Looking for Feedback: Hungry Ones

Title: Hungry Ones
Author: Loneeyes
Category: Erotic Couplings
Link: http://www.literotica.com/s/hungry-ones

This isn't just my first erotic story I've shown anyone, it's the first one I've ever written. I'd really love some feedback. I'm fine with criticism, although I'd appreciate the constructive variety!

It was well written, but kind of hard to think well of the protagonists - especially the guy. He comes across as a selfish, opportunistic arsehole and the sister in law not much better. I'm going to give it 3 because I'm not convinced that's how you wanted to portray them.

I realise that's not particularly constructive. But I think if you wanted to have the grief as a factor you needed to put more work into it - as it is the husband obviously wasn't greatly affected by his wife's aunt's death, and if the Sister in law was, then it really wasn't established. So all you have is a couple of people with neither morals nor impulse control, taking advantage of opportunity. As I say, I'm not sure that's what you intended to show. Forgive me if I'm wrong.

I'd generally have to agree with Bert, but I'll also ask what kind of feedback you're looking for. Spelling? Grammar? Punctuation? Something more subjective, like the characters?

I also tend to agree with Bert. If you are going to use a funeral to create a sex scene you need to develop your characters a bit, explain more the connection and not have a Wham! Bam! coupling. It jars.

Your writing seems pretty good to me but I have trouble connecting this to an erotic encounter.

I think you need to develop your key characters more.

As a one-off, I liked it. As a story based firmly in the strength of its arousingness, it succeeds well. It's exciting, passionate, and well-constructed. I especially liked the dialogue, which had a strange, organic ridiculous that I found unexpectedly refreshing. Sex talk is often a ridiculous mix of hunger and unfocused encouragement, muddled and hungry. You captured that well.

Speaking to the morality of the main characters, I am unbothered by their actions. Furthermore, and I could be wrong, I feel like you made your choices to showcase the depth of their desperateness. If you want to add a "dirty vibe", I'd more internal exploration. Be cautious, however, having "morally bankrupt" characters will isolate members of your audience--as you can see from the comments above--even as it enthralls others. Personally, I am interested in all aspects of sexuality--the light and the dark--and enjoy erotica that explores the depths of human desire, in all the directions it takes us.

Folks are lying to you, what you posted is a rough first draft larded with errors. Its barely coherent. Get rid of GRAVITAS and all the static verbs. Then toss the adverbs out.

AMoveableBeast said:

Speaking to the morality of the main characters, I am unbothered by their actions. Furthermore, and I could be wrong, I feel like you made your choices to showcase the depth of their desperateness. If you want to add a "dirty vibe", I'd more internal exploration. Be cautious, however, having "morally bankrupt" characters will isolate members of your audience--as you can see from the comments above--even as it enthralls others. Personally, I am interested in all aspects of sexuality--the light and the dark--and enjoy erotica that explores the depths of human desire, in all the directions it takes us.

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I can't say I liked the characters, but I too am not bothered by their actions. I think for me there was a lack of foundation. One line of "I'd always liked her" doesn't quite translate into fucking in a funeral home. The guy seemed to care about his wife, and his wife's family (given the favors he called in), and so it seemed odd, especially at such a solemn occasion, for him to act that way, with no real basis for it.

And I don't think you need pages of explanation, either. Just a few lines could deepen this a fair bit, I think. How his wife puts his head on her shoulder, and he gives her a perfunctory pat. He's bored attending the service of someone he didn't know. An observation that the sister is there, sexy even in mourning clothes, and it led his thoughts to inappropriate places. Perhaps he's bored with his wife.

These are just examples, and only my opinion. Something like this would have made the story hold together a bit better, IMO, because it would have provided some basis for and consistency in the characters and their actions.

First, you are going to have to decide, when you write for Literotica, whether you want to be bold in your writing or only write characters readers will love and happy endings. There are readers, as you see here, who will expect their pabulum and comment negatively when they don’t get it. You either will play to them for praise and high ratings, or you’ll write all sorts of different stories that are interesting to those who appreciate all sorts of different stories.

I read this one because of the comments you got here on negative characters in the circumstances. I wasn’t bothered by that much when I read it. The only thing I might have done to make it more plausible is to give more foreshadowing on Violet to prepare the reader that she would do this and use this language. I think that could have simply been handled by, when he saw her, including a paragraph of how much she had changed from the Violet he’d known before to this one—changed from a sweet young thing to a punker, maybe (which would foreshadow both the crude language and how quickly she was willing to open her legs for a man). And maybe add in his own fetish/fantasy for punk rockers. Something to smoothen the transition more.

It doesn't bother me a bit in a story on an erotica site, either that the man leaves his wife to fuck another woman (it's erotica fantasy) or that a woman will do this at a funeral. Men who can't keep it zipped up even when they are married are bread and butter in porn. Readers who don't like that probably should be reading Christian inspirationals instead. And it was established that the deceased wasn't close to him--his role was in being a good guy to arrange the funeral because he had the necessary connections. For Violet's part, if you had developed her character a bit better, I find it completely plausible (in erotica fantasy) that casual sex would be a comfort in being distraught.

On the technicals, and especially JBJ’s slam, your writing is very good, especially for a first effort here, and your sex scene is hot. Your technicals are a whole helluva lot better than JBJ’s are, so don’t sweat his comments.

I was interested enough and pleased, given the comments I’d read, enough at your story that I picked out a few technical points. But I liked the first effort a lot and gave it a 5.

The second sentence is missing the verb. It’s OK to do that in commercial fiction for effect. Here, it might have been better to have a verb.

“friends” aren’t a “that”; they are people, so it should be “who.”

Technically, the phrase in this sentence dangles: “The visitation was a little uncomfortable for me, knowing so few of the people there.” The noun the phrase modifies here is “visitation,” not “me.” Would have been written better as, “The visitation was a little uncomfortable for me, because I knew so few of the people here.” (note the “here” rather than the “there,” because the character is still “here” at the visitation.

“supportive-but-not-smothering”: This occurred after the verb and isn’t a direct modifier of a noun, so it shouldn’t be hyphenated. (not the easiest technical point to keep track of)

“She'd had much less advance notice than the rest of the family, and was taking it harder.” In commercial fiction, no comma between the two clauses. The second one is dependent (hangs on the subject of the first clause).

“. . . in a pathetic hug.”: “pathetic” is misused in context and is jarring. He’s in a sympathetic mode here. “Pathetic” is denigrating.

“Her face was hot from crying, and pressed into my neck.” Another misuse of a comma and an awkward sentence. Would better read: “Her face, hot from crying, pressed into my neck.”

The moment of deciding they were going to do the deed was a bit abrupt—not much, just a bit. It could have used an additional signaling image or two before she says “where?” Just a minor point, at least from me, who likes doing shock zingers like this in the middle of the context, but there will be those on Literotica who will yammer for more preparation. If I do use a zinger like this, I like to have put in something foreshadowing earlier that a reader can go back and see was telling, in hindsight.

Her language here: "Quit dicking around," she hissed. "Just fuck me." was jarring for the character you had established. There might have been a hint of crude language usage from her earlier to foreshadow this. Might have been conveyed in describing her as dressing a bit punk when he first saw her.

Was it cum or precum that dripped on her before they did it? Probably best to identify it as precum or you give the impression that the fireworks is over for him already, for at least a while.

“Fuck me Jake.” should be “Fuck me, Jake.” Direct address is set off with commas.

PennLady said:

I can't say I liked the characters, but I too am not bothered by their actions. I think for me there was a lack of foundation. One line of "I'd always liked her" doesn't quite translate into fucking in a funeral home. The guy seemed to care about his wife, and his wife's family (given the favors he called in), and so it seemed odd, especially at such a solemn occasion, for him to act that way, with no real basis for it.

And I don't think you need pages of explanation, either. Just a few lines could deepen this a fair bit, I think. How his wife puts his head on her shoulder, and he gives her a perfunctory pat. He's bored attending the service of someone he didn't know. An observation that the sister is there, sexy even in mourning clothes, and it led his thoughts to inappropriate places. Perhaps he's bored with his wife.

These are just examples, and only my opinion. Something like this would have made the story hold together a bit better, IMO, because it would have provided some basis for and consistency in the characters and their actions.

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All good points. I don't need it--the story seems like a simple lusty day-trip, not part of a deeper tale--but I can't argue that it would improve depth.

AMoveableBeast said:

All good points. I don't need it--the story seems like a simple lusty day-trip, not part of a deeper tale--but I can't argue that it would improve depth.

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It probably would be helpful when writers ask for feedback here that they include what they wanted to do with a story--and it also would be helpful if those commenting on the story did so on the basis of what the story was trying to achieve (and with a bit more illustration of points than just a "It suked" comment). What is meant as a stroker rather than War and Peace really should be assessed on the basis of a stroker--which would be the fresh approach and plausibility of the sex scene set up, the sex scene, and then the interesting cool down or twist afterward.

I think the only critical comments on this one, based on what the author seemed to be trying to write, was a bit more plausibility in the establishment that they were going to go upstairs and go at it and the abrupt ending, without a twist in the tail--which could have gone several different ways.

AMoveableBeast said:

All good points. I don't need it--the story seems like a simple lusty day-trip, not part of a deeper tale--but I can't argue that it would improve depth.

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I don't mean to say it needs all kind of psychological insights, because I don't. I'm just saying -- for me -- if a couple of tweaks had been made in terms of character foundation, it would have held together better for me, like I said. The OP wanted feedback, and that's mine.

And as sr said about the mechanics, they were fine. Nothing threw me out of the story, as a misspelling or incorrect punctuation can. If I'd read more with an eye to it, I probably would have found the same thing sr did, but since there's no such thing as perfect copy, they wouldn't have bothered me if I had noticed them.

The sex scene was also good. It was hot and exciting, and I thought the furtive, unexpected aspects came across well.

I apologize for not being clearer about what I was attempting and what I was looking for.

I was honestly just trying to write a story about some relatively hot sex with the minimum structure needed to support it without getting in the way of aforementioned sex. To use sr71plt's term, a 'stroker.'

I didn't consider that some people might want the characters to have the moral high ground. I can see how some people might be able to get more into the sex if they feel like they like the characters. (I've never really had a problem divorcing the two, but it's totally reasonable for it to go hand-in-hand with some people.) It's certainly something for me to keep in mind in the future.

At the bare minimum, next time I write a story involving cheating, I'll try to map out the motivations a little better for the sake of plausibility.

I think I may try to seek out some peer-editing in the future. I didn't this time because I didn't see what it could do for me. (Although I suppose that's the point, haha, showing it to someone who might see things I missed!)

I appreciate (most) everyone's input, especially sr71plt and Pennlady! Extremely helpful! Thanks everyone.

loneeyes said:

I didn't consider that some people might want the characters to have the moral high ground. I can see how some people might be able to get more into the sex if they feel like they like the characters. (I've never really had a problem divorcing the two, but it's totally reasonable for it to go hand-in-hand with some people.) It's certainly something for me to keep in mind in the future.

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Your characters don't need the high ground. Married people of both sexes having sex outside the marriage is plentiful in porn, obviously a situation a lot of readers like. I was suggesting laying a little more groundwork for the sex, that's all.

loneeyes said:

I apologize for not being clearer about what I was attempting and what I was looking for.

I was honestly just trying to write a story about some relatively hot sex with the minimum structure needed to support it without getting in the way of aforementioned sex. To use sr71plt's term, a 'stroker.'

I didn't consider that some people might want the characters to have the moral high ground. I can see how some people might be able to get more into the sex if they feel like they like the characters. (I've never really had a problem divorcing the two, but it's totally reasonable for it to go hand-in-hand with some people.) It's certainly something for me to keep in mind in the future.

At the bare minimum, next time I write a story involving cheating, I'll try to map out the motivations a little better for the sake of plausibility.

I think I may try to seek out some peer-editing in the future. I didn't this time because I didn't see what it could do for me. (Although I suppose that's the point, haha, showing it to someone who might see things I missed!)

I appreciate (most) everyone's input, especially sr71plt and Pennlady! Extremely helpful! Thanks everyone.

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It's not a case of wanting the characters to have the moral high ground, I mean shagging your wife's sister at her aunts funeral do, pretty much counts as ceding the moral high ground. I thought you'd intended her grief to be a bigger factor than it was and having made that assumption I didn't think you'd really done that effectively. I was wrong, so the apology is mine. still - I did get one thing right. It was well written.

I enjoyed it.

I'll agree with a couple of posters that a little more going on internally would have created a little more heat. Not a back story just a few more "hmm...." thoughts from the characters.

Having said that, for a one shot stand alone it was what it was supposed to be and that's fun.

If this is the first story you have ever written, then you are doing well. However, you need an editor and a bit more patience. The scene would have been great withquite a bit more sexual tension between the two. More interplay with the wife, for instance.

More character development is needed. There are some things I would say are stark errors. In one place I believe you fucked her back. See how that sounds? Did you read your submission to yourself three times before you sent it to us? In another place you speak of the smell of her red hair. How does red hair smell? You needn't put them both in the same sentence. Take your time. If it took five minutes to do the quick fuck you describe, it took only one minute to read it. Take your time. I am sorry to say that my peter meter did not have time to rise. The devil, as they say, is in the details. Don't say I loved the feel of her cool skin beneathe me. Don't say "I feel" tell us what you feel. Don't say I loved the smell. What smell. (For god's sake don't say fish, lol.) What did her pussy look like, smell like, taste ike? Was the room dark, light? He looked in her face, her eyes, what did he see. Did the lips of her pussy, clasped around his cock, pull part way out of her as he withdrew? Were they dark brown? pnk? red? engorged with blood, pulsing? Were they fucking on a pile of guest coats? The touch with the kids room was cool, but not enough.
Spice it up for us. Give your reader time to get it up and whank a few times at least.