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Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer.”
The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, “How long were you married?” He answered, “24 years.” “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”,
St. Peter asked. The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times … but you said I was forgiven.”
St. Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”

The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out.”
St. Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Lincoln.”

The third guy walked up and said, “St. Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”
St. Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, “I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!”
 
It'll read Espanol after 5-6 shots

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When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy the suit, his #$&^ing guide dog bit me."
 
Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was holding the first one's hand.

Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.
 
It does not matter whether you win or lose, it is how the band plays.

Sure to light your fire if your wood ain’t too wet.

Kind of like analyzing the dissection of a frog. There is no good way do so, and the frog still dies.

Sometimes you have to jump off a bridge and build your wings on the way down

It is hard to kiss the lips that chew your ass all day long.

We ain’t all here because we ain’t all there.

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
 
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."
 
A couple of poachers are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
 
I was visiting my daughter last week when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century. We don't waste money on newspapers," she said. "Here, take my IPad."

All I can tell you is this:

The fly never knew what hit him.
 
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.

None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand an d says, "It's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out, "Is it a horny *******?"
 
Stewardess to a passenger on a flight, "would you care for an orange juice sir?"
Passenger replies, "Yes, if it needed me"
 
Which is more important, the sun or the moon?

The moon is more important. The sun only shines during the day, when there's plenty of light anyway. The moon shines at night, when you really need the light.
 
R. Richard said:
Which is more important, the sun or the moon?

The moon is more important. The sun only shines during the day, when there's plenty of light anyway. The moon shines at night, when you really need the light.
Click to expand...

I love everything about that, RRichard!

A certain space agency looked into sending a rocket to the sun. When told "The sun is too hot. It will burn up!" The space agency said, "Fine, then we'll go at night." Problem solved.
 
A Vampire Bat arrives back at his cave with his face full of blood dripping down his furry face. All the other Vampire bats gathered round him in a total frenzy of excitement. They all asked where he got it from.

"Follow Me" .............he says as he beckoned with his wing.

Off they flew, over hills, down dales over rivers into the night sky ...to a dark forest.

The Bat stopped, hovered and says" You see that big, big Oak tree there"?

"Yes" they all said with anticipation..

"WELL I F**ING DIDN`T ...........said the Bat.
 
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

----------------------

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at the Bank, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
 
An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finish,
the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he
charges them £50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50 and I get £43 back from BUPA!"
 
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.

When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying:
"Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said,
"I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why--" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
 
The differences between good girls and bad girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls wear white cotton panties. Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex. Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say 'no'. Bad girls say 'when?'
 
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