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JAMESBJOHNSON
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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Submitted a long story today, and hatched an idea for a Mature Tale. Candy Bahr, a wealthy and prominent matron is rejected for membership in the local chapter of the Daughters of the American Heritage, because she's Jewish. Then learns that her bestest friend was behind the rejection. Candy's attitude is don't get mad, get even, and she makes a plan to go for a skinny dip in her friends gene pool.
JackLuis
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Your plots sound like they are getting more interesting, JB.
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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I'm a recluse and a misanthrope. You prolly had no idea. But I have like zero FACEBOOK friends, and haven't used my phone in over a year. I blame all the years I spent working with people. I mean, what sane person wants to invite that kind of bullshit into his life if he isn't paid for it!
So yesterday I discover that a woman I knew well and liked died 20 years ago. I had no idea, and she lived here in town. That explains why her husband has nuthin to do with me. He was expecting me at the funeral, or flowers, or a call, and I had no idea his wife died. I don't read the paper, and we never traveled in the same social circle.
The last time I saw either of them I had to admit the wife to the hospital; he had just filed for divorce, and she was upset. She also told me plenty of embarrassing things about their sex life, stuff he made her do. You should never know what old friends do in their bedrooms! Afterwards I never heard more from them. She died within a few months of the admission.
So yesterday I discover that a woman I knew well and liked died 20 years ago. I had no idea, and she lived here in town. That explains why her husband has nuthin to do with me. He was expecting me at the funeral, or flowers, or a call, and I had no idea his wife died. I don't read the paper, and we never traveled in the same social circle.
The last time I saw either of them I had to admit the wife to the hospital; he had just filed for divorce, and she was upset. She also told me plenty of embarrassing things about their sex life, stuff he made her do. You should never know what old friends do in their bedrooms! Afterwards I never heard more from them. She died within a few months of the admission.
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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Editing a 6500 word story I'll submit later this week.
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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Completed the tale about the fanatic reader who spends the day at the mall preparing herself for a soiree with her favorite writer. At 6pm she walks out of the mall dressed to kill and looking fine, and 5 minutes later she's a sodden mess, then lost in the wilderness 3 hours after that. With her car mired in mud, and alone at night in a wilderness forest, she limps to a cottage hidden at the end of a long, desolate drive. She knocks on the door, and her author/hero answers.
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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WTF
The corn I planted tasseled after 4 weeks, and is about 3 feet tall. WTF? Totally weird. It oughta be 6.5 feet tall and tassel in another month or so.
The corn I planted tasseled after 4 weeks, and is about 3 feet tall. WTF? Totally weird. It oughta be 6.5 feet tall and tassel in another month or so.
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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I'm the last to know for either. I recently met a sister I hadn't seen since 1969. One of my grandmothers is buried in Tampa. She lived there for as long as I can remember but I never met her. I got a letter from her once.
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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Been watching an old BBC production of GREAT EXPECTATIONS. The kid who plays Pip is convincing, ditto Pip's sister, Joe Gargery, Abel Magwich, and Miss Havisham; but Estella was miscast. She's not Estella. Anthony Hopkins woulda been an ideal Magwich.
Dickens thought GE was his best, I agree.
Dickens thought GE was his best, I agree.
JackLuis
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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Weird stuff. There are dwarf varieties of corn, and this stuff looks like it. I bought some calla lily bulbs that became caladiums.
JackLuis
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A friend gave me some "Strawberry Popcorn" seed and it grew up about three feet and produced ears that were more like ping pong balls, I let them dry on the stalks and found that the corn was pretty red kernels. I never tried popping them, but used them for Xmas Decorations.
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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From what I read my corn problem oughta be from inadequate watering and inadequate fertilization. OK, then why do the stalks have ears 4 weeks ahead of schedule? Ought not have any ears at all.
I know how to grow corn. I got the merit badge for it.
It looks like the seed people put the wrong seeds in the package. There exist dwarf varieties that grow about 3 feet high and make small ears within 60 days or so. I suspect that's what I got.
JackLuis
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Sounds like it. Or maybe its one of those GMO mutant strains, that will uproot themselves and raise havoc in the neighborhood, fucking the spinsters in their sleep and raise their expectations?
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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I don't know. I was just outside and a good looking Italian gal waved her fingers at me. Have no idea who she is. Prolly just moved in. In her 50s and looks good.
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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Did some writing of a new series about an old boy who's seriously fucked by his old lady and her friends. He ends up in prison and finds Satan there. They make a deal. Satan helps out Charlie and Charlie agrees to partner up with an old maid who traded her soul to Satan for a man. 40ish, fat, plain, WALMART overnite stocker. Rents a trailer.
Later Satan offers Charlie other deals.
Could be fun.
Later Satan offers Charlie other deals.
Could be fun.
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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I wrote the script for this back in 1993. We made an audio tape of the original, and the voice was Michael Jackson.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cf8ww_Q_c3s
The original was funnier, I think.
Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline, if you know your partys extension you may press their number at any time, otherwise stay on the line for our directory of services. And remember! Every Thursday is Pity Party Picnic on the grounds of the Depressives Day Treatment wing.
BEEP
If you suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder PRESS 1 repeatedly. BEEP
If youre co-dependent have a friend PRESS 2 for you now. BEEP
If you suffer from paranoid personality disorder just hang up, we know who you are and where you live. BEEP
If youre schizophrenic just listen to the voice in your head for the correct extension number. BEEP
If you have alzheimers disease PRESS 3 now, PRESS 3 now, PRESS 3 now. BEEP
If you suffer from low self esteem, hang up now, plenty of others are more deserving of help and youre tieing up the phone. BEEP
If this is a 911 life or death emergency call PRESS BEEP Welcome to the mental health hotline!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cf8ww_Q_c3s
The original was funnier, I think.
Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline, if you know your partys extension you may press their number at any time, otherwise stay on the line for our directory of services. And remember! Every Thursday is Pity Party Picnic on the grounds of the Depressives Day Treatment wing.
BEEP
If you suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder PRESS 1 repeatedly. BEEP
If youre co-dependent have a friend PRESS 2 for you now. BEEP
If you suffer from paranoid personality disorder just hang up, we know who you are and where you live. BEEP
If youre schizophrenic just listen to the voice in your head for the correct extension number. BEEP
If you have alzheimers disease PRESS 3 now, PRESS 3 now, PRESS 3 now. BEEP
If you suffer from low self esteem, hang up now, plenty of others are more deserving of help and youre tieing up the phone. BEEP
If this is a 911 life or death emergency call PRESS BEEP Welcome to the mental health hotline!
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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Had a brain fart yesterday and got to work.
I hate mowing grass. And grass is a pain in the ass to keep healthy. Plus, unless you have cows, whats the point? So here's the plan: I'm gonna fill the yard with ferns.
Ferns are now in buckets awaiting transplant after they regenerate.
I hate mowing grass. And grass is a pain in the ass to keep healthy. Plus, unless you have cows, whats the point? So here's the plan: I'm gonna fill the yard with ferns.
Ferns are now in buckets awaiting transplant after they regenerate.
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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The onions are harvested, bagged 5 pounds of them for my daughter, plus 5 pounds of red potatoes. The beefsteak tomatoes are still a week away from ripening. And the cukes are 2 weeks out. She also gets a jar of Daddys blueberry preserves.
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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Spent the afternoon at the ball field watching my grandson play. He's a pitcher on an AAU baseball team for this region. I'm amazed at how good the kids are. All are like 16 and 17 years old. The coach is a retired MLB player. My grandson also pitches for his high school varsity team.
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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Read 40 plus pages of EXQUISITE CORPSE by Poppy Z.Brite. The writing is excellent tho she fails when it comes to creative innovation. Her solutions to problems aren't clever; when push comes to shove she hammers her square peg into the round hole.
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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JAMESBJOHNSON
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Pulled another long story (7800 words) outta mothballs to make a LIT tale.
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