Things that can go wrong

Hi, guys! I am (once again) here for advice… I feel kind of bad about it…

Thing is, I’ve been chatting with a dom guy for a few months, we have gotten close in the past three months and he has asked me to spend Easter holidays at his place.

On a relationship level, I feel there is a nice friendship between us and I long to spend real time with him. About bdsm sex, we have played on cam and have clicked, at least in my head. I know what he is into and I have made sure he knows me well too. It has been so much fun discussing scenes and ideas, and I really like him. But it is nothing more than playing, there isn’t any kind of real power dynamics between us.

I’ve asked him what his expectations about our meeting are and he has assured me that nothing will happen if I don’t want it. He says he will be happy just to see me and he won’t try sex if I am not for it. I really want to meet him and I have these butterflies in my stomach lol

Does this seem risky to you? I’ve never met anyone from the internet for real so this feels like I’m stepping into unknown territory in so many ways.

Ever done it? Does it seem like a crazy idea? I have the impression that everyone does it these days and it is a pretty common way to socialise today but still I am weary...

My main concern is another though: what if we try and it turns to be disappointing for one of us or for both? Or even worse, harmful is any way? I have broken up with another guy not long ago and I am not ready to burn myself again but I really want to try. I am tired of looking and waiting and I feel I really have to give this a chance

Thank you, guys for reading this and if you have any ideas and would like to share them, I would be grateful. you!

Sir_Winston54 said:

Read the following from the Library - Safewords & Safecalls - and other threads regrding first/early real-life meetings. Heed their cautions and advice.

It's not a matter of distrust; it's a matter of pulling on your big-girl panties and ensuring your safety yourself.

(And btw, in the second to last paragraph, you're "wary," not "weary" - cautious, not tired.)

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awww that link won't work...

My cautious self tells me to go slow and meet him for a coffee first but my eager kinky girl urges me to give him this chance I guess it's bad timing as well cause the holidays are already here...

Sorry about my spelling... I'm not a native speaker, just in the UK to work, there will be more of those, I'm sure...

Anyway, thank you

it probably might be a good idea to leave bondage out of any initial meetings.

I've met a couple ladies from online (roughly 10 years ago (12 years since the last time I had sex)... did I just admit that in public?), so it isn't unheard of to meet offline, but take some basic precautions; meet in a public place, have a friend know where you are, where you're going, etc.

I only had one bad experience from a woman stalker who I felt I could trust at first. My point being don't be afraid to try to meet folks, but definitely trust your butterflies too.

Ask to see a picture ID, then text the info, along with where you are and where you're going to someone you trust. If he objects to that, leave, and don't look back.

If your plan is to spend the Easter holidays at his place in another town, maybe you could arrange to spend the first night in a hotel? That way you can meet him in a cafe and see how the two of you get along offline and not feel pressured to do anything you're not comfortable with just because you're supposed to be staying at his place.

If you hit it off, the hotel would also provide you neutral gronds to get your kink on. Then, if you still feel like it, you could spend the rest of your holiday at his place.

I'd say be cautious but don't be afraid. Most people, even the kinky kind, aren't serial rapists and spree killers. Trust your instinct.

Along the lines with what Seela said, don't put yourself in a position that you feel you HAVE to perform. Being sexual online and in-person are two totally different things. Just go to meet him. No pressure. If something clicks, then proceed to step two. If not, just enjoy that you met them for real and maybe a real friendship can be made if nothing else.

Twister947 seems overly eager to be the next mark in an identity theft ring. Unless you are willing to do the same thing in reverse, and I don't recommend that, I suggest to pass on that advice.

How far away does he live? You still have time to meet for coffee or dinner before Easter if its a reasonable distance.

Hey guys! The link still doesn't work, dunno, maybe it's my computer. But I google literotica library safe words and safe calls and it leads you to the right place. There is a whole lot of clues that make sense, thank you very much!

Your help is also appreciated

I think I'm gonna follow your good advice and pass on the 8 days offer. I'll meet him in a café and stay in a hotel. We'll see, only if I feel good vibes I'll invite him in.

At least on cam he comes across as a fine spontaneous man. Neither his behaviour or the details of his life make him appear as disfunctional and I cannot think of plausible inconsistencies

In the prospective meeting, what stuff would you think should make me alert? I've thought about this:

- Too eager to kiss, touch, etc... (as much as I have imagined it and would like to in my head , I don't think I would be comfortable with that in public )
- Wanting to discuss the terms of our hypothetical D/s (E.g. do you really wish to become my sub? Do you see yourself doing this or that...? etc...) I don't think that would be the appropriate time.

As long as he behaves naturally and sticks to casual conversation addressed to knowing each other better, I don't think I should worry, right?? But I still have the butterflies, I'm new to the chatting sphere and I've never done anything close, not even hooked up with anyone in my life

newsubandtop said:

Hey guys! The link still doesn't work, dunno, maybe it's my computer. But I google literotica library safe words and safe calls and it leads you to the right place. There is a whole lot of clues that make sense, thank you very much!

Your help is also appreciated

I think I'm gonna follow your good advice and pass on the 8 days offer. I'll meet him in a café and stay in a hotel. We'll see, only if I feel good vibes I'll invite him in.

At least on cam he comes across as a fine spontaneous man. Neither his behaviour or the details of his life make him appear as disfunctional and I cannot think of plausible inconsistencies

In the prospective meeting, what stuff would you think should make me alert? I've thought about this:

- Too eager to kiss, touch, etc... (as much as I have imagined it and would like to in my head , I don't think I would be comfortable with that in public )
- Wanting to discuss the terms of our hypothetical D/s (E.g. do you really wish to become my sub? Do you see yourself doing this or that...? etc...) I don't think that would be the appropriate time.

As long as he behaves naturally and sticks to casual conversation addressed to knowing each other better, I don't think I should worry, right?? But I still have the butterflies, I'm new to the chatting sphere and I've never done anything close, not even hooked up with anyone in my life

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I think Seela had a good idea.

The things you mention don't seem like hints that someone is a crazy murderer or anything. They might however be signs that you don't go well together if for example you don't like people who get touchy feely right away etc.

Look for the things you normally look for when deciding if a person is worth getting to know better, spending time with and trusting.

Take your time and try to have fun too.

LWulf said:

Along the lines with what Seela said, don't put yourself in a position that you feel you HAVE to perform. Being sexual online and in-person are two totally different things. Just go to meet him. No pressure. If something clicks, then proceed to step two. If not, just enjoy that you met them for real and maybe a real friendship can be made if nothing else.

Twister947 seems overly eager to be the next mark in an identity theft ring. Unless you are willing to do the same thing in reverse, and I don't recommend that, I suggest to pass on that advice.

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I hear what you're saying. Still, he is asking a woman to trust him enough to go with him to his home. Trusting her enough to provide a verified name and address seems reasonable. There's risk, and trust, for both parties. This is advice I would give my sister or daughter.

newsubandtop said:

- Too eager to kiss, touch, etc... (as much as I have imagined it and would like to in my head , I don't think I would be comfortable with that in public )
- Wanting to discuss the terms of our hypothetical D/s (E.g. do you really wish to become my sub? Do you see yourself doing this or that...? etc...) I don't think that would be the appropriate time.

Click to expand...

Hi NSAT -

Sounds like you are in for an adventure, and getting some good advice. I hope everything works out beyond your wildest expectations I am a little.. curious maybe? about these two points quoted above.

The first one is totally understandable, some people just don't like PDA. As long as he knows this about you in advance, I can't see this causing any problems, and he should respect it. However, not all people feel that way, so I guess all I am saying here is don't make the assumption that because you don't like it, he won't like it. It would totally suck to have a misunderstanding about something like that, when all you have to do is tell him... Hey, I don't go for PDA... If you haven't already said it outright to him.

The second one was a little more mystifying to me, especially since you used the mad face icon. I, personally, would want to discuss this kind of thing face to face. I want to see the person's body language, facial expressions, etc when I am talking about my limits, my desires, hearing about theirs, etc. So I would consider this the perfect time to discuss a hypothetical relationship. So again, I think you should just be really clear in your expectations to him just to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings.

Now, if you tell him your expectations clearly and he ignores them... well... as somebody said, run away and don't look back!

I hope you enjoy!

C/C

twister947 said:

I hear what you're saying. Still, he is asking a woman to trust him enough to go with him to his home. Trusting her enough to provide a verified name and address seems reasonable. There's risk, and trust, for both parties. This is advice I would give my sister or daughter.

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I hadn't thought about it but you are totally right! The fact that he has offered me to spend over a week in his house gives me confidence. If he had something to hide he would do the "dirt" away from his home, right??

Yeah, Collar_N_Cuffs, I am one restless little slut lol. What you say makes sense, as always I mentioned the kissy kissy stuff cause I really don't see him doing that lol. He comes across as a rather shy guy, so, if he did something like this, it would be an inconsistency for me. About the discussion, I feel it is way too early for that. We are meeting to know each other better and see if we click in person. Of course I don't discard sex with some kind of power exchange on the menu. But it will be just an apetizer in any case. Nevertheless, you are absolutely right, I discuss all this with him. Thanks a lot pretty!!

Hi guys! I just wanted to tell you that I have finally decided to postpone the meeting till next weekend. I’ll be staying in a hotel and we’ll meet in a bar. We won’t be doing anything except talking for now but I’m so nervous anyway lol. He took it well and says he understands my precautions . Thank you so much for your suggestions! You've been really helpful

newsubandtop said:

Hi guys! I just wanted to tell you that I have finally decided to postpone the meeting till next weekend. I’ll be staying in a hotel and we’ll meet in a bar. We won’t be doing anything except talking for now but I’m so nervous anyway lol. He took it well and says he understands my precautions . Thank you so much for your suggestions! You've been really helpful

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Awesome, but how will you possibly get any sleep between now and then?

LOL Collar_N_Cuffs! You always manage to make me laugh I am pretty restless, yes, so, I'm employing all that extra energy in doing the stuff I was supposed to get done ages ago like mending, gardening, thorough cleaning... thrilling, right? Thanks again, guys!

newsubandtop said:

My main concern is another though: what if we try and it turns to be disappointing for one of us or for both? Or even worse, harmful is any way? I have broken up with another guy not long ago and I am not ready to burn myself again but I really want to try. I am tired of looking and waiting and I feel I really have to give this a chance

Click to expand...

Isn't this a risk regardless of what kind of dynamic there is in the relationship? In my mind, unless you are really certain of the chemistry and connection on a deeper level, why would you not keep this meeting to a "getting to know you" level? Keep it PG. That way if you DO hit it off, just think how much better the second or third meeting will be when the anticipation has had a chance to build right along side your confidence and security that the dude is legit.

I personally would never meet someone to spend time at her or his home for a first meeting.

Submissives - in many ways - control how things move along. Get a hotel room, meet at a neutral spot, talk, see how things go.

I also never would 'submit' in a first sexual occasion. Trust and respect build over time, and giving your gift should evolve not be assumed or demanded.

Best wishes

Hey, I’m just here to tell you we finally met last weekend. You were so helpful that I feel compelled to share it with you. I’m sorry to tell you that the sparkles are quite gone though…
We had dinner together and went for a walk the next morning and had lunch. The whole time he was nice but “too nice” in the way a guy behaves when he is courting you. It didn’t really feel different to other times with other guys. It was kind of boring and ackward.
I just didn’t feel the connection, it didn’t feel as exciting as when we communicated via skype. We still talk but it is not like it was before the date, we didn't click and we know it. So, my butterflies are gone lol. I'll keep trying nevertheless and make it happen cause this is something that I really want to have in my life.
My experience proves that someones kitten and RaineeDayze are right. When you start something online, you have to make sure that you feel the same in person before taking it any further. Otherwise you can both get hurt.
Maybe a different approach would work better, I don't know. What's your experience in this matter? Thanks, I love you!

OP, sorry to hear things didn't go as hoped. Sounds as though there was no chemistry.

Did you talk to him about your feelings of awkwardness? He could have been trying to be "nice" in order to not put you off. Or, maybe he's only dominant in the bedroom and a regular guy outside it. Both are possibilities.

In any case, good luck in your future search.