Tell a Joke

A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.

Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy.

Last week featured the shocking revelation that two athletes had lied to the whole country for years in order to become rich and famous. This is the same thing that politicians do except without the exercise regimen.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts..
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is .. . ... ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money....
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said,

"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"


I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."


Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

SOCIAL SECURITY NOW CALLED 'FEDERAL BENEFIT PAYMENT'/ENTITLEMENT!

Have you noticed, your Social Security check is now referred to as a "Federal Benefit Payment"?

The government is now referring to our Social Security checks as a Federal Benefit Payment.
This isnt a benefit its earned income!
Not only did we all contribute to Social Security but our employers did too.

It totaled 15% of our income before taxes.
If you averaged $30K per year over your working life, that's close to $180,000 invested in Social Security.

If you calculate the future value of your monthly investment in social security ($375/month, including both
Your and your employers contributions) at a meager 1% interest rate compounded monthly, after 40 years of
Working you'd have more than $1.3+ million dollars saved! This is your personal investment.

Upon retirement, if you took out only 3% per year, you'd receive $39,318 per year, or $3,277 per month.

That's almost three times more than todays average Social Security benefit of $1,230 per month, according to the
Social Security Administration (Google it - its a fact).

And your retirement fund would last more than 33 years (until you're 98 if you retire at age 65)!
I can only imagine how much better most average-income people could live in retirement if our government had
Just invested our money in low-risk interest-earning accounts.

Instead, the folks in Washington pulled off a bigger Ponzi scheme than Bernie Madoff ever did.
They took our money and used it elsewhere. They forgot that it was OUR money they were taking.
They didn't have a referendum to ask us if we wanted to lend the money to them.

And they didn't pay interest on the debt they assumed.
And recently, they've told us that the money wont support us for very much longer.
But is it our fault they misused our investments?

And now, to add insult to injury, theyre calling it a benefit, as if we never worked to earn every penny of it.
Just because they borrowed the money, doesn't mean that our investments were acharity!
Lets take a stand.

We have earned our right to Social Security and Medicare.
Demand that our legislators bring some sense into our government

Find a way to keep Social Security and Medicare going, for the sake of that 92% of our population who need it.

Then call it what it is:
Our Earned Retirement Income.

How to recognize a gay bar..

BusyAfternoon said:

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

Click to expand...

LOL I think you missed foreign aid. How much space did they give you on the form?

BusyAfternoon said:

How to recognize a gay bar..

Click to expand...

haha

A driver gets pulled over for going the wrong way on a one-way street.

Officer: You do know you were driving down a one way street, right?

Driver: But sir, I was only driving one way.

SeaDaddy1 said:

A driver gets pulled over for going the wrong way on a one-way street.

Officer: You do know you were driving down a one way street, right?

Driver: But sir, I was only driving one way.

Click to expand...

I actually used that line. About 37 years ago. I'd just gotten to a new Army base. Got lost and wound up going the wrong way on a one-way street. In the Officers housing area. So I was trying to hurry up and get out of there when the MPs pulled me over. After going through a conversation like the above about the one-way street, the MP added "And this is a 15 M.P.H. zone". I said "Yeah, but from the other side that reads 51." Eventually they lead me out of there and gave me directions to my company area.

The photos below show the actual

twister damage

done in a Midwest city.

Sometimes you have to view the

actual

pictures of the

Carnage - as opposed to just reading the news descriptions.


This is just terrible, seeing what

can

happen to a home because of a

twister.


See Pictures Below













***DARN.....I'M SORRY,

WRONG TWISTER P HOTOS***
I'LL GET BACK TO YA…

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:


* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,
and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can
give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that.
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig,
but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Texas Skydiving

Keep watching, 'cause when it happens, it happens Quick!
You have never seen anything like this before.
If you are drinking something, set it down so you won't spill it all over yourself.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tdsbzubam0&feature=player_detailpage

The coyote
CALIFORNIA:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the
Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie
"Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only
doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote
and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills
the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now
free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a
"coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better
treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the
attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with
additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
against the State.


TEXAS:

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends,
is why California is broke and Texas is not.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had

• first married a banker when she was in her 20's,
• then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's,
• and a preacher when in her 60's,
• and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

shoulderblade said:

I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

Click to expand...

i rather die in my sleep too

THE 'Y' CHROMOSOME

People born before 1946 are called -
The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called -
The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called -
Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -
Generation Y.


Why do we call the last group-Generation Y ?
Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?
Y should I do anything when I can get it all for FREE?



But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below...

For all you "Grandma's and Grandpa's" out there. Does this bring back memories or what? Made me feel young at heart again...(I used to dance like this)...Yeah, right.
Now this is dancing; not what they do today.
Usually the female is featured, but here the young man steals the show - his legs are like liquid magic. And, bless her heart, she lets him shine.

He's 17 and she's only 15. But together, they won the 2012 Junior Division National Carolina Shag Dancing Championships.

They're dancing to Joe Turner's "Flip, Flop and Fly."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF80SbicjBE&feature=player_embedded