even one I had to stop seeing.

Maybe it’s my fault, but when we talk for the first time over coffee or drinks. I have to admit I do prefer morning or afternoon coffee, for a first time meeting. However my schedule usually requires we meet later so it’s often drinks. When we meet the first thing I try to do is give my “date” my total focus. I’ll ask them about their life and talk about just how busy I am. In my mind that should be enough to let them know that if this first real conversation works they will become important to me, but I also have all these other factors pulling at me.

Monday I had a “date” with a young man (the same person from last week) this time we met for coffee. When I was driving to meet him I was doing the math in my head, I had just over 4 hours to spend with him. That’s very rare that I have that amount of time for anything. I was excited and nervous... when it was time for me to break away from him, he didn’t say please stay. He said, I’ll wait for your text. I really liked that.

When I first started doing this I was afraid to let my “dates” know my expectations. Now I am pretty comfortable guiding them where I want them. I am also more comfortable being direct with them. I don’t want to hurt feelings, but our relationship is not and never will be my primary relationship.

Still after typing all of that, its harder than all of that.

Holiday weekends can be a lot of work.

Nothing more interesting than juggling 2 lovers, a husband, 3 birthday parties, a pool party, and 2 bar b ques.

I’m just glad I was able to rest yesterday.

Trust me when I tell you it’s a lot of work..