Story Feedback Request

The below is a story I'm working on; any feedback is helpful. Thank you in advance.

The Sexual Adventures of Heather H

An Excerpt from Chapter 1

My real name isn’t Heather H but that's something I can’t think about right now. Matt hasn’t been returning my texts which isn’t unusual. He’s probably out with his wife — which is also something I try not to think about but the more I push her out of my mind the more she appears. Sometimes, she’s fucking Matt, but most of the time she’s bleeding to death because I just slit her throat. I think she knows about me —Matt doesn’t try too hard to cover his tracks.

Right now, I’m sitting at Starbucks checking my phone every five seconds. Matt wasn’t going to text today. I spent hours checking my phone for any signs of Matt Life and none, nada, zip, zero. I decided that carrying a cell was like holding a constant rejection reminder and pondered tossing it into the trash along with my half finished jet-fuel coffee but I didn’t. Instead, I left the coffee shop and drove to my thinking place. As I pulled up my old friend, the weeping cherry tree, greeted me. I turned off the ignition and threw my keys into my bag.

Stepping out of the car my heels sank slightly into the dirt and I made my way through the same trail that I visited last week. Why do I always seem to wind up here Saturday’s at 3:15 PM?

The breeze tickled my skin and a bird chirped in unison with the crickets encouraging my mind to drift. The last time I saw Matt he just came back from work. Although his shirt wasn’t tucked in and his tie askew he still appeared perfectly well-groomed. We made a strange couple. A glimpse in the mirror reflected myself as some dark-haired wicked gypsy trying to corrupt and possess America’s Golden Boy. But in actuality Matt's preppy good looks masked an unknown and questionable soul whereas I was easy to read.

Matt stood behind me and I felt his fingers push through my hair and squeeze the back of my head. He pulled my head back and whispered in my ear. His words ran through my mind and I embellished on his descriptions. Matt’s lack of variety didn’t surprise me. He didn’t really put much effort into me at all. I was like the afterthought of a day poorly planned. It was getting tiresome. I wanted more. His lips brushed the back of my neck and wandered down my back. Hands grazed my curves. “Baby you’re so fuckin beautiful I can’t get enough of you” he moaned, bent me over the bed and kicked my legs to either side. A finger, wet and long slipped inside me.

Our dance began.

4 plus stars. You have talent.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

4 plus stars. You have talent.

Click to expand...

Thank you

Submit the story, then ask for feedback

...Or find an editor to beta-read it for you.

Some comments:
* Your verb tenses are inconsistent
* I don't drink coffee at Starbucks, but I am guessing that they don't have chicken-flavor coffee
* A diner would be a better place to have your main character drink bad coffee
* I am not getting a reason to care about the main character, which makes it hard to keep reading

8letters said:

* I don't drink coffee at Starbucks, but I am guessing that they don't have chicken-flavor coffee

Jenny_4 said:

My coffee tasted like old jet fuel but I sipped it anyway hoping the fowl taste would take my mind off of him

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That bit gave me a slight chuckle, you obviously meant foul. Although the rest is good writing and spotless as far as I can tell, I'd love to read more.

Your excerpt is too short to comment on characters & plot

Jenny_4 said:

My real name isn’t Heather H but that is something I can’t think about right now. Matt hasn’t been returning my texts which isn’t unusual. He’s probably out with his wife; which is also something I try not to think about; however, the more I push her out of my mind the more she appears. Lose-Lose. Sometimes, she’s fucking Matt, but most of the time she’s bleeding to death because I just slit her throat. I think she knows about me —Matt doesn’t try too hard to cover his tracks.

Click to expand...

- Why can't the narrator think of it - this makes no sense.
- I don't like thought verbs much - show us instead of using "think"
- semi colon abuse, they are should be rare.
- your first paragraph is a cluster of random sentences:
1.the deception of the narrator's name
1.5 narrator has something important to think of
2.matt is not communicating
3.matt is probably with his wife,
4.matt's wife is occasionally murdered by the narrator
5.matt's wife knows about the affair
What is the common theme of this paragraph? Get rid of sentences until you find it.

Right now, I’m sitting at Starbucks checking my phone every five seconds for a crumb of Matt attention. My coffee tasted like old jet fuel but I sipped it anyway hoping the fowl taste would take my mind off of him. Matt wasn’t going to text today. I spent hours checking my phone for any signs of Matt Life and none, nada, zip, zero. I decided that having a phone was like holding a constant rejection reminder and pondered tossing it into the trash along with my half finished bitter coffee but I didn’t.

I decided to take a drive to my thinking place since I really didn’t have anything better to do. I pulled up and my old friend the weeping cherry tree greeted me. It’s leaves just starting to turn. I turned off the car and threw my keys into my bag. Stepping out of the car my heels sank a bit and I made my way through the same dirt trail that I visited last week. Why do I always seem to wind up here Saturday’s at 3:15 PM?

My mind drifted to our last encounter. Matt just came back from work and although his shirt wasn’t tucked in and his tie askew he still appeared perfectly well-groomed. Maybe it’s because he looks like he’d always ate all his fruits and vegetables and brushed his teeth three times a day while making sure he got his eight hours of sleep that gave him that edge. When I look at us together in the mirror I resemble some wicked dark haired gypsy trying to corrupt and possess America’s Golden Boy. But in actuality his preppy good looks masked an unknown and questionable soul where as I was easy to read.

Click to expand...

- You need an editor.
- please don't use italics during a story.
- read more, it will make you a better writer.

Matt stood behind me and I felt his fingers push through my hair and squeeze the back of my head. He pulled my head back and whispered in my ear. His words ran through my mind and I embellished on his descriptions. Matt’s lack of variety didn’t surprise me. He didn’t really put much effort into me at all. I was like the after thought of a day poorly planned. It was getting tiresome. I wanted more.

His lips brushed the back of my neck and wandered down my back. Hands grazed my curves. “Baby you’re so fuckin beautiful I can’t get enough of you” he moaned, bent me over the bed and kicked my legs to either side. A finger wet and long slipped inside me. Our dance began.

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- what words did he whisper in her ear?
- don't use obscure words when simple words will do. Writing with simplicity will add bold power to your writing.
- let us imagine/visualise what is happening. When you say "A finger" I want to who's finger is it?
- dance began? this is a euphemism too confusing. The narrator is being fingered on the bed, or is she?
- more feelings

Jenny_4 said:

The below is a story I'm working on; any feedback is helpful. Thank you in advance.

The Sexual Adventures of Heather H

An Excerpt from Chapter 1

My real name isn’t Heather H but that is something I can’t think about right now. Matt hasn’t been returning my texts which isn’t unusual. He’s probably out with his wife; which is also something I try not to think about; however, the more I push her out of my mind the more she appears. Lose-Lose. Sometimes, she’s fucking Matt, but most of the time she’s bleeding to death because I just slit her throat. I think she knows about me —Matt doesn’t try too hard to cover his tracks.

Right now, I’m sitting at Starbucks checking my phone every five seconds for a crumb of Matt attention. My coffee tasted like old jet fuel but I sipped it anyway hoping the fowl taste would take my mind off of him. Matt wasn’t going to text today. I spent hours checking my phone for any signs of Matt Life and none, nada, zip, zero. I decided that having a phone was like holding a constant rejection reminder and pondered tossing it into the trash along with my half finished bitter coffee but I didn’t.

I decided to take a drive to my thinking place since I really didn’t have anything better to do. I pulled up and my old friend the weeping cherry tree greeted me. It’s leaves just starting to turn. I turned off the car and threw my keys into my bag. Stepping out of the car my heels sank a bit and I made my way through the same dirt trail that I visited last week. Why do I always seem to wind up here Saturday’s at 3:15 PM?

My mind drifted to our last encounter. Matt just came back from work and although his shirt wasn’t tucked in and his tie askew he still appeared perfectly well-groomed. Maybe it’s because he looks like he’d always ate all his fruits and vegetables and brushed his teeth three times a day while making sure he got his eight hours of sleep that gave him that edge. When I look at us together in the mirror I resemble some wicked dark haired gypsy trying to corrupt and possess America’s Golden Boy. But in actuality his preppy good looks masked an unknown and questionable soul where as I was easy to read.

Matt stood behind me and I felt his fingers push through my hair and squeeze the back of my head. He pulled my head back and whispered in my ear. His words ran through my mind and I embellished on his descriptions. Matt’s lack of variety didn’t surprise me. He didn’t really put much effort into me at all. I was like the after thought of a day poorly planned. It was getting tiresome. I wanted more.

His lips brushed the back of my neck and wandered down my back. Hands grazed my curves. “Baby you’re so fuckin beautiful I can’t get enough of you” he moaned, bent me over the bed and kicked my legs to either side. A finger wet and long slipped inside me. Our dance began.

Click to expand...

Keep in mind that most stories are, at heart, gems or rocks. Both benefit from improvement and polishing but one becomes a jewel and the other doesn't. I suggest you stick to your style and polish where needed.

8letters said:

...Or find an editor to beta-read it for you.

Some comments:
* Your verb tenses are inconsistent
* I don't drink coffee at Starbucks, but I am guessing that they don't have chicken-flavor coffee
* A diner would be a better place to have your main character drink bad coffee
* I am not getting a reason to care about the main character, which makes it hard to keep reading

Click to expand...

Could you please point out the inconsistencies in verb tenses as this seems to be one of my writing issues?

LastLostIdols said:

That bit gave me a slight chuckle, you obviously meant foul. Although the rest is good writing and spotless as far as I can tell, I'd love to read more.

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I laughed too when I read the comment and made the change (see above.) Thank you for the compliments! Hugs

litmlove said:

Your excerpt is too short to comment on characters & plot


- Why can't the narrator think of it - this makes no sense.
- I don't like thought verbs much - show us instead of using "think"
- semi colon abuse, they are should be rare.
- your first paragraph is a cluster of random sentences:
1.the deception of the narrator's name
1.5 narrator has something important to think of
2.matt is not communicating
3.matt is probably with his wife,
4.matt's wife is occasionally murdered by the narrator
5.matt's wife knows about the affair
What is the common theme of this paragraph? Get rid of sentences until you find it.


- You need an editor.
- please don't use italics during a story.
- read more, it will make you a better writer.


- what words did he whisper in her ear?
- don't use obscure words when simple words will do. Writing with simplicity will add bold power to your writing.
- let us imagine/visualise what is happening. When you say "A finger" I want to who's finger is it?
- dance began? this is a euphemism too confusing. The narrator is being fingered on the bed, or is she?
- more feelings

Click to expand...

Thank you for taking time to read and comment on my work.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Keep in mind that most stories are, at heart, gems or rocks. Both benefit from improvement and polishing but one becomes a jewel and the other doesn't. I suggest you stick to your style and polish where needed.

Click to expand...

Thank you James. I do read a lot, (mostly psychological thrillers) and have developed my own style of writing. If I changed my style to conform to other peoples preferences I'd stop writing because it would suck out the joy and become a pointless endeavor.

Heather might not be everyone's cup of tea but I think she's one messed up sexy bitch and love her for it.

Jenny_4 said:

Could you please point out the inconsistencies in verb tenses as this seems to be one of my writing issues?

Click to expand...

OK

Jenny_4 said:

My real name isn’t Heather H but that is something I can’t think about right now. Matt hasn’t been returning my texts which isn’t unusual. He’s probably out with his wife; which is also something I try not to think about; however, the more I push her out of my mind the more she appears. Lose-Lose. Sometimes, she’s fucking Matt, but most of the time she’s bleeding to death because I just slit her throat. I think she knows about me —Matt doesn’t try too hard to cover his tracks.

Right now, I’m sitting at Starbucks checking my phone every five seconds for a crumb of Matt attention.

Click to expand...

All present tense writing so far. BTW, it didn't catch that "she's fucking Matt" was what she was doing in your head and not what she was physically doing, which made the "she's bleeding to death because I just slit her throat" very jarring.

Then you switch to past tense:

Jenny_4 said:

My coffee tasted like old jet fuel but I sipped it anyway hoping the foul taste would take my mind off of him. Matt wasn’t going to text today. I spent hours checking my phone for any signs of Matt Life and none, nada, zip, zero. I decided that having a phone was like holding a constant rejection reminder and pondered tossing it into the trash along with my half finished bitter coffee but I didn’t.

I decided to take a drive to my thinking place since I really didn’t have anything better to do. I pulled up and my old friend the weeping cherry tree greeted me. It’s leaves just starting to turn. I turned off the car and threw my keys into my bag. Stepping out of the car my heels sank a bit and I made my way through the same dirt trail that I visited last week. Why do I always seem to wind up here Saturday’s at 3:15 PM?

Click to expand...

Your verb tense is a jumble in the next section:

Jenny_4 said:

My mind drifted to our last encounter. Matt just came back from work and although his shirt wasn’t tucked in and his tie askew he still appeared perfectly well-groomed. Maybe it’s because he looks like he’d always ate all his fruits and vegetables and brushed his teeth three times a day while making sure he got his eight hours of sleep that gave him that edge. When I look at us together in the mirror I resemble some wicked dark haired gypsy trying to corrupt and possess America’s Golden Boy. But in actuality his preppy good looks masked an unknown and questionable soul where as I was easy to read.

Click to expand...

If you are writing in simple past, then the verb tenses in the last encounter need to reflect that they occurred before the time you are writing. "Matt had just come back from work and although his shirt hadn't been tucked in and his tie had been askew, he had still appeared perfectly well-groomed." After that, I can't tell if you are writing about what happened in the last encounter or what was happening as you sat under the weeping cherry tree. Your verb tenses need to make the "when" clear and they don't.

I am not much of a writer, but from what I have read, simple past the standard for storytelling and you should break from that only if you have a very good reason for doing so.

On a macro level

I think you'd do yourself a huge favor by starting with the stuff that comes after "My mind drifted to our last encounter," and then proceeding chronologically. All the information you feed the reader in the preceding part can come out in the action and dialogue during and after that encounter. Flashbacks are where many writers get in trouble with verb tense. If you're going to use flashbacks, get in with past perfect (Matt HAD just come back from work...) and then switch to past tense. Then you need a clear transition out of the flashback to bring the reader back to or closer to the present.

On a micro level, WHEREAS is one word, as is AFTERTHOUGHT. I'm sure you can see why spell check (two words) doesn't catch those errors.

You need more variety in your sentence structure. For example, the last sentence of the second paragraph and the first sentence of the third paragraph both begin with "I decided."

I think you'll catch a lot of this yourself if you read your story out loud. You'll feel the story hitting potholes and speed bumps.

8letters said:

OK


All present tense writing so far. BTW, it didn't catch that "she's fucking Matt" was what she was doing in your head and not what she was physically doing, which made the "she's bleeding to death because I just slit her throat" very jarring.

Then you switch to past tense:


Your verb tense is a jumble in the next section:

If you are writing in simple past, then the verb tenses in the last encounter need to reflect that they occurred before the time you are writing. "Matt had just come back from work and although his shirt hadn't been tucked in and his tie had been askew, he had still appeared perfectly well-groomed." After that, I can't tell if you are writing about what happened in the last encounter or what was happening as you sat under the weeping cherry tree. Your verb tenses need to make the "when" clear and they don't.

I am not much of a writer, but from what I have read, simple past the standard for storytelling and you should break from that only if you have a very good reason for doing so.

Click to expand...

OK. I'll go over it and see what I need to change. Thanks again

Combat323 said:

I think you'd do yourself a huge favor by starting with the stuff that comes after "My mind drifted to our last encounter," and then proceeding chronologically. All the information you feed the reader in the preceding part can come out in the action and dialogue during and after that encounter. Flashbacks are where many writers get in trouble with verb tense. If you're going to use flashbacks, get in with past perfect (Matt HAD just come back from work...) and then switch to past tense. Then you need a clear transition out of the flashback to bring the reader back to or closer to the present.

On a micro level, WHEREAS is one word, as is AFTERTHOUGHT. I'm sure you can see why spell check (two words) doesn't catch those errors.

You need more variety in your sentence structure. For example, the last sentence of the second paragraph and the first sentence of the third paragraph both begin with "I decided."

I think you'll catch a lot of this yourself if you read your story out loud. You'll feel the story hitting potholes and speed bumps.

Click to expand...

I'll make the changes in the spelling now and work on my verb tense issues. I'll post the verb corrections when I figure out how what works best. Thank you for helping. (I don't care about publishing but I do care about writing quality work.)

Jenny_4 said:

Thank you James. I do read a lot, (mostly psychological thrillers) and have developed my own style of writing. If I changed my style to conform to other peoples preferences I'd stop writing because it would suck out the joy and become a pointless endeavor.

Heather might not be everyone's cup of tea but I think she's one messed up sexy bitch and love her for it.

Click to expand...

Some terrific best selling writers lose their way from bad advice or whatever, It usually happens after their 5th best seller. Stick to your style, its interesting, and fix the real flaws. Ideosyncracies aren't necessarily flaws. And good luck.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Some terrific best selling writers lose their way from bad advice or whatever, It usually happens after their 5th best seller. Stick to your style, its interesting, and fix the real flaws. Ideosyncracies aren't necessarily flaws. And good luck.

Click to expand...

I know what you mean. Another novel I'm working on was posted on a writers site and had a massive amount of comments some of which were a bit condescending and conflicting. I've learned what to use and what to ignore. The verb tense issue has come up repeatedly. I'm looking for a fun way to correct this.

!

great! pretty curious what's going to happen.. also, very cool style, it's literary but still gets to the point very quickly.

I don't know if it's just me but I'd like to know what she's saying.

Here are some tense problems and others, and how they should read: My real name isn’t Heather H(comma) but that's something I can’t think about right now. Matt hasn’t been returning my texts which isn’t unusual. He’s probably out with his wife — which is also something I try not to think about but the more I push her out of my mind the more she appears. Sometimes, she’s fucking Matt, but most of the time she’s bleeding to death because I just slit her throat.(it sounds as if she had actually cut her throat. I was just starting to get interested when it turned out she hadn't) I think she knows about me —Matt doesn’t try too hard to cover his tracks.

Right now, I’m sitting at Starbucks checking my phone every five seconds. Matt wasn’t going to text today. I (have) spent hours checking my phone for any signs of Matt Life and none, nada, zip, zero. I decided that carrying a cell was like holding a constant rejection reminder and pondered tossing it into the trash along with my half finished jet-fuel coffee but I didn’t. Instead, I left the coffee shop and drove to my thinking place. As I pulled up my old friend, the weeping cherry tree, greeted me. I turned off the ignition and threw my keys into my bag.

Stepping out of the car my heels ( you have your heels stepping without you.)sank slightly into the dirt and I made my way through the same trail that I (had) visited last week. Why do I always seem to wind up here Saturday’s at 3:15 PM?

The breeze tickled my skin and a bird chirped in unison with the crickets encouraging my mind to drift. The last time I (had seen)saw Matt he (had) just came back from work. Although his shirt wasn’t (hadn't been) tucked in and his tie askew he (had) still appeared perfectly well-groomed. We made (should be MAKE a strange couple because it is a continuing condition) A glimpse in the mirror reflected( again, you mean a glimpse (at any time) reflects (present) myself as some dark-haired wicked gypsy trying to corrupt and possess America’s Golden Boy. (You have a mirror at your weeping cherry tree?) But in actuality Matt's preppy good looks masked an unknown and questionable soul whereas I was easy to read.

Matt stood behind me and I felt his fingers push through my hair and squeeze the back of my head. He pulled my head back and whispered in my ear. His words ran through my mind and I embellished on his descriptions. (embellished is a fine word. anyone who thinks embellish is obscure, can't have read much.) Matt’s lack of variety didn’t surprise me. (no idea what this sentence means)He didn’t really put much effort into me at all. I was like the afterthought of a day poorly planned. It was getting tiresome. I wanted more. His lips brushed the back of my neck and wandered down my back. Hands grazed my curves. “Baby you’re so fuckin beautiful I can’t get enough of you” he moaned, bent me over the bed and kicked my legs to either side. A finger, wet and long slipped inside me.

You have a haunting style, but you need to read what you write. If you are narrating in the past tense and you go further back, that's past perfect. The tenses are confusing because you say "Right now I am at Starbucks, then your character goes from there forward in time to meet Matt, but then he "stood" behind me (past tense). . .and a "finger slipped (past tense) inside me."

I liked the voice you found for this story as it comes off as both real and compelling. The voice coming through the words has passion and a personality that readers can flesh out after the first few words; that's something most authors can only rarely do and usually only with a narrow range of characters.

Don't know if this helps but the story made me randomly start thinking of Frank Miller movie stuff like Sin City and graphic novels. The rhythm, the way the story jumps a bit and some of the detail you include all have a feel that certainly had me interested in further developments.