Cherry Pie

I hate to see a request for feedback with 0 responses. Fetish isn't really my thing, but I gave your story a read. I do love quick, bite-sized (pun intended) stories.

"Cherry Pie" is well constructed and cleanly written. If there were any typos I didn't notice them, so well done there. The pacing was good. The sex was very intimate and very personal and I enjoyed it more than I expected to. Normally, I think it's lazy for a narrator to tell the reader their height and weight, but I can see why it was necessary in this instance. I think you did a better job describing Mrs. Riely without resorting to numbers though.

My only real criticism is the lack of dialogue. The characters never talk to each other. The narrator tells us they said things, but we very rarely see a line of dialogue and I don't think there was ever an exchange. For example...

"I told her she was very pretty and shouldn't worry about losing weight."​

Why not write out the conversation? Let us know exactly what was said and how it was responded to. That would give the reader a much more intimate look into the emotions and motivation behind the budding relationship.

So overall, good story. I enjoyed it more than I expected to, but I would have liked more dialogue.
 
I liked the story too, although it calls for a certain suspension of caloric disbelief. I agree with Loqui that you're a competent writer. The emotions in the story are tender and sweet, and I found the self-effacing narrator to be interesting and sympathetic. The story and its companion seem to have been fairly well received, fetish not being the most widely read category. So, good job.
 
you could have mentioned she'd been starving herself, if I hadn't eaten all day I could probably eat a whole pie, but not with that much ice cream, I also expected his dick to wind up in the last slice of pie so that felt a little forced when you wrote it accidentally happened. I agree about the dialogue, and I was honestly thinking it was a different kind of story as in my mind a cherry pie is going down on a woman during that time of the month.

Yes food can be nearly orgasmic, but not 2x in a row
 
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