a mistress in need of a few ideas and some advice

Okay, so I'm relatively new at all of this. The guy I am seeing asked me to be his mistress/master a few weeks back. I agreed because why not? I'll try anything once. But I got right into it. Totally loving the experience. Two things...
First is, I have no idea what it is he wants. He just says dirtier and that it's me that is supposed to tell him.
Second is, we are not in an exclusive relationship. I know he is seeing another girl and their sex is very vanilla. So my question is how or what do I do to make him forget about her. Also we have intimate vanilla sex as well. I enjoy it and he's very sensual.
Please help?

A literature study for a start:
http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=42017419&postcount=148

Your description made me think of this:

Stella_Omega said:

......

The big problem that arises from this misunderstanding and the resulting social expectations, is that people-- women in particular-- believe that they want to be submissive and owned because of their desire for sensation when what they really want is to have a whole lot of attention paid to them. And when a service top-- whose real intent is to serve-- thinks that he has to be the boss in all things, when in fact he might not be suited for that role at all.
...

Click to expand...

Notice the link: http://oglaf.com/submission/1/

Mistress_Dee180 said:

Okay, so I'm relatively new at all of this. The guy I am seeing asked me to be his mistress/master a few weeks back. I agreed because why not? I'll try anything once. But I got right into it. Totally loving the experience. Two things...
First is, I have no idea what it is he wants. He just says dirtier and that it's me that is supposed to tell him.
Second is, we are not in an exclusive relationship. I know he is seeing another girl and their sex is very vanilla. So my question is how or what do I do to make him forget about her. Also we have intimate vanilla sex as well. I enjoy it and he's very sensual.
Please help?

Click to expand...

You say you have no idea what he wants, so I assume you have never asked him point blanc? Or does he not want to tell you when you ask?

If your guy wants to experience something, he needs to tell it to you. While it is a very common fantasy to have someone ravish you in juuuuust the right way but not overstep the boundaries and magically know exactly what it is that you want, in reality it isn't possible. Being dominant (or submissive for that matter) doesn't make you a mindreader. You have to talk about your wants, needs, expectations and limits. If he isn't willing to do that, he's setting you up to fail.

Also don't forget that you don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

As for your second matter. There's nothing you can do to make him forget somebody else. If you're uncomfortable with not being exclusive, the only thing you can do is talk to him about it and let him know about your feelings. If he isn't willing to be exclusive, then you have to decide whether you truly are ok to continue the relationship as it is or not.

ETA: I see Cumference already added the link to Stella's post that I was going to edit in later on. Yep. Read the post and keep that in mind when you talk with your fella.

I've asked him. He doesn't elaborate. He just says things like "you can't do the wrong thing, no matter how dirty you think it is you won't scare me"

I will read the post you guys set up for me. I'm incredibly new to this site and have no idea how to navigate.

Mistress_Dee180 said:

I've asked him. He doesn't elaborate. He just says things like "you can't do the wrong thing, no matter how dirty you think it is you won't scare me"

I will read the post you guys set up for me. I'm incredibly new to this site and have no idea how to navigate.

Click to expand...

If he isn't willing to talk for whatever reason, maybe he could send you links to stories or videos he enjoys for you to at least get an idea. If he isn't willing to do even that, I say it's clearly a case of "I want you to cook for me a delicious dinner but I won't give you even a hint as to what it is that I'd like to eat or if I'm deadly allergic to peanuts".

Have you told him that you don't feel comfortable moving forward without having a clear discussion about limits, wants and needs? It's important to know where the boundaries lie that shouldn't be crossed. Otherwise you might by accident do more harm than good. Learning together about how to safely do things like rope play, spanking, wax play etc. might also be a good opportunity to get him talk more about his expectations.

Or maybe he just want to do service you and do whatever it is that you want. If that's the case, just tap into your own fantasies and go from there -- within the previously discussed limits of course. You can't really get around having at least some sort of discussion with him.

Google BDSM checklist to find a horde of BDSM activities ranging from facesitting, tickling, kissing and foot worship to giant buttplugs, roleplay, fisting, spanking and kneeling on rice.

We have spoken about it. We talk in great detail. I think he is more scared I'm going to not want to do it or I'll get judgey.
He's very into humiliation. But he is very clear he wants to please me.
He's hinted at scat. But I don't think he wants to scare me off. But what's the worse that I could say?
No? I'm not comfortable with that?

Mistress_Dee180 said:

We have spoken about it. We talk in great detail. I think he is more scared I'm going to not want to do it or I'll get judgey.
He's very into humiliation. But he is very clear he wants to please me.
He's hinted at scat. But I don't think he wants to scare me off. But what's the worse that I could say?
No? I'm not comfortable with that?

Click to expand...

Maybe he's had bad experiences before and that's why he's hesitant to talk about it. Sometimes, if you're dealing with sensitive things that are a key component to your personality or sexuality, hearing "no" or "I'm not comfortable with that" can feel horrible even if they are said in the nicest and kindest manner possible.

I guess the only thing you can do is to start playing out your own fantasies, if he's clearly said that he wants to please you. Put his wants aside for the moment and focuse on your own. Once you've explored this world a little longer, maybe he'll then feel more comfortable talking about his own wants, too.

I still suggest that you have a talk about limits just to keep things safe. Remember that you're allowed to have your own limits as well, regardless of where his may lie.

I don't think he's ever had any experience before. At least he tells me he hasn't. We're fairly honest with each other. We talk about about everything we've done or want to do. I think you're right and I should focus on my own needs until he wants to tell me exactly what he wants.

Mistress_Dee180 said:

I don't think he's ever had any experience before. At least he tells me he hasn't. We're fairly honest with each other. We talk about about everything we've done or want to do. I think you're right and I should focus on my own needs until he wants to tell me exactly what he wants.

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Now that is the spirit of a true mistress.
(And it could force him to actually speak out)

"I take what I want, I do what I want..... and should you want anything else, you can ask politely, and if I feel like it, it may be granted to you."


He has said that "nothing you can do can shock him"....... That is a challenge!

Yeah! He can just do what he's told and like it until he decides to speak up

Tie him up.

Rub him in honey.

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Sprinkle him with sesame-seeds and release the parakeets!

Mistress_Dee180 said:

I've asked him. He doesn't elaborate. He just says things like "you can't do the wrong thing, no matter how dirty you think it is you won't scare me"

I will read the post you guys set up for me. I'm incredibly new to this site and have no idea how to navigate.

Click to expand...

There are always BDSM checklists, like seela said, or you could go with a more personal approach and ask him yes/no questions. I can be shy, and I find it a whole lot easier to say yes to a direct question than to ask for what I want. (Not that I don't make an effort to get over it, but there are things I've wanted to do for years but can't seem to get around to suggesting. That's my loss, I realize - I don't actually expect anyone to read my mind. In fact, if I thought anyone could read my mind, I would go be a hermit and live in the woods far from everyone.)

You could ask things like "Would you do X? Would you like it? Would you hate it but do it anyway and like the fact that we're doing something you hate? Or would you rather we just didn't do X?"

I got to some truths by sitting in a chair with my lover standing naked before me with legs spread just outside shoulder width, arms behind the back. A riding crop was involved. Was fun. ETA: And now that I think about it, it was more like Arlan suggests...more direct questioning than open ended questions...fwiw.

But, yeah, what are your fantasies and wants around dominating him...

I agree that a mistress has to think of her own needs first but in order for it to totally work he has to have some needs met himself. I say tie him up and tease his cock mercilessly until he spills his guts as to some of the things he wants. I would love to have someone do that to me. When you're really hard you'll do or say anything to get off, even if it is telling you his darkest thoughts. Once he has spilled some of them continue on with the teasing because he will try to hold back. Don't let him. Doing this is like giving him truth serum.

Mistress_Dee180 said:

Okay, so I'm relatively new at all of this. The guy I am seeing asked me to be his mistress/master a few weeks back. I agreed because why not? I'll try anything once. But I got right into it. Totally loving the experience. Two things...
First is, I have no idea what it is he wants. He just says dirtier and that it's me that is supposed to tell him.
Second is, we are not in an exclusive relationship. I know he is seeing another girl and their sex is very vanilla. So my question is how or what do I do to make him forget about her. Also we have intimate vanilla sex as well. I enjoy it and he's very sensual.
Please help?

Click to expand...

Since you're both new, I'm guessing you've both read at least some online articles about how D/s works. Chances are, he's seen one too many rants about "topping from the bottom." He most likely really wants to be submissive, and that's a phrase that tends to be insulting to s-types.

I'm guessing based on the bolded stuff. Topping from the bottom is when the sub dictates to the dom how things should go. With the negative connotations, most subs do not want to "top from the bottom." This leads to, "I want to do what YOU want to do." and kills open communication.

What is overlooked here, is that he isn't taking into consideration your being new. He wants that porno Domme that takes what she wants and drinks boy tears like wine. Tell him that you need a starting point. You also have to communicate your needs/wants/limits. If the two of you don't communicate, things are going to end badly either by breakup or injury.

Mistress_Dee180 said:

I've asked him. He doesn't elaborate. He just says things like "you can't do the wrong thing, no matter how dirty you think it is you won't scare me"

I will read the post you guys set up for me. I'm incredibly new to this site and have no idea how to navigate.

Click to expand...

This can be kind of dangerous. If he doesn't tell you his limits, you may accidentally cross them. Is losing a limb a hard limit? Does he care if you tie his balls up so tight they stop working? Does he like keeping his nipples intact? Seriously, you need to know these things.

Also, what happens if you decide that plain old missionary sex is the only thing you want? Would you be doing the wrong thing then?

Mistress_Dee180 said:

We have spoken about it. We talk in great detail. I think he is more scared I'm going to not want to do it or I'll get judgey.
He's very into humiliation. But he is very clear he wants to please me.
He's hinted at scat. But I don't think he wants to scare me off. But what's the worse that I could say?
No? I'm not comfortable with that?

Click to expand...

Having one of your deepest desires turned down can be incredibly scary and hurtful. Having to relay some of my own desires to my husband was like pulling teeth. If he hadn't been calm and asked follow up questions I don't think I could have explained everything. Though, once it was understood that he doesn't think I'm a crazy person, I tell him everything. Edited to add: It took a good 8-9 years to figure out what I wanted and to be able to relay this information to him. Years of denial on my part contributed to most of that time.

Mistress_Dee180 said:

I don't think he's ever had any experience before. At least he tells me he hasn't. We're fairly honest with each other. We talk about about everything we've done or want to do. I think you're right and I should focus on my own needs until he wants to tell me exactly what he wants.

Click to expand...

Perhaps you could show him this thread, or introduce him to more reading materials. Look at resources together and discuss learning together, like was suggested above.

Also, be wary of questioning someone while they're turned on. People will say and do weird things in those moments. Talk before, during, and after about what you both liked and didn't like. What someone says in the heat of the moment may not be inline with how they would answer normally.

MeekMe said:

This can be kind of dangerous. If he doesn't tell you his limits, you may accidentally cross them. Is losing a limb a hard limit? Does he care if you tie his balls up so tight they stop working? Does he like keeping his nipples intact? Seriously, you need to know these things.

Also, what happens if you decide that plain old missionary sex is the only thing you want? Would you be doing the wrong thing then?

Click to expand...

I think the more likely scenario than ending up with severed limbs or retached nipples is crossing psychological boundaries. Especially as the OP said the guy is into humiliation.

Humiliation is such a sweet double edged sword. It's easy to go amiss in that territory, especially if you don't know each other that well yet and if you haven't discussed your limits in that area. Crossing psychological boundaries can be every bit as painful and dangerous for your wellbeing, or even more so, than crossing physical boundaries.

I think the point about missionary and in general non-kinky sex is a good one. If he wants to go where you lead and wants to do what you ask him to do, does he only mean kinky things or other stuff as well? Like it's been said over and over again, communication is really important.

MeekMe said:

Also, be wary of questioning someone while they're turned on. People will say and do weird things in those moments. Talk before, during, and after about what you both liked and didn't like. What someone says in the heat of the moment may not be inline with how they would answer normally.

Click to expand...

I'm sort of of two minds on this issue. I think it can be a good thing to ask questions when the other person is turned on, but it can also be problematic for exactly the reasons Meeks said -- people can say and do weird things when they're in that state. However, sometimes it can really help get the ball rolling and make talking about these things easier even when not turned on.

I'd definitely need to have a "confirmation discussion" about everything that was said later on, but like I said, it can be a good "exercise" in talking about these things.

seela said:

I think the more likely scenario than ending up with severed limbs or retached nipples is crossing psychological boundaries. Especially as the OP said the guy is into humiliation.

Humiliation is such a sweet double edged sword. It's easy to go amiss in that territory, especially if you don't know each other that well yet and if you haven't discussed your limits in that area. Crossing psychological boundaries can be every bit as painful and dangerous for your wellbeing, or even more so, than crossing physical boundaries.

I think the point about missionary and in general non-kinky sex is a good one. If he wants to go where you lead and wants to do what you ask him to do, does he only mean kinky things or other stuff as well? Like it's been said over and over again, communication is really important.


I'm sort of of two minds on this issue. I think it can be a good thing to ask questions when the other person is turned on, but it can also be problematic for exactly the reasons Meeks said -- people can say and do weird things when they're in that state. However, sometimes it can really help get the ball rolling and make talking about these things easier even when not turned on.

I'd definitely need to have a "confirmation discussion" about everything that was said later on, but like I said, it can be a good "exercise" in talking about these things.

Click to expand...

I agree about the psychological damage, as well. I used physical examples because it makes for a more dramatic visual. Breaking someone's brain doesn't often carry the same weight in mental imagery.

Yeah, definitely talk before, during and after. What's said in the heat of the moment may be seen differently after their boner has gone down. I can't talk about anything in that state, but I'm very open to suggestion and I'm pretty grateful when all is said and done that it didn't go in a direction I'd normally be uncomfortable with.

I just came from MWY's Insider/Outsider thread...this is good.

Are you accepting new clients?

I say you demand he make you dinner, give you a pedicure and a hot oil massage but isn't allowed to talk or touch you without explicit permission.

I get the feeling he is asking for a pegging but doesn't want to say that outright... As Meeks said, it can be really hard to ask for what you want (even when you know what it is).

thanks

I took everyone's advice and explained to him that him not telling me what he wants isn't helping. It's taking control of me and placing it in his hands.

I eventually got it out of him. He just doesn't know, he is new to this as well. He just didn't want me to think he was a novice. So that's why he leaves it up to me.

I explained to him that we were both new to it and that makes it more comfortable not less.

Thanks so much everyone.

Oh and for who suggested he might want pegging. He does and I've done this many times. He wasn't scared to ask for it.

Great! ^_^ It's always nice to hear things went well.

What a wonderful situation you are in! A man who will submit to his Mistress. You're quite lucky. It's an amazing gift.

Sometimes being a Mistress comes naturally and it does in my case. Have you ever done anything remotely like what you're doing now? I see that you're excited about your new lifestyle. Why not bring it up a notch since he wants dirtier? Present him with an anal plug and instruction. Sex doesn't always have to be D/s sex. There are many aspects to this.

Why focus on him leaving his girlfriend? You can have a helluva lot of fun in the meantime.

A little bit of teasing a few unexpected surprises can go a long way. Make some demands and see that he obeys, but don't forget to reward him if he has been a good boy.

I'd sure like it at least, so hopefully it'll work!