Is my marriage over???

I am in a 12 year marrage with my soul mate. Life was great except she kept hinting that she wanted me to be rougher in the bedroom. I ignored this plea for a long time...however after an argument i decided to give BDSM a try. Come to find out i love it! Now im not the best...im stull learning. But the little i was able to do with her drove her nuts! Now the problem lies here. I was very inexperuenced and i did alot of google tesearch to become the best DOM i could be. But i guess my efforts were moving to slow...so shr entered a BDSM arrangement with another man. Now i was trying to be the DOM she wanted and i was even learning that i too had an interest in this. But i am a one woman man and i am very possessive of my wife...meaning i am crying as i write this at the thought of her allowing another man to be with her and do the things they have done. Now that she has been caught she swears that its over between them (but still has him on gacebook and other media) but i cant stand to look at her. The thought of another man encroaching on my territory disgusts me....it makes me down right sick! I love her and always will...please help me figure out which direction i should go

-Confused

Essentially - forgive her.

You don't know if that keeps repeating or not.

I always thought that cheating was not something worth breaking the marriage over. I know It's very hard for you, but essentially you should voice your concerns to her, not us. You should talk it over and do this calmly.

There are pitfalls in life and relationships like this. The important thing is being able to move on.
Depending on what her relationship with this guy is, it may be very VERY hard for her to let him go entirely. Stop sleaping with him - oh yes, definitely, that she will have to do. But what if they became really close friends over ordinary things too? Can you really ask your wife, your soulmate to stop talking with a friend.

It's easy for me to say, right? But really, what you need is to calm down. Accept this thing that happened in your life and ensure that there's no reasons for it to happen again.

What she did is bad. But it's not unforgivable, if you really love her.

And as far as BDSM goes - ask away here, you will hear a lot of good suggestions and advices from the community.
Tell us what your wife wants. And we'll help you to make it great and make it safe.
One advice though. Don't even THINK of "punishing" her for what she did as part of your Dom play. This will ruin the intimacy, the trust, IMO. It's between you two. No need to involve this sad affair and this outer bitterness in your games.

JUDOROE said:

I am in a 12 year marrage with my soul mate. Life was great except she kept hinting that she wanted me to be rougher in the bedroom. I ignored this plea for a long time...however after an argument i decided to give BDSM a try. Come to find out i love it! Now im not the best...im stull learning. But the little i was able to do with her drove her nuts! Now the problem lies here. I was very inexperuenced and i did alot of google tesearch to become the best DOM i could be. But i guess my efforts were moving to slow...so shr entered a BDSM arrangement with another man. Now i was trying to be the DOM she wanted and i was even learning that i too had an interest in this. But i am a one woman man and i am very possessive of my wife...meaning i am crying as i write this at the thought of her allowing another man to be with her and do the things they have done. Now that she has been caught she swears that its over between them (but still has him on gacebook and other media) but i cant stand to look at her. The thought of another man encroaching on my territory disgusts me....it makes me down right sick! I love her and always will...please help me figure out which direction i should go

-Confused

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sissy is not an expert, sissy will say what sissy thinks and it is up to Confused to decide what to do with it.
sissy is sub to Wife and the two are bbf, we share everything and yes She has men that She has sex with, this is different than you. sissy is not a man but a sissy and loves Her more than anything and allows Her to do what She wants and needs. BDSM is a part of the relationship and that part takes a full TRUST in the DOM and sissy trust Her fully.
You say she is your soul mate but the other part is are you her soul mate? You should be sure of this before you make any decision.
If both of you are soul mates then that combination will be very hard to have again and therefore the two of you should be able to get by this.
Best advise sissy can give is , do not rush, take time to consider all things before action.

Therapy for the issues in your marriage that caused her to look elsewhere. Either you'll figure out how to repair/improve the marriage, or you'll realize it's an unhealthy relationship and figure out how to end things as amicably as possible

As for the kink aspect -

Lots of people start their exploration by reading erotica, or getting involved in an online arrangement (that may or may not be real time, as well). People new to BDSM also tend to develop "sub frenzy", which often leads to making incredibly stupid decisions... like deciding a perfectly willing partner isn't doing it right/fast enough/measuring up to the fantasy, and looking outside the relationship.

On one hand, it could be considered perfectly reasonable to ask her to end all contact - including deleting social media contacts - as proof it's over/she is invested in moving forward as a couple. On the other hand, she could just as easily argue that ending all contact - including social media - shows a lack of trust (on your part).

So... therapy. At least enough to figure out if you can move forward, together. If she won't go as a couple, go alone for yourself.

Rick_Rude said:

Sounds like a made up story to me... let's assume that you are telling the truth. A true dom would kick her sorry lying cheating ass to the curb, then fuck her best friend, or her sister, or her mom.

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A "true dom"? Oy vey...

Denny

Is my marriage over???

Yes!

You may stay together forever. But the romance and the love is gone.

Why is bdsm even the issue here?

If she's your soulmate, she wouldn't be fucking around, period.

She cheated on you. It has nothing to do with Dom, not dom.

I'm guessing there's more at play here than this. Find out what it is.

Good luck.

My two bits; This is perhaps not of interest, but it's the way I would approach it.(maybe it's too late to any good ?)

First, I don't subscribe to the "possessive" concept of love. Love is a cycle of give and receive. I offer my love to another and they have a choice to receive it and offer theirs to me in return. This love cycle is perpetual until one person breaks it. (This cycle can include more than two players too)

You never possess another soul...never. I would suggest that you begin with this concept and then decide if you can continue to offer your love to her. If yes, is she willing to continue the cycle?

In regard to polyamory; Has she ever hinted at it? Would you be open to it? There are many who have found that the addition of another into their love does not diminish that love, but often enhances it.

I suggest you do what others have said; Pause and recollect your emotions. Then think through the options. Then, and only then, have a serious open conversation where there is no anger, condemnation, threats or fears. Discuss your shared love, hopes and even sexual needs. Then pause and go someplace quiet and think some more.

Love is a rare and precious thing...sometimes fragile as well. But it is also the most powerful force a human can have, and worth all efforts to maintain.

Just don't be rash, it will only make it worse.

The "sub frenzy" seems to make the most sense.

JUDOROE said:

The "sub frenzy" seems to make the most sense.

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I thought the same thing, JUDOROE. We all often do things to an extreme when we first discover something we really like. The good news is; you were also beginning to like the thrill of the new bdsm experiences. I truly hope it works out well for you both.

cookiecat said:

Why is bdsm even the issue here?

If she's your soulmate, she wouldn't be fucking around, period.

She cheated on you. It has nothing to do with Dom, not dom.

I'm guessing there's more at play here than this. Find out what it is.

Good luck.

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Definitely.

There seems, as in most cases where relationships fall apart, a break down in communication. She already told you she had desires you were not quenching. As most people do, you let it go too far before yo decided it was time to try and fix it. No one here can tell you if your marriage is over. You need to talk to your wife. Tell her what you want and what you are not willing to tolerate. If the two of you can can work things out then great. But instead of asking a bunch of strangers you need to talk to her. I wish the best for you and your wife. I really hope you can work things out. Again I will tell you to listen to her. She may have already made her decision. 12 years is an investment. Hopefully you are both willing to work with each other to make it work.

yukonnights said:

I thought the same thing, JUDOROE. We all often do things to an extreme when we first discover something we really like. The good news is; you were also beginning to like the thrill of the new bdsm experiences. I truly hope it works out well for you both.

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Sub frenzy is pretty powerful. I've had some odd moments when my pussy overtook my brain (a simplistic way too look at it but that's how it felt).

Mistakes happen. This was a big one. You can't stand to look at her anymore, this "disgusts" you. That's a pretty daunting hurdle.

So even if you can chalk it up to sub frenzy, does it help?

Like others here, I wish you the best and hope you can find some middle ground with her.

JUDOROE said:

I am in a 12 year marrage with my soul mate. Life was great except she kept hinting that she wanted me to be rougher in the bedroom. I ignored this plea for a long time...however after an argument i decided to give BDSM a try. Come to find out i love it! Now im not the best...im stull learning. But the little i was able to do with her drove her nuts! Now the problem lies here. I was very inexperuenced and i did alot of google tesearch to become the best DOM i could be.
-Confused

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A few thoughts ... just from a relationship outside-looking-in perspective.

1. Lots of hurt feelings on both sides. Lots of failed expectations on both sides. Lots of soul-searching on both sides. All of this got you where you are now, and can likely help you get out.

2. For -me-. If I'm 'into' the guy .. husband/partner whatever .. I'm 'into' him. Being a 'submissive' personality (not necessarily submissive .. still figuring that one out) .. it wouldn't matter what necessarily 'he' was into .. I'd likely be trying to figure out the way to please 'him'. Because that's where I get my 'joy' so to speak. So, to all extensive purposes, she is and has shown you contempt and disrespect by going outside of the relationship. This would indicate the end to 'that' relationship...or that part of the relationship.

3. At the same time, acceptance dictates that we (imo here) do not ever 'own' our partners and when we fall into the trap of believing that we do, we start to kill all of the elements that allowed the partnership to happen in the first place. Think about it. We meet each other, bestow our affections on each other and at first are appreciative of this. Then somewhere down the road, we're 'in' a relationship and all of a sudden, the appreciation goes..we take each other for granted, the walls close in and the whole thing starts to collapses .. unless we can keep it very clear in the forefront of our minds that we are very fortunate to be in a position to have that person in our lives at all.

So .. here you have, the death of the 'old' relationship and it looks like a choice to make. Can you accept her right now, for exactly -who- she is .. right now (assuming you have the chance) and be happy in the present for the privilege of being with her? Or are you more likely to be angry and hurt and such because the 'old' relationship died?

To me, it sounds as if you are both glad that the old relationship died .. you just have to decide if you can move on and include her in your new one .. or need to find someone else.