New Story Rough Edges

Hi
Just published a new story and received positive comments but also suggesting the story is rough around the edges. Wondered if anyone had the time to take a read and provide some observations on how to improve the writing style as I do intend there to be several more chapters.

It is in the science fiction category and contains mild lesbian sex.

https://www.literotica.com/s/deep-space-destiny-ch-01

Looking forward to yours comments.

Steve

Hi I read your story and I had a couple of thoughts. For one, I wouldn't start with the exposition about Earth, just weave it into the story. Although if you do leave it in, it's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Also I thought the "pardon the pun" line detracted from the scene. I think if you focused more on the characters and let the setting be incidental, it could be stronger. I hope you continue the story!

Well, getting HHG wrong really leaped out at me, not a good start. The preachy environmental messaging was also a bit off-putting. The bit about the cadets and their destiny is a bit repetitive - 'destiny' comes up 3 times. Another thing that is repeated is the bit about the coming weekend being a celebration.

But later when you get to the 'action' scenes, it's much better. That's my opinion.

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