Warning..pot stirrer.

Badamy...causing trouble. Sorry.

But seriously...
How do you reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship?

Say you are married...or not
Kids...or not...
Different timezones...or not...
Discuss.

PS...
I love you guys so much. All of you.

Please be kind to one another.
Or else I'll be pissed off.

BadAmy said:

Badamy...causing trouble. Sorry.

But seriously...
How do you reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship?

Say you are married...or not
Kids...or not...
Different timezones...or not...
Discuss.

PS...
I love you guys so much. All of you.

Please be kind to one another.
Or else I'll be pissed off.

Click to expand...

Patience. Understanding that in the real world people have real world shit to deal with that means they can't always be there.

And enjoying it.

BadAmy said:

Badamy...causing trouble. Sorry.

But seriously...
How do you reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship?

Say you are married...or not
Kids...or not...
Different timezones...or not...
Discuss.

PS...
I love you guys so much. All of you.

Please be kind to one another.
Or else I'll be pissed off.

Click to expand...

I am happy to stir your pot any time.

The solution is to not have online relationships.

At best, you fall in love with an idealized version of what you wish you had in real life.

Well...I have had a few...
I am married. Kids out of the home... My wife doesn't know.

The way I reconcile it is that it doesn't overtake my life. It is a fantasy after all. While the person on the other end is real, it allows me to chat and share secrets with a complete stranger. I may only correspond and/or meet up with the person online a few times a month or even year.

I must say... it is pleasurable to say the least....

ExiledWelshman said:

Patience. Understanding that in the real world people have real world shit to deal with that means they can't always be there.

And enjoying it.

Click to expand...

This.

Accept the limitations and make the best if it...

enjoy what you have and do not weep for what you cannot have...that was the motto for me and littlebitofme.

Pretty much the same way you do with any other kind of relationship, you talk openly and frankly with the other person about your feelings and desires. As long as both people are honest and realistic in their expectations it's pretty easy.

Truthfully? I don’t think you can have a STRICTLY online relationship that lasts. Even when you have every intention to keep things online, eventually you want more...if feelings truly develop, you want to see them...to touch them...to kiss them...

Maybe it takes a year? Maybe a few months, but if you have a true connection you will want more. And that’s when it gets hardest and things go badly.

Does that change my desire to have one? Nope...I still try. I still hope.

But eventually I think you have to actually physically touch each other or things will fizzle...

Just my opinion and seven plus years of experience in this place!

I suppose (as usual) id like the definition of 'relationship'.

Ive made friends and cared deeply for people. There are people i will always want to know.

I think, for me, its scary to feel that fall. If im being honest, ive only really let myself once and it was before I knew any better.

I think to maintain anything requires a mutual respect of real life, clear expectations, well defined boundaries, patience and the understanding of 'if things get too serious we will take a step back'.

I actually have a lot of thoughts on this. Its interesting to see how different people handle themselves and their relationships. No wrong way but everyone is different and I've had ro learn how to be careful with my heart and someone else's. Things need to be fair and thats rarely possible.

Anyway im rambling. Sorry!

lacandy said:

Truthfully? I don’t think you can have a STRICTLY online relationship that lasts. Even when you have every intention to keep things online, eventually you want more...if feelings truly develop, you want to see them...to touch them...to kiss them...

Maybe it takes a year? Maybe a few months, but if you have a true connection you will want more. And that’s when it gets hardest and things go badly.

Does that change my desire to have one? Nope...I still try. I still hope.

But eventually I think you have to actually physically touch each other or things will fizzle...

Just my opinion and seven plus years of experience in this place!

Click to expand...

Agree!
I love the fun and banter.

TheFirmHand80 said:

I am happy to stir your pot any time.

The solution is to not have online relationships.

At best, you fall in love with an idealized version of what you wish you had in real life.

Click to expand...

I believe these statements to be true and self-evident....

TheFirmHand80 said:

At best, you fall in love with an idealized version of what you wish you had in real life.

Click to expand...

I think that this is pretty accurate. That doesn't mean that you can't have an online relationship, but I think one should try hard to manage their expectations of the outcome of that relationship.

Patience, understanding, honesty, and communication are all key.

If folks have expectations that aren't talked about, it's going to be a rough time when the other person doesn't meet them. They can be subtle.

PrettyLilPussy said:

I suppose (as usual) id like the definition of 'relationship'.

Ive made friends and cared deeply for people. There are people i will always want to know.

I think, for me, its scary to feel that fall. If im being honest, ive only really let myself once and it was before I knew any better.

I think to maintain anything requires a mutual respect of real life, clear expectations, well defined boundaries, patience and the understanding of 'if things get too serious we will take a step back'.

I actually have a lot of thoughts on this. Its interesting to see how different people handle themselves and their relationships. No wrong way but everyone is different and I've had ro learn how to be careful with my heart and someone else's. Things need to be fair and thats rarely possible.

Anyway im rambling. Sorry!

Click to expand...

This is exactly how I feel.
It’s about being able to separate the fantasy from the reality and if those two things start to merge to recognise it and step back to collect yourself.

Thank you guys for all your perspectives.
A healthy heaping bowl of chewable fat


PS...eww. that was gross.

2 cents

BadAmy said:

Badamy...causing trouble. Sorry.

But seriously...
How do you reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship?

Say you are married...or not
Kids...or not...
Different timezones...or not...
Discuss.

PS...
I love you guys so much. All of you.

Please be kind to one another.
Or else I'll be pissed off.

Click to expand...

strictly online forever is a challenge.....i mean.....if its a romantic relationship it is on a trajectory.....that screams to meet in person at some point.....yes, of course you can simply email, chat, etc......but what is that? a friendship.....penpals…..etc.....aside from being on the space station or the starship enterprise....sooner or later you are going to want to meet......and yes, meeting may change everything

as far as all of the other extenuating circumstances.....spouses, kids, pets, jobs etc.....the fact that you are online says that you are not getting the fulfillment of life you should/could/or hoped for......from those areas of life.....and so here you are searching/hoping/wanting for something more or else

for some it is enough.....to have a confidant....a secret friend....someone to share your kinks and sexual thoughts with......for others though - both male and female - it is the perpetual hunt

and why? what really drives it? is it bad choices? is it some internal missing feature? did your mama avoid you as a baby?

i should be an expert in this subject.....as i am that guy who got to the end of the internet....i got my first computer in 1994 - built it myself.....286 processor.....40mhz …...a friend gave me a modem...….a what? i asked.....modem.....it lets you get on the internet? huh? yeah...1200 baud.....oh....and lest i forget an AOL 1.0 disk...….AOL 1.0......within a few short minutes i was hooked up and connected.....computer in the basement....wife and kid upstairs.....

FIRST time out chatting.....i found a girl in a chat room (imagine that) her screen name was wild mountain honey.....it was love at first byte.....what ensued was about 3 years worth of nonstop communicating in every feasible way.....culminating in the disaster you read about.....divorce.....on both sides....

later on.....now single.....i meet another woman in another chat room.....that was maybe 1998.....we will have been married 20 years this year...…

i guess my contention is.....if it is romantic online relationship.....i give kudos to anyone who can keep it online.....i know people do....and i guess i commend them....i just know for me....generally it built up to sort of a crescendo that had to be answered in person.....

anyway.....TMI i am sure......but.....it is what it is......my life is largely a product of online relationships.....grand or pathetic as that may be.....

i do not condemn the online life or world though as many fabulous online acquaintances and friends have gotten me through many a lonely hotel night....and many other life struggles.....so, sometimes, it is simply another path in life in which to find people who can add meaning to your life...…

BadAmy said:

Badamy...causing trouble. Sorry.

But seriously...
How do you reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship?

Say you are married...or not
Kids...or not...
Different timezones...or not...
Discuss.

PS...
I love you guys so much. All of you.

Please be kind to one another.
Or else I'll be pissed off.

Click to expand...

Sure as hell isn't easy. Had more failures than successes. Takes a lot of understanding. Defining needs. Being clear and up front. Avoid projecting. Just a few things I've learned recently.

Beachgirl22 said:

This.

Click to expand...

Ditto what my she said.

BadAmy said:

Badamy...causing trouble. Sorry.

But seriously...
How do you reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship?

Say you are married...or not
Kids...or not...
Different timezones...or not...
Discuss.

PS...
I love you guys so much. All of you.

Please be kind to one another.
Or else I'll be pissed off.

Click to expand...

I think that you have to know what you want. What you need, what is acceptable to you and what you are willing to "settle" for. It may not be settling, it might be exactly what you want or are comfortable with. But if it stays strictly online forever, it can only grow so far. Intimacy requires growth long term.
So again, depends on what you are looking for.

BadAmy said:

Badamy...causing trouble. Sorry.

But seriously...
How do you reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship?

Say you are married...or not
Kids...or not...
Different timezones...or not...
Discuss.

PS...
I love you guys so much. All of you.

Please be kind to one another.
Or else I'll be pissed off.

Click to expand...

I would say if you are married and strictly online you have to have some patience. I have talked online here with someone and she is busy with kids and keep missing each other.

So the reconcile part is interesting. Did he/she just go away?

I find that, because of the need to make real life take precedence, my on-line "relationships" tend to be of short duration and fizzle within usually a matter of weeks. I think I may also say things on-line that are misinterpreted, and that in real life I would work harder to correct such misunderstandings.

The other aspect is the guilt and dissonance of telling myself I'm faithful and yet going behind her back. I justify it to myself by saying that I have interests that she does not share, and this is a way of exploring them without real cheating.

But that is something of a rationalization.

BadAmy said:

Badamy...causing trouble. Sorry.

But seriously...
How do you reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship?

Say you are married...or not
Kids...or not...
Different timezones...or not...
Discuss.

PS...
I love you guys so much. All of you.

Please be kind to one another.
Or else I'll be pissed off.

Click to expand...

Hey Amygirl... message me. Your messages are off beautiful.

BadAmy said:

How do you reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship?

Say you are married...or not
Kids...or not...
Different timezones...or not...
Discuss.

Click to expand...

I've had strictly online relationships. where the other had no interest in taking it further - just interaction in forums, message or email exchanges. In those cases, it is about clearly communicating boundaries and respecting those boundaries. Understand what the relationship is and what it is not. Understand what the rhythm and flow of it is. Be comfortable in yourself with having that kind of relationship. Though they can be very intense they are, ultimately "limited" and often "limited time" relationships. Accept the limitations, enjoy the interactions, mourn when they end, and keep on with your life.

Married and Kids are handled the same way. If you are good with the limitations that creates, they you are good with the relationships. A lot of it is about being clear to yourself and your partner what YOU want out of the relationship and being able to walk away if the relationship doesn't work to meet your needs. In the best of worlds, when you're having a relationship with a married person or a parent, you again understand and accept the limitations and you'll be good.

Time zones is actually one of the more challenging aspects, whether it is a few hours difference (bi-coastal US) or many more hours with people scattered over the world. To be successful there you also have to accept those limitations and the impact of the time zones. It's not hard once you adjust to it and again, as long as you're both on the same playbook, it can work out fine. (I work with and support international clients, so I am used to working/talking/meeting around the clock. You just adjust your internal calendar and do it.)

In any relationship, it's about flexibility, understanding, and compassion. A few years ago I had a relationship come to an end that was bi-coastal. She lived on the east coast US and I lived on the west. We made it work by being aware of each others schedule, by flexing in either direction on the clock, and by always keeping the line of communication open. However, if you are looking for convenience, by all means bring the time zone thing up early and talk it through. For example, if you love staying up all night and cybering, understanding that the other person literally can't do that early on will give you a better chance at success. You'll adapt and adjust if you love the person - and if they love you'll they'll do the same and you'll build something wonderful.

I think the key is not being possessive or jealous. that's not always easy, but it is critical even if boundaries are needed to prevent hurt feelings.

hypothetically speaking I can't give randomLitchick123 residing in Timbuktu everything she needs, but perhaps that part of her that desires a text/phone connection I can do. if I also need that kind of connection then we're golden.

after it runs a while though it sucks to be a bazillion miles away from someone you care about or even a few hundred if meeting is not an option. I've been there, the heartbreak of not meeting is just a precursor to the heartbreak of the relationship ending. maybe i'm jaded too.

consider it an extension of online friendships. if everyone has fun it's great but if it stops being fun stop doing it.

Sometimes you can't.

I had an online relationship of sorts with a person for well over 20 years. I don't want to give specifics because I know he does read these boards from time to time. We had worked together on various online things over the years and IMO, we were at best friends. We really had nothing in common other than the things we had worked on. But he was a pleasant person. One though that IRL, I likely wouldn't be friends with if only because we really did have nothing in common.

We chatted. Not always daily and I will admit that there were periods of time when I didn't contact him for weeks at a time because he wasn't really a priority to me. But I know that he worried about me when I didn't contact him. Others would tell me that he had been looking for me. I'd get remarks from him to the effect that he knew I was alive because he had seen post ___. So I felt like he was kind of stalking me.

Then there was the day that the bomb dropped. As soon as my divorce was final, he confessed to me that he had feelings for me. Say what? All those years and this never came up? This was a person who pretty much knew all the details of my life and yet... There had been no mention whatever of anything even remotely leaning that way. Plus he's in another state and very set in his ways.

I tried to be polite and point out that the sort of relationship he was wanting would never work out as we had nothing in common. Did not work. So... I had to pull what I guess would now be called ghosting. I felt that I had to because I know full well how he operates. Had I continued talking to him, it would have made me feel awkward. And I know he would have never let up. Would just keep at me until I would feel that I had no choice to flee. So... I just took off. That was something like 4 months ago. So far, I haven't heard from anyone else that he has been looking for me so maybe my tactic worked.

But for me, each person is different. I have some people that I talk to online both male and female. Some I have met in person. Some I likely never will because they are so far away and they know this.

What I would never do though, is try to have some sort of online only romance. This does seem to work for some people. It wouldn't for me. I actually had two people that I conversed with for several years. Both older, one slightly famous, both for his writing (playwright) and his music. I was married then. I know how they felt about me and yet, they were not like the person I mentioned above. I could tell them that a romance was just not going to happen and we were able to continue to chat. Now how they felt about that deep down inside, I'll never know. Both kept urging me to get a divorce and move in with them.

And while I did like them both, I learned the day that I got married that jumping from one bad situation as a means of escape is not the answer. The one guy is now deceased. I continued talking to him until he became too senile to know which end was up. In is case my feelings for him were more of concern and his welfare. He was a nice person but not someone I could see as a romantic interest.

The other one? I had reservations about him for a variety of reasons that I won't get into here. He actually sort of dumped me by telling me that I just had too many problems. I found that to be laughable given the number of times I stayed up all night helping him through some of his problems. But I digress.

I feel like I am rambling now. So perhaps I should end this reply!

The same way you would irl relationships. Communication. Truthful...open...honest. Only problem...most people do not have these skills in their toolbox. So they settle for less.