The Long Lost One (Open for Female)

The Long Lost One (Closed for Felisconcolor)

(Disclaimer-It's been some time since I've written anything of this nature, so apologies if the words that flow here are less than perfect. I do like to do a little bit of a build and some development, hopefully that works well for a partner.)

I could hardly believe it when I looked at my inbox.

Settling in on the couch after another 10 hour day, I flipped my laptop open to do the customary perusal of my gmail account. I'd peeked at it on my phone a couple of times during the afternoon, but a day full of meetings had kept me at a distance from it, as usual.

Before I could get to the usual series of emails from friends, the endless Brookstone and Groupon offers, there it was-a name I hadn't seen in almost 7 years.

The last time I'd seen her name was not long before the last time I'd seen her. She'd handed me a new business card with the comment 'They want me to move to Portland. It's a promotion.'

I turned the heavy cardstock over in my fingers, mulling the words. I'd supposed at the time that my only option was to be happy for her, for the opportunity she'd worked for years to obtain, but I knew what the West Coast meant for us: death.

I already had a burgeoning career of my own in Ohio, and much as I'd have loved to pack up and head west, I wasn't ready for the change at 25. I needed to be there for family, friends, and to push my own career forward.

We'd given it a fair shot, which is to say it lasted approximately 3 months and one plane ride each back and forth before we called an end to it. In the intervening 7 years, I'd gotten married and divorced, realizing I possibly hadn't wrapped up some things in my life.

It ended over the phone. A few items-an old sweatshirt, a foul ball I'd caught at an Indians game and given to her, and a few odds and ends arrived in the mail a few weeks later. Before too long, her scent had faded from the sweatshirt, and left me with only a few 'fun' photos she'd taken for me early in our 3 year relationship. Those had survived the marriage-and the divorce, but even they hadn't seen the light of day in almost 3 years.

All of these thoughts converged in my head as I dragged the arrow over the link to open the email, clicking through to discover the purpose...

I kept telling myself that I was just writing to congratulate Daniel on his accomplishments and resulting promotion that was featured in the latest company intranet newsletter. But gazing at his photo in the article, my mind was rewinding through all of the images from our 3 years together. I was startled by how vividly I could recall the details of our joyful days and blissful nights spent together. It was only after I came to Portland that we accumulated any memories *that I classified as unhappy.*

Yet I had left this man solely to advance my career. Yes, it had been a wise professional decision as I had climbed the ladder quickly in this new office. I now have the position and authority that I always aspired to hold.

And I can't deny that meeting and falling in love with Jonathan made the upheaval of starting my life over in a new city worth while. But Jonathan's fatal rock climbing accident happened almost 4 years ago. *Since then, I have literally been alone and miserable. It certainly isn't that I have hidden myself away, but I just can't seem to connect with the men that I have dated. Certainly not in the way that I did with Jonathan.

Nor in the way that Daniel and I had bonded. So my congratulatory email had morphed into so much more......

Re: Congratulations on your recent promotion

Daniel -
I could pretend that I am writing to congratulate you on your promotion, but you would quickly see through the deception. So I will admit upfront that I seek to break the long, unnatural silence that has filled *the aftermath of our relationship. I sincerely hope that you will consider what it has taken me far too long to put into words.

Our separation left a void in my life and, I assume, yours *as well. I have tried repeatedly to fill it, but it remains glaringly empty. Selfishly, *I am hoping that you have been equally unsuccessful. The loss of our friendship and our passion haunts me. And I desperately want to reclaim both. *I admit that even your words in an email would give my life more meaning. That your voice alone would satisfy me more than another man in my *bed.*

Please tell me that you feel the same.....

As I scanned Claire's email, I was quite surprised. The tone and the text were quite contrary to the subject line she'd presented.

Moving from the couch, I carried my laptop out of the living room, into the home office, and laid it upon the desk. I settled in and leaned back in my chair, looking out the window of my home office. From my apartment on Lake Erie, I scanned the sun setting over the water, absorbing her words. Even for late summer, it had been uncommonly humid and sticky outside, especially near the water.

Following the divorce from Julie, though, I needed to be close to the water again. I had grown up within minutes of the shore, and while the lake was not a majestic, pure body of water, it was a source of comfort.

The apartment, initially a bit over my head financially, was a response to a marriage sentence served in the suburbs. Julie had dragged me far away from the city and the water, to a subdivision in the outer suburbs, home of strip malls and homeowners' associations.

Claire had loved the water-she was a former college swimmer, which, last he'd seen her, still showed on her lithe body. He doubted that the Pacific Northwest had done anything to dull that impulse within her.

Admittedly, I was intrigued. This was somewhat out of character for Claire. She'd always been caring in her own way, but this was different. She had always, above all things, been career-focused.

In fact, I understood why she'd made the move those several years ago, even if it hurt. Straight out of her PhD program, she'd been a rising star at their medical device firm. Her work in research and development had first gained the attention of several venture capitalists, which gained the attention of Wall Street, which ensured that Claire would rise as far as she desired.

Eventually, that desire took her to the start-up operation that was being launched on the West Coast. Seeking to capitalize on the technology boom, Claire was offered the opportunity to lead the entire R&D department. She had to take it.

It was with all of these thoughts in his mind that I answered her email.

Re: Congratulations on your recent promotion

Claire,

I admit, I was quite surprised to hear from you. I didn't think promotion announcements from my side of the business registered in the R&D world.

I guess, though, your email explains the real reason. Your message was a welcome distraction-the new position is a mess, the department was wrecked by Tony before he left.

I'd thought several times about reaching out, but the timing never seemed right. Plus, I could never find the words. I'd even heard about Jonathan, for which I'm terribly, terribly sorry. After that, there seemed no way I could ever initiate the contact.

It has been a long time Claire, and while I'm glad to hear from you, our last conversation ended very badly. I'm not even sure that you're aware that I was married and then divorced. It's been very hard, Claire, and yes, I've been chasing a ghost since that Uhaul carried your things away.

But, Claire-I need to know you before we can just crash back into something. Seven years and most of a country separate us, and that's just the beginning of it, I fear. I've no doubt you're still lovely-desirible even, but I don't know that I can flick the switch just like that....

Take care,

Daniel

I had to stop myself from checking my inbox every few minutes after I sent the email to Daniel. I kept telling myself that he was busy in his new position and that would be the cause of any delay in hearing back from him. When I allowed myself to look one last time before going to bed, I found his reply, but it didn't bring a smile to my face.

I was certainly aware that my move to Portland and the collapse of our relationship had been painful for him as well. Yet I thought that he had understood that it was my only hope for advancement. When I learned that he had married, I assumed that he had recovered, put things in perspective. Hearing of his divorce with no other woman rumored as the cause had convinced me that he was still looking for that perfect love. It had sparked something inside of me that I had thought long past rekindling. Yet evidently, being single again did not overcome his turmoil about contacting me.

I reread the message countless times trying to assess if he was dismissing my invitation or just being cautious. He indicated that he would need to get to know me, not that he didn't want to try. That alone gave me hope. My brain told me that I should type out a polite note thanking him for his candor and wishing him good luck straightening out his department. But my heart was screaming loudly not to walk away a second time. Sleep would have to wait. I got another glass of pinot gris and sat down at the keyboard.

Daniel -
I am very pleased that you responded to my message. I will boldly assume that your response is an invitation to share more of my thoughts.

I realize that our failure to keep our relationship alive all those years ago was extremely painful. But perhaps more so for you, since I was able to bury my loss under the heavy burdens of helping to get the new facility running smoothly. I am sincere in telling you that I never meant to cause so much heartache for both of us.

I regret that neither of us ever found the words to convey that we still had deep feelings. In particular, it saddens me that you did not contact me after Jonathan was killed. I was in desperate need of a friend during those months after I lost him. Having you back in my life in any capacity would have meant so much to me.

Yes, I was aware of your marriage and divorce. I will admit that I was hoping that I might hear from you once you had readjusted to being single and sorry when no message ever appeared. When I read about your latest promotion, I decided that I would finally act on my feelings and contact you.

In doing so, I wanted to be completely honest and open with you, no risk of a hidden agenda. So my email may have seemed rather blunt. But you should understand that I don't expect you to flick a switch. I am simply hoping that you will give me the opportunity to convince you that I am not a ghost. I do want us to take time to get to know each other again. To remind each other of the little things that we did and can do again to make each other smile. To show you that I am still the person that you once loved.

We've already crossed that first barrier by these email exchanges. We just need to continue to communicate and see where the resulting conversation takes us. Surely the possible rewards are worth that much, Daniel?

Sincerely ,
Claire

Claire's response hit my inbox while I managed through a restless sleep, and thus, it was with tired eyes that I processed her latest set of words the next morning.

With my left hand, I ran my fingers over my bare chest as my right traced the touch pad of my MacBook, sleepily contemplating her appeals. Her query was modest and challenging all at once. Opening the communication channels, especially via email, wasn't a difficult thing on its face.

I could easily sit at my lap top, tap out a message, and pass it along. It wasn't that simple-it never was with Claire.

Nevertheless, I was intrigued. There was something in her messages that spoke to me, which wasn't surprising. Something about her always spoke to me. Her laugh. The way she twirled a pen in her fingers when deep in thought. The way she would gaze up at me from her knees when....

I shook the thought from my head. Those memories were nice, but just that-memories.

Still, her message was frank, and honest. She deserved that much in return.

********

Claire,

I apologize that my last message was harsh. I was quite tired, and you caught me quite off guard with your first note. You know that I've always been apt at carrying a grudge, and for that I apologize.

What happened between us was indeed a long time ago. You know that carrying a grudge is one of my less desirable traits, of course.

I admit, I had thought of reaching out after the divorce, but it happened not long after you lost your love, and I thought it would be quite out of line. The words just never came to me. Even now, I'm struggling a bit with how to approach you.

I appreciate the kind words on the promotion. I'm finally up in an office on the 23rd floor. So, it's something.

I'm certainly open to reacquainting, Claire. I just hadn't expected you to ever ask for it. I've much to understand about you again-what moves you, what makes you smile. Let's take it one step at a time.

Regards,

Daniel

She couldn't help herself when she read Daniel's reply. A broad smile spread across her slender face. She had reached some recess in his mind where he still harbored feelings for her. He wasn't committing to anything but the conversation. Yet, it was the perfect place to start over. Exploring each other's minds without the distraction of the body's oft times uncontrollable physical desires. She vividly remembered sex with Daniel as passionate and exciting, yet with a tender and loving undertone. She knew holding a conversation with him in the room would threaten her focus. First, they needed to determine if the emotional connection would be repaired, then physical pursuits would surely follow.

Daniel -
Perhaps the place to begin getting reacquainted is by telling you what aspects of me have changed over the years that we have been apart. I was very headstrong and career focused when I made the move. Naively convinced that success in my profession was the foundation on which all other facets of my life would rest. It took me a few years and losing Jonathan to realize that this paradigm does't work for me. Don't get me wrong, my professional life is still exceptionally important. But now, it rests on my true foundation - a contented and fulfilled woman at ease with herself and the relationships that bind her to others. My losses, first us and then Jonathan, taught me this hard lesson. Had I known it 7 years ago, I would have made a better decision.

This knowledge colors the things that make me happy. Sure, I still get a big smile when our team makes a major breakthrough. And I am proud when my expertise is acknowledged by my peers or superiors. I am human and I have an ego, albeit more controlled than it once was. But what truly makes me elated now is enjoying my relationships and those around me. I was so pleased recently to see two friends finally marry after years of pretending that they weren't meant to be together. I was more proud to be the birthing partner for one of my single mom friends than I was to be the president of the national Female Scientists and Engineers Association. So you need to replace that overachiever image that you have of me with that of a woman that prioritizes her relationships with friends and partners and fits her career around them.

That may be enough for you to ponder for a bit. I hope that you will reciprocate and tell me how you perceive yourself to have grown in the past 7 years.

Sincerely,
Claire

Daniel didn't have a chance to sit with Claire's response until after lunchtime. The morning had been filled with meetings-fire drills, really. Having spent the better part of his lunch hour assuaging the concerns of a peer, he finally settled in at his desk with a sandwich and a soda, hoping to catch up on several lagging items.

However, Claire's email had transfixed him-she was clearly looking for a bit more than a mere reconnection of minds. He was pleased to see that she'd found a sense of peace with her life. She'd been through a lot of change in the last 7 years, and Daniel knew that couldn't have been easier on Claire, no matter how strong she felt herself to be.

He felt the need to tread carefully, but he couldn't help but be intrigued. Claire had always aroused something in him, something primal. He expected that something like that may never change.

His fingers found the keys, tapping out what he'd hoped would sound like a well-considered response. He even felt bold near the end and took a turn towards the flirtatious.

Claire,

Thank you for being so willing to open up so quickly after reconnecting. I admit, I hadn't expected much even after your first contact, so consider me pleasantly surprised by your frankness.

I know you've likely learned a great deal about yourself in the past 7 years, especially with some of the things you've been through. Again, I can't imagine what it must have been like to lose a spouse like that.

I'm glad to see that you've allowed yourself to enjoy life outside of your career. I know that being a former athlete, you felt that the laser focus was the path to fulfillment. As we get older, I think we learn that no one thing can bring us everything we need. I've certainly learned that over the past few years.

I do hope that you don't terribly regret the decision you made all those years ago. You can't live in the past, you know that. What's done is done. I don't begrudge you for doing what you felt best.

For me, the last 7 years has taught me how to be more self-reliant. I put far too much of my self-worth on our relationship-on you. I was proud to have you for mine-to show you off. You were gorgeous, bright and funny. I'm sure that you are still all of those things.

But, I'd measured myself by how you felt about me, rather than how I feel about me. Maybe it was the divorce, maybe it's the path my career has taken, but I do know now that I and I alone am responsible for how I feel.

I've also done a much better job of getting back into shape. I've done a couple of spring tri-athlons in the last couple of years, and the training I've done has been great for helping me feel more energetic. Admittedly, though, I'm still not much of a swimmer, especially not compared with you. Are you still getting in the water on a regular basis? I know you always loved what it did for your physique, even once you got past the competitive stage of your life.

Must get back to the grind-you know how it is.

Daniel

Claire's day had been long and intense. She had headed straight for the pool from her office. Swimming laps always reduced her stress level by calming her mind. It was her form of meditation, the rhythm second nature to her body. By the time she showered, grabbed some take out Thai food, and made it back home, it was getting late. Claire knew she should eat and go straight to bed. The ongoing experiments in the lab meant that tomorrow would be a repeat of today, so she needed to be refreshed. Yet while eating her dinner, she opened her email and found Daniel's reply beckoning her to respond.

Daniel-
Just came from the pool. And yes, swimming is still part of my routine, particularly on stressful days such as this one. I think that you are perfectly suited to training for and competing in triathlons. I remember running and biking with you as being a challenge for this swimmer. And the boost in your energy level is so critical for all aspects of your life.

I absolutely agree that mental self image is just as important as physical. I suppose that I was too young to realize that I was part of your self image when we were a couple. You never seemed overly dependent on me. To the contrary, you impressed me as an independent thinker on his own path in life. *It was part of what attracted me to you. Regardless of my misconception, I am so pleased that you feel that you are on more solid footing now.

Do you feel that your improved self image would make for a more equal partnership with a woman? Has this change in you altered what you are seeking in a partner? *More importantly, are you even seeking a partner? Or are you content being independent and traveling your own road? So many questions, yet I truly want to understand where you are in your life, Daniel.

I will quit here before my questioning moves into the realm of badgering. I am tired after walking a tight rope all day. Perhaps that is having undue influence on my need to have answers to all of life's mysteries. *Communicating with you would be so much easier if I could just hear your voice or look into your eyes.

Claire

Daniel flipped off the television, tossing the remote into the corner of the couch. Stretching, he slowly stood from the sofa, feeling a tightness in his right calf. It was likely he'd gone a bit too hard on the bike that afternoon, and probably needed to stretch it out a bit.

It could wait until morning-he wanted to give one last scan of his email before heading to bed, as it was nearly midnight. As he settled in at his desk, Claire's email greeted him at the top of the page. Scanning it, he was taken by her reflective nature. Clearly, she was more than happy to extend more than an olive branch, compelling him to respond in kind.
******************************************

Claire,

Glad to hear that you are still getting time in the water, I know how important that always was to you. I've certainly improved in that realm, but I was clearly more suited for land activities.

Look, we all learn things as we age, without a doubt. I tried very hard to keep from you that I tied as much of my self-worth to our relationship as I did. Looking back, I acknowledge that it wasn't healthy, but, it didn't truly manifest itself until after you departed for the West Coast.

I think losing you, then my marriage a few years later, taught me that I need to trust my own instincts and walk my own path.

Am I seeking a new partner? I don't know that 'seeking' is the word that I'd apply to it. Im open to it, certainly, but work, friends, etc, certainly take enough of my time that lingering at a bar, waiting for the next right girl to walk in, isn't for me.

That said, yes, I do feel more secure in what I want from a relationship. I don't think it's terribly different from what I've always wanted-a smart, thoughtful, sensual partner. Let's be fair to the average person and say that that's not easy.

Claire-you've been trying to solve the world from the day I met you. It's endearing, truly. That said, I hope you'll be careful not to exhaust yourself.

Certainly, I don't love sitting here, tapping away at the keys just to get back in touch. Here's my Skype username, feel free to make use of it if the time zones allow us to align.

Be well,

Daniel