D/s with a side of depression

So for years I've been saying, "I have depressive symptoms but not actual Depression." Turns out you can only have depressive symptoms for so long before you Actually Have Depression!

It's not that bad. It's not like I'm sitting in my bedroom all day with the curtains drawn while flies collect in the piles of unkempt garbage on the floor. I go to work, I eat, I shower, I basically function.

However, I really suck at doing housework. I get all overwhelmed by how much there is to do, and I procrastinate, and then it's worse, and it seems like it takes five thousand years to get anything done.

(As a side note, I'm also a service submissive, meaning that I enjoy doing things like cleaning house and cooking for my Doms, especially if I get sexually rewarded for it after.)

Has anyone ever used their kink or the D/s community at large as a method to get out of the bad habits their mental illnesses put them in? I'm honestly thinking about putting up an ad that basically reads, "Help Me Keep My House Clean Via Orgasm Denial and Teasing!"

I'm neurodivergent and have pretty bad depression. I'm on a couple medications for it, but it still fucks me up enough to think that I'll probably never be fit enough to work a regular job.

But yeah, the D/s thing has really helped me not feel like a worthless sack of shit. Our dynamic has evolved into mostly pet play where I am the house cat-- I sleep a lot but have some bursts of energy. I stay at home most of the day but sometimes wander around the neighborhood. Having low energy and way fewer spoons than I used to is OK because that makes me a more convincing kitty! Yay!

I do be as productive as I can, though. Chores get done, I look for work, I draw and make a little money that way. I spend most of my spoons on cooking lol. It sounds like I have it really easy, but I'm always teetering on the brink of breaking down for being a failed member of society even though I know the whole concept is horseshit. It's hard. If I spent all day saturday running errands, then I know that I probably won't be leaving the house sunday. And so on.

There hasn't been much in the way of specific things that we do in our dynamic that helps reinforce this, that, and the other thing, but just the existence of our dynamic, the concept that I am being valued for things that wouldn't otherwise have value in a traditional relationship is really, really helpful.

Yes! I very recently came upon the spoons concept and it's so apt. Spending your days as the house cat is super accurate, too! What a perfect role for you, or so it sounds like. I'm currently doing the "do I want to try out the frightening world of medication or do I just want to try and get some CBT and see where that goes" back and forth dance.

Being a writer, I totally get the whole "I do things that don't normally have societal value but my partner supports me and that's all that should matter but sometimes it's not enough" mindset. It's rough! Out of curiosity, do you do any graphic design, or just drawing?

Also, "If I spent all day saturday running errands, then I know that I probably won't be leaving the house sunday", YES. And having to schedule your time like that is teh suxors!

Scrivener_ said:

Yes! I very recently came upon the spoons concept and it's so apt. Spending your days as the house cat is super accurate, too! What a perfect role for you, or so it sounds like. I'm currently doing the "do I want to try out the frightening world of medication or do I just want to try and get some CBT and see where that goes" back and forth dance.

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It has been REALLY helpful in getting some other people to understand what's going on... and also I've shown it to some people who are just discovering that something may be wrong for them, and it's helped them too. It's such a perfect analogy. *A*

I'm not going to be a drug-pusher, as I know TONS of people for whom they didn't work, so I'm just going to consider myself really lucky, especially since the first Rx we tried worked. Therapy is useful under a lot of circumstances, but if the problem is chemical, then no amount of talking is going to fix it. It probably WILL help you cope with having a diminished ability to get shit done tho.

Being a writer, I totally get the whole "I do things that don't normally have societal value but my partner supports me and that's all that should matter but sometimes it's not enough" mindset. It's rough! Out of curiosity, do you do any graphic design, or just drawing?

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Aw yiss, another creative. What kind of writing do you do?

I'm a jack of all trades when it comes to the visual arts, but my personal passions and projects are of the cartooning and illustrative sort.

Also, "If I spent all day saturday running errands, then I know that I probably won't be leaving the house sunday", YES. And having to schedule your time like that is teh suxors!

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Ugh, ain't that the truth. I have GI issues too so in addition to taking care of energy management, I also have to basically plan my meals ahead of time too to make sure I don't have any X or too much of Y, and definitely no Z for dinner because it's too close to bedtime and...

Sigh.

First rule of Spoonie Club... is to bitch about Spoonie Club. :B

*wonders what sort of "spoons" they could be talking about*

It's a term that started in the CFS/fibromaylgia communities - basically, you start each day with a certain number of "spoons" - that's your base energy level. Doing normal-people things, like making breakfast, getting dressed and going to work, that costs a certain number of spoons. By the time you get home each day, you usually only have a few spoons left, between the spoon-taking stresses of work, family, home and friends. So sometimes you run out of spoons before your day is done, which really sucks, because then you just have to recharge at home, doing quiet things that usually don't count as productivity. Big outings take up lots of spoons for me, so usually the next day I just do quiet things that don't require much activity in order to get all my spoons back. Does that make sense?

Yes!!

What a wonderful exercise in self-awareness!

Thank you for taking the time to explain.

No worries! I was explaining it to my SO tonight and he's like, "But why spoons? Why not like... forks, or knives, or some other cutlery? And what kind of spoons are they? Silver or stainless steel or plastic? Who decided this?" and I'm like, "Babe, I don't know. My spoons are stainless steel and I get about fifteen of them a day."

Yessss I'm on meds and today I had to cut the grass big garden did I want to no I also have fibromyalgia and the only thing making me want to do it was knowing Sir was going to be plds ,I'm going to have to work for my new sexy coller .
I hate mess but sometimes I just don't want to move . So yes go for it.

Thanks for this thread

I have family members who suffer from depression. I have witnessed much of what is described. There are readers out there who haven't clued in yet that they or a loved one aren't just lazy. The open discussion very well may help others.

Scrivener_ said:

So for years I've been saying, "I have depressive symptoms but not actual Depression." Turns out you can only have depressive symptoms for so long before you Actually Have Depression!

It's not that bad. It's not like I'm sitting in my bedroom all day with the curtains drawn while flies collect in the piles of unkempt garbage on the floor. I go to work, I eat, I shower, I basically function.

However, I really suck at doing housework. I get all overwhelmed by how much there is to do, and I procrastinate, and then it's worse, and it seems like it takes five thousand years to get anything done.

(As a side note, I'm also a service submissive, meaning that I enjoy doing things like cleaning house and cooking for my Doms, especially if I get sexually rewarded for it after.)

Has anyone ever used their kink or the D/s community at large as a method to get out of the bad habits their mental illnesses put them in? I'm honestly thinking about putting up an ad that basically reads, "Help Me Keep My House Clean Via Orgasm Denial and Teasing!"

Click to expand...

Cleaning house is rather therapeutic for me. I feel MORE depressed in a dirty space and find I can't concentrate. I used to have problems completing homework because I would look around and think of ALL the things I needed to do. It would completely distract me and I'd start feeling bad because I couldn't get anything done. Homework had a deadline, the house was making me guilty, and not getting anything done made me feel useless.

Cleaning and cooking helps me work off mental stress. I once detailed my oven/stove top out of anger. It looks better than it did when we moved in.

I'm very service oriented, so doing these things gives me a reward that isn't sexual gratification. I get peace of mind knowing it's done and the added benefit of being physically active. Which can be very good for you, at least that's what I hear.

Social situations exhaust me, so working in the home is very good for me.

MeekMe said:

Cleaning house is rather therapeutic for me. I feel MORE depressed in a dirty space and find I can't concentrate. I used to have problems completing homework because I would look around and think of ALL the things I needed to do. It would completely distract me and I'd start feeling bad because I couldn't get anything done. Homework had a deadline, the house was making me guilty, and not getting anything done made me feel useless.

Cleaning and cooking helps me work off mental stress. I once detailed my oven/stove top out of anger. It looks better than it did when we moved in.

I'm very service oriented, so doing these things gives me a reward that isn't sexual gratification. I get peace of mind knowing it's done and the added benefit of being physically active. Which can be very good for you, at least that's what I hear.

Social situations exhaust me, so working in the home is very good for me.

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It's super good for me to be in a clean space, and yes, it does stress me out more to be surrounded by clutter, and I know that, and when I actually get going, it's not so bad, but the starting is SO HARD. (Which is why I need a Dom to sit there and glare at me until I do it, haha.)

There's this tumblr and app called Unfuck Your Habitat, and it's really great for depressed people trying to live in a nice space - it advocates twenty minute cleaning sessions, focusing on one room at a time, and just being kind to yourself - and then you have the option to make the app swear at you, which might be more effective if it did it out loud rather than just saying the swear on the screen. It's irreverent and non-judgemental and pretty funny.

Interesting app, I have a similar system. Clutter isn't much of a problem though. My issues are the nitty gritty. If the entertainment center is dusty, I get anxious. If the kitchen sink isn't bleached, I get anxious. The shower needs scrubbing. The floors need to be mopped. It's starting to sound like OCD, but it's not super urgent that I get these things done or I'm incapacitated. It's more of a "we can have no guests over if these things are messy." Mister's family visits, and he has friends over so I try to keep things in order for him. The best motivation for cleaning is the threat of having guests. Gets me going real quick.

Of course, he helps with chores. On weekends he doesn't mind taking some time to help. Though, he only does tasks he likes, I take care of the rest.

There are so many days I have no motivation for it though. Sometimes the only thing I can do is force myself to start. I know once I get started it'll get better. Kind of like exercise. I hate the thought, struggle to start, but feel SO much better after. Now if only I could motivate myself to actually exercise. (-｡-;

Scrivener_ said:

It's super good for me to be in a clean space, and yes, it does stress me out more to be surrounded by clutter, and I know that, and when I actually get going, it's not so bad, but the starting is SO HARD. (Which is why I need a Dom to sit there and glare at me until I do it, haha.)

There's this tumblr and app called Unfuck Your Habitat, and it's really great for depressed people trying to live in a nice space - it advocates twenty minute cleaning sessions, focusing on one room at a time, and just being kind to yourself - and then you have the option to make the app swear at you, which might be more effective if it did it out loud rather than just saying the swear on the screen. It's irreverent and non-judgemental and pretty funny.

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I don't know if Flylady is still out there on the net?

I like cleaning, actually. I do my laundry by hand now too. It seems counter-intuitive to use up spoons doing that stuff, but it's really, really therapeutic. Also it pisses me off that I can't reclaim the water used in a machine for the garden. (I live in so Cal.)

I got into reading about the minimalist lifestyle earlier this year, and one of the boons to me was that there was less to clean and less to keep organized. Clutter and too much visual stimulation in a space where I'm supposed to be living gives me pretty bad anxiety, so I've learned to get away from that as much as possible and have learned to cultivate a minimalist space in my rented room. I thought I'd hate being in a room with only a bed and a bookcase, but it really eliminates pretty much all cleaning time aside from dusting and washing the sheets. I've also given away tons of my stuff, so it's impossible for it to even get that messy between cleanings anymore. :>

KoPilot said:

I like cleaning, actually. I do my laundry by hand now too. It seems counter-intuitive to use up spoons doing that stuff, but it's really, really therapeutic. Also it pisses me off that I can't reclaim the water used in a machine for the garden. (I live in so Cal.)

I got into reading about the minimalist lifestyle earlier this year, and one of the boons to me was that there was less to clean and less to keep organized. Clutter and too much visual stimulation in a space where I'm supposed to be living gives me pretty bad anxiety, so I've learned to get away from that as much as possible and have learned to cultivate a minimalist space in my rented room. I thought I'd hate being in a room with only a bed and a bookcase, but it really eliminates pretty much all cleaning time aside from dusting and washing the sheets. I've also given away tons of my stuff, so it's impossible for it to even get that messy between cleanings anymore. :>

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The Tiny-house movement is intriguing to me just because of the whole less-to-clean thing, but I'm such a pack rat and unorganized that I'd probably just make a mess of things immediately. Sigh.

Scrivener_ said:

The Tiny-house movement is intriguing to me just because of the whole less-to-clean thing, but I'm such a pack rat and unorganized that I'd probably just make a mess of things immediately. Sigh.

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Ah yeah, tiny houses are amazing and adorbs and all those things.

I struggle with addiction a lot (I drink, but I've learned to stop beating myself up about that because I don't get drunk), namely shopping addiction, so the minimalist thing has been me trying to combat that too.

Learning that my depression and my compulsive need to acquire shit are really way scary linked together and it makes me more depressed just thinking about how much of a mess that whole thing is for me. xD

Honestly? I hate to go against everyone here, but I spent years trying to self-medicate with a number of things, D/s among them. It was a terrible idea and only made things worse for me. I don't doubt that it might help some people, but keep in mind that if you're not firing on all cylinders, it makes it a lot easier for someone to take advantage of you. And being taken advantage of in that state of mind is not going to help matters, either.

Yeah, I'm not going to recommend it, that's for sure-- I don't generally recommend anything to anyone struggling with depression because what helps one person will majorly fuck someone else up. I basically just say "try stuff".

Personally, I'm married and trust this guy with my life. He's not even heavy on the control thing at all. I would not under any circumstances rely on D/s with anything less serious than the relationship that I've got right now.

But yeah, sometimes bad decisions are just that. I guess consider this edge play.

Since my depression started when I was a kid, I didn't know what "normal" was. I didn't get help until a few years ago. My depression and anxiety got so bad Mister made me see someone. I was on meds for a year or two. I stopped taking the meds when they caused some internal bleeding. I haven't gone back to medication for handling it. From the experience, I was able to recognize what my normal was and it helped me to see the signs of what a downward spiral looks like for me.

I've learned some coping skills and started eating better. The exercise needs to be there more (I feel fantastic when I workout regularly). For me (I'm only speaking for me and not suggesting others do this) I feel better taking care of myself without medication.

This is the origin of the "spoons" thing, by the way.

Edit: Shit, I see you already knew that, OP--sorry. Eh, I'll leave it, anyhow, in case somebody wants to read it.