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Old 09-26-2018, 03:04 AM   #1
Vaguy41
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Curious if i should pursue the truth

So i have a question.

A few months ago... i talked to my wife about funding a "friend" to join usfor some fun. She was non interested until i kept pushing. Then she admitted she had been invited to have an affair with a former coworker. She refused, and continued to talk to him as friends as she told me.
Side note, i travel alot for work, so i have alot of time on my hands.
Anyways, after talking back and forth about him joining us, we decided it was best to not invite him. With all the time i have on my hands for being overseas for work... i look at her phone texting from the previous months....i come to find out she had been texting him (i had a friend call and confirm his number) for months leading up to her telling me she had been approached. She also continued to text him after. So i asked her about him, she got super defensive, and basically threatened divorce since i didnt believe her and respected her enough to not bring him up.

My question really is... should i pursue the truth as to what happened? Or should i just assume? What are your thoughts on what happened?
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Old 09-26-2018, 06:50 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaguy41 View Post
she admitted she had been invited to have an affair with a former coworker. She refused, and continued to talk to him as friends as she told me.

...

i come to find out she had been texting him (i had a friend call and confirm his number) for months leading up to her telling me she had been approached. She also continued to text him after.
If she already told you she was still talking to the guy... why is it a surprise that she's texting him?

Quote:
So i asked her about him, she got super defensive, and basically threatened divorce since i didnt believe her and respected her enough to not bring him up.

My question really is... should i pursue the truth as to what happened? Or should i just assume? What are your thoughts on what happened?
Let's say I'm your wife and I'm having an affair with this guy.

I can see reasons why I might come clean to you about the affair. I can see reasons why I might cover it up and pretend nothing's happening. What I can't see is any reason why I'd go halfway, putting the idea of an affair in your head without actually admitting to one. How does that make sense?

(I can also see why she might be reluctant to tell you he'd propositioned her, given how you reacted to that information. I would be "packing my bags to stay with a friend" levels of pissed if my partner decided to go trawling through my phone records for this sort of purpose.)

At this point, either you trust your wife or you don't. If you don't trust her, then it doesn't actually matter whether she cheated on you, because your relationship is fucked either way. Either she's lying to you, or she's innocent and you're the guy who snooped on her texts and got one of your friends involved after she trusted you with that information. Sounds like she's made it clear that divorce is on the cards if you keep pushing it.

If you do trust her, then you probably ought to hold off on the threesome plans until you've done some maintenance work on your marriage.
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Old 09-26-2018, 06:52 AM   #3
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Do you really have reason to believe that She is not telling you the truth?
If She kept him as a friend why would they not text each other?

If you wanted to invite a "friend" for fun, why would this bother you?
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Old 09-26-2018, 07:18 AM   #4
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Is she texting or sexting? Big difference. Nothing wrong with texting.

You also present a very mixed bag here. Sounds like you wanted a threesome with that guy. Or am I reading that wrong? So you wanted in on it but are unhappy that she might be doing something with him without you?

What exactly did you say to her and her to you? Exact words do matter. Phrase the question correctly and you can tell by her answer if she is lying or not.

Be direct.

"Are you having sex with that guy?"

"No."

"What's your definition of sex?"

When Bill Clinton was asked, they left out that last part. He doesn't consider oral to be sex.
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Old 09-26-2018, 07:26 AM   #5
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Everything Bramblethorn said and

If you have concerns your wife is having an affair then maybe you should ask yourself why she may feel her relationship with you is inadequate.

May be very hard to come back from the damage done by phone snooping. You find something and feel trust is broken or your partner feels you have abused trust and privacy. If you want to get your relationship back on track then make sure all your conversations are about "I" and follow through on your promises. The moment you start a conversation with "you" your partner will recoil.
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Old 09-26-2018, 08:18 AM   #6
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Thanks for the responses.
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Old 09-26-2018, 10:24 AM   #7
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If she got super defensive and threatened divorce over just being asked about it, then there is more than just texting. Perhaps she wants to keep him for herself?

As to whether you should pursue farther? Depends on what you want. If she is having an affair, then you have to decide how far you want to push it. You could end up divorced wither living with him.

As far as a threesome? If she wanted a threesome with you and him, she would have told you?

Bottom line - - she is probably fucking him and don't want you involved!
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Old 09-26-2018, 04:47 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by curioustxn View Post
If she got super defensive and threatened divorce over just being asked about it, then there is more than just texting. Perhaps she wants to keep him for herself?
It wasn't "just being asked about it". OP went through her phone logs and even brought a friend into it to find out who she was texting - instead of, say, asking her "do you still talk to that guy you said you were talking to?" That's not a healthy way for two adults to have a relationship.
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Old 09-26-2018, 09:58 PM   #9
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If he could see that she is still texting, why couldn't he see the texts themselves? Content would be telling!
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Old 09-26-2018, 11:28 PM   #10
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"should I pursue the truth?"

Your mind is already made up.
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Old 09-27-2018, 02:31 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Dribble View Post
"should I pursue the truth?"

Your mind is already made up.
As Jack Nicholson famously said, "You can't handle the truth."
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Old 09-27-2018, 02:38 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReadyOne View Post
If he could see that she is still texting, why couldn't he see the texts themselves? Content would be telling!
I thought of that too.
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Old 09-27-2018, 02:59 AM   #13
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I did not go through her phone and read the texts as assumed. After asking her if she was still textig him and her telling me to drop it, i looked at the phone usage online. It only states text message from who to who, dates and times. My original post is misleading to show i did that before asking her.
. Thats then when i had a friend call the number to figure out it was him she was texting. I do not know the content of the texts, but after seeing texts during the night, early morning... thats when i began questioning more.
I can absolutely handle the truth.... what i dont understand is the defnsiveness.
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Old 09-27-2018, 03:44 AM   #14
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People get defensive when they don't want the truth to come out.

Then, they try to spin it around and make it all about you and your lack of trust.

Or maybe that's just my ex. At least he was consistent each time he got caught having an affair.
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Old 09-27-2018, 03:50 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by barefootgirl69 View Post
People get defensive when they don't want the truth to come out.

Then, they try to spin it around and make it all about you and your lack of trust.

Or maybe that's just my ex. At least he was consistent each time he got caught having an affair.
Mine just kept telling me I was crazy and laughing at me.

The truth came out after the divorce. I don't know when the cheating started but the first I knew of for sure was within days of him moving into our house on Cape Cod. Charges to a local hotel on the Visa card. He tried to tell me he was just playing pool.

However, he went missing for several weeks during our cross country move. He may well have been cheating then too.
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Old 09-27-2018, 08:43 PM   #16
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Time for Magnum PI
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Old 09-27-2018, 10:54 PM   #17
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What is the outcome you want? Do you want to stay in this relationship or do you want out?

The answer to that question should be your motivation.

I'm all about the truth, but are you prepared for the answer?

Which brings me back to...what is it you want?
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Old 09-27-2018, 11:01 PM   #18
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Time for Magnum PI
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Old 09-27-2018, 11:05 PM   #19
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I want to stay.

I just want to knkw the truth and be open about it
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Old 09-27-2018, 11:15 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaguy41 View Post
I want to stay.

I just want to knkw the truth and be open about it
Then tell her that and accept the answer she gives you as the truth.
Either way you'll know. Look at her body language. The non verbal speaks louder than words.
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Old 09-27-2018, 11:18 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaguy41 View Post
I want to stay.

I just want to knkw the truth and be open about it
What makes you think she hasn't already told the truth?
You obviously think you were lied to before, that you haven't gotten the truth. Are you sure you want to hear the words? Why not just keep going on the premise that she cheated, don't say another word, and BUILD your relationship?
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Old 09-27-2018, 11:28 PM   #22
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Your right barefoot. Thanks.
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Old 09-27-2018, 11:31 PM   #23
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Your right barefoot. Thanks.
May I message you privately?
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Old 09-28-2018, 10:56 AM   #24
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Of course
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Old 09-28-2018, 03:08 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaguy41 View Post
So i have a question.

A few months ago... i talked to my wife about funding a "friend" to join usfor some fun. She was non interested until i kept pushing. Then she admitted she had been invited to have an affair with a former coworker. She refused, and continued to talk to him as friends as she told me.
Side note, i travel alot for work, so i have alot of time on my hands.
Anyways, after talking back and forth about him joining us, we decided it was best to not invite him. With all the time i have on my hands for being overseas for work... i look at her phone texting from the previous months....i come to find out she had been texting him (i had a friend call and confirm his number) for months leading up to her telling me she had been approached. She also continued to text him after. So i asked her about him, she got super defensive, and basically threatened divorce since i didnt believe her and respected her enough to not bring him up.

My question really is... should i pursue the truth as to what happened? Or should i just assume? What are your thoughts on what happened?
You already know the truth. She will not admit it.

If you have lots of money involved in this marriage when you think they are meeting have a PI record the incident. for Court...if needed.

It is after all a question of mind over matter...If you don't mind than it REALLY DOESN'T MATTER!
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