Humor Thread

Backpacking

An Australian was backpacking in Scotland. He met a gorgeous redheaded lass, and they fell in lust. One day, as they were about to leave his hostel for Edinburgh, a huge Highlander, kilt and all that, blocked their path to the car. "You," he scowled, "Masturbate, now!"

"But-" protested the Aussie

"Shu up an do it!"

He unzipped his fly and flogged his log. When he blew his
load, the Highlander growled, "do it again!"

He duly complied and shot his load again.

"Do it again!" Again, he wanked until he blew. "Now ye can drive my daughter to Edinburgh."

Some Cute Odds and Ends

What’s the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity…

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45lbs

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they sit around in the dark and bitch about it.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest, with a sharp knife.

Why are men like parking spaces?
Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because all those men have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same reason a dog chases a cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in the third grade..
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, she is 18 after all.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom..

What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?
Say “Nice Dick.”

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say to the Dr. when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it’s mine…?

What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.00 and Deer nuts are always under a Buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did O.J Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone there has the same DNA.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Why do men have difficulty in making eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

How do you know when your having a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you “Let’s just be friends.”

What three two-letter words means small?
Is it in yet..?


What’s the difference between a Northern Zoo and a Southern Zoo?
The southern Zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the
bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .'


'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'

'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day,
he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet
watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

See - Men just don't listen!

Hi Molly, always good to see your name and lovely picture on the humor thread. Thanks for posting here.

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
Withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Theis was sent to me by a friend that lives in the UK. I had to wipe tears from my eyes befoire I could shaire this with ya'll.



I have a mate. He's a bad influence. When he and I get together, we're positively chaotic. This episode tells of a time shortly after he was blessed with his first child. Sit back and enjoy.

So my mate lives on a fairly remote farm. Not served by regular trash pickup, he is quite canny with his rubbish. Once their little crotchfruit came along, however, he and the missus quickly (within three days) tired of terry-towelling nappies, and bought disposables. All was fine for four months. To deal with the disposables, he simply tossed them into a 55-gallon oil drum outside the house.

Well, the inevitable happened and one day, the drum was full. This happily coincided with a hot autumn day, a visit from yours truly, and less happily, after quite a lot of beer had been drunk. What to do, what to do?

Burying? Nope - not biodegradable. Can't take it to the dump, we're all too pissed. No more drums, so can't start another load. I know; let's burn it! It's, after all, a metal oil drum. That'll work great! Ah, but the drum is full - to the very brim - with sh*tty nappies.

So Dumb and Dumber dug out a drill and cut a hole about a foot from the bottom of the drum. We then dribbled, over the course of the next two hours, five (FIVE!) gallons of petrol into the top of the barrel.

Then - and we both thought we were SO very clever - we used some detonation cord, and ran it through the hole in the bottom of the drum to light the petrol from the base of the fire.

Now - picture this in slow motion - the following things happened. The det cord lit. The burning ACME-like spark travelled prettily along the cord. It vanished into the freshly cut hole in the drum. There was a rumbling sound. That was the oh-no-second. We turned around and began to run. Behind us there was a sort of squishBOOM sound as the tragically explosive mixture of petrol and festering, rancid nappies exploded.

So here's what happened next. It turns out that (who knew?) 55-gallon oil drums are stronger than nappies, especially when the top of the drum is missing. When you ignite a tightly packed drum full of nappies from the bottom, you have created a superb nappy cannon. As we found out. After the squishBOOM, there was a louder FLOOOOOOM sound. I looked over my shoulder to see a huge tongue of fire leaping out of the drum, and balls of fire above that.

The balls of fire turned out to be flaming, sh!t filled nappies - which flew about 300 feet into the air and then started raining down on the house, the cars, the tractor, us and everything else. We also found out that stamping on them to put them out isn't nice.

The smell was truly incredible. Some of those nappies had been festering throughout a British summer, at the bottom of the nappy cannon. The sound of the molotov shittails thumping down around us, along with the smell of roasting piss, **** and rotten nappy will stay with me forever.

The final crowning glory was when his wife came out of the farmhouse, looked around at the still-unfolding carnage, muttered "******* hell" and went back inside - not knowing that at least 30 flaming balls of shite were setting fire to the roof above her head.

We eventually got the fires put out, with not too much damage to property, but I was banned for a LONG time.

You might be a redneck if...

Your wife/girlfriend wears a strapless dress and a bra with straps

You see a billboard that says "say no to crack" you think it's a reminder to pull up your pants.

You go to family reunions to pick up chicks

If a member of your family was killed shortly after saying "y'all watch this!"

If you've ever shot anything from your bedroom window

If it's easier to napalm the backyard than do gardening

If you mow the lawn and find a car

You own a mobile home and 14 cars that aren't (mobile)

A state trooper asks you for ID and you say "about what?"

Your dad dies and your mother and aunt are arguing over who gets to be the widow

Your grandma will arm wrestle you for the drumstick at Christmas dinner

Your sister is the third generation of your family to give birth after an alien abduction.

The people on the Jerry Springer Show remind you of your neighbours

You have guns loaded for special occasions

You've ever lost a gun in the house

You think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy

If fifth grade was the best five years of your life

A fun calculator

For those of you who have not seen this one yet.

Here is your new calculator for the home or office
....and it's also fun to use while on the phone!! Test all the keys

THE CALCULATOR REALLY WORKS. TURN ON SOUND.

http://www.joke-pages.com/jokes/images/org-calc.swf

Ways To Turn Men Down

Him: "Can I buy you a drink?"
Her: "Actually I'd rather have the money."

Him: "I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours."
Her: "I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours."

Him: "Hi, didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?"
Her: "Must've been once, I never make the same mistake twice."

Him: "How did you get to be so beautiful?"
Her: "I must have been given your share."

Him: "Where have you been all my life?"
Her: "Well, for half of it I wasn't even born."

Him: "Will you go out with me this Saturday?"
Her: "Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend."

Him: "Your face must turn a few heads."
Her: "And your face must turn a few stomachs."

Him: "Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out."
Her: "Okay, get out."

Him: "I think I could make you very happy."
Her: "Why, are you leaving?"

Him: "What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"
Her: "Nothing, I can't talk and laugh at the same time."

Him: "Can I have your name?"
Her: "Why, don't you already have one?"

Him: "Shall we go see a movie?"
Her: "I've already seen it."

Him: "Where have you been all my life?"
Her: "Hiding from you."

Him: "Haven't I seen you some place before?"
Her: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Him: "Is this seat empty?"
Her: "Yes, and this one will be if you sit down."

Him: "So, what do you do for a living?"
Her: "I'm a female impersonator."

Him: "Hey baby, what's your sign?
Her: "Do not enter."

Him: "Your body is like a temple."
Her: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Him: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Her: "If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Him: "Where have you been all my life?"
Her: "Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams."

A few more replies

A friend of mine swears the quickest way to get rid of an unwanted come-on is simply look him in the eye and ask, "Are you saved?"

He says: Can I buy you a drink?
She says: I already have one asshole in my pants, I dont need another...

"I'm a single mum with 4 kids."

"I'm a devout Christian, and don't believe in pre-marital sex."

Man starts chatting to to a lady in a singles bar, after a while he says to her "I guess we're both here for the same reason"
She replies "Yeah you're right. Come on lets go off somewhere - and go pick up some women"

I've had a women once tell me that she was there hoping to pick up a man and I was just getting in the way. Ouch!!!

(OK, these are jokes, didn't happen to me. LOL)
DG

This made me laugh. I guess I wasn't expecting it.
DG

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me."
He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door."
She did.
He then said, "Get on your knees.."
She did.
Then he said, "Take down my zipper."
She did.
He said, "Go ahead...take it out."
She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well . . go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO . . . MOM?

Texas Sex

Might have posted this before but it's worth another read.
DG

The Rodeo Position

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.
One said, "think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Girl, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student
agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with
as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"
The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is
wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."

The Bottle Of Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally .

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

'Good trade.....'

DG Hear said:

Hi Molly, always good to see your name and lovely picture on the humor thread. Thanks for posting here.

Click to expand...

You say the sweetest things.

Trial

In A Trial, A Small Town Prosecuting Attorney Called His First Witness To The Stand: An Elderly Grandmother.

He Approached Her And Asked, "mrs. Jones, Do You Know Me?"

She Responded, "why, Yes I Do Know You, Mr. Williams. I've Known You Since You Were A Young Boy. And Frankly, You've Been A Big Disappointment To Me. You Lie, You Cheat On Your Wife, You Manipulate People And Talk About Them Behind Their Backs.

You Think You're A Big Shot When You Haven't The Brains To Realize You Never Will Amount To Anything More Than A Two-bit Paper Pusher. Yes, I Know You".

The Lawyer Was Stunned. Not Knowing What Else To Do, He Pointed Across The Room And Asked, "mrs. Jones, Do You Know The Defense Attorney?

She Again Replied, "why Yes, I Do. I've Known Mr. Bradley Since He Was A Youngster, Too.
He's Lazy, Bigoted, And He Has A Drinking Problem. He Can't Build A Normal Relationship With Anyone And His Law Practice Is One Of The Worst In The Entire State. Not To Mention He Cheated On His Wife With Three Different Women. Yes, I Know Him".

The Defense Attorney Almost Died!

At This Point, The Judge Brought The Courtroom To Silence, Called Both Counselors To The Bench, And In A Very Quiet Voice Said, "if Either Of You Idiots Ask Her If She Knows Me, You'll Be Jailed For Contempt."

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.' The next day the grandmother died.

'Holy sh!t thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.' He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!'

SweetWitch said:

You say the sweetest things.

Click to expand...

Only when it's true, my dear friend.

Confucius Says;

Man who run in
front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind
car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different
to midget.

Russian Roulette – African Style

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated
to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said. "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger".

This troubled the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior race, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. [click] [click]

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".

So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick”.

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger? "

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, "One of them is a cannibal”.

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'He then addressed the men, 'For instance, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?' And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

Today's jokes [2.24.09]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when
his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.


1.
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Categories: Situations, Women

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What did Marv Albert do after NBC gave him the pink slip?

He put it on.


2.
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Category: Celebrities

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If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and
Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one
would win?

Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that
harass is one word.

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing
a young girl as she walked by the construction site.
She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.
Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"
The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when
even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"

A little boy is running from room to room in his house, happily slapping a balloon in the air. His mother has finally had enough.

"Danny, do not play with that balloon any longer. You'll break something. I'm going out and when I come back, you better not be playing with it in the house."

She leaves and Danny is mad. He tries to flush the balloon down the toilet, but it sticks halfway in and won't budge. He leaves it there and runs off.

Mom returns with stomach pains. She runs in the bathroom and shits messily in the toilet. When she stands up she sees a brown lump in the bowl. She figures it's clogged and calls a plumber.

The plumber arrives and pokes at the lump with a screwdriver. POP! The balloon sprays shit all over him and the bathroom.

The mother comes running in. "Oh my God, what happened?"

The plumber wipes his face. "I've been a plumber for 20 years now, and this is the first time I've actually seen a fart."