I submitted My first poem and I would appreciate any feedback. Thank you in advance.
https://www.literotica.com/p/tiger-1
https://www.literotica.com/p/tiger-1
Poem feedback
- Thread starter Bottswana
- Start date
UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
- Joined
- May 20, 2007
- Posts
- 15,794
Done.
Thank you UnderYourSpell. The reason I used the capitalization on some words within the body of My work, is because I am an old school DOM. Any possessive pronouns that pertain to Me, I capitalize. Old habits. Just wanted to explain. I am taking all the comments to heart and I do thank you.
Magnetron
Deep Under Groundhog
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2014
- Posts
- 4,089
Can you see Me there lurking by the tree <-not needed
Watching and waiting for you to come close to Me <- suggest replacing with a comma
My eyes, so round, piercing and green <- suggest replacing with a comma
Sees <- "See" ; a pair of eyes is singular the look on your face it is so serene <- not needed
My nostrils flare, My tongue flicks out <- not needed
To capture the musky scent your body puts out <- just say "capturing"
My paws clench, My nails extend <- not needed
My <- suggest replacing with "For the" attack, you are hopeless to defend
My body flies through the air
My fangs sink in under your hair <- suggest replacing with "Fangs sinking"
I land on your back, you can feel the beast <- suggest replace with "Landing"
The pent up need, soon to be released
I want to feed upon your flesh and juice
A writhing entanglement of Us, you try to get loose <- suggest replacing with "from which"
I thrust <- suggest replace with "Thrusting" in deep, over and over some more <-redundant; suggest replacing with "till I can thrust no more" until you can find a rhyme that sounds less forced
Sinking in to your very warm core <- suggest replacing with "Penetrating" because you already used "sink" earlier
Our growls and purrs makes the jungle go silent
As My seed inside your womb is shot and spent
We look at Each Other when We pull apart
Knowing We have captured Each Other's heart
Together We can face life's strife and distress,
I am your Tiger, you are My tigress
Too many "My" and "I", which is why I came up with alternatives for you to try.
Watching and waiting for you to come close to Me <- suggest replacing with a comma
My eyes, so round, piercing and green <- suggest replacing with a comma
Sees <- "See" ; a pair of eyes is singular the look on your face it is so serene <- not needed
My nostrils flare, My tongue flicks out <- not needed
To capture the musky scent your body puts out <- just say "capturing"
My paws clench, My nails extend <- not needed
My <- suggest replacing with "For the" attack, you are hopeless to defend
My body flies through the air
My fangs sink in under your hair <- suggest replacing with "Fangs sinking"
I land on your back, you can feel the beast <- suggest replace with "Landing"
The pent up need, soon to be released
I want to feed upon your flesh and juice
A writhing entanglement of Us, you try to get loose <- suggest replacing with "from which"
I thrust <- suggest replace with "Thrusting" in deep, over and over some more <-redundant; suggest replacing with "till I can thrust no more" until you can find a rhyme that sounds less forced
Sinking in to your very warm core <- suggest replacing with "Penetrating" because you already used "sink" earlier
Our growls and purrs makes the jungle go silent
As My seed inside your womb is shot and spent
We look at Each Other when We pull apart
Knowing We have captured Each Other's heart
Together We can face life's strife and distress,
I am your Tiger, you are My tigress
Too many "My" and "I", which is why I came up with alternatives for you to try.
Last edited:
champagne1982
Dangerous Liaison
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2002
- Posts
- 7,671
I agree with Mags here. You have too much of "the poet" in the poem and not enough metaphor and imagery in my opinion.
Every line seems to tell the reader what is happening, what the poetic subject is feeling and how this makes the reader react. Try to think of ways to show the reader of your poem two tigers mating instead of telling us about two tigers mating.
It's a fine distinction but if you indicated that the wavering stripes seem to become one image as the two get closer, i'm pretty certain your audience would know that you meant that they join physically as well as metaphorically.
I can't tell you how to improve your poem, all I can say is that for me you are not taking me on the sensual journey of 2 tigers fucking. I'm sure the submissive tigress in your poem will love it and especially love that it comes from you.
Thank you for sharing your words
UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
- Joined
- May 20, 2007
- Posts
- 15,794
Well I suppose that explains My, but unless you explain every time you post nobody else is going to get it either!
well you don't need to worry about that. I won't be posting again. I wrote something My submissive and I enjoyed very much, and I wanted to see if other people liked it too. I asked for feedback hoping others may like it or dislike it. Not expecting people to either tell Me the style was wrong, rewriting it themselves or trying to put words in My mouth. Hopefully the three of you don't treat everyone like this that asks for feedback.
Unfortunately anyone that asks for feedback here gets honest opinions from long standing poets who know the business of poetry, there should be no need for them to apologize to you, since you asked for an opInion. If you cannot accept that these poets have read hundredsof of poems like this and are trying to nudge you to improve then the onus of that emotional state is your own.
No one trashed you writing skills
No one attacked you, as a person
They did as you asked
Critiqued the write to the best of their abilities, at your request.
The least you can do is be thankful for their time, not dismissive because your feelings were hurt
Magnetron
Deep Under Groundhog
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2014
- Posts
- 4,089
You asked for any feedback on the first poem you submitted, implying that you might be writing a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc.
So I gave you feedback illustrating how your 1st poem could be improved - without simply posting a rewrite of it.
I showed you what the poem "could look like" without overusing the same words and deleting a few others.
Next time be more specific on what kind of feedback you want.
I sincerely hope you stick around and volunteer more poetry.
butters
High on a Hill
- Joined
- Jul 2, 2009
- Posts
- 81,457
except you insulted those who spent the time reading and offering their breakdown of thoughts on your write. rude.
there's a lot about your piece that could be improved upon, but that's a journey you have to be ready to make. opinions offered here are given in good faith and not with the intent you seem to infer; you'll also notice people can give opposing views. ALL of this feedback is valuable to you if you wish to grow as a writer - it gifts valuable perspective and insight whether you choose to employ any of the suggestions offered or not. this isn't the kind of poetry site that ''Critiques'' with a capital C with the purpose of boosting the cred of the critter. we just don't do that here.
Last edited:
greenmountaineer
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2008
- Posts
- 2,442
Bottswana,
An unwritten rule of thumb around here is "It's your poem. Don't change a thing if you don't want to after considering feedback, but consider this...."
I believe you misconstrued the good intentions of the PF&D regulars who gave the feedback; no harm, no foul as far as I'm concerned. Stick around. Lurk if you want to, but it's better to participate.
Good luck with your writing in any event.
An unwritten rule of thumb around here is "It's your poem. Don't change a thing if you don't want to after considering feedback, but consider this...."
I believe you misconstrued the good intentions of the PF&D regulars who gave the feedback; no harm, no foul as far as I'm concerned. Stick around. Lurk if you want to, but it's better to participate.
Good luck with your writing in any event.
Magnetron
Deep Under Groundhog
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2014
- Posts
- 4,089
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1294664
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1310664
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1329588
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1348416
Some of us drool at the prospect of having our poems critiqued in similar fashion.
UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
- Joined
- May 20, 2007
- Posts
- 15,794
The most important thing you need to learn is that critique isn't criticism. Go and look it up in a dictionary. Nobody here insulted you but gave an honest opinion which we presumed from your original post is what you wanted. It would seem what you really wanted was praise and nothing but.
Every poet on this forum has accepted critique, some more gracefully than others and I must admit that when I first came here, I went off in a hissy fit too. But I came back and I learned from my betters who knew far more than I did.
As greenmountaineer said it's yours, if you like it don't change it, nobody's forcing you, but it you ask for feedback (critique) then that's what you'll get. Accept it and learn.
legerdemer
lost at sea
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2014
- Posts
- 7,319
From the on-line Merriam-Webster:
Definition of feedback
1
: the return to the input of a part of the output of a machine, system, or process (as for producing changes in an electronic circuit that improve performance or in an automatic control device that provide self-corrective action)
2
a : the partial reversion of the effects of a process to its source or to a preceding stage
b : the transmission of evaluative or corrective information about an action, event, or process to the original or controlling source; also : the information so transmitted
3
: a rumbling, whining, or whistling sound resulting from an amplified or broadcast signal (as music or speech) that has been returned as input and retransmitted
I've now participated, to one extent or another, in four poetry sites, one of them run by a poetry magazine. I return here to the Poetry Feedback & Discussion forum time and time again BECAUSE of the high quality feedback I received when I first joined, and which has gotten better and better. People don't pull punches here. They give you what you ask for.
I don't always make the suggested changes, but I always listen because, for whatever reason, the folks here happen to have great ears and feel for poetry. And when they comment, they do it respectfully.
Oh, and PS I can't resist - dude, what kind of Dom are you if your feelings are hurt by a little honest criticism?
Definition of feedback
1
: the return to the input of a part of the output of a machine, system, or process (as for producing changes in an electronic circuit that improve performance or in an automatic control device that provide self-corrective action)
2
a : the partial reversion of the effects of a process to its source or to a preceding stage
b : the transmission of evaluative or corrective information about an action, event, or process to the original or controlling source; also : the information so transmitted
3
: a rumbling, whining, or whistling sound resulting from an amplified or broadcast signal (as music or speech) that has been returned as input and retransmitted
I've now participated, to one extent or another, in four poetry sites, one of them run by a poetry magazine. I return here to the Poetry Feedback & Discussion forum time and time again BECAUSE of the high quality feedback I received when I first joined, and which has gotten better and better. People don't pull punches here. They give you what you ask for.
I don't always make the suggested changes, but I always listen because, for whatever reason, the folks here happen to have great ears and feel for poetry. And when they comment, they do it respectfully.
Oh, and PS I can't resist - dude, what kind of Dom are you if your feelings are hurt by a little honest criticism?
UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
- Joined
- May 20, 2007
- Posts
- 15,794
Similar threads
