Russian dolls of vulnerability

I don't like talking about my problems anymore. I like being surprised by people who understand them.

The interesting thing to me about the analogy to Russian nesting dolls is that in a lot of ways, I feel like it's exactly the opposite. When I'm guarded, there's very little of me to get to know. The more vulnerable I am, the bigger the surface area of my personality. The more I have learned to be vulnerable, the more I have found vast new expanses inside myself to share with the world.

When you peel away all my outer layers, you find the biggest nesting doll of all. Go figure.

RubiDia said:

I don't like talking about my problems anymore. I like being surprised by people who understand them.

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if you don't like talking about them does that mean you don't talk about them? And if so, how do they understand?

It is special when you feel that someone really understands what you are saying that might be complex and sensitive.

I've always kept my cards pretty close to my chest, and as I get older, I become more and more secretive by the year. (This is obviously not true here, but in other areas of my life.) It's part defense mechanism and part really bad habit at this point.

"Stop trying to play it so cool!" my friend gets annoyed with me and says of my not-relationship with my play partner. But I don't really know how to do anything else, and that makes him--my friend--even more annoyed at me.

But I'm trying. I really am. I'm just terrible at it.

I'll do things that are out of character. My recall is sometimes in flashes of expressions in people's faces.

This thread is amazing.
I really wish to say thank you to everyone who posted here and shared their views on vulnerability. And thank you, Elle, for creating this thread. It really makes me happy to have found this forum and makes me want to be part of it. I have perused all of your answers and felt overwhelmed with affection for all of you people!

Vulnerability is kind of a motto for me. I spent a lot of time hiding and not talking about my personal life to other people. I used to be the one who listens and nods. But thanks to some amazing friends I finally managed to open up and to confide in the people I love. Now vulnerability is the main modality of almost all of my relationships. Talking, sharing feelings, trying to be as accurate and honest as possible, finding the right word or phrase. Sometimes it is a problem because I don't know anymore how to act with people I don't know or people who are simply acquaitances. It often happens that I want to be friends with someone and just skip all the "russian dolls" to get instantly to the very small one, which obviously does not work haha! And sometimes I really need to confide and tell a lot about myself and that's not very prudent... Anyways, vulnerability is a great quality. I really admire and am grateful to the people who willingly tell me about themselves, and to people who listen to (or read ) my logorrhea. But sometimes I wish I was a bit more careful and patient with people...

I'd like to share one of my favourite quotes, which is about vulnerability. I actually don't know it in English, but here's my clumsy attempt at translating it: "I would like to tell everything to someone and find out that I, too, am only human."It's from a great book called When Nietzsche wept written by Irvin Yalom. I think it says everything. It's just amazing to be able to tell something you think is shameful or bad or ugly and to have someone telling you that it's just normal and it's ok...

Another one of my favourite quotes, which I thought relevant to the conversation, is from American poet Emily Dickinson: "Tell all the truth but tell it slant."I've spent a lot of time holding a grudge against social convention telling you that you can't be too honest because sometimes it's wrong. I can be too honest sometimes. Just telling what I think in a blunt manner that can hurt the person's feelings. I think sometimes, total honesty is less important than the person's well being. What I like about Dickinson's quote is that it somhow finds a compromise, a way to tell the truth without hurting too much...

Talking about this... Here's one last quote I love and I'd like to share because after all, iy's a thread on vulnerability! From E. M Forster in A Room with a view: "We cast a shadow on something wherever we stand, and it is no good moving from place to place to save things because the shadow always follows. Choose a place where you won't do harm - yes, choose a place where you won't do very much harm and stand in it for all you are worth, facing the sunshine."

With love

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This thread fascinates me, but I'm not sure I'm able to be vulnerable enough to even try to explain my feelings on vulnerability. I guess this thread has made me more aware of just how big a problem I have with being vulnerable

Thank you for the understanding. I can pinpoint my problems with vulnerability right into my childhood, unfortunately. I grew up feeling I wasn't good enough, and having the way I looked, acted, and thought criticised, often publicly. Come to think of it that's why humiliation is a mega turn off for me, I hate feeling ashamed and weak

StudentAndTeacher said:

I want the median, I don't want to feel like I literally can't live without anyone, but I don't want to be like batman anymore either.

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Good luck on your voyage of self discovery, whether that means finding the median, or something else less expected...

Quick side thought - is it maybe a little to do with that new relationship energy? That makes you feel like you will go crazy if you lose this something and makes you want more, more, more. So scary and exciting?

Your post reminded me of one of the struggles I have. I came from a long relationship where my needs and wants were not really considered by me or my partner. After a very long time I left and realised I needed to do relationships differently.

But I don't want to go over the top the other way and be thinking about my needs and wants all the time. I want to come to important relationships from a place of giving, of love. So I struggle to find a balance. I am fortunate to have a couple of people I can talk to about this. But this thread is fabulous too.

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