CARL'S (JCSTREET) personal thread

I have been drinking terminaly for maybe two weeks or so and my life is running down

During that period i haven't written much good either

I am approaching 62 years of age and sometimes I just kind of give up for a few days--and then I always get it back--the life force and my abolity to write

but it gets harder

I know other people on this board also have issues--with age--with sickness and have griefg--so I never feel that my troules exist in an unknown chasm

but I have moments--I was in amotel up country on tuesday night and thinking of an old girlfriend who went back to her husand in late 2002--and I thought I could never love again

and the thought of just giving the motel owner my credit card and charging two weeks during which one might drink two bottle of vodka a day and then die was sweet

but i made it home with just enough vodka to send me back to sleep for eight hours and wake up and make the day and be productive again

SO

who knows

I want to live and write and produce and publish

but i am now old enough to appreciate that i may not ever again

and there are moments when I find that difficult to cope with

I have found this board the best one I have ever found having been on my first board in 1987

that's a long time

and i have acquaintances here that i have developed a very deep affection for --quite a few

I'm a diabetic and I have problems. I worry about blindness and amputation. I have an ex that doesn't pay child support all the time. He calls me names when he's upset with me--like if I ask for him to pay child support. But now that he has a job it's better. I haven't heard scary stupid or white trash for awhile. He left and took the only car, the only income, our insurance. I found myself alone in a small town with 2 kids, no car, no job. My husband left me with 2 kids too small to be in school and one of them autistic. He said he didn't love me and he had someone else. I cried like the biggest cry in history. Then... screw that! I come from a long line of tough women. I have my own car, own job and own insurance now. I have a home and I'm a good mom and take care of my health. I look and feel better since he left. I still have my share of problems (yeah, the knee... lol) But I think ahead and I know it's better down the road. I'd rather be in this life and than not be here.
I'm just telling you that I understand somewhat and I feel old too. I was watching TV today and they were advertising the heritage plan--funeral insurance. It was like "Hey listen up. If you were born between 1919 and 1964 you are going to die and you need funeral insurance!" Well, damn... I was born 12/29/64! They're talking to me. I'm old enough to get funeral insurance and die. I wanted to kick my TV lol And I want my ass and tits to sit up the way they did 20 years ago!
Well, now I'm depressed. Thanks a lot Carl!!!

The human condition

Carl, I would not presume to know how you feel.
I know I have been lonely too. Felt alone. Felt mortality, the loss of youth. The few months ago I found this site, it provided a wonderful outlet for the highs and lows life had visited upon me.
I felt like I found new friends, with strong voices who shared with me much of the human experience as I knew it.
Sometimes it feels like I'm standing in a subway station in New York, with mindless banter all around- like a bad acid trip- all ego and no substance.
But most of the time, there is the poetry, the voices singing the depth and breadth of life. Its beauty, its shared sadness and joys. The wonder of life and love and new discoveries.
I saw a show on PBS last night about a guy who lived and worked at a mountain lodge in the Canadian Rockies. He worked until he was 94, when he died. He never stopped loving the wonder of life, its infinite beauty, its interconnectedness.
Hang around dude, the best is yet to come. By now you can see through all the bullshit. Its the essence that is important.
And that essence is what ties all of us who truly love the beauty of poetry together. Hang in and suffer with us.

Re: The human condition

tungtied2u said:

Carl, I would not presume to know how you feel.
I know I have been lonely too. Felt alone. Felt mortality, the loss of youth. The few months ago I found this site, it provided a wonderful outlet for the highs and lows life had visited upon me.
I felt like I found new friends, with strong voices who shared with me much of the human experience as I knew it.
Sometimes it feels like I'm standing in a subway station in New York, with mindless banter all around- like a bad acid trip- all ego and no substance.
But most of the time, there is the poetry, the voices singing the depth and breadth of life. Its beauty, its shared sadness and joys. The wonder of life and love and new discoveries.
I saw a show on PBS last night about a guy who lived and worked at a mountain lodge in the Canadian Rockies. He worked until he was 94, when he died. He never stopped loving the wonder of life, its infinite beauty, its interconnectedness.
Hang around dude, the best is yet to come. By now you can see through all the bullshit. Its the essence that is important.
And that essence is what ties all of us who truly love the beauty of poetry together. Hang in and suffer with us.

Click to expand...

one thing i truly love about this place..we might all still be different
but tt hit in on the mark..you lookl around somedays and wonder where's the substance..ppl seem so damn shallow.

here, i feel like i'm around people i'd pick to be around in the real world.

i love this place..i still don't feel normal, but i sure do feel good about being freakish..i feel so at home here as well.

i loved what you said tongue-tied..it spoke my heart ..i'm, sure the hearts of many here.

chin up carl..embrace what life still has to offer..many many years of enriching your piece of the world.

eve darling..i loved you giving a little peek into your life..and i hope you never lose a limb because of the diabetes..

but it is not the end of living..hell. i'm more sexy now then when i had 2 arms..

and if anyone says stump i'm going to scream!!

life sucks. also it's beautiful. so are you.

Carl, I shouldnt have laid mine out either, sorry about that

*pushes demons and skeletons back into the closet*

they'll wait for later, sometimes I just peek inside for a second to glean some inspiration.

I want to read a poem about your vodka days. Use it. Use it all, JC. Make it yours, and ride the fucker.

Carl, heres something that might give you a chuckle.
Look Honey, the viagra worked!!!

the pic is not mine, but the caption I just added is, I have a warped mind, use it as you please ( well, within reason)

I think it was Joseph Campbell who said
" Life is like an opera..it's beautiful but it's sad and it hurts"
I'm paraphrasing.

I have an addictive personality
My dad was an alcoholic
I know all about that sweet dream of oblivion.

I'm not going to lay all my bullshit out
suffice to say this...you have had more years than I probably ever will.
Use it
Write, submit, if nothing else put your life down on paper
all those stories, the travels, those moments of wonder that many of us will never experience.
Give them to us...
When you're done..Then you can think about death.
Make it you mission to get your life on paper
I want to read it
It's like reading Keroac when I read your stuff.
I want to chuck it all and go on the road, snuggle up with women in cold water apparetments, smoke cigarettes in Belfast..
It's a remarkable life you've had my brother.
Don't let it go unheralded

Be Well Carl

Phew... nothing to add.

Xept that you all tickle my brains and jumpstart my soul. Every damn day. Thank you for that.

#L

Liar said:

Phew... nothing to add.

Xept that you all tickle my brains and jumpstart my soul. Every damn day. Thank you for that.

#L

Click to expand...

I couldn''t have said it better.


Hope you're feel a bit more positive, JC.

Wow, JC!

That can't have been easy to write. Or to share.

Be blessed, JC. And allow yourself to be ok. After all... we all feed our own demons. Stop feeding them and they go away. Well... sometimes they do.

I didn't see the slightest thing wrong with it, Maria - not at all

Carl

. . .and, finally

I should add that this all happened a very long time ago when there were giants on Lit (one or more of whom even went into the daughters of men).

A few months later I got sober and have stayed that way

It's a canard that getting sober kills the Muse, although it DOES change her nature - the poet becomes more reflective, perhaps less impulsive and more focused - hard to know exactly

Live on. Write more. You're interesting.

JCSTREET said:

I should add that this all happened a very long time ago when there were giants on Lit (one or more of whom even went into the daughters of men).

A few months later I got sober and have stayed that way

It's a canard that getting sober kills the Muse, although it DOES change her nature - the poet becomes more reflective, perhaps less impulsive and more focused - hard to know exactly

Click to expand...

I will remember this as our first contact

It is spring break, JC. Quinoa, jazz, and museums! But today closet cleaning. Maybe I will submit a poem. How about you?

tep- I'm in

cherries_on_snow said:

It is spring break, JC. Quinoa, jazz, and museums! But today closet cleaning. Maybe I will submit a poem. How about you?

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4:51am - what a mythic sleep you had