Short story

“The woman in the black lingerie.”


I walked down a long hall-way of a house at the end of a hall was a door dimly illuminated by flickering light, I walk down the hallway and approach the door pushing it open, I see a beautiful voluptuous woman wearing elegant black lingerie with floral designs embroidered on it. She lay upon the bed, softly breathing as her breasts slowly move up and down our eyes meet. She signals me to come over, I walk over slowly as she moves her hand into her panties teasing herself. I remove all my clothes except for my red briefs, revealing a large bulge. I crawl onto the bed, her breathing begins to accelerate. I slowly move my hands over your body, gently caressing your breasts….I plant several kisses on your neck…..sending shivers through your body…..



We start to make out slowly, I put one hand on your hip and another gripping your butt, we start to French kiss a little. I slowly move my hand down your body sliding my hands beneath your panties I start to rub your clit gently, swishing my finger back and forth across your clit, you let out a moan of pleasure, I bite your neck in this moment and you grip my body tighly, I grind my hips into yours, rubbing my flaccid cock against your wet pussy, grinding in rhythm with each other….we flip over and take your bra off releasing your beautiful breasts. I start to suck and tweak on your nipples and slowly gyrating against you until I cant take it anymore…I slowly remove her panties, revealing a glistening pussy, we make eye contact and she grabs my throbbing hard cock through my underwear.
She rips my underwear over and my big cock flops out of my pants, dripping with pre-cum, she smiles and gently teases my hard cock causing it to jerk with pleasure, my eyes roll back into my head, she smiles at this sight. She leans forward on top of my, her beautiful breasts hanging,she starts to give a gentle blowjob, I throw my head back in pleasure to the wonderful sensations that enter my brain. She takes my cock out of her mouth, she begins to slowly lick my large shaft, rolling her tongue over the head of my cock. We stop and I lay you down on the bed, gently kissing your neck all the way down to your thigh, I begin to eat your pussy out, I grip your hips with my hands and slowly tease your clit, you begin to tremble with pleasure and start to moan. I roll my tongue over your clit more vigorously, you moan louder your pussy is dripping wet. The tension keeps building, you begin to tremble, you grab the back of my head and hold on to my hair as you can’t take anymore and climax inside my mouth, you pant hastily, eyes rolling back into your head, you feel pure ecstasy ripple through your beautiful body….


I lean forward and embrace you, holding you tight, I start to fuck you fast and slow, mixing the tempo depending on how you respond, you moan loudly for me to fuck you harder, I lay down and you mount me in reverse cowgirl, your beautiful ass lay before me slowly bouncing on my hard cock. You start to gyrate slowly, arching your back you grind on my cock as you feel your breasts. I watch your ass bounce against my cock, your pussy is dripping wet. You lean forward putting your hands back on the bed, i grab your ass and start to vigorously bounce your ass up and down the shaft of my cock.... My cock is pulsating inside of your pussy, it’s driving me crazy. I flip you over and start to fuck doggy style, your breasts bouncing back and forth with every hard thrust….you moan loudly for more, I feel a warm sensation fill my cock, I start to fuck you more furiously, keeping a fast rhythm, you scream loudly as I continue to fuck you hard and fast with every long stroke you feel my big cock inside of you….You scream and gasp as your body trembles, I begin to become euphoric as I climax, your vagina contracts against my cock tightly, the warm sensation becomes blissful. We both collapse in ecstasy on the bed, we lay motionless spooning together as we both fall asleep……


Any feedback would be good, first time posting.

Hi.

First off, this is a common mistake, but this is not where you post stories. You can post short excerpts to get ideas and help, but Literotica has a "story side" and stories are vetted before being posted.

To post, you need to go to literotica.com and follow the links to set up an account. Once you've done that, you can go to your author page and submit a story. It usually takes 2-3 days to post, maybe a little longer depending on circumstances. The site also has a 750-word minimum, and I'm not sure if you'd make that with what you have here (but you might, I didn't do a word count).

A quick glance at your story tells me you need to read it over yourself and/or get an editor. You switch between I/you and I/she narration. First problem with that is that you should be consistent in your narration point of view. Second, just going by anecdotal evidence, a lot of people dislike the I/you construction.

I'm not saying you shouldn't use it -- there are few absolute rules in writing -- but if you do post a story like that, you should be prepared for comments that give it a thumbs down.

There are also numerous little errors: "She leans forward on top of my" should be "She leans forward on top of me," for example.

common mistake -- You start everything but never finish anything! How does one START to French kiss? How does one START to make out? You switch tenses and POV so often I got whiplash, and you scatter pronouns like Gretl's crumbs, hoping your readers can follow their way back to the story. Get a dictionary, a Strunk and White, and an editor. Then read what you write, re-read it, then read it again.

The biggest problem is that your story is often confusing. This is mostly because writing the second person is difficult. Also, the "You" should probably be the main character.

Keep in mind I usually find the 2nd person POV to be jarring.

Keep in Mind:

- This place shouldn't be used for posting an entire Story. You put me in a spot when I remove a seemingly harmless thread when they don't follow the rules. Please edit your post.

- Your grammar is a big turn-off.

- Read your own work out loud, again and again, which you obviously haven't.

- Decide which POV you want to write in. Switching it in the same scene is NOT an option.

- Get an editor. Please.