More Humour

A bloke playing Blackjack in Vegas, gets dealt an 8+6.
Fairy appears on his shoulder and says "Buy the next card for 500 bucks", man says "Are you crazy, I've got fourteen"
"Buy it, 500 bucks", the guy buys the card, it's a 5, "I'll stick"
"No no no, buy the next card, 1000 bucks"
"I've got 19 for christs sake, I'm holding"
"No no no, buy the next card, 1000 bucks" says the fairy.
The guy buys the next card, it's an ace "20, that's it"
"No no no, buy the next card 5000 bucks"
" There's only 3 aces left in the pack, this is crazy" says the guy.
"Buy the next card, 5000 bucks", so the guy buys the next card which the dealer slowly turns over, it's another ace "
"You jammy b@stard" says the fairy!
 
If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent", the S or the C?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

The word "swims" upside down is still "swims".

Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

100 yrs ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had 2 yrs to live in 1953 are probably dead.

If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to
each of them.

Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
 
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been together for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty- two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.

One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I get married and commit my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up."

I was stunned and frozen in shock, as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door, I opened the door, and headed straight toward my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is . . .

Always keep your condoms in your car
 
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord, grant me one wish. "
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the LORD said:
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said "Please Lord build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I wish"
The Lord said "Your request is very materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me"

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord I wish that I could understand women, I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy".

The Lord said "Do want two or four lanes on that bridge?"
 
Quote from - Eleanor Roosevelt

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'


:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
 
The economy and cows. Economic Models With Cows.

SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

BRITISH AEROSPACE:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.


ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ' Cowkimon ' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and Milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and Learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. Stop counting cows because you're sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.


IRAQI CORPORATION:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....


NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office, paddle down the coast And have a barbie on the beach.
 
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

*

I just ate four cans of Alphabetti Spaghetti.
I predict a rather large vowel movement coming up

Every morning I go for a walk and I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day; it’s a vicious cycle

A bloke said to me he once got his dog to retrieve a stick from a 100 miles away........I said that's a bit far-fetched

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it has to want to change.

*

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me today. My injuries were super fish oil

Me: Oh look, a flock of cows
Wife: Herd of cows....
Me: Of course I've heard of cows, there's a flock of them over there!


Somebody hit me with a power tool earlier. I was just standing there minding my own business, when suddenly…..Bosch!


I used to make believe that I had a Japanese friend. It was my imagine Asian…


We've had someone break into our house overnight and steal 200 cans of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night?


I bought a thesaurus once when I got home I found all the pages were blank; there were no words to describe how angry I was...


AND NOW, TIME TO CRINGE...


I never get hungry at the beach, because of all the sand which is there

After a terrible time with Diarrhoea and a long struggle with Hypercholesterolemia, I finally won the spelling contest! ��

I love telling cheesy jokes, but my friends are laughtose intolerant.

I used to have a fear of speed bumps... But I'm slowly getting over it

My eldest child is not impressed with me because because because because becauuuusssssssse, he thinks I'm obsessed with The Wizard of Oz

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe me, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

A man went to the zoo. All they had to exhibit was a dog. It was a shih tzu.

A man goes into the hospital with 6 plastic horses up his backside. The doctors described his condition as stable.

What did the perverted frog say? "Rubbit".

Just bought a bird of prey. It only exercises at night though to 80's music. Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

At any given time, the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away. A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

If you get cold, just stand in a corner. It is always 90 degrees there.

It has been statistically proved that six out of the seven dwarfs are not Happy

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
Aye matey.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

I went to see the Jersey Boys in London last night. Very disappointing. Not one of them was wearing a jumper.

My local church has opened a resturant in the grounds called
' The Lord Giveth"
They will be opening a takeaway soon.

I took the shell off a snail to see if it would make it go faster. If anything, it made it more sluggish.

I've just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants, he says I've got feefiphobia...

I just treated myself to a vintage Rolls Royce, but unfortunately my budget didn't cover a driver.
So I've spent all that money and I've got nothing to chauffeur it

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
 
Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a Full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, 'You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation.'
He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again.
They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.

Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home.
This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Dave said, 'Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?'

Pat burst into tears. 'I can't!'

'What? Why not?' asked Dave.

'Because,' she sobbed, 'I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!'

'What?!' Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.

'I'm so sorry,' says Pat. 'You have a right to be angry with me.'

'You b*****d!' Dave screamed, his face bright red. 'You cheating b*****!
All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!'
 
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart Attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer Fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese and Drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Here endeth the Lesson
 
I’m through dating women a lot younger than me. I bought my girl a very large, very expensive gift, and when she opened it, she ignored the present and started playing in the box.
 
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked , and that he must commit suicide if he does.
So next Saturday, at 4 pm.gmt , all British women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti -terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate that they think it is O.K. to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all British women.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.
The British government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.God Bless Britain!
It is your patriotic duty to pass this on!
 
Top Ten Times in History...when using the "F" word was appropriate...

10) "What the fuck was that?"-Mayor of Hiroshima

9) "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"-Custer

8) "Any fucking idiot could understand that."-Einstein

7) "It does SO fucking look like her!"-Picasso

6) "How the fuck did you work that out?"-Pythagoras

5) "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"-Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain."-Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered fucking showers...my ass!"-Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!"-JFK

1) "Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?"-Bill Clinton
 
“What would you do if I died”
Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that come my way.”

This might be the stupidest question as illustrated by the following stupid exchange:-

“Dear,” said the wife, “what would you do if I died?”
“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do you ask such a question?”
“Would you remarry?” persevered the wife.
“No, of course not, dear” said the husband.
“Don’t you like being married?” said the wife.
“Of course I do, dear” he said.
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
“All right,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”
“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
“Yes” said the husband.
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause.
“Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.
“I see,” said the wife indignantly. “And would you let her wear my old clothes?
“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.
“Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”
“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.”
“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs too.”
“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left-handed...”
 
Mary had a little lamb
It tasted good with mint sauce
But I cooked it way too long
And now I need my tooth floss

Debbie :heart:
 
I had a little parrot once
whose life, it seems was fated
It fell into the Butter
now its poly-saturated.

[Flanders & Swann]
 
The thunder god went for a ride
Upon his favourite filly.
"I'm Thor." He cried,
the horse replied
"You forgot your thaddle thilly."
 
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in
the river.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.
He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
 
Two ugly sisters from Fordham,
Went out for a walk 'til it bored 'em;
On the way back,
A Sex-maniac,
Jumped out of a bush and ignored 'em
 
There was this Scottish painter who believed in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

The local Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine!

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly, there was a loud clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

"Repaint! Repaint! Go ye, and thin no more!"
 
The One that Didn't Get Away!

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week."

"This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

I did...they're in your tackle box. :eek:

.
 
There was a young lady from Athens,
Who hand painted china just lovely!
When people said 'oh'
She said 'I don't care,
You don't get paid much for it anyway.'

Una Merkel's ditzy character in the 1931 movie "Don't Bet on Women."
 
Guy goes into a bar and buys a drink.
He's looking around the bar and sees some signs.
The first says 'Beefburger - £1.50', the next sign says 'Chicken & Chips £3.50';
the third sign says 'Hand job - £10.00'
He goes over to a stunning barmaid and says "are you the young lady who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes sir" she says,

He replies; "Well go and wash your hands, I want a beefburger"
 
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and then we're all fucked..."
 
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