First Story: Thai Staff Deep Throat White Cock

I would love to receive any feedback or thoughts on my first story!

https://www.literotica.com/s/thai-staff-deep-throat-white-cock

Can't wait to hear your feedback!

sydneyguy8 said:

I would love to receive any feedback or thoughts on my first story! I just submitted it to the moderators who will hopefully publish it on LE soon. In the meantime, you can read the full story here in Google Docs.

Can't wait to hear your feedback!

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You shouldn't post a link to an off-site server. Please consider the implications if the story doesn't comply with Literotica's content rules...

Thanks for the heads up! I have replaced the link with the correct one.

One thing that bugs me is the switching between past and present. It starts in the present tense (is..) and then goes into the past tense (swallowed).

This is an odd story. It's a classic male fantasy told in the style of a book designed for pre-schoolers.

It's all matter-of-fact dialogue, simple motivations, a cheerful ending, and some Robert Munsch-esque alliterative onomatopoeias:

thewinedarksea said:

This is an odd story. It's a classic male fantasy told in the style of a book designed for pre-schoolers.

It's all matter-of-fact dialogue, simple motivations, a cheerful ending, and some Robert Munsch-esque alliterative onomatopoeias:

"Gak, gak, gak!" spluttered Saai.

"Ugh, ugh, uggh!" choked Mai.​

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I'd have to agree with this, I feel like we read erotic stories for the realism and the imaginative scenarios, but this story really kinda reads like a vanilla porn plot.

Exactly where are they?

sydneyguy8 said:

Can't wait to hear your feedback!

Click to expand...

She’s inside her glasses? He dragged her in to a nearby empty storage room? How does he know there’s a store room? How does he know the storage room is empty? Presumably he’s got xray vision? The cleaner stumbles into reception and sees them. Reception has moved into the storage room? Are we in City Apartments because when the tourist arrives we are apparently in a store? Where is the non consent? He doesn’t appear to force them to suck his cock they seem to be quite enthusiastic about it.

The things I’ve mentioned are stupid elementary mistakes. You should read through what you’ve written before submitting it.

Why would a reader email you? Anyone who wants to comment does it in this thread. Presumably that’s why you started it. I’d rewrite it and submit an edit.