the marks of a slave

"Enjoy it" is a tricky one. I always thought that was the one thing I didn't have to commit to in this game.

There was a brief period where I interpreted "slavery" as passivity. During sex, I followed directions, but took little responsibility for my own experience. I would relax, and grow heavy, positioning my body wherever it was supposed to be and then kind of lose myself. I felt like a piece of the earth, fleshy, moist, with lots of nooks and crannies, full of motion when moved, but otherwise still and simply present.

It didn't matter whether I wanted what was happening or not. It didn't matter whether I was enjoying what was happening or not. It just happened.

I kind of liked it.

He didn't.

Let me amend that. . . On occasion, he just wants me to take whatever he's dishing, or experience me as some warm, wet toy. On occasion, he likes the fact that I'm uncomfortable. But most of the time he wants to feel my presence as an active willing participant.

He wants me to "enjoy" what we're doing.

As a young woman, I put on a good show. I'd seen the movies. Even I believed my act.

Sometimes he wants a show. And I have become his customized pornography.

But that's not what he means when he says "enjoy it."

He wants me to find pleasure. In activities that are not pleasurable. To me.

I can say, it's possible. I've done it, and discovered experiences I'd never felt before, where the pleasure is significantly heightened by the transformation of the discomfort. But, it hasn't been easy.

And I still want to hold onto the idea that I don't have to like it. I don't have to "enjoy it."

Last night, it just felt like one more thing I could control.

this is an issue i have too...not being able to "enjoy" things sexually/erotically. the highest level of sexual enjoyment i personally experience is entirely focused on my partner's pleasure. it is a feeling akin to when you take the time and effort to bake a really fabulous dessert, serve it to others, and it's obvious that they really really love it. your hard work has not only paid off, but it's validation that you are indeed, useful and good for something. being a good fuck, a good cocksucker, etc. makes me feel useful and good for something. therefore i "enjoy" it. but i cannot relate to that other strange kind of "enjoy"...where you are wanting it and needing it just because it feels good or whatever. that part of sex has always been a puzzle.

it's not about holding back or controlling anything...i've analyzed and overanalyzed it, and i think for me it basically comes down to two things: guilt and a sense of irrelevance. i know that second one sounds funny, but i can't really think of another way to describe it. the guilt part is obvious...as a submissive and most especially as a slave, my role in sex is to serve. i am somehow convinced that directly "enjoying" anything in the process will take away from that service. it will make me self-focused, when i should be in a state of total selflessness.

the irrelevance bit is a little harder to express. but i consider all of these factors: the fact that my Master's sexual pleasure is not increased by my own. the fact that most of the men i've served sexually in my lifetime have been very pleased by my completely external sexual focus. the fact that biologically, the female orgasm is useless. the fact that i have no control over my sex life (what happens, when and how, etc.). all of these things lead me to feel deep down that my own internal sexual feelings...good or bad...are completely irrelevant. and with that being the case, why put myself through the humiliating and painful struggle of trying to see whether or not i even have the capacity to feel this other side of sex?
 
I have a rather... unique... view upon my own slavery (and while being a Christian and living this kind of lifestyle may seem paradoxical, it's not... I rather feel it goes hand-in-hand).

Spiritually, I am a slave to God. I am to obey Him at all times, doing that which He wants of me, and not doing that which He has called sin. I am not perfect, but nevertheless, I still try, for His sake. Even so, God has given me things so that I may take pleasure in them, be it passive pleasures (like gazing upon the birds in the sky, or smelling the wildflowers in the field) or active pleasures (such as the results of His sacrifice, or the gift of wisdom). Because they are His gifts to me, I would not be serving Him if I held back, and didn't permit myself to fully use and enjoy them within the limits He has set.

Between my Husband and I, I feel it is much the same way. I am to likewise obey my Husband at all times, doing his will for me, and avoiding what is off limits (under what God has deemed acceptable, of course). As a result of pleasing him, I, too, am given the gift of pleasure (be it passively, from seeing his smile; or actively, from him reciprocating). And likewise, I would be doing him a disservice if I did not fully enjoy what everything he gives to me.

They both are more than able to give to me freely, and take and deny from me freely (to the extent of his limits, in the case of my Husband). If I treated their gifts with the same enthusiasm of getting socks for Christmas, I would not deem myself worthy to receive any further gifts (or even a continuation of my current gifts) from them. The effort they put into pleasing me... as a slave, what right have I to deny them what they want? Being selfless does not equate into gaining no pleasure for myself... it means doing all I can to do what my Master and my Husband want me to do. If they want me to be pleased, who am I to argue?
 
Spiritually, I am a slave to God. I am to obey Him at all times, doing that which He wants of me, and not doing that which He has called sin.
How do you know what God orders, and how do you know what God considers to be a sin?
 
Without trying to hijack the thread...

...first and foremost, the precedents set in Bible, specifically, the ten commandments and, more importantly, "the golden rule" for the definition of sin, and the examples set and taught by Jesus for 'orders'. Secondly, by my own conscience.

In the end, I would not do to others that which I would not want done to myself. Just as I am not fond of the idea of being stolen from, I would not willingly steal. Just as I don't like being sad, I would not willingly make another sad.
 
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Without trying to hijack the thread...

...first and foremost, the precedents set in Bible, specifically, the ten commandments and, more importantly, "the golden rule" for the definition of sin, and the examples set and taught by Jesus for 'orders'. Secondly, by my own conscience.

In the end, I would not do to others that which I would not want done to myself. Just as I am not fond of the idea of being stolen from, I would not willingly steal. Just as I don't like being sad, I would not willingly make another sad.
Thank you for answering the question.
 
this is an issue i have too...not being able to "enjoy" things sexually/erotically. the highest level of sexual enjoyment i personally experience is entirely focused on my partner's pleasure. it is a feeling akin to when you take the time and effort to bake a really fabulous dessert, serve it to others, and it's obvious that they really really love it. your hard work has not only paid off, but it's validation that you are indeed, useful and good for something. being a good fuck, a good cocksucker, etc. makes me feel useful and good for something. therefore i "enjoy" it. but i cannot relate to that other strange kind of "enjoy"...where you are wanting it and needing it just because it feels good or whatever. that part of sex has always been a puzzle.

it's not about holding back or controlling anything...i've analyzed and overanalyzed it, and i think for me it basically comes down to two things: guilt and a sense of irrelevance. i know that second one sounds funny, but i can't really think of another way to describe it. the guilt part is obvious...as a submissive and most especially as a slave, my role in sex is to serve. i am somehow convinced that directly "enjoying" anything in the process will take away from that service. it will make me self-focused, when i should be in a state of total selflessness.

the irrelevance bit is a little harder to express. but i consider all of these factors: the fact that my Master's sexual pleasure is not increased by my own. the fact that most of the men i've served sexually in my lifetime have been very pleased by my completely external sexual focus. the fact that biologically, the female orgasm is useless. the fact that i have no control over my sex life (what happens, when and how, etc.). all of these things lead me to feel deep down that my own internal sexual feelings...good or bad...are completely irrelevant. and with that being the case, why put myself through the humiliating and painful struggle of trying to see whether or not i even have the capacity to feel this other side of sex?

Seriously, this post scared me and saddened me in a way. I cannot relate to it or *understand*.
I want to thank you though for giving me some insight in somebody so different.
 
I don't like regular socks because I hardly ever wear them, but trouser socks? Mmm. My mother gets me a pack of them every Christmas. :D
 
Seriously, this post scared me and saddened me in a way. I cannot relate to it or *understand*.
I want to thank you though for giving me some insight in somebody so different.

you are welcome for the insight, though i'm sorry i wasn't able to express myself clearly/well enough for you to understand. relating is a different story, i recognize i am an oddball to whom few will relate.

but i'm curious as to why you were scared or saddened by my post? it is nothing that scares or saddens me, just one more thing that makes me feel "different" from most.
 
you are welcome for the insight, though i'm sorry i wasn't able to express myself clearly/well enough for you to understand. relating is a different story, i recognize i am an oddball to whom few will relate.

but i'm curious as to why you were scared or saddened by my post? it is nothing that scares or saddens me, just one more thing that makes me feel "different" from most.

No no, I do understand, thats why I put **. It is just so very strange. I think you expressed yourself very clearly, I felt like I could put myself in your place. So very different, unknown.
I am the kind of person that hardly ever lets anyone else take control, just a glimpse of your feelings made me feel uneasy and yes, scared.
Sad, I dont really know. Maybe because I could imagine how you feel different from most and I thought it must hurt sometimes.
 
viv loves it when I get her socks at christmas time.

:cool:

...okay, to drive home the point...

"plain, tighty-whitey, unflattering, granny panties that don't fit, from your in-laws, for Christmas".

...*that* kind of lack of enthusiasm.
 
I don't like regular socks because I hardly ever wear them, but trouser socks? Mmm. My mother gets me a pack of them every Christmas. :D

I think we're onto something here.

--

...okay, to drive home the point...

"plain, tighty-whitey, unflattering, granny panties that don't fit, from your in-laws, for Christmas".

...*that* kind of lack of enthusiasm.

*snort* Oh, I knew where you were coming from. I just had to offer my utterly worthless two cents.

Though, in a weird way, granny panties from an in-law would probably be a WTF style hit around here. The whole idea of a relative buying panties for someone that doesn't even wear them would probably result in some quizzical looks and a whole lotta laughter.

But, really, I get your point.
 
the irrelevance bit is a little harder to express. but i consider all of these factors: the fact that my Master's sexual pleasure is not increased by my own. the fact that most of the men i've served sexually in my lifetime have been very pleased by my completely external sexual focus. the fact that biologically, the female orgasm is useless. the fact that i have no control over my sex life (what happens, when and how, etc.). all of these things lead me to feel deep down that my own internal sexual feelings...good or bad...are completely irrelevant. and with that being the case, why put myself through the humiliating and painful struggle of trying to see whether or not i even have the capacity to feel this other side of sex?

Fuck... you have explained it so well. This made me cry. i'm always asking Daddy WHY when he tells me he is glad i can cum. There is no right answer. Usually he says because he likes it when i'm wet. Well i don't have to have an orgasm to get wet.

He has told me enough times now that he is glad i cum that i am actually able to use my Hitatchi in front of him. i even ask him if i can rather than waiting for him to tell me. A year ago this would have been impossible and i still have a terrible time doing it in front of my husband, i almost never do so i almost never orgasm with him because its the only way i can.

Sex between Daddy and i will never be about my sexual pleasure. It can't be. i hate mutually enjoyed sex. i've had it a few times and i really just don't like it. Occasionally it feels more than a little bit good and i might get into it enough and be drunk enough to allow my hips to move but that's pretty rare. Daddy does seem to like it when that happens. Afterward i'm never sure how i feel about it.

Ahhh the joys of being a sexually repressed sex addict =P
 
I'm going to freely admit upfront that I do not understand the lack of mutual sexual pleasure in a relationship. Yes, it is not all about me. Yes, it is about my Dom's needs coming first. I just know FOR ME, that I could never be in a relationship that was not fulfilling for me sexually. I did that in vanilla relationships for too long, and would never do it again. I don't think it makes me any less submissive to my partner to be sexually aggressive in bed. Obviously, I'm not going to tie him up and anally fist him, but my movements, noises, and natural body motions excite him and therefore make the experience better for the both of us...so why not? I do not think I would be a better sub/partner/wife if I tried to supress those urges. In fact, I think I would be doing him a GREAT disservice.
 
*snort* Oh, I knew where you were coming from. I just had to offer my utterly worthless two cents.

You know, I figured I'd open a can of worms with "socks"... but seems they're a welcome present 'round here. And your two cents is hardly worthless. I'm two cents richer than I was before. ^_~
 
I'm not sexually aggressive. I wait to be told what to do. But that doesn't mean I lie on my back and think of England, either. ;)
 
I'm not sexually aggressive. I wait to be told what to do. But that doesn't mean I lie on my back and think of England, either. ;)

exactly. this assumption always burns my britches. yes, i'm very sexually passive. that does not mean that i lie back and make grocery lists in my head, or lie as motionless and blank as a piece of driftwood. nor does it mean that i am not sexually fulfilled. my sexual fulfillment has nothing to do with my physical sexual response/feelings, that's all. if i consistently succeed in satisfying my male partner, then i am sexually fulfilled.

also, as i tried to express earlier i do not suppress anything or hold anything back. i just do not seem to have those wires and connections that most others do when it comes to sex.
 
This thread is beautiful and all of your input is amazing. Just had to throw that in there.

And for my own piece, I am at my most centered when I am accomplishing what He wants be it in the bedroom, or in the public realm. If in bed he is satisfied, sometimes that is all I want, but sometimes I have to be aggressive too (usually presents itself in terms of me being bratty to get what I want.) I think the best thing a slave can do is to learn the intricate wants of their respective Master/Mistress and use that information for mutual benefit.
 
"Enjoy it" is a tricky one. I always thought that was the one thing I didn't have to commit to in this game.

There was a brief period where I interpreted "slavery" as passivity. During sex, I followed directions, but took little responsibility for my own experience. I would relax, and grow heavy, positioning my body wherever it was supposed to be and then kind of lose myself. I felt like a piece of the earth, fleshy, moist, with lots of nooks and crannies, full of motion when moved, but otherwise still and simply present.

It didn't matter whether I wanted what was happening or not. It didn't matter whether I was enjoying what was happening or not. It just happened.

I kind of liked it.

He didn't.

Let me amend that. . . On occasion, he just wants me to take whatever he's dishing, or experience me as some warm, wet toy. On occasion, he likes the fact that I'm uncomfortable. But most of the time he wants to feel my presence as an active willing participant.

He wants me to "enjoy" what we're doing.

As a young woman, I put on a good show. I'd seen the movies. Even I believed my act.

Sometimes he wants a show. And I have become his customized pornography.

But that's not what he means when he says "enjoy it."

He wants me to find pleasure. In activities that are not pleasurable. To me.

I can say, it's possible. I've done it, and discovered experiences I'd never felt before, where the pleasure is significantly heightened by the transformation of the discomfort. But, it hasn't been easy.

And I still want to hold onto the idea that I don't have to like it. I don't have to "enjoy it."

Last night, it just felt like one more thing I could control.

*nod*

I can relate to all of the above.

One of the things I find liberating in my interactions with the Sadist is that I'm not expected to enjoy it. I'm just expected to be there and obey. Of course there is something I enjoy somewhere otherwise I would not be going back for more. My physical pleasure however has never been mentioned and I am right now, liking it that way.

The pressure of having to "enjoy it" is at times unbearable with Hubby thou. He wants to feel the enthusiasm of me submitting to whatever he has in mind. Many a scene have ended in a disaster because of that, but we have slowly talked through it and he is now more comfortable in taking what he wants whether I am enjoying it or not, and I make sure to try to enjoy it, whether i succeed in it or not.

As for enjoyment as in sexual release that is something that I hate feeling pressured into. I can enjoy the whole sexual experiences and being totally satisfied without it. I also feel incredibly self conscious about masturbating and having an orgasm when someone is watching or even in the same room. I had no problem if it was happening during sex. But as a separate action, it is only in the last couple of years that I have felt comfortable enough to do so in front of my Husband. And of course my self-consciousness makes for even more fun for him when it comes to forced orgasm session.

The Sadist has mentioned once to introduce forced orgasms but, luckily, he has not done it yet, and the way things are going at the moment, I do not see it happening anytime soon.

I'm aware that in many little ways I'm trying to retain power and control. Some ways I'm aware of and do not really interfere as total power exchange is not expected. Other ways thou, end up clashing with the Ds and are what creates the most struggles and hurt.
 
"Enjoy it" is a tricky one. I always thought that was the one thing I didn't have to commit to in this game.

There was a brief period where I interpreted "slavery" as passivity. During sex, I followed directions, but took little responsibility for my own experience. I would relax, and grow heavy, positioning my body wherever it was supposed to be and then kind of lose myself. I felt like a piece of the earth, fleshy, moist, with lots of nooks and crannies, full of motion when moved, but otherwise still and simply present.

It didn't matter whether I wanted what was happening or not. It didn't matter whether I was enjoying what was happening or not. It just happened.

I kind of liked it.

He didn't.

Let me amend that. . . On occasion, he just wants me to take whatever he's dishing, or experience me as some warm, wet toy. On occasion, he likes the fact that I'm uncomfortable. But most of the time he wants to feel my presence as an active willing participant.

He wants me to "enjoy" what we're doing.

As a young woman, I put on a good show. I'd seen the movies. Even I believed my act.

Sometimes he wants a show. And I have become his customized pornography.

But that's not what he means when he says "enjoy it."

He wants me to find pleasure. In activities that are not pleasurable. To me.

I can say, it's possible. I've done it, and discovered experiences I'd never felt before, where the pleasure is significantly heightened by the transformation of the discomfort. But, it hasn't been easy.

And I still want to hold onto the idea that I don't have to like it. I don't have to "enjoy it."

Last night, it just felt like one more thing I could control.

Thanks Easterm Sun, this is a feeling i have had on occassion and one that I have struggled with...thinking I had failed him. But I sometimes find it difficult to enjoy things that have made me feel uncomfortable; physically or otherwise and things that are confronting to me or pushing my boundaries.

*nod*

I can relate to all of the above.

The pressure of having to "enjoy it" is at times unbearable with Hubby thou. He wants to feel the enthusiasm of me submitting to whatever he has in mind. Many a scene have ended in a disaster because of that, but we have slowly talked through it and he is now more comfortable in taking what he wants whether I am enjoying it or not, and I make sure to try to enjoy it, whether i succeed in it or not.

I'm aware that in many little ways I'm trying to retain power and control. Some ways I'm aware of and do not really interfere as total power exchange is not expected. Other ways thou, end up clashing with the Ds and are what creates the most struggles and hurt.

and thanks for this too Rida, and particularly the bolded part :kiss:

I think you are right about retaining control. Sometimes it almost feels defiant. I remember him telling me once when I was in that mindset to unclench my fists :eek: I think that I had already decided that I was not comfortable with this, it was pushing my limits and I that I wouldn't enjoy it.
The strange thing was I enjoyed ''it'' more afterwards, if that makes sense :confused: I think once I was able to be calm and reflect I realised how much.
 
this is an issue i have too...not being able to "enjoy" things sexually/erotically. the highest level of sexual enjoyment i personally experience is entirely focused on my partner's pleasure. it is a feeling akin to when you take the time and effort to bake a really fabulous dessert, serve it to others, and it's obvious that they really really love it. your hard work has not only paid off, but it's validation that you are indeed, useful and good for something. being a good fuck, a good cocksucker, etc. makes me feel useful and good for something. therefore i "enjoy" it. but i cannot relate to that other strange kind of "enjoy"...where you are wanting it and needing it just because it feels good or whatever. that part of sex has always been a puzzle.

it's not about holding back or controlling anything...i've analyzed and overanalyzed it, and i think for me it basically comes down to two things: guilt and a sense of irrelevance. i know that second one sounds funny, but i can't really think of another way to describe it. the guilt part is obvious...as a submissive and most especially as a slave, my role in sex is to serve. i am somehow convinced that directly "enjoying" anything in the process will take away from that service. it will make me self-focused, when i should be in a state of total selflessness.

the irrelevance bit is a little harder to express. but i consider all of these factors: the fact that my Master's sexual pleasure is not increased by my own. the fact that most of the men i've served sexually in my lifetime have been very pleased by my completely external sexual focus. the fact that biologically, the female orgasm is useless. the fact that i have no control over my sex life (what happens, when and how, etc.). all of these things lead me to feel deep down that my own internal sexual feelings...good or bad...are completely irrelevant. and with that being the case, why put myself through the humiliating and painful struggle of trying to see whether or not i even have the capacity to feel this other side of sex?

Do you masturbate? Are you ever asked to bring yourself to orgasm?

I ask because I can totally relate to your feelings. Before I was married, I rarely chose sexual partners who were interested in making me cum. They wanted to see and feel my excitement and desire, but once they were aroused, their own orgasms were usually the goal, and I became the means to an end.

I used to get the perfunctory "did you cum?" and discovered very early on that whether I answered "yes" or "no" didn't make much difference.

I've also never been particularly turned on by "straight" genital sex. I like blow jobs, ass fucks, floggings and bondage and roleplay, stuff which often doesn't even involve my genitalia. And I like penetration of all kinds, physical and mental.

The point . . . sex was never about making me cum. And I, like you, equated sexual pleasure with being an exceptionally good fuck. :D

However. Because I learned to masturbate at a very young age, my own sexual excitement and orgasms have always been available to me. They just weren't part of my relationship with my partners.

Until a few years ago. When, on my husband's orders, I started having sex with men who wanted to make me cum. With the internet and the phone, suddenly I had masturbation partners, where often the only way I could really communicate what was happening was with my voice. They were excited by the sounds I made, and wanted to hear me cum. And because I was masturbating, I could.

When I met these men, I knew that they wanted me to cum. And because I knew it was expected of me, I could.

So . . . now . . . My husband wants to experience my orgasms. But my orgasms have never been part of our sex. Don't get me wrong, I love having sex with him. We have a lot of fun together. It just hasn't been about making me cum.

In my own case, I think it is a matter of holding back and control. Both my husband and I have experienced my orgasms with other men. We know I can do it. So what gives?

The kink in the story is that he totally gets off on the whole situation. In fact, I'm willing to think that the fact that this is what he wanted all along is the most likely reason it's happening.
 
And actually, my first post wasn't about orgasms at all.

It was about not disliking what was happening.
 
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